Sexual Consequences

Sexual Consequences
Article: Sexual Consequences
Article: Sexual Consequences
Article: Sexual Surprises
Chapter from Research before Romance (Sexual Consequences)

Research before Romance-Sexual Consequences by: T. L. Moss

If you don't take the time to find out what kind of person you are sharing yourself with, you will find yourself disappointed.

There's nothing worst then to realize you were simply used as a release object. Or worst yet, discover too late that the person doesn't know what to do, and is wasting your time. And then there's that quiet unknown danger, you didn't ask the person to bring you proof that they are clean, and you assume that they are free of an STDs, but they aren't.

I met a woman a few months ago, she was suffering from AIDS and was dying. She had met and started a relationship with a man who also was dying from AIDS, they had sex, she got pregnant. She gave birth to a little girl they named Hope. When I met Hope she was I think 8 years old. She was suffering from HIV, passed on from her parents. She had just gotten out of the hospital, and was recovering from a stroke, the one she had at the age of 6 left her with partial use of her left side, so she walked with a limp.

We can walk through this chapter all day, and the conversation will always be the same. You have to approach this very carefully. If you want a one night stand, protect yourself, don't expose your feelings, and don't expect anything. Also be aware that the double standards in 2009 are just like they were in 1706, if you are a woman one night stands label you as a loose woman with no morals. Men are still studs, but we know that they are loose men with no morals.

There are consequences, for making bad choices, the best luck, you'll enjoy yourself, the worst thing that could happen,you contract a STD you can't get rid of. And the gray area, your labeled because of your actions, or you get pregnant or impregnant someone you really don't want in your life.

And if your sneaking, and you've got someone you love in your life, you might lose that person, if they discover you been here, there, and everywhere with other people.

But again, everytime you subject yourself to being someone 'object for release' you take the chance that you'll get your feelings hurt.

So what's being said about sexual consequences, it can be very enjoyable, or the worst night of your life. And the gray area, you can get your feelings hurt, or end up with a child you don't want or aren't ready for. Take your time, read all the chapters in Research before Romance, and steer clear of addicts, bad boys, rebound romances, people who don't want to commitment or communicate, individuals who are verbally abusive, they shouldn't get the priviledge, and those men or women who are simply only interested in having sex with you, to make someone else jealous.

Sexual consequences, the above mentioned individuals are the people to avoid.

Don't ever think you can win someone's heart by having sex, life doesn't work that way. Good men and women won't pressure you, and if they don't come around anymore if you say no, then you've got off easy.

Take care of your heart and self worth, be selective before having sex with someone you don't know well.

Sexual Consequences2 by: T. L. Moss

What are the consequences of sexual liaisons? There could be several after effects which begin with getting caught, that's if you're in a relationship, and if you don't get caught and your significant other just suspects something's going on, you've lost the trust of the woman/man that shares your life. This could result in a miserable existence in your home. Alot of tension, stress, and can result in the break up of a relationship, which could mean the loss of financial security, and the destruction of a family. That's the first consequence of a meaningless sexual fling.

The conversation of contracting a STD was mentioned in Consequences 1, but what wasn't discussed was the possibility of picking up something that could permanently damage your reproductive organs. It may not be important if your not in a serious relationship, but when the time comes and you want to start a family... just something to think about.

Unprotected sex may feel good, but there are too many downsides to a few minutes of meaningless sex.
We haven't even discussed the scams that are played by men and women. Men who say a doctor told them they would never be able to have children, or men who claim to have had a vasetomy. Unless this person is your husband, I would never take the chance. This will only result in denial, a request for a DNA test, refusal to pay child support etc etc, why take the chance of having to deal with unnecessary drama.

And then there's the women who claim a doctor told them they couldn't have children, or that it would be difficult because of a tilted uterus, or some other female problem. Men are told they don't have to wear a condom. Red Flag! It's a trap, or it could be.

Men who have a woman tell them they want to have their baby, should be a conversation between a couple who are in a serious relationship, and not sexual fly by night. As soon as this is mentioned, a man is going to have a problem, called entrapment. As soon as this is brought up, the next step should be a pregnancy test. Both participants should be there , when the results are complete. The next step is
to end the liasion as soon as a you know it's negative. Otherwise...we know, would could be the end of this story... for all you know this person is already pregnant, and planning on making your life hell until the DNA results come back in 9 months. In the meantime, if you're in a relationship, and decide to tell your S.O. that's going to cause problems at home, or the other woman may decide to tell her.

You can distance yourself, threaten her, beg, do whatever you want, but until those DNA results come back, you'll be at her/his mercy. And it happened because you wanted to be comfortable,instead of safe.

Research before Romance Sexual Surprises by: T. L. Moss

I'll let you know early, don't ask me for sex, it's a turn off. Especially if I know that we aren't going to go through that door. I know what I want, and what really irritates me, is a man telling me, that we will be intimate.

A man who suggests sex on the first date, is not being respectful. In the event,it's going to be a long term relationship, I strongly believe that sex can wait until you get to know what kind of person you're allowing into you "inner circle".

When and if we go through that door, I want to talk about what's going to happen, before, not during.
However, this conversation is really for individuals who are, or will be involved in a long term relationship.
I'd like the courtesy of also knowing before we turn back the sheets, if you need something to 'motivate' your passion, or if your motivating days are completely over (impotent). I've discovered from personal experiences that men who are, can be abusive. Not always, but then I've only been surprised with this, twice.

Sexual fetishes, for instance. I would do almost anything to please my significant other, but within reason. And this again brings up those 'grey' areas. Cross dressing, urinating on my significant other, walking on him with high heels, or using handcuffs. The last two things I'd be willing to consider, but if my man cross dressed or wanted the bodily fluid action, I would appreciate knowing about these fetishes BEFORE,
I don't like those kinds of surprises.

An open marriage, a threesome, I don't want to discuss these things, and once again, I don't want to hear about them on my honeymoon night either.

Watching porn, ummm been there, done that, but it would concern me if that was a daily everyday, gotta have it activity. This should be a dealbreaker. Porn everywhere, screams addiction.

Sexual fantasys should be discussed, a fun game, a fantasy jar, you both write down all your fantasys put them in the jar, and draw, it could be fun. Again, this should be done, before marriage, so you know, what your significant other, wants in the bedroom.

While living on the west coast, I worked as a desk clerk. One of my co-workers was a man who dressed as a woman. He had been the father of 5 children, however, during the marriage, he realized he really wanted to be a woman. This is the kind of information, I'd like to know BEFORE, I walk down the aisle,or on the first date, no, second date.

I'm also not into inserting things in areas that aren't natural, once again, conversations should be open and honest. Not on the first date, but soon after. If an individual needs to be sexually satisfied, and enjoys out of the ordinary kinds of things, they should be with someone who will be open to that. I think it's very unfair to spring your sexually fetishes on your significant other, after the fact.

On a couple of occasions, I was so happy that I had not been intimate with someone I was dating. I had absolutely no idea he was bisexual, and discovered it accidently. I went over to his house, uninvited, and the front door to his home was open (so strange). I walked in, and found him in his bed with another man.
Actually the same scenario happened again years later. Someone had forewarned me that the man I was dating was bisexual, I asked him, and he told me the truth.

I've read several stories about keeping it live, and keeping your partner happy. I'm personally all for that if it's the right person, but how do you know that? I do know this, I'm trying to do a million positions with someone I can't talk to, or who doesn't have enough respect for me, to open a door, wine and dine me every once in a while. I think not.

You don't want to be in bed, with your clothes off, and then start discussing what you will and won't do, it just doesn't work that way. Sex is a deal breaker, there's too many advice columns from women and men, expressing how good they think the sex is, however,they are upset because their significant other is having an affair. So, the sex may be good for them, but not for their spouse. Sad but true.

Keep it real, know everything you can about the person your about to be intimate with. Ask questions, and listen to the answer. If you don't hear the right words, then you may have to reconsider your options. If someone tells you, they only do things the way God intended, then understand that this someone may not be the one for you. In the event, your significant other is open to what your'e interested in doing, then you may have a green light.

But whatever you decide to do, enjoy yourself, and don't forget to protect your soul, and yourself.

Research before Romance-Sexual Consequences
Greg I Get It!
Baby's Mom Lied
Sexual Etiquette
Unforunate Results
3rd Man is Baby's Daddy
Forced to Marry
STD (question & answer)
Age and STD's
Your Sexual Past
No Cuddling
1 Nite Stand=Genital Warts
Genital Herpes
Husband's Secrets
Meaningless Relationship=HIV
Fling with Ex (how do I explain Herpes?)
Post Romp Rejection
I Just Want Sex
Husband Claims He's Done Nothing Wrong
Moral Standards
Husband Comes out of the Closet
Mom Discovers Son's Dark Secret
Mate Swapping
A Ruined Reputation is Not Going to Happen

Greg, I Get It! Trace age 25
Greg, I get it! I had two dates with a guy. On the second date we slept together. He said he would call me the next day (Tuesday) and he didn’t call me until the weekend. When he called, I told him that it was too late. He was stunned, but really, I don’t have time for that &*%$. It was the first time I had ever done anything like that and it felt great!

Grandson's mom is called a scammer
February 2, 2009 The Blade
Dear Annie:
My 22 year old son, "Josh," was in a relationship with "Kim" for over a year. She seemed nice, attended church with us, and told us horror stories about her abusive ex-boyfriend, "Buster". Although we weren't thrilled when Kim became pregnant, our family was excited about the new grandchild.

We took Kim to doctors' appointments and bought a car seat and baby clothes. A month before the baby was born, Buster was released from jail. Kim immediately turned on us, saying she lied about the baby's paternity and did not want us in her life, good-bye.

When Josh saw a picture of the baby, he had no doubt it was his. He filed a lawsuit for an enforced DNA test, and it turns out he was right. Now he is awaiting a formal decision on a custody arrangement, as he wants to be a good father to his son.

Even though Buster is back in jail, Kim has convinced both her parents and Buster's that he is the father of the baby. Once a week, the baby spends the night with Buster's parents so Kim can have a night out on the town. They have no idea the child is not actually related to them.

Josh doesn't want problems with Kim because she now allows him to spend some time with his son. However, the rest of us rarely see the child, who is 6 months old. We don't think it's our place to tell Buster's parents that they've been scammed. We don't even know them. What can we do? The Real Grandma

Dear Grandma:
Josh doesn't want to upset the apple cart right now, so for the moment, wait until the courts decide the custody arrangement. You should then be able to spend plenty of time with the baby when he's with Josh. As for Buster's parents, if Kim maintains a relationship with her jailbird boyfriend, they will be spending time with the baby anyway, blood related or not. Stay out of that mess.

Sexual Etiquette
Every relationship requires sensitivity, understanding, and compassion---from me to you, from us to them, and them to us---so that we can get along with one another, move ahead, and witness the flourishing, rather than the deterioration, of this society of ours. Thank goodness people are different from one another. But there is a complex map of relationships with responsibilities we need to follow as we experience life. It should be a question of accepting someone else's way of living, minding our own business, and avoiding acting with intolerance and prejudice.

The unfortunate results of the activity called sex:
When nonconsensual sex is forced on another person---i.e., rape and sodomy
When an unfaithful partner causes great emotional harm to the other partner.
When unwanted babies are born to unmarried couples.
When there's a forced marriage because of pregnancy.
When the unwed father refuses to accept responsibility for the child or children.
When sexual harassment occurs, either by men against women or by women against men.
When the criminal act of pedophilia occurs.
When sexual diseases are transmitted from a promiscuous partner to an innocent one.

Surprise! Third man is her baby's daddy
September 17, 2008 Toledo Journal
Dear Deanna!
A good friend and I became lovers and our friendship was ruined in the process. I had high hopes that our friendship was strong enough to bear any storm.

Before we started dating I was with someone else sexually. I became pregnant and thought I was certain who the father was. We were all shocked when the paternity test indicated a third man in my life.

I am torn inside, have lost my best friend and become a single parent. How can I at least get my friendship back? Tammie

Dear Tammie:
You have made a mess of your life and blazed a trail of destruction. You should be embarrassed and ashamed of yourself with your recreational sex and loose morals.

Your friendship was lost the moment you became intimate and completely killed it with your pregnancy.

Right now your focus is required to raise your child and get yourself together. If your friendship is meant to be, then your pal will return. If not, learn from your silly mistakes, grow up and keep it moving.

Back in 1959, I advised young girl not to marry. She was pregnant, and her parents were urging her to wed a very reluctant boy. Here's what my readers said:

Dear Ann Landers:
Do you believe in fate? Well, I do---now. That letter in your column on whether or not a young man should be forced to marry a girl appeared just in time to decide a crushing problem for us. Now, we feel we're doing exactly the right thing.

Your words "an unwilling groom makes a poor husband" made a lot of sense. When we showed it to our daughter, she said, "Ann's right. I know in my heart Nick doesn't want to marry me. That settles it."

You'll never know what a favor you did us, Ann Landers. For the first time in months, there is peace and contentment in our home. The baby will be put up for adoption through an agency, and our daughter will start life over in another city. God Bless you. Grateful Folks

Dear Ann:
Good for you. I had a shotgun wedding, and I've wished a million times since that the gun had been pointed at me, not him, and that someone had pulled the trigger.

I knew Jack didn't want to marry me, but my parents insisted. My mother kept harping, "Every child is entitled to a name. Nothing else counts now."

I was only 17, a nervous little girl, ignorant and scared. I thought Mama knew best. Besides, I had brought so much shame on the family, I couldn't hold up my head--much less give them an argument.

I've been miserable for 10 long years. I know now I would have been much better off facing the situation alone. Jack has never been a husband or a father, and I'm going it alone anyway. Anna

Dear Ann Landers:
I was one of those foolish girls who let my folks push me into marriage because I was in a family way at 17. My boyfriend told me if he was forced to marry me, he'd made me sorry. He's kept his word.

He has told our son, who is now 9, that he had to marry me and has warned the boy against getting mixed up with a woman like his mother. The poor child is too young to know what he talking about, but he'll know someday. I've had to work since the boy was 5 weeks old because my husband says his money belongs to him. Divorce is against our religion. My life is ruined and I'm only 26.

Your advice is excellent, but it came too late for me. Miserable

A note to all who wrote on this subject: The mail has been running 35 to 1 in favor of not forcing a marriage. Almost everyone who wrote has had firsthand experience. Thank you all for letting me know how it looks from inside the lodge. Your letters are deeply appreciated.

Q:Can a person with AIDS be prosecuted for knowingly infecting another person with the disease?

A: Yes. Although the law in this area is not well established, there have been cases where criminal charges have been brought against a person who knew he had AIDS and didn't tell his partner.

STDs Pay No Attention to Ages of Partners
Dear Annie:
I am 60 years old and have been divorced for a year. A month ago, I started a relationship with a"Ted" a 72 year old divorced man who is also seeing two other women. He says there are many lonely women in this world and, if I don't mind, he'd like to keep our relationship open. We have great sex once a week.

The problem is, Ted doesn't believe in using protection. He insists if a woman is clean, there is no problem with sex. Should I be concerned? Are there any statistics on older people suffering from AIDS?

Is Ted old enough to be immune from sexually transmitted diseases? Sue

Dear Sue:
Absolutely not. You can get a sexually transmitted disease, including HIV, at any age. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, HIV/AIDS is rapidly spreading amond men and women over 50, and it is partly because older adults lack awareness about the transmission of the disease or, like Ted, believe they are somehow immune. In fact, the 50 plus demographic represents 15 percent of all new AIDS cases, and part of that is due to the sexual risk taking that has resulted from male enhancement drugs such as Viagra. An estimated 250,000 people are living with AIDS and don't know it.

Understand that you are having sex with Ted and everyone he is having sex with, including all the sexual partners those other women have ever had. If he is unwilling to use a condom, you are putting yourself at risk. He should care enough about you (and himself) to take precautions.

Your Sexual Past
What about confession? Don’t! Reviewing your previous sex life with a new man is the worst idea you ever had! Remember when you have been confided in by a man about his sex life with another woman? Didn’t you feel as though you’d just swallowed a live five foot python? He may encourage you-“Tell me about your other lovers”. Don’t be tempted. He doesn’t mean it. I can’t stress this point strongly enough. There are no exceptions.

Dear Greg:
I have been dating a guy for a year that can’t sleep in the same bed with me. After we have sex, which is always nice and great, he has to sleep on the couch. He tells me he just “can’t deal”. Everything else is fine with our relationship. I just figure he has some intimacy issues that I have to be patient with. Does this have to be a sign that he’s just not that into me, or can I just see this through? Gloria

Dear Freak-Lover:
Here’s what I’d like to do: Put money down on the fact that everything is in fact not fine with you and freak boy’s relationship. He hasn’t slept in the same bed with you for a year? This is a freak that needs to be kicked off your freak loving couch and shown the bottom of your freak loving boot. The fact that you even care what this freak thinks of you is just proof that the world has indeed gone mad. Call it curtains on the freak show. Please.

Dear Ann Landers:
I'm a 20 year old college sophomore who lives in a coed dorm with 300 other students. Last year, I met a really neat guy from another school at a party. I made the mistake of sleeping with him on the first date. I thought he liked me a lot and would ask me out again. I was wrong. I'm sure he considered me a pushover.

I wish I could chalk this up to experience and forget it, but I can't. He gave me genital warts.

Ann, I'd never even heard of genital warts, but now I've become an expert. It's one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases around. Too bad it doesn't make the headlines like AIDS, though it is highly contagious. You can use a condom and still get genital warts. Once you have the virus, it is in your system for years. Without treatment these warts can cause cellular changes that could progress to cervical cancer. If you're pregnant, you can pass the virus on to your unborn child.

Ann, I'm scared to death. I can't concentrate on school. I'd give anything to be healthy again. My folks are supportive and I'm thankful for that.

And what about the guy I was with? He's out there, still scoring. I don't care what happens to him, which is not very nice, but I feel sorry for the girl he will probably charm the pants off of this weekend.

Please tell your readers that this disease is serious stuff. It can be deadly. No sex is worth the price I'm paying. Hurting Alone

Dear Alone:
I can understand your bitterness, but your attitude is almost as destructive as the genital warts. This doesn't have to ruin your life. HPV (human papillioma virus), the virus that causes genital warts, is both treatable and manageable.

I hope you are seeing a competent gynecologist. Treatment may not eradicte the pesky things, but you'll feel a lot better. Please educate yourself. Thank you for writing. I wish you the best of luck.

Dear Ann Landers:
Two years ago, I became ill with high fever, chills and severe genital pain. The diagnosis was genital herpes. At the time, my husband and I had been married 15 years. He was the only sex partner I'd ever had in my entire life. He showed no symptoms. Life in our household was hell. Thanks to the help of several doctors, we learned a lot about genital herpes.

1. Since my husband had other sex partners before our marriage, he could have contracted it then. Some people have such a mild case that they don't even know they have herpes. Nevertheless, they become carriers. Years later, they may have another mild (unnoticed) outbreak and pass on the virus.

2. Condoms do not protect against herpes because the virus is in the entire genital area.

3. If a sex partner with a cold sore performs oral sex, he or she can infect a partner.

4. I am a nurse, so Icould have picked it up while tending a patient. I am meticulous about hand washing, but that is no guarantee.

We still don't know how I got genital herpes. I have had two flare-ups since the initial outbreak. My husband has never had a symptom. I have never had a sex partner other than my husband.

Please tell "Trouble in Toledo" that I believe her husband completely. I know he could have contracted herpes without having an extramarital affair because that is what happened to me. New Orleans, La.

Dear N.O.:
Thanks for the backup. I have received many letters from readers who wanted to vouch for "Toledo's" husband because they, too, had had the same experience. My readers, bless them, are loyal not only to me but also to each other.

Dear Ann Landers
This is in response to "Trouble in Toledo," whose husband of 26 years contracted genital herpes.
I am 24 years old and have been married for one year. If my husband weren't so understanding, I probably wouldn't be married now. Three months after we became engaged, I was diagnosed with herpes. Before I met "Bob," he practiced safe sex, and I was less careful and more promiscuous. Because we'd been friends for a very long time, he knew about my past and accepted me in spite of it. Bob is the only man I've ever been faithful to.

I was terrified that he would think I'd been fooling around. It killed methat after finally turning my life around, something out of the past might destroy my future.

I asked my doctor how I could have gotten herpes since I was faithful to my fiance. She explained that I had probably had the virus before and something stressful had caused it to flare up.

Most men wouldn't have believed that, but Bob had faith in me. We must live with an outbreak from time to time but have learned to manage. Of course, we're being very careful so he won't be infected. My husband is rare person, and I plan to hang on to him for the rest of my life. Sacremento California

Dear Ann Landers:
I am a successful executive woman. A year ago, I applied for life insurance. I was required to take an HIV antibody test (as so-called AIDS test).

To my complete shock, it came back positive.

I am not a prostitute. I am not promiscuous. I am not and have never been an intravenous drug user. I am not a member of a minority group. I am not indigent nor am I homeless. I have not slept with a bisexual.

I am a suburban, non smoking, no-drug using, successful American woman. I don’t fit any of the stereotypes that ignorant people have designated for those infected with the HIV virus. I got HIV from a man I am in love with and have been seeing for five years. He is not homosexual or bisexual. He has never used intravenous drugs. He had no idea he was carrying the virus. He believes he may have been infected about six years ago by a woman with whom he had a brief, meaningless relationship.

We are both in excellent physical condition, and we look terrific. In my ignorance, I thought people who carried the AIDS virus looked emaciated. I now know it can take years for HIV infection to progress to AIDS. Researchers are learning more about this disease every day. There are many reasons to have hope.

Luckily, after seeing several doctors who knew nothing about AIDS, I found a brilliant, informed physician. He has given me hope and the will to live. I am also seeing a caring, supportive psychologist who has helped me tremendously. Until I found these educated professionals, I contemplated suicide daily for several months.

AIDS has become a party joke. People who would never kid about cancer, cerebral palsy, mental illness or tuberculosis think AIDS is fair game. They don’t realize I could be their sister, friend, co-worker, niece, daughter, or cousin. They treat AIDS differently because it is sexually transmitted.

Please, Ann print this letter to sensitize people to the hurt they cause when they make thoughtless comments. Many of us look like every else. Looking for Two Miracles in New England

Q:My husband and I had a huge fight a few months ago. I left home for about a week and, out of anger, I slept with an ex. Now, I’ve found out I have genital herpes. I can’t ask my spouse to start wearing condoms after 15 years of marriage-but I can’t tell him I was unfaithful. Help!

A:It’s time to ‘fess up’. You used poor judgment because you were angry. Don’t have another error in judgment because you’re afraid. Take responsibility for what you did, and tell your husband. He has a right to know that you have this treatable but incurable disease because it puts him at risk. Once you have genital herpes, it may continue to live in the body, even if no symptoms are present.

Many people who have it stay mum because they mistakenly think they aren’t contagious if they don’t have blisters. Up to 30 percent of infected people never have a second outbreak.

Meanwhile, you need to seek genuine forgiveness from your husband. But be prepared for an emotional roller coaster of a reaction. Show patience and understanding. Have the name of a couple’s therapist available, and if he refuses to visit, you go anyway.

You’re going to need the support (stress has been associated with herpes outbreaks) and he may join you later.

Post Romp Rejection
Every time I start seeing a new guy, he breaks up with me soon after we have sex. I always wait a few dates before hopping into bed, so I can

The very fact that you suspect sex could be the issue leads me to believe you may have a problem with it. Are you so scared you will do something wrong in bed that you don

When it comes to desire, nothing beats the real deal, and if the sex is good for you, then it will be good for him too. Perhaps sex itself isn

Understand that having sex doesn never figure out their own feelings. Maybe you should wait until you really know and like a man before hopping into bed with him.

Dear Deanna!
I'm a bachelor that actively dates and I'm tired of women trying to change me. I go into relationships being honest and direct. After a while, these women want more than I'm willing to give.

I don't have any problems with this but it makes me mad when they accuse me of leading them on, cheating and lying. It is what itis and I stay the same from the first date to the last.

What can I do to protect myself from drama when these women want more from me?
Travis the Bachelor Houston, Texas

Dear Bachelor:
You put yourself in this situation by playing the relationship game. If you don't want them asking for more, than you need to stop acting like a boyfriend and treat these women as around the way girls. In other words, if you're a recreational dater giving your body to all and heart to none, then let them know.

Yes, tell them that you're using them, you don't want anything serious and have more than one girlfriend. This will make your life easy and simple because once they hear the real truth, they'll slam you and keep searching for a real man.
Husband claims he’s done nothing wrong
Dear Annie:
My husband and I have been married for three years, and have a 21 month old daughter. Recently, my husband found out that he has gonorrhea. I asked him how he possibly could have contracted this disease. He insists he hasn’t been with anyone else and that he would never risk losing me and our daughter.

He says he goes straight to work and right back home. I can’t think when he would have the opportunity to cheat, but let’s face it; it doesn’t take all that long. I am convinced he’s slept with another woman because gonorrhea is a sexually transmitted disease.

I am upset, confused, and crushed that my husband would lie to me like this. I mean, there can’t be any other way to get this right? I hate being left in the dark, and I don’t deserve this. How do I get him to ‘fess up? Ready to Leave

Dear Ready to Leave:
We don’t want to break up a family, but it is highly unlikely that your husband contracted gonorrhea through any means other than sexual contact. Symptoms usually show up within 30 days of exposure. If there are details that could exonerate him, you should discuss it with your gynecologist or internist, or contact the American Social Health Association (www.ashastd.org), P.O Box 13827, Research Triangle Park, N.C. 27709

Gon-or-rhe-a n. A contagious venereal infection transmitted chiefly by sexual intercourse. Source: Webster’s Dictionary

No rush to tell boyfriend of moral standards
The Blade June 13, 2005
Dear Annie:
I’m 18 years old and a virgin in every sense of the word. I’ve dated and kissed guys, but that’s as far as it’s ever gone. I have no desire to be sexually active, because I vowed years ago to save myself for the man I marry.

I recently started seeing a really nice guy who is a year older than I am. I haven’t told him that I’m a virgin, because if I do, I also have to tell him that I don’t plan on sleeping with him unless it’s our wedding night. I’m not ready to get married, but I don’t want to drive him away. Also, I don’t want him to see me as some sort of conquest.
I know if he cares about me, he will understand my desire to remain chaste. But I’ve already been dumped for sticking to my morals, and I don’t want to lose this guy. Should I tell him? Or should I wait until things get more serious? Chaste at U of I

Dear Chaste:
There’s no reason to tell him now. As you well know, any guy who would dump you because you won’t sleep with him isn’t the right guy for you. Get to know him better, and allow him the opportunity to learn what a great person you are before throwing sex into the mix. As the relationship progresses, it will be more natural for you to tell him that you are saving yourself for marriage. We hope he respects your decision and sticks around.

“I was afraid I’d get AIDS”

The AFTERMATH
“When Mike and I finally separated, everyone said “ I knew it!” They knew he was gay. Financially, I was very frightened. Had Mike said: ‘Yes, I’m gay, but I’d like to stay and be a family,’ I might have let him. Thank God he didn’t say that....

BIGGEST FEAR
“ In the last years of our marriage, I had a breakdown, and I became obsessed with the fear of getting AIDS. Mike said I was crazy. One thing that I still resent is that he could have said, at that point, ‘OK, I’m gay, but I don’t have AIDS.’ It took him 2 more years for him to come out.

Mom in a quandary about relationships
Dear Annie:
After a recent visit from my 25 year old unmarried son, "Josh," I found undeniable evidence that he has been involved in several homosexual encounters. Although I can't say I am happy to learn this, it doesn't change my feelings. I still love him very much.

The problem is, Josh has been dating a wonderful young woman for mroe than two years. They are planning to move in together in the near future. I am so frightened and upset that he is putting not only his health at risk, but hers as well. I'm also worried about the emotional trauma she will suffer if and when she finds out about his sexual behavior.

Do I confront him with this knowledge or keep it to myself? He's Still my Son

Dear Still:
Talk to Josh and tell him what you know. Explain that it is unfair and potentially hurtful to his girlfriend to keep her in the dark about his sexual orientation, whatever it may be, and any risky sexual behavior he has previously engaged in. She deserves to know what she's getting into. We hope this opens up a dialogue that will encourage Josh to come clean.

Mate swapping has wrecked my love life
Q:My wife and I swapped mates with our good friends one night on vacation. Well, actually, it was a few nights. We all though it would just be a fling, but we continued swapping when we got home. That’s now come to an end. The problem is, my own wife doesn’t turn me on sexually anymore. All I think about is the other woman. Is there anything I can do to revitalize my sexual desire for my wife?-J.L.Phoenix, Ariz.

A:The first thing you need to do is to speak with your wife-she might feel the same way. And maybe her lack of passion is contributing to yours. To some degree, you’ve replaced a forbidden thrill with the ordinary. And after so much titillation, you both probably need to renew your sexual desire for each other. Do whatever it takes to rekindle the passion. See a sex therapist, take a romantic vacation-anything you think might help. Get creative!

Guys in school are trying to ruin my reputation
Q: My older sister earned a reputation as an "easy mark" in high school, and some guys expect me to follow in her footsteps. But I'm not that kind of girl and want more from my life. I plan to go to college and expect to save myself for someone I really care about. But the guys in school are making my life miserable. They've even started some nasty rumors about me. What can I do to stop it? G.B.

A: Stay virtuous and don't worry about the guys. Focus on your studies and getting into college. If you're as levelheaded as you sound, you'll meet a great young man and the rest will be romantic history. Push the negativity away, be true to yourself and you'll wind up a winner.

Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today

Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611

Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com