Sexual Consequences
Article: Sexual Consequences
Article: Sexual Consequences
Article: Sexual Surprises
Chapter from Research before Romance (Sexual Consequences)
Research before Romance-Sexual Consequences by: T. L. Moss
If you don't take the time to find out what kind of person you are sharing yourself with, you will find yourself disappointed.
There's nothing worst then to realize you were simply used as a release object. Or worst yet, discover too late that the person doesn't know what to do, and is wasting your time. And then there's that quiet unknown danger, you didn't ask the person to bring you proof that they are clean, and you assume that they are free of an STDs, but they aren't.
I met a woman a few months ago, she was suffering from AIDS and was dying. She had met and started a relationship with a man who also was dying from AIDS, they had sex, she got pregnant. She gave birth to a little girl they named Hope. When I met Hope she was I think 8 years old. She was suffering from HIV, passed on from her parents. She had just gotten out of the hospital, and was recovering from a stroke, the one she had at the age of 6 left her with partial use of her left side, so she walked with a limp.
We can walk through this chapter all day, and the conversation will always be the same. You have to approach this very carefully. If you want a one night stand, protect yourself, don't expose your feelings, and don't expect anything. Also be aware that the double standards in 2009 are just like they were in 1706, if you are a woman one night stands label you as a loose woman with no morals. Men are still studs, but we know that they are loose men with no morals.
There are consequences, for making bad choices, the best luck, you'll enjoy yourself, the worst thing that could happen,you contract a STD you can't get rid of. And the gray area, your labeled because of your actions, or you get pregnant or impregnant someone you really don't want in your life.
And if your sneaking, and you've got someone you love in your life, you might lose that person, if they discover you been here, there, and everywhere with other people.
But again, everytime you subject yourself to being someone 'object for release' you take the chance that you'll get your feelings hurt.
So what's being said about sexual consequences, it can be very enjoyable, or the worst night of your life. And the gray area, you can get your feelings hurt, or end up with a child you don't want or aren't ready for. Take your time, read all the chapters in Research before Romance, and steer clear of addicts, bad boys, rebound romances, people who don't want to commitment or communicate, individuals who are verbally abusive, they shouldn't get the priviledge, and those men or women who are simply only interested in having sex with you, to make someone else jealous.
Sexual consequences, the above mentioned individuals are the people to avoid.
Don't ever think you can win someone's heart by having sex, life doesn't work that way. Good men and women won't pressure you, and if they don't come around anymore if you say no, then you've got off easy.
Take care of your heart and self worth, be selective before having sex with someone you don't know well.
Sexual Consequences2 by: T. L. Moss
What are the consequences of sexual liaisons? There could be several after effects which begin with getting caught, that's if you're in a relationship, and if you don't get caught and your significant other just suspects something's going on, you've lost the trust of the woman/man that shares your life. This could result in a miserable existence in your home. Alot of tension, stress, and can result in the break up of a relationship, which could mean the loss of financial security, and the destruction of a family. That's the first consequence of a meaningless sexual fling.
The conversation of contracting a STD was mentioned in Consequences 1, but what wasn't discussed was the possibility of picking up something that could permanently damage your reproductive organs. It may not be important if your not in a serious relationship, but when the time comes and you want to start a family... just something to think about.
Unprotected sex may feel good, but there are too many downsides to a few minutes of meaningless sex.
We haven't even discussed the scams that are played by men and women. Men who say a doctor told them they would never be able to have children, or men who claim to have had a vasetomy. Unless this person is your husband, I would never take the chance. This will only result in denial, a request for a DNA test, refusal to pay child support etc etc, why take the chance of having to deal with unnecessary drama.
And then there's the women who claim a doctor told them they couldn't have children, or that it would be difficult because of a tilted uterus, or some other female problem. Men are told they don't have to wear a condom. Red Flag! It's a trap, or it could be.
Men who have a woman tell them they want to have their baby, should be a conversation between a couple who are in a serious relationship, and not sexual fly by night. As soon as this is mentioned, a man is going to have a problem, called entrapment. As soon as this is brought up, the next step should be a pregnancy test. Both participants should be there , when the results are complete. The next step is
to end the liasion as soon as a you know it's negative. Otherwise...we know, would could be the end of this story... for all you know this person is already pregnant, and planning on making your life hell until the DNA results come back in 9 months. In the meantime, if you're in a relationship, and decide to tell your S.O. that's going to cause problems at home, or the other woman may decide to tell her.
You can distance yourself, threaten her, beg, do whatever you want, but until those DNA results come back, you'll be at her/his mercy. And it happened because you wanted to be comfortable,instead of safe.
Research before Romance Sexual Surprises by: T. L. Moss
I'll let you know early, don't ask me for sex, it's a turn off. Especially if I know that we aren't going to go through that door. I know what I want, and what really irritates me, is a man telling me, that we will be intimate.
A man who suggests sex on the first date, is not being respectful. In the event,it's going to be a long term relationship, I strongly believe that sex can wait until you get to know what kind of person you're allowing into you "inner circle".
When and if we go through that door, I want to talk about what's going to happen, before, not during.
However, this conversation is really for individuals who are, or will be involved in a long term relationship.
I'd like the courtesy of also knowing before we turn back the sheets, if you need something to 'motivate' your passion, or if your motivating days are completely over (impotent). I've discovered from personal experiences that men who are, can be abusive. Not always, but then I've only been surprised with this, twice.
Sexual fetishes, for instance. I would do almost anything to please my significant other, but within reason. And this again brings up those 'grey' areas. Cross dressing, urinating on my significant other, walking on him with high heels, or using handcuffs. The last two things I'd be willing to consider, but if my man cross dressed or wanted the bodily fluid action, I would appreciate knowing about these fetishes BEFORE,
I don't like those kinds of surprises.
An open marriage, a threesome, I don't want to discuss these things, and once again, I don't want to hear about them on my honeymoon night either.
Watching porn, ummm been there, done that, but it would concern me if that was a daily everyday, gotta have it activity. This should be a dealbreaker. Porn everywhere, screams addiction.
Sexual fantasys should be discussed, a fun game, a fantasy jar, you both write down all your fantasys put them in the jar, and draw, it could be fun. Again, this should be done, before marriage, so you know, what your significant other, wants in the bedroom.
While living on the west coast, I worked as a desk clerk. One of my co-workers was a man who dressed as a woman. He had been the father of 5 children, however, during the marriage, he realized he really wanted to be a woman. This is the kind of information, I'd like to know BEFORE, I walk down the aisle,or on the first date, no, second date.
I'm also not into inserting things in areas that aren't natural, once again, conversations should be open and honest. Not on the first date, but soon after. If an individual needs to be sexually satisfied, and enjoys out of the ordinary kinds of things, they should be with someone who will be open to that. I think it's very unfair to spring your sexually fetishes on your significant other, after the fact.
On a couple of occasions, I was so happy that I had not been intimate with someone I was dating. I had absolutely no idea he was bisexual, and discovered it accidently. I went over to his house, uninvited, and the front door to his home was open (so strange). I walked in, and found him in his bed with another man.
Actually the same scenario happened again years later. Someone had forewarned me that the man I was dating was bisexual, I asked him, and he told me the truth.
I've read several stories about keeping it live, and keeping your partner happy. I'm personally all for that if it's the right person, but how do you know that? I do know this, I'm trying to do a million positions with someone I can't talk to, or who doesn't have enough respect for me, to open a door, wine and dine me every once in a while. I think not.
You don't want to be in bed, with your clothes off, and then start discussing what you will and won't do, it just doesn't work that way. Sex is a deal breaker, there's too many advice columns from women and men, expressing how good they think the sex is, however,they are upset because their significant other is having an affair. So, the sex may be good for them, but not for their spouse. Sad but true.
Keep it real, know everything you can about the person your about to be intimate with. Ask questions, and listen to the answer. If you don't hear the right words, then you may have to reconsider your options. If someone tells you, they only do things the way God intended, then understand that this someone may not be the one for you. In the event, your significant other is open to what your'e interested in doing, then you may have a green light.
But whatever you decide to do, enjoy yourself, and don't forget to protect your soul, and yourself.
Research before Romance-Sexual Consequences
Greg I Get It!
Baby's Mom Lied
Sexual Etiquette
Unforunate Results
3rd Man is Baby's Daddy
Forced to Marry
STD (question & answer)
Age and STD's
Your Sexual Past
No Cuddling
1 Nite Stand=Genital Warts
Genital Herpes
Husband's Secrets
Meaningless Relationship=HIV
Fling with Ex (how do I explain Herpes?)
Post Romp Rejection
I Just Want Sex
Husband Claims He's Done Nothing Wrong
Moral Standards
Husband Comes out of the Closet
Mom Discovers Son's Dark Secret
Mate Swapping
A Ruined Reputation is Not Going to Happen
Greg, I Get It! Trace age 25
Greg, I get it! I had two dates with a guy. On the second date we slept together. He said he would call me the next day (Tuesday) and he didn’t call me until the weekend. When he called, I told him that it was too late. He was stunned, but really, I don’t have time for that &*%$. It was the first time I had ever done anything like that and it felt great!
Grandson's mom is called a scammer
February 2, 2009 The Blade
Dear Annie:
My 22 year old son, "Josh," was in a relationship with "Kim" for over a year. She seemed nice, attended church with us, and told us horror stories about her abusive ex-boyfriend, "Buster". Although we weren't thrilled when Kim became pregnant, our family was excited about the new grandchild.
We took Kim to doctors' appointments and bought a car seat and baby clothes. A month before the baby was born, Buster was released from jail. Kim immediately turned on us, saying she lied about the baby's paternity and did not want us in her life, good-bye.
When Josh saw a picture of the baby, he had no doubt it was his. He filed a lawsuit for an enforced DNA test, and it turns out he was right. Now he is awaiting a formal decision on a custody arrangement, as he wants to be a good father to his son.
Even though Buster is back in jail, Kim has convinced both her parents and Buster's that he is the father of the baby. Once a week, the baby spends the night with Buster's parents so Kim can have a night out on the town. They have no idea the child is not actually related to them.
Josh doesn't want problems with Kim because she now allows him to spend some time with his son. However, the rest of us rarely see the child, who is 6 months old. We don't think it's our place to tell Buster's parents that they've been scammed. We don't even know them. What can we do? The Real Grandma
Dear Grandma:
Josh doesn't want to upset the apple cart right now, so for the moment, wait until the courts decide the custody arrangement. You should then be able to spend plenty of time with the baby when he's with Josh. As for Buster's parents, if Kim maintains a relationship with her jailbird boyfriend, they will be spending time with the baby anyway, blood related or not. Stay out of that mess.
Sexual Etiquette
Every relationship requires sensitivity, understanding, and compassion---from me to you, from us to them, and them to us---so that we can get along with one another, move ahead, and witness the flourishing, rather than the deterioration, of this society of ours. Thank goodness people are different from one another. But there is a complex map of relationships with responsibilities we need to follow as we experience life. It should be a question of accepting someone else's way of living, minding our own business, and avoiding acting with intolerance and prejudice.
The unfortunate results of the activity called sex:
When nonconsensual sex is forced on another person---i.e., rape and sodomy
When an unfaithful partner causes great emotional harm to the other partner.
When unwanted babies are born to unmarried couples.
When there's a forced marriage because of pregnancy.
When the unwed father refuses to accept responsibility for the child or children.
When sexual harassment occurs, either by men against women or by women against men.
When the criminal act of pedophilia occurs.
When sexual diseases are transmitted from a promiscuous partner to an innocent one.
Surprise! Third man is her baby's daddy
September 17, 2008 Toledo Journal
Dear Deanna!
A good friend and I became lovers and our friendship was ruined in the process. I had high hopes that our friendship was strong enough to bear any storm.
Before we started dating I was with someone else sexually. I became pregnant and thought I was certain who the father was. We were all shocked when the paternity test indicated a third man in my life.
I am torn inside, have lost my best friend and become a single parent. How can I at least get my friendship back? Tammie
Dear Tammie:
You have made a mess of your life and blazed a trail of destruction. You should be embarrassed and ashamed of yourself with your recreational sex and loose morals.
Your friendship was lost the moment you became intimate and completely killed it with your pregnancy.
Right now your focus is required to raise your child and get yourself together. If your friendship is meant to be, then your pal will return. If not, learn from your silly mistakes, grow up and keep it moving.
Back in 1959, I advised young girl not to marry. She was pregnant, and her parents were urging her to wed a very reluctant boy. Here's what my readers said:
Dear Ann Landers:
Do you believe in fate? Well, I do---now. That letter in your column on whether or not a young man should be forced to marry a girl appeared just in time to decide a crushing problem for us. Now, we feel we're doing exactly the right thing.
Your words "an unwilling groom makes a poor husband" made a lot of sense. When we showed it to our daughter, she said, "Ann's right. I know in my heart Nick doesn't want to marry me. That settles it."
You'll never know what a favor you did us, Ann Landers. For the first time in months, there is peace and contentment in our home. The baby will be put up for adoption through an agency, and our daughter will start life over in another city. God Bless you. Grateful Folks
Dear Ann:
Good for you. I had a shotgun wedding, and I've wished a million times since that the gun had been pointed at me, not him, and that someone had pulled the trigger.
I knew Jack didn't want to marry me, but my parents insisted. My mother kept harping, "Every child is entitled to a name. Nothing else counts now."
I was only 17, a nervous little girl, ignorant and scared. I thought Mama knew best. Besides, I had brought so much shame on the family, I couldn't hold up my head--much less give them an argument.
I've been miserable for 10 long years. I know now I would have been much better off facing the situation alone. Jack has never been a husband or a father, and I'm going it alone anyway. Anna
Dear Ann Landers:
I was one of those foolish girls who let my folks push me into marriage because I was in a family way at 17. My boyfriend told me if he was forced to marry me, he'd made me sorry. He's kept his word.
He has told our son, who is now 9, that he had to marry me and has warned the boy against getting mixed up with a woman like his mother. The poor child is too young to know what he talking about, but he'll know someday. I've had to work since the boy was 5 weeks old because my husband says his money belongs to him. Divorce is against our religion. My life is ruined and I'm only 26.
Your advice is excellent, but it came too late for me. Miserable
A note to all who wrote on this subject: The mail has been running 35 to 1 in favor of not forcing a marriage. Almost everyone who wrote has had firsthand experience. Thank you all for letting me know how it looks from inside the lodge. Your letters are deeply appreciated.
Q:Can a person with AIDS be prosecuted for knowingly infecting another person with the disease?
A: Yes. Although the law in this area is not well established, there have been cases where criminal charges have been brought against a person who knew he had AIDS and didn't tell his partner.
STDs Pay No Attention to Ages of Partners
Dear Annie:
I am 60 years old and have been divorced for a year. A month ago, I started a relationship with a"Ted" a 72 year old divorced man who is also seeing two other women. He says there are many lonely women in this world and, if I don't mind, he'd like to keep our relationship open. We have great sex once a week.
The problem is, Ted doesn't believe in using protection. He insists if a woman is clean, there is no problem with sex. Should I be concerned? Are there any statistics on older people suffering from AIDS?
Is Ted old enough to be immune from sexually transmitted diseases? Sue
Dear Sue:
Absolutely not. You can get a sexually transmitted disease, including HIV, at any age. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, HIV/AIDS is rapidly spreading amond men and women over 50, and it is partly because older adults lack awareness about the transmission of the disease or, like Ted, believe they are somehow immune. In fact, the 50 plus demographic represents 15 percent of all new AIDS cases, and part of that is due to the sexual risk taking that has resulted from male enhancement drugs such as Viagra. An estimated 250,000 people are living with AIDS and don't know it.
Understand that you are having sex with Ted and everyone he is having sex with, including all the sexual partners those other women have ever had. If he is unwilling to use a condom, you are putting yourself at risk. He should care enough about you (and himself) to take precautions.
Your Sexual Past
What about confession? Don’t! Reviewing your previous sex life with a new man is the worst idea you ever had! Remember when you have been confided in by a man about his sex life with another woman? Didn’t you feel as though you’d just swallowed a live five foot python? He may encourage you-“Tell me about your other lovers”. Don’t be tempted. He doesn’t mean it. I can’t stress this point strongly enough. There are no exceptions.
Dear Greg:
I have been dating a guy for a year that can’t sleep in the same bed with me. After we have sex, which is always nice and great, he has to sleep on the couch. He tells me he just “can’t deal”. Everything else is fine with our relationship. I just figure he has some intimacy issues that I have to be patient with. Does this have to be a sign that he’s just not that into me, or can I just see this through? Gloria
Dear Freak-Lover:
Here’s what I’d like to do: Put money down on the fact that everything is in fact not fine with you and freak boy’s relationship. He hasn’t slept in the same bed with you for a year? This is a freak that needs to be kicked off your freak loving couch and shown the bottom of your freak loving boot. The fact that you even care what this freak thinks of you is just proof that the world has indeed gone mad. Call it curtains on the freak show. Please.
Dear Ann Landers:
I'm a 20 year old college sophomore who lives in a coed dorm with 300 other students. Last year, I met a really neat guy from another school at a party. I made the mistake of sleeping with him on the first date. I thought he liked me a lot and would ask me out again. I was wrong. I'm sure he considered me a pushover.
I wish I could chalk this up to experience and forget it, but I can't. He gave me genital warts.
Ann, I'd never even heard of genital warts, but now I've become an expert. It's one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases around. Too bad it doesn't make the headlines like AIDS, though it is highly contagious. You can use a condom and still get genital warts. Once you have the virus, it is in your system for years. Without treatment these warts can cause cellular changes that could progress to cervical cancer. If you're pregnant, you can pass the virus on to your unborn child.
Ann, I'm scared to death. I can't concentrate on school. I'd give anything to be healthy again. My folks are supportive and I'm thankful for that.
And what about the guy I was with? He's out there, still scoring. I don't care what happens to him, which is not very nice, but I feel sorry for the girl he will probably charm the pants off of this weekend.
Please tell your readers that this disease is serious stuff. It can be deadly. No sex is worth the price I'm paying. Hurting Alone
Dear Alone:
I can understand your bitterness, but your attitude is almost as destructive as the genital warts. This doesn't have to ruin your life. HPV (human papillioma virus), the virus that causes genital warts, is both treatable and manageable.
I hope you are seeing a competent gynecologist. Treatment may not eradicte the pesky things, but you'll feel a lot better. Please educate yourself. Thank you for writing. I wish you the best of luck.
Dear Ann Landers:
Two years ago, I became ill with high fever, chills and severe genital pain. The diagnosis was genital herpes. At the time, my husband and I had been married 15 years. He was the only sex partner I'd ever had in my entire life. He showed no symptoms. Life in our household was hell. Thanks to the help of several doctors, we learned a lot about genital herpes.
1. Since my husband had other sex partners before our marriage, he could have contracted it then. Some people have such a mild case that they don't even know they have herpes. Nevertheless, they become carriers. Years later, they may have another mild (unnoticed) outbreak and pass on the virus.
2. Condoms do not protect against herpes because the virus is in the entire genital area.
3. If a sex partner with a cold sore performs oral sex, he or she can infect a partner.
4. I am a nurse, so Icould have picked it up while tending a patient. I am meticulous about hand washing, but that is no guarantee.
We still don't know how I got genital herpes. I have had two flare-ups since the initial outbreak. My husband has never had a symptom. I have never had a sex partner other than my husband.
Please tell "Trouble in Toledo" that I believe her husband completely. I know he could have contracted herpes without having an extramarital affair because that is what happened to me. New Orleans, La.
Dear N.O.:
Thanks for the backup. I have received many letters from readers who wanted to vouch for "Toledo's" husband because they, too, had had the same experience. My readers, bless them, are loyal not only to me but also to each other.
Dear Ann Landers
This is in response to "Trouble in Toledo," whose husband of 26 years contracted genital herpes.
I am 24 years old and have been married for one year. If my husband weren't so understanding, I probably wouldn't be married now. Three months after we became engaged, I was diagnosed with herpes. Before I met "Bob," he practiced safe sex, and I was less careful and more promiscuous. Because we'd been friends for a very long time, he knew about my past and accepted me in spite of it. Bob is the only man I've ever been faithful to.
I was terrified that he would think I'd been fooling around. It killed methat after finally turning my life around, something out of the past might destroy my future.
I asked my doctor how I could have gotten herpes since I was faithful to my fiance. She explained that I had probably had the virus before and something stressful had caused it to flare up.
Most men wouldn't have believed that, but Bob had faith in me. We must live with an outbreak from time to time but have learned to manage. Of course, we're being very careful so he won't be infected. My husband is rare person, and I plan to hang on to him for the rest of my life. Sacremento California
Dear Ann Landers:
I am a successful executive woman. A year ago, I applied for life insurance. I was required to take an HIV antibody test (as so-called AIDS test).
To my complete shock, it came back positive.
I am not a prostitute. I am not promiscuous. I am not and have never been an intravenous drug user. I am not a member of a minority group. I am not indigent nor am I homeless. I have not slept with a bisexual.
I am a suburban, non smoking, no-drug using, successful American woman. I don’t fit any of the stereotypes that ignorant people have designated for those infected with the HIV virus. I got HIV from a man I am in love with and have been seeing for five years. He is not homosexual or bisexual. He has never used intravenous drugs. He had no idea he was carrying the virus. He believes he may have been infected about six years ago by a woman with whom he had a brief, meaningless relationship.
We are both in excellent physical condition, and we look terrific. In my ignorance, I thought people who carried the AIDS virus looked emaciated. I now know it can take years for HIV infection to progress to AIDS. Researchers are learning more about this disease every day. There are many reasons to have hope.
Luckily, after seeing several doctors who knew nothing about AIDS, I found a brilliant, informed physician. He has given me hope and the will to live. I am also seeing a caring, supportive psychologist who has helped me tremendously. Until I found these educated professionals, I contemplated suicide daily for several months.
AIDS has become a party joke. People who would never kid about cancer, cerebral palsy, mental illness or tuberculosis think AIDS is fair game. They don’t realize I could be their sister, friend, co-worker, niece, daughter, or cousin. They treat AIDS differently because it is sexually transmitted.
Please, Ann print this letter to sensitize people to the hurt they cause when they make thoughtless comments. Many of us look like every else. Looking for Two Miracles in New England
Q:My husband and I had a huge fight a few months ago. I left home for about a week and, out of anger, I slept with an ex. Now, I’ve found out I have genital herpes. I can’t ask my spouse to start wearing condoms after 15 years of marriage-but I can’t tell him I was unfaithful. Help!
A:It’s time to ‘fess up’. You used poor judgment because you were angry. Don’t have another error in judgment because you’re afraid. Take responsibility for what you did, and tell your husband. He has a right to know that you have this treatable but incurable disease because it puts him at risk. Once you have genital herpes, it may continue to live in the body, even if no symptoms are present.
Many people who have it stay mum because they mistakenly think they aren’t contagious if they don’t have blisters. Up to 30 percent of infected people never have a second outbreak.
Meanwhile, you need to seek genuine forgiveness from your husband. But be prepared for an emotional roller coaster of a reaction. Show patience and understanding. Have the name of a couple’s therapist available, and if he refuses to visit, you go anyway.
You’re going to need the support (stress has been associated with herpes outbreaks) and he may join you later.
Post Romp Rejection
Every time I start seeing a new guy, he breaks up with me soon after we have sex. I always wait a few dates before hopping into bed, so I can
The very fact that you suspect sex could be the issue leads me to believe you may have a problem with it. Are you so scared you will do something wrong in bed that you don
When it comes to desire, nothing beats the real deal, and if the sex is good for you, then it will be good for him too. Perhaps sex itself isn
Understand that having sex doesn never figure out their own feelings. Maybe you should wait until you really know and like a man before hopping into bed with him.
Dear Deanna!
I'm a bachelor that actively dates and I'm tired of women trying to change me. I go into relationships being honest and direct. After a while, these women want more than I'm willing to give.
I don't have any problems with this but it makes me mad when they accuse me of leading them on, cheating and lying. It is what itis and I stay the same from the first date to the last.
What can I do to protect myself from drama when these women want more from me?
Travis the Bachelor Houston, Texas
Dear Bachelor:
You put yourself in this situation by playing the relationship game. If you don't want them asking for more, than you need to stop acting like a boyfriend and treat these women as around the way girls. In other words, if you're a recreational dater giving your body to all and heart to none, then let them know.
Yes, tell them that you're using them, you don't want anything serious and have more than one girlfriend. This will make your life easy and simple because once they hear the real truth, they'll slam you and keep searching for a real man.
Husband claims he’s done nothing wrong
Dear Annie:
My husband and I have been married for three years, and have a 21 month old daughter. Recently, my husband found out that he has gonorrhea. I asked him how he possibly could have contracted this disease. He insists he hasn’t been with anyone else and that he would never risk losing me and our daughter.
He says he goes straight to work and right back home. I can’t think when he would have the opportunity to cheat, but let’s face it; it doesn’t take all that long. I am convinced he’s slept with another woman because gonorrhea is a sexually transmitted disease.
I am upset, confused, and crushed that my husband would lie to me like this. I mean, there can’t be any other way to get this right? I hate being left in the dark, and I don’t deserve this. How do I get him to ‘fess up? Ready to Leave
Dear Ready to Leave:
We don’t want to break up a family, but it is highly unlikely that your husband contracted gonorrhea through any means other than sexual contact. Symptoms usually show up within 30 days of exposure. If there are details that could exonerate him, you should discuss it with your gynecologist or internist, or contact the American Social Health Association (www.ashastd.org), P.O Box 13827, Research Triangle Park, N.C. 27709
Gon-or-rhe-a n. A contagious venereal infection transmitted chiefly by sexual intercourse. Source: Webster’s Dictionary
No rush to tell boyfriend of moral standards
The Blade June 13, 2005
Dear Annie:
I’m 18 years old and a virgin in every sense of the word. I’ve dated and kissed guys, but that’s as far as it’s ever gone. I have no desire to be sexually active, because I vowed years ago to save myself for the man I marry.
I recently started seeing a really nice guy who is a year older than I am. I haven’t told him that I’m a virgin, because if I do, I also have to tell him that I don’t plan on sleeping with him unless it’s our wedding night. I’m not ready to get married, but I don’t want to drive him away. Also, I don’t want him to see me as some sort of conquest.
I know if he cares about me, he will understand my desire to remain chaste. But I’ve already been dumped for sticking to my morals, and I don’t want to lose this guy. Should I tell him? Or should I wait until things get more serious? Chaste at U of I
Dear Chaste:
There’s no reason to tell him now. As you well know, any guy who would dump you because you won’t sleep with him isn’t the right guy for you. Get to know him better, and allow him the opportunity to learn what a great person you are before throwing sex into the mix. As the relationship progresses, it will be more natural for you to tell him that you are saving yourself for marriage. We hope he respects your decision and sticks around.
“I was afraid I’d get AIDS”
The AFTERMATH
“When Mike and I finally separated, everyone said “ I knew it!” They knew he was gay. Financially, I was very frightened. Had Mike said: ‘Yes, I’m gay, but I’d like to stay and be a family,’ I might have let him. Thank God he didn’t say that....
BIGGEST FEAR
“ In the last years of our marriage, I had a breakdown, and I became obsessed with the fear of getting AIDS. Mike said I was crazy. One thing that I still resent is that he could have said, at that point, ‘OK, I’m gay, but I don’t have AIDS.’ It took him 2 more years for him to come out.
Mom in a quandary about relationships
Dear Annie:
After a recent visit from my 25 year old unmarried son, "Josh," I found undeniable evidence that he has been involved in several homosexual encounters. Although I can't say I am happy to learn this, it doesn't change my feelings. I still love him very much.
The problem is, Josh has been dating a wonderful young woman for mroe than two years. They are planning to move in together in the near future. I am so frightened and upset that he is putting not only his health at risk, but hers as well. I'm also worried about the emotional trauma she will suffer if and when she finds out about his sexual behavior.
Do I confront him with this knowledge or keep it to myself? He's Still my Son
Dear Still:
Talk to Josh and tell him what you know. Explain that it is unfair and potentially hurtful to his girlfriend to keep her in the dark about his sexual orientation, whatever it may be, and any risky sexual behavior he has previously engaged in. She deserves to know what she's getting into. We hope this opens up a dialogue that will encourage Josh to come clean.
Mate swapping has wrecked my love life
Q:My wife and I swapped mates with our good friends one night on vacation. Well, actually, it was a few nights. We all though it would just be a fling, but we continued swapping when we got home. That’s now come to an end. The problem is, my own wife doesn’t turn me on sexually anymore. All I think about is the other woman. Is there anything I can do to revitalize my sexual desire for my wife?-J.L.Phoenix, Ariz.
A:The first thing you need to do is to speak with your wife-she might feel the same way. And maybe her lack of passion is contributing to yours. To some degree, you’ve replaced a forbidden thrill with the ordinary. And after so much titillation, you both probably need to renew your sexual desire for each other. Do whatever it takes to rekindle the passion. See a sex therapist, take a romantic vacation-anything you think might help. Get creative!
Guys in school are trying to ruin my reputation
Q: My older sister earned a reputation as an "easy mark" in high school, and some guys expect me to follow in her footsteps. But I'm not that kind of girl and want more from my life. I plan to go to college and expect to save myself for someone I really care about. But the guys in school are making my life miserable. They've even started some nasty rumors about me. What can I do to stop it? G.B.
A: Stay virtuous and don't worry about the guys. Focus on your studies and getting into college. If you're as levelheaded as you sound, you'll meet a great young man and the rest will be romantic history. Push the negativity away, be true to yourself and you'll wind up a winner.
Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today
Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611
Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Self Esteem
Self Esteem
Article: Self Esteem
Article: Followers
Article: Pleasers
Article: Treatment of Others
Chapter from Research before Romance
Research before Romance-Self Esteem by: T. L. Moss
Having self esteem will protect you from having your heart broken. You will find yourself being selective, and associating yourself with people like yourself, who are sensitive and care about the feelings of others.
You won't find yourself in drama filled environments, in bed with men/women who just want to add another name to their roster, or in the company of individuals. who need someone as an alibi, or personal ATM.
If you care about yourself you won't find yourself with a house full of children, and no child support. Men will select good women who take great pride in themselves, their homes and careers.
Surrounding yourself with people who like yourself are motivated and responsible. Individuals who are discreet with morals and standards, people who will not just look the other way, but will avoid being in a bad situation all together.
How many different ways can you say you go through life in the safety zone? You do what your supposed to do, including taking the time to safeguard your life and all that's important to you.
Having self esteem means being responsible enough to look past the beautiful face or the kind words. If you are a kind and considerate person, you will be the subject of many a weak minded persons who are drawn to your strength, and glowing power stream. It is up to you to protect yourself.
Many people mistake self esteem, for arrogance and self confidence. Well, as far as I'm concerned that's okay. It keeps the vultures away, they may fly by, but they won't usually stop, because they know they'll be shooed away. Keep it simple but keep it real. You will not have a problem with predators seeking you out, if you keep your guard up. As long as you ask questions, you won't have any drama in your life. But as soon as you stop wondering why, or how things will happen, is when the problems may start trinkling in.
Once you make up your mind to follow through on your dreams, focus on what you want and who you want in your life, and visualize how you want you life to be patterned, only good things will happen for you.
And the most important part of this journey is to understand and take hold of self esteem. Don't buckle under stress to do things you don't want to do. Know how to distance yourself from individuals who are heading to hell with a one way ticket. Don't be afraid of being rejected because you don't want to roll with them, into their dsyfunctional lives.
Maintain your principles, and never be afraid to say no, try not to say I'll think about it, when it pertains to relationships or romance. Know what you want, and don't be weak, and say maybe, you'll regret it.
One thing you can work on, is how to reject someone nicely, the it's not you, it's me, is a good way to go. Work that angle. But always remember when you have self worth you have options. And finally how we portray ourselves is usually what we attract, if you feel good about yourself, you'll only attract good.
Research before Romance-Followers by: T. L. Moss
The Follower, is another type to avoid. They have self esteem issues, and like the pleaser they need attention, and approval, and unforunately they need this from people who don't deserve it.
They usually aren't the one's that jump and run for anyone who calls, all the time, but the company they keep is usually.....foul. The people are not the kind of company you want to leave in your home unsupervised. Or the kind of people you want to know, that you're out of town.
A big story in my hometown was about the shooting of a young man. One night, I don't know if he knew
his childhood 'friends' were going to rob someone, but he was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong people. After robbing the man, the group left town, the young man didn't. He was shot dead at a local bar. Revenge for a robbery he wasn't a part of.
The fact that he wasn't a part of the robbery, was revealed nearly 15 years after his death.
Recalling a story I read over 10 years ago, while living in California comes to mind, when I thought about this article. A young husband and father was at home with his wife and new born son. A friend who had been thrown out of a local bar, knocked on the door. He wanted revenge on the bouncer. The young father, left his wife and son, and followed the friend to the bar.The guy shot and killed the bouncer, and the friend who followed, was sentenced to life in prison, the killer was given the death sentence.
Again another extreme story, but one that gets to the point. If your dating someone who has associates that do things that could cause problems in your life, then you may wish to rethink the relationship. It's just not worth the drama that will keep your world turned upside down.
A follower can't just change this behavior, even after being taken advantage of by their so called friends time and time again. You'll be constantly giving him/her an alternative, it's either them or me. Then you'll find yourself sitting in the badguy box, with a significant other who's resenting you for making them choose between his friends and you.
A recent story in the newspaper, made my blood crawl. A guy unhappy with a half finished tattoo, decides to get revenge on the artist. He gets 3 of his 'friends' to go with him to the man's house. They were charged with home invasion, robbery, and rape. So, 3 men's lives are totally destroyed, because their friend was upset over an unfinished tattoo.
Then there's the story of the guy at the barber shop, he doesn't like the way the stranger looked at him. He gets on the phone and calls a couple of buddies, who come into the barber shop blasting. What they didn't know was the man who returned their friends 'look' was carrying a gun. He shot and killed one of the guys, and the 'friend' who initiated the shootout------ran. And at the time of the story, law enforcement were still looking for him.
The young man who returned the 'look' wasn't charged. It was self defense.
Real friends don't bring people they care about,into situations that could cost them their freedom or their lives.
The conclusion of the story, you may be at the losing end of this game. More than not, the follower will choose his friends, regardless of the consequences.
Followers are usually very inmature, their little minds are underdevelopered, and they tend to just not 'get it'.You'll forever be disappointed, frustrated, and eventually unhappy that you've decided to put a puzzle together, that doesn't have all the pieces.
Research before Romance-Pleasers by: T. L. Moss
A pleaser is a joy to be around, but not if they're your significant other. As a giver myself, I've become selective with, who get's my attention, or anything else of value. Over the years, I quietly have found this type of personality, how do I say this without sounding nasty, ahhhh irritating.
Okay, the first couple of weeks it's nice, by the third week, it's okay, and by day 30 the deadline, it's a little much. Sure let me repeat myself, it's wonderful to be adored, and catered too, but when they have to please everybody, it's a big red flag.
Because he was such a sweetheart, he was targeted by alot of takers, and this is what bugged me. He'd jump up to do a favor for anyone who asked, day or night. They'd borrow his car, his clothes, money, credit cards, but when his time wasn't his own anymore, I'd had enough.
It was too important that he be liked, accepted. His family were the worst takers. They took advantage like no one else. He was always there when they called, the beeper, the cellular, the landline, at work, at home, at the gym, it never ended.But what was so sad about his adventures as a gofer, was that he was never appreciated. I rarely heard anyone say thank-you, nor did I see anyone return a favor.
One night he was stranded, the friend that borrowed his car, failed to pick him up from work. He couldn't get anyone in his family to come get him, or any of the people who regularly borrowed from him. He told me the reason he didn't call me, was because he didn't want to hear a 'I told you so speech'.
I finally told him I'd had enough, I really cared about him, and actually didn't bother with the it's not you, it's me speech, because this was one time this speech didn't apply.
When I ran into him years later, he told me that he had been taking care of his parents, and not surprising, his siblings didn't help. He did get married, but it didn't last, she filed for divorce. He gave her half of everything, because he didn't do a prenup before they married. They only had been married for 2 years.
He had married a taker, she didn't earn half of his home or his belongings, but she got it.
If you know your significant other is being taken advantage of, you can do one of two things. Be the never ending enforcer and fight off the takers day and night. You'll find yourself the bad guy/girl, and eventually he/she will go behind your back to do for everyone you're trying to get rid of. Or you can just sit back and let him/her be taken advantage of and not say anything. There's really not a grey area when it comes to dealing with a 'pleaser'.
But, if you meet one, and you're a taker, you've hit the jack pot! But if you are a giver with boundaries, you'll really need to step back and away, unless of course you want to be in an unhappy world of phone calls day and night, and excuses from your significant other night and day. It's just not worth it, they live in a world of smiles, and loving to do for others. You won't be their first priority.
Research before Romance Treating Others the way you want to be treated
I don't know where I'm going with this conversation, but it touches hearts, souls, and thoughts. I've observed some of the mentioned, and they were immediate turnoffs.
There's something to be said about individuals who don't care what they do to other people. It's about principles, values, morals, and doing the right thing.
I've stopped seeing men because they were mean to the waiters, I'm sure they thought they were impressing the people around them. Unnecessary rudeness, is not a turnon, unless both of you are meanspiriteded people.
Short changing the cashier, he got more change than he was supposed to, and didn't return it. I thought this was rude, since the young girl at the register, probably had to repay the money he kept.
Another individual found a wallet, emptied it of the cash, and threw away the identification inside. This person was with a friend girl of mine, we were double dating that evening.I've lost my purse, and was devastated. Replacing my identification, took a long time, and I was inconvenienced. I retrieved the wallet contents, and mailed it too the owner. I also, watched my purse, whenever that person was around.
Someone who thinks there's nothing wrong with hosting a married man/woman's liason at their home. Or, worst yet has no problem being an alibi. This is someone who shouldn't be trusted, ever.
Individuals who claim to be 'christians' they attend church, say they practice the word of God, but walk a different walk. I tend to distance myself from these types of liars, I don't claim to be a saint, but I do know when to avoid someone who has shown they don't walk or talk on the right path.
Dating individuals who say racist things and admit to being uncomfortable around people of different races. A big turnoff. You want to say "what are you saying?" or "why are you saying that?"
He/she is smiling in your face, and behind your back are repeating terrible things. If you witness an individual doing this, it's a red flag. It's a nasty character flaw, that is described as acceptable behavior in today's society, be polite, to someone's face, and talk about them behind their back.
I was with an individual when we witnessed a car accident, he didn't want to call the police, nor did he want me to use my cellular to call the police. "Let someone else get involved, it's really none of our business" He didn't want to pull over and help either.
Your significant other is caught cheating, not with a complete stranger, but with a relative, of yours.
And then there's the tip taker, I was shocked when I saw my friends date, go back to the table and take the tip. When my friend confronted this guy about what he had done, he shrugged it off, like it was no big deal.
In another situation, I was grocery shopping with a guy I was dating. To speed things up, I got a cart and went one way, he got a cart and went the other. We met in the middle. Well, in the canned goods aisle, he decided that he didn't want this and that, okay, He was prepared to just put them on the shelves with the canned goods. But I started, they don't belong there, he didn't care, "it's someone's job to return them to their original aisles, he said" let's go. I knew then, he was going to get on my nerves.
And I was right. "Let's go" is a no, no first off, and leaving things where they don't belong, and creating more work for people who all ready have enough to do, was rude.
So this article was prepared for those who do think of others, whether it's in the grocery store, restaurant, or at the corner gas station, if you're with someone who's constantly doing things that inconvenience other people, or just plain rude, you've got to think, is this the kind of person I want to spend time with?
People are who they are, and if the way they act (see all the mentions above) doesn't bother you, then it's not a bad thing, you've probably found your mate for life. However, deep down,you know this kind of person, would not be a good role model for a child. And think about this, if he/she is rude and inconsiderate to other's, they may one day turn on you too.
But, as I've said before, this is just conversation, and it is your final decision, and I hope it's to move on.
Research before Romance-Self Esteem
Always Bitter
Sister Always needs to be in a Relationship
Healthy Self Esteem
Low Self Esteem
Changing Hair Color Signals Problems
Body Image
Self Esteem (Question & Answer)
Father Belittles his Children
Father's Put Downs
Mom Rejects 13 year Old Son
Dear Carolyn:
What's the best way to deal with someone who's chronically bitter, of the I'm not rich/smart/good-looking enough, don't have a nice enough house/car/job variety? Reminding them of all the things they do have to grateful for has backfired. D.C.
Naturally. And with those reminders that "backfired" you did what the embittered person wanted most: You completed the circuit of victimhood. So you deal with someone bitter, someone stuck on the big and bad world part, with: "OK.. What are you going to do about it?"
Dear Deanna!
I’m worried about my sister because she is the type of woman that has to be in a relationship.
She recently ended a six-year romance and after two weeks, is already getting serious about someone new. I think she needs to clear her head and realize she is on the rebound.
She has already told this man she loves him and I want her to slow down. What can I say to her in order to spare her feelings but still get my message across? Anonymous
Dear Anonymous:
It’s good that you’re concerned because this is your sister and you love her. If she’s not being hurt and there aren’t any foul signs of abuse or cheating from this man, you should wait and see what happens.
However, it’s too early to see his true character and as an experienced dater, your sister should see the signs when they appear.
Share your honest feelings with her about slowing down and let her know she has your full support if things don’t work out.
Where does healthy self-esteem originate?
Healthy self-esteem originates in the environment found in the : family, school, peer group, work place, and community.
For healthy self-esteem, individuals need to receive nurturing from the people in their environment, to include:
Unconditional warmth, love, and caring; to realize that other people recognize them as deserving to be nurtured, reinforced, rewarded, and bonded to. The environment transmits messages of warmth, loving, and caring by physical touch, meeting the survival needs of food, clothing and shelter, and providing a sense of stability and order in life.
Acceptance for who they are; to recognize that other people see them as worthy individuals who have a unique set of personality characteristics, skills, abilities, and competencies making them special. Acceptance helps individuals recognize that differences among and between people are OK, and this encourages the development of a sense of personal mastery and autonomy. Acceptance enables people to develop relationships with others, yet maintain healthy boundaries of individuality within themselves.
Good communication; being listened to and responded to in a healthy way so that healthy problem solving is possible. Appropriate giving and receiving of feedback is encouraged and rewarded. Communicating at a “feelings” level is a mode of operation for these people, allowing them to be in touch with their emotions in a productive manner.
Persons with low self-esteem:
Consider themselves lost, unworthy, of being cared for.
Are poor risk takers.
Operate out of a fear of rejection
Are typically unassertive in their behavior with others.
Are fearful of conflict with others.
Are poor problem solvers.
Are fraught with irrational beliefs and have a tendency to think irrationally.
Are susceptible to all kinds of fears.
Have a tendency to become emotionally stuck and immobilized.
Have a poor track record in school or on the job; conversely, they sometimes over compensate and become over-achievers.
Are unable to affirm or to reinforce themselves positively.
Are unable to make an honest assessment of their strengths, qualities, and good points; they find it difficult to accept compliments or recognition from others.
Have poorly defined self identities with a tendency to be chameleons in order to fit in with others.
Are insecure, anxious, and nervous when they are with others.
Often become overcome with anger about their status in life and are likely to have chronic hostility or chronic depression.
Are easily overcome with despair and depression when they experience a setback or loss in their lives.
Have a tendency to overreact and become de-energized by resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge against those whom they believe have not fully accepted them.
Fulfill roles in their families of origin that are counter productive and maladaptive. These roles carry over into their adult lives.
Are vulnerable to mental health problems and have a propensity to use addictive behavior to medicate their hurt and pain. Such addictive behavior can include alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, shopping, smoking, workaholics, or the search for excitement, truth, wisdom, and a guru with an easy guide to the achievement of happiness.
Wife's Changing Hair Color Signals Problem
Dear Carolyn:
My wife is going through a weird phase of experimenting with her hair. We're talking seven or eight colors and styles since New Year's. It's getting a little annoying having to get used to a new look every few weeks. Frankly, I like her normal color and style (curly, brown). I told her that after the third or fourth dye, and she cried. Should I just let this one go? I really, really don't like the current bright red. Wifeswap USA
She doesn't like it, either, if that helps.
The crying says it's more than cuticle deep, so let this and all colors go. When she recoils from a compliment (that you like her natural style), that suggests there's no right answer on the state of her hair.
Except, of course, caring about her state of mind instead. How is she? Has she always been self-conscous? Whither the turmoil? To find out, make yourself a warm place for her to go. It's neither a perfect nor guaranteed remedy, but you both fare better if she can find refuge in you.
Dear Ann Landers:
I wonder if you fully realize how women are being sabotaged by the advertising establishment, which tells us we are nothing unless our bodies are perfect.
We are living in a society in which women are being brainwashed to feel imperfect. And why? Because it’s a booming business. Americans spend $33 billion year on the diet industry.
Women have chosen to place importance on their weight and looks because they have been taught that if they look better, they will be more lovable and have more fun.
I was bulimic. After seeing a very good counselor, I realized that I’d chosen to give an insane amount of power to those extra 10 pounds on my body. I know now that my life and my problems are the same whether I’m 10 pounds overweight or 10 pounds underweight.
I bought into the myth that said my life would be better if I weighed less, and I purchased all the diet “products”. Well, I choose differently now. I hope that the millions of women with eating disorders stop to realize that they do have a choice.C.C. Littleton, Colorado
Dear Littleton:
You’ve written one of the most sensible letters on this subject of weight that I have read in a very long time. Thank you for this wonderfully sane and convincing contribution to my readers.
Q: My friends worry about my low self esteem. To me, it's no big deal. Long ago, I accepted the fact that, be it work, sports, or even simple conversation, someone else can do it better. What gets me is why it matters so much to others if I think I'm a loser? Worthless
A: Dear Worthless:
Because no one believes you, and neither do I. You sound miserably depressed---so depressed that you don't even care about feeling like dirt. This is no way to live. Your friends want to help. Tear down the wall of bravado and let someone in.
Dear Ann Landers:
I realize it would be a miracle if this letter made the paper, but I’m going to write it anyway. Getting this off my chest and having someone listen will make me feel better.
The problem is my husband. The way he treats our children makes me sick. I call it child abuse. He says I am crazy. Will you please tell me what you call it?
He never says one word to our teenagers three of them (15, 16, and 18) unless it’s to tell them how dumb, useless and ugly they are. It seems they can’t do anything right. His constant belittling has hit one of our children so hard she has become withdrawn and afraid to open her mouth. I’m worried sick about her. Her father has made her feel like a fat slob-completely worthless.
He tells her every day that she is ugly, stupid and clumsy. She believes him. The girl cries a lot and keeps her feelings to herself. She refuses to talk to me about her problems although I have tried to open the lines of communication.
Our children have no respect or affection whatsoever for their father. In fact, I’m sure they hate him. If one of the kids makes a mistake, he never lets up until the child is in teats. I call this emotional child abuse. He says there is no such thing. He claims abuse means physical beating. Is there such a thing as emotional child abuse? I leave it to you. Kalamazoo Reader
Dear Kal:
You bet there is such a thing as emotional abuse. Another term is mental cruelty.
Your husband sounds like a bully. He was probably belittled and emotionally battered by his father. The only way to break this vicious cycle is through counseling. Your family doctor or clergyman should speak to him (privately) and explain what he is doing to his children. Another problem is your relationship with him. I suspect you are at odds with one another a good bit of the time and the kids have been the battleground. Family counseling would be ideal…with everyone involved, speaking his piece and laying his feelings on the line.
I hope you can get someone to intervene on behalf of the children and make your husband see what he is doing to their lives-and yours. Everyone would profit.
Father's put-downs hide his insecurity
Dear Carolyn:
My father constantly puts me down, tells me how much he had accomplished when he was my age, and is constantly talking about how much smarter he is than everyone else (particularly me and my sister). Any ideas on how to deal with this? Washington
People who feel smart and accomplished do not feel the need to tell people how smart and accomplished they are. Your father is disappointed in himself, not you. It's not just an old story, it's a classic.
It's also a truth that gets easier to see the farther away you get. Your father's behavior is emotional abuse, and your ability to see it for yourself will depend on your ability to step back from it. You can get there with the help of a reputabel pro, or, if you're able, just by letting yourself see your dad for the coward he truly is. That's the first step to seeing yourself with your own eyes, not his.
Dear Annie:
This is for "Melancholy in Massachusetts," whose wife has rejected their 13 year old son.
When my daughter was younger, I treated her very unfairly. As a result, she suffered from low self esttem and depression and is still battling it. At the time, I had hypothyroidism and was perimenopausal and depressed, but refused help. Now I wish I could get those years back. Every day, I try to undo the damage I did to my child. I beg this mother to wake up before it is too late. Get help and you will enjoy life, too. Praying for Them
Research before Romance-Self Esteem
Always Bitter
Sister Always needs to be in a Relationship
Healthy Self Esteem
Low Self Esteem
Changing Hair Color Signals Problems
Body Image
Self Esteem (Question & Answer)
Father Belittles his Children
Father's Put Downs
Mom Rejects 13 year Old Son
Dear Carolyn:
What's the best way to deal with someone who's chronically bitter, of the I'm not rich/smart/good-looking enough, don't have a nice enough house/car/job variety? Reminding them of all the things they do have to grateful for has backfired. D.C.
Naturally. And with those reminders that "backfired" you did what the embittered person wanted most: You completed the circuit of victimhood. So you deal with someone bitter, someone stuck on the big and bad world part, with: "OK.. What are you going to do about it?"
Dear Deanna!
I’m worried about my sister because she is the type of woman that has to be in a relationship.
She recently ended a six-year romance and after two weeks, is already getting serious about someone new. I think she needs to clear her head and realize she is on the rebound.
She has already told this man she loves him and I want her to slow down. What can I say to her in order to spare her feelings but still get my message across? Anonymous
Dear Anonymous:
It’s good that you’re concerned because this is your sister and you love her. If she’s not being hurt and there aren’t any foul signs of abuse or cheating from this man, you should wait and see what happens.
However, it’s too early to see his true character and as an experienced dater, your sister should see the signs when they appear.
Share your honest feelings with her about slowing down and let her know she has your full support if things don’t work out.
Where does healthy self-esteem originate?
Healthy self-esteem originates in the environment found in the : family, school, peer group, work place, and community.
For healthy self-esteem, individuals need to receive nurturing from the people in their environment, to include:
Unconditional warmth, love, and caring; to realize that other people recognize them as deserving to be nurtured, reinforced, rewarded, and bonded to. The environment transmits messages of warmth, loving, and caring by physical touch, meeting the survival needs of food, clothing and shelter, and providing a sense of stability and order in life.
Acceptance for who they are; to recognize that other people see them as worthy individuals who have a unique set of personality characteristics, skills, abilities, and competencies making them special. Acceptance helps individuals recognize that differences among and between people are OK, and this encourages the development of a sense of personal mastery and autonomy. Acceptance enables people to develop relationships with others, yet maintain healthy boundaries of individuality within themselves.
Good communication; being listened to and responded to in a healthy way so that healthy problem solving is possible. Appropriate giving and receiving of feedback is encouraged and rewarded. Communicating at a “feelings” level is a mode of operation for these people, allowing them to be in touch with their emotions in a productive manner.
Persons with low self-esteem:
Consider themselves lost, unworthy, of being cared for.
Are poor risk takers.
Operate out of a fear of rejection
Are typically unassertive in their behavior with others.
Are fearful of conflict with others.
Are poor problem solvers.
Are fraught with irrational beliefs and have a tendency to think irrationally.
Are susceptible to all kinds of fears.
Have a tendency to become emotionally stuck and immobilized.
Have a poor track record in school or on the job; conversely, they sometimes over compensate and become over-achievers.
Are unable to affirm or to reinforce themselves positively.
Are unable to make an honest assessment of their strengths, qualities, and good points; they find it difficult to accept compliments or recognition from others.
Have poorly defined self identities with a tendency to be chameleons in order to fit in with others.
Are insecure, anxious, and nervous when they are with others.
Often become overcome with anger about their status in life and are likely to have chronic hostility or chronic depression.
Are easily overcome with despair and depression when they experience a setback or loss in their lives.
Have a tendency to overreact and become de-energized by resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge against those whom they believe have not fully accepted them.
Fulfill roles in their families of origin that are counter productive and maladaptive. These roles carry over into their adult lives.
Are vulnerable to mental health problems and have a propensity to use addictive behavior to medicate their hurt and pain. Such addictive behavior can include alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, shopping, smoking, workaholics, or the search for excitement, truth, wisdom, and a guru with an easy guide to the achievement of happiness.
Wife's Changing Hair Color Signals Problem
Dear Carolyn:
My wife is going through a weird phase of experimenting with her hair. We're talking seven or eight colors and styles since New Year's. It's getting a little annoying having to get used to a new look every few weeks. Frankly, I like her normal color and style (curly, brown). I told her that after the third or fourth dye, and she cried. Should I just let this one go? I really, really don't like the current bright red. Wifeswap USA
She doesn't like it, either, if that helps.
The crying says it's more than cuticle deep, so let this and all colors go. When she recoils from a compliment (that you like her natural style), that suggests there's no right answer on the state of her hair.
Except, of course, caring about her state of mind instead. How is she? Has she always been self-conscous? Whither the turmoil? To find out, make yourself a warm place for her to go. It's neither a perfect nor guaranteed remedy, but you both fare better if she can find refuge in you.
Dear Ann Landers:
I wonder if you fully realize how women are being sabotaged by the advertising establishment, which tells us we are nothing unless our bodies are perfect.
We are living in a society in which women are being brainwashed to feel imperfect. And why? Because it’s a booming business. Americans spend $33 billion year on the diet industry.
Women have chosen to place importance on their weight and looks because they have been taught that if they look better, they will be more lovable and have more fun.
I was bulimic. After seeing a very good counselor, I realized that I’d chosen to give an insane amount of power to those extra 10 pounds on my body. I know now that my life and my problems are the same whether I’m 10 pounds overweight or 10 pounds underweight.
I bought into the myth that said my life would be better if I weighed less, and I purchased all the diet “products”. Well, I choose differently now. I hope that the millions of women with eating disorders stop to realize that they do have a choice.C.C. Littleton, Colorado
Dear Littleton:
You’ve written one of the most sensible letters on this subject of weight that I have read in a very long time. Thank you for this wonderfully sane and convincing contribution to my readers.
Q: My friends worry about my low self esteem. To me, it's no big deal. Long ago, I accepted the fact that, be it work, sports, or even simple conversation, someone else can do it better. What gets me is why it matters so much to others if I think I'm a loser? Worthless
A: Dear Worthless:
Because no one believes you, and neither do I. You sound miserably depressed---so depressed that you don't even care about feeling like dirt. This is no way to live. Your friends want to help. Tear down the wall of bravado and let someone in.
Dear Ann Landers:
I realize it would be a miracle if this letter made the paper, but I’m going to write it anyway. Getting this off my chest and having someone listen will make me feel better.
The problem is my husband. The way he treats our children makes me sick. I call it child abuse. He says I am crazy. Will you please tell me what you call it?
He never says one word to our teenagers three of them (15, 16, and 18) unless it’s to tell them how dumb, useless and ugly they are. It seems they can’t do anything right. His constant belittling has hit one of our children so hard she has become withdrawn and afraid to open her mouth. I’m worried sick about her. Her father has made her feel like a fat slob-completely worthless.
He tells her every day that she is ugly, stupid and clumsy. She believes him. The girl cries a lot and keeps her feelings to herself. She refuses to talk to me about her problems although I have tried to open the lines of communication.
Our children have no respect or affection whatsoever for their father. In fact, I’m sure they hate him. If one of the kids makes a mistake, he never lets up until the child is in teats. I call this emotional child abuse. He says there is no such thing. He claims abuse means physical beating. Is there such a thing as emotional child abuse? I leave it to you. Kalamazoo Reader
Dear Kal:
You bet there is such a thing as emotional abuse. Another term is mental cruelty.
Your husband sounds like a bully. He was probably belittled and emotionally battered by his father. The only way to break this vicious cycle is through counseling. Your family doctor or clergyman should speak to him (privately) and explain what he is doing to his children. Another problem is your relationship with him. I suspect you are at odds with one another a good bit of the time and the kids have been the battleground. Family counseling would be ideal…with everyone involved, speaking his piece and laying his feelings on the line.
I hope you can get someone to intervene on behalf of the children and make your husband see what he is doing to their lives-and yours. Everyone would profit.
Father's put-downs hide his insecurity
Dear Carolyn:
My father constantly puts me down, tells me how much he had accomplished when he was my age, and is constantly talking about how much smarter he is than everyone else (particularly me and my sister). Any ideas on how to deal with this? Washington
People who feel smart and accomplished do not feel the need to tell people how smart and accomplished they are. Your father is disappointed in himself, not you. It's not just an old story, it's a classic.
It's also a truth that gets easier to see the farther away you get. Your father's behavior is emotional abuse, and your ability to see it for yourself will depend on your ability to step back from it. You can get there with the help of a reputabel pro, or, if you're able, just by letting yourself see your dad for the coward he truly is. That's the first step to seeing yourself with your own eyes, not his.
Dear Annie:
This is for "Melancholy in Massachusetts," whose wife has rejected their 13 year old son.
When my daughter was younger, I treated her very unfairly. As a result, she suffered from low self esttem and depression and is still battling it. At the time, I had hypothyroidism and was perimenopausal and depressed, but refused help. Now I wish I could get those years back. Every day, I try to undo the damage I did to my child. I beg this mother to wake up before it is too late. Get help and you will enjoy life, too. Praying for Them
Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today
Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611
Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com
Article: Self Esteem
Article: Followers
Article: Pleasers
Article: Treatment of Others
Chapter from Research before Romance
Research before Romance-Self Esteem by: T. L. Moss
Having self esteem will protect you from having your heart broken. You will find yourself being selective, and associating yourself with people like yourself, who are sensitive and care about the feelings of others.
You won't find yourself in drama filled environments, in bed with men/women who just want to add another name to their roster, or in the company of individuals. who need someone as an alibi, or personal ATM.
If you care about yourself you won't find yourself with a house full of children, and no child support. Men will select good women who take great pride in themselves, their homes and careers.
Surrounding yourself with people who like yourself are motivated and responsible. Individuals who are discreet with morals and standards, people who will not just look the other way, but will avoid being in a bad situation all together.
How many different ways can you say you go through life in the safety zone? You do what your supposed to do, including taking the time to safeguard your life and all that's important to you.
Having self esteem means being responsible enough to look past the beautiful face or the kind words. If you are a kind and considerate person, you will be the subject of many a weak minded persons who are drawn to your strength, and glowing power stream. It is up to you to protect yourself.
Many people mistake self esteem, for arrogance and self confidence. Well, as far as I'm concerned that's okay. It keeps the vultures away, they may fly by, but they won't usually stop, because they know they'll be shooed away. Keep it simple but keep it real. You will not have a problem with predators seeking you out, if you keep your guard up. As long as you ask questions, you won't have any drama in your life. But as soon as you stop wondering why, or how things will happen, is when the problems may start trinkling in.
Once you make up your mind to follow through on your dreams, focus on what you want and who you want in your life, and visualize how you want you life to be patterned, only good things will happen for you.
And the most important part of this journey is to understand and take hold of self esteem. Don't buckle under stress to do things you don't want to do. Know how to distance yourself from individuals who are heading to hell with a one way ticket. Don't be afraid of being rejected because you don't want to roll with them, into their dsyfunctional lives.
Maintain your principles, and never be afraid to say no, try not to say I'll think about it, when it pertains to relationships or romance. Know what you want, and don't be weak, and say maybe, you'll regret it.
One thing you can work on, is how to reject someone nicely, the it's not you, it's me, is a good way to go. Work that angle. But always remember when you have self worth you have options. And finally how we portray ourselves is usually what we attract, if you feel good about yourself, you'll only attract good.
Research before Romance-Followers by: T. L. Moss
The Follower, is another type to avoid. They have self esteem issues, and like the pleaser they need attention, and approval, and unforunately they need this from people who don't deserve it.
They usually aren't the one's that jump and run for anyone who calls, all the time, but the company they keep is usually.....foul. The people are not the kind of company you want to leave in your home unsupervised. Or the kind of people you want to know, that you're out of town.
A big story in my hometown was about the shooting of a young man. One night, I don't know if he knew
his childhood 'friends' were going to rob someone, but he was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong people. After robbing the man, the group left town, the young man didn't. He was shot dead at a local bar. Revenge for a robbery he wasn't a part of.
The fact that he wasn't a part of the robbery, was revealed nearly 15 years after his death.
Recalling a story I read over 10 years ago, while living in California comes to mind, when I thought about this article. A young husband and father was at home with his wife and new born son. A friend who had been thrown out of a local bar, knocked on the door. He wanted revenge on the bouncer. The young father, left his wife and son, and followed the friend to the bar.The guy shot and killed the bouncer, and the friend who followed, was sentenced to life in prison, the killer was given the death sentence.
Again another extreme story, but one that gets to the point. If your dating someone who has associates that do things that could cause problems in your life, then you may wish to rethink the relationship. It's just not worth the drama that will keep your world turned upside down.
A follower can't just change this behavior, even after being taken advantage of by their so called friends time and time again. You'll be constantly giving him/her an alternative, it's either them or me. Then you'll find yourself sitting in the badguy box, with a significant other who's resenting you for making them choose between his friends and you.
A recent story in the newspaper, made my blood crawl. A guy unhappy with a half finished tattoo, decides to get revenge on the artist. He gets 3 of his 'friends' to go with him to the man's house. They were charged with home invasion, robbery, and rape. So, 3 men's lives are totally destroyed, because their friend was upset over an unfinished tattoo.
Then there's the story of the guy at the barber shop, he doesn't like the way the stranger looked at him. He gets on the phone and calls a couple of buddies, who come into the barber shop blasting. What they didn't know was the man who returned their friends 'look' was carrying a gun. He shot and killed one of the guys, and the 'friend' who initiated the shootout------ran. And at the time of the story, law enforcement were still looking for him.
The young man who returned the 'look' wasn't charged. It was self defense.
Real friends don't bring people they care about,into situations that could cost them their freedom or their lives.
The conclusion of the story, you may be at the losing end of this game. More than not, the follower will choose his friends, regardless of the consequences.
Followers are usually very inmature, their little minds are underdevelopered, and they tend to just not 'get it'.You'll forever be disappointed, frustrated, and eventually unhappy that you've decided to put a puzzle together, that doesn't have all the pieces.
Research before Romance-Pleasers by: T. L. Moss
A pleaser is a joy to be around, but not if they're your significant other. As a giver myself, I've become selective with, who get's my attention, or anything else of value. Over the years, I quietly have found this type of personality, how do I say this without sounding nasty, ahhhh irritating.
Okay, the first couple of weeks it's nice, by the third week, it's okay, and by day 30 the deadline, it's a little much. Sure let me repeat myself, it's wonderful to be adored, and catered too, but when they have to please everybody, it's a big red flag.
Because he was such a sweetheart, he was targeted by alot of takers, and this is what bugged me. He'd jump up to do a favor for anyone who asked, day or night. They'd borrow his car, his clothes, money, credit cards, but when his time wasn't his own anymore, I'd had enough.
It was too important that he be liked, accepted. His family were the worst takers. They took advantage like no one else. He was always there when they called, the beeper, the cellular, the landline, at work, at home, at the gym, it never ended.But what was so sad about his adventures as a gofer, was that he was never appreciated. I rarely heard anyone say thank-you, nor did I see anyone return a favor.
One night he was stranded, the friend that borrowed his car, failed to pick him up from work. He couldn't get anyone in his family to come get him, or any of the people who regularly borrowed from him. He told me the reason he didn't call me, was because he didn't want to hear a 'I told you so speech'.
I finally told him I'd had enough, I really cared about him, and actually didn't bother with the it's not you, it's me speech, because this was one time this speech didn't apply.
When I ran into him years later, he told me that he had been taking care of his parents, and not surprising, his siblings didn't help. He did get married, but it didn't last, she filed for divorce. He gave her half of everything, because he didn't do a prenup before they married. They only had been married for 2 years.
He had married a taker, she didn't earn half of his home or his belongings, but she got it.
If you know your significant other is being taken advantage of, you can do one of two things. Be the never ending enforcer and fight off the takers day and night. You'll find yourself the bad guy/girl, and eventually he/she will go behind your back to do for everyone you're trying to get rid of. Or you can just sit back and let him/her be taken advantage of and not say anything. There's really not a grey area when it comes to dealing with a 'pleaser'.
But, if you meet one, and you're a taker, you've hit the jack pot! But if you are a giver with boundaries, you'll really need to step back and away, unless of course you want to be in an unhappy world of phone calls day and night, and excuses from your significant other night and day. It's just not worth it, they live in a world of smiles, and loving to do for others. You won't be their first priority.
Research before Romance Treating Others the way you want to be treated
I don't know where I'm going with this conversation, but it touches hearts, souls, and thoughts. I've observed some of the mentioned, and they were immediate turnoffs.
There's something to be said about individuals who don't care what they do to other people. It's about principles, values, morals, and doing the right thing.
I've stopped seeing men because they were mean to the waiters, I'm sure they thought they were impressing the people around them. Unnecessary rudeness, is not a turnon, unless both of you are meanspiriteded people.
Short changing the cashier, he got more change than he was supposed to, and didn't return it. I thought this was rude, since the young girl at the register, probably had to repay the money he kept.
Another individual found a wallet, emptied it of the cash, and threw away the identification inside. This person was with a friend girl of mine, we were double dating that evening.I've lost my purse, and was devastated. Replacing my identification, took a long time, and I was inconvenienced. I retrieved the wallet contents, and mailed it too the owner. I also, watched my purse, whenever that person was around.
Someone who thinks there's nothing wrong with hosting a married man/woman's liason at their home. Or, worst yet has no problem being an alibi. This is someone who shouldn't be trusted, ever.
Individuals who claim to be 'christians' they attend church, say they practice the word of God, but walk a different walk. I tend to distance myself from these types of liars, I don't claim to be a saint, but I do know when to avoid someone who has shown they don't walk or talk on the right path.
Dating individuals who say racist things and admit to being uncomfortable around people of different races. A big turnoff. You want to say "what are you saying?" or "why are you saying that?"
He/she is smiling in your face, and behind your back are repeating terrible things. If you witness an individual doing this, it's a red flag. It's a nasty character flaw, that is described as acceptable behavior in today's society, be polite, to someone's face, and talk about them behind their back.
I was with an individual when we witnessed a car accident, he didn't want to call the police, nor did he want me to use my cellular to call the police. "Let someone else get involved, it's really none of our business" He didn't want to pull over and help either.
Your significant other is caught cheating, not with a complete stranger, but with a relative, of yours.
And then there's the tip taker, I was shocked when I saw my friends date, go back to the table and take the tip. When my friend confronted this guy about what he had done, he shrugged it off, like it was no big deal.
In another situation, I was grocery shopping with a guy I was dating. To speed things up, I got a cart and went one way, he got a cart and went the other. We met in the middle. Well, in the canned goods aisle, he decided that he didn't want this and that, okay, He was prepared to just put them on the shelves with the canned goods. But I started, they don't belong there, he didn't care, "it's someone's job to return them to their original aisles, he said" let's go. I knew then, he was going to get on my nerves.
And I was right. "Let's go" is a no, no first off, and leaving things where they don't belong, and creating more work for people who all ready have enough to do, was rude.
So this article was prepared for those who do think of others, whether it's in the grocery store, restaurant, or at the corner gas station, if you're with someone who's constantly doing things that inconvenience other people, or just plain rude, you've got to think, is this the kind of person I want to spend time with?
People are who they are, and if the way they act (see all the mentions above) doesn't bother you, then it's not a bad thing, you've probably found your mate for life. However, deep down,you know this kind of person, would not be a good role model for a child. And think about this, if he/she is rude and inconsiderate to other's, they may one day turn on you too.
But, as I've said before, this is just conversation, and it is your final decision, and I hope it's to move on.
Research before Romance-Self Esteem
Always Bitter
Sister Always needs to be in a Relationship
Healthy Self Esteem
Low Self Esteem
Changing Hair Color Signals Problems
Body Image
Self Esteem (Question & Answer)
Father Belittles his Children
Father's Put Downs
Mom Rejects 13 year Old Son
Dear Carolyn:
What's the best way to deal with someone who's chronically bitter, of the I'm not rich/smart/good-looking enough, don't have a nice enough house/car/job variety? Reminding them of all the things they do have to grateful for has backfired. D.C.
Naturally. And with those reminders that "backfired" you did what the embittered person wanted most: You completed the circuit of victimhood. So you deal with someone bitter, someone stuck on the big and bad world part, with: "OK.. What are you going to do about it?"
Dear Deanna!
I’m worried about my sister because she is the type of woman that has to be in a relationship.
She recently ended a six-year romance and after two weeks, is already getting serious about someone new. I think she needs to clear her head and realize she is on the rebound.
She has already told this man she loves him and I want her to slow down. What can I say to her in order to spare her feelings but still get my message across? Anonymous
Dear Anonymous:
It’s good that you’re concerned because this is your sister and you love her. If she’s not being hurt and there aren’t any foul signs of abuse or cheating from this man, you should wait and see what happens.
However, it’s too early to see his true character and as an experienced dater, your sister should see the signs when they appear.
Share your honest feelings with her about slowing down and let her know she has your full support if things don’t work out.
Where does healthy self-esteem originate?
Healthy self-esteem originates in the environment found in the : family, school, peer group, work place, and community.
For healthy self-esteem, individuals need to receive nurturing from the people in their environment, to include:
Unconditional warmth, love, and caring; to realize that other people recognize them as deserving to be nurtured, reinforced, rewarded, and bonded to. The environment transmits messages of warmth, loving, and caring by physical touch, meeting the survival needs of food, clothing and shelter, and providing a sense of stability and order in life.
Acceptance for who they are; to recognize that other people see them as worthy individuals who have a unique set of personality characteristics, skills, abilities, and competencies making them special. Acceptance helps individuals recognize that differences among and between people are OK, and this encourages the development of a sense of personal mastery and autonomy. Acceptance enables people to develop relationships with others, yet maintain healthy boundaries of individuality within themselves.
Good communication; being listened to and responded to in a healthy way so that healthy problem solving is possible. Appropriate giving and receiving of feedback is encouraged and rewarded. Communicating at a “feelings” level is a mode of operation for these people, allowing them to be in touch with their emotions in a productive manner.
Persons with low self-esteem:
Consider themselves lost, unworthy, of being cared for.
Are poor risk takers.
Operate out of a fear of rejection
Are typically unassertive in their behavior with others.
Are fearful of conflict with others.
Are poor problem solvers.
Are fraught with irrational beliefs and have a tendency to think irrationally.
Are susceptible to all kinds of fears.
Have a tendency to become emotionally stuck and immobilized.
Have a poor track record in school or on the job; conversely, they sometimes over compensate and become over-achievers.
Are unable to affirm or to reinforce themselves positively.
Are unable to make an honest assessment of their strengths, qualities, and good points; they find it difficult to accept compliments or recognition from others.
Have poorly defined self identities with a tendency to be chameleons in order to fit in with others.
Are insecure, anxious, and nervous when they are with others.
Often become overcome with anger about their status in life and are likely to have chronic hostility or chronic depression.
Are easily overcome with despair and depression when they experience a setback or loss in their lives.
Have a tendency to overreact and become de-energized by resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge against those whom they believe have not fully accepted them.
Fulfill roles in their families of origin that are counter productive and maladaptive. These roles carry over into their adult lives.
Are vulnerable to mental health problems and have a propensity to use addictive behavior to medicate their hurt and pain. Such addictive behavior can include alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, shopping, smoking, workaholics, or the search for excitement, truth, wisdom, and a guru with an easy guide to the achievement of happiness.
Wife's Changing Hair Color Signals Problem
Dear Carolyn:
My wife is going through a weird phase of experimenting with her hair. We're talking seven or eight colors and styles since New Year's. It's getting a little annoying having to get used to a new look every few weeks. Frankly, I like her normal color and style (curly, brown). I told her that after the third or fourth dye, and she cried. Should I just let this one go? I really, really don't like the current bright red. Wifeswap USA
She doesn't like it, either, if that helps.
The crying says it's more than cuticle deep, so let this and all colors go. When she recoils from a compliment (that you like her natural style), that suggests there's no right answer on the state of her hair.
Except, of course, caring about her state of mind instead. How is she? Has she always been self-conscous? Whither the turmoil? To find out, make yourself a warm place for her to go. It's neither a perfect nor guaranteed remedy, but you both fare better if she can find refuge in you.
Dear Ann Landers:
I wonder if you fully realize how women are being sabotaged by the advertising establishment, which tells us we are nothing unless our bodies are perfect.
We are living in a society in which women are being brainwashed to feel imperfect. And why? Because it’s a booming business. Americans spend $33 billion year on the diet industry.
Women have chosen to place importance on their weight and looks because they have been taught that if they look better, they will be more lovable and have more fun.
I was bulimic. After seeing a very good counselor, I realized that I’d chosen to give an insane amount of power to those extra 10 pounds on my body. I know now that my life and my problems are the same whether I’m 10 pounds overweight or 10 pounds underweight.
I bought into the myth that said my life would be better if I weighed less, and I purchased all the diet “products”. Well, I choose differently now. I hope that the millions of women with eating disorders stop to realize that they do have a choice.C.C. Littleton, Colorado
Dear Littleton:
You’ve written one of the most sensible letters on this subject of weight that I have read in a very long time. Thank you for this wonderfully sane and convincing contribution to my readers.
Q: My friends worry about my low self esteem. To me, it's no big deal. Long ago, I accepted the fact that, be it work, sports, or even simple conversation, someone else can do it better. What gets me is why it matters so much to others if I think I'm a loser? Worthless
A: Dear Worthless:
Because no one believes you, and neither do I. You sound miserably depressed---so depressed that you don't even care about feeling like dirt. This is no way to live. Your friends want to help. Tear down the wall of bravado and let someone in.
Dear Ann Landers:
I realize it would be a miracle if this letter made the paper, but I’m going to write it anyway. Getting this off my chest and having someone listen will make me feel better.
The problem is my husband. The way he treats our children makes me sick. I call it child abuse. He says I am crazy. Will you please tell me what you call it?
He never says one word to our teenagers three of them (15, 16, and 18) unless it’s to tell them how dumb, useless and ugly they are. It seems they can’t do anything right. His constant belittling has hit one of our children so hard she has become withdrawn and afraid to open her mouth. I’m worried sick about her. Her father has made her feel like a fat slob-completely worthless.
He tells her every day that she is ugly, stupid and clumsy. She believes him. The girl cries a lot and keeps her feelings to herself. She refuses to talk to me about her problems although I have tried to open the lines of communication.
Our children have no respect or affection whatsoever for their father. In fact, I’m sure they hate him. If one of the kids makes a mistake, he never lets up until the child is in teats. I call this emotional child abuse. He says there is no such thing. He claims abuse means physical beating. Is there such a thing as emotional child abuse? I leave it to you. Kalamazoo Reader
Dear Kal:
You bet there is such a thing as emotional abuse. Another term is mental cruelty.
Your husband sounds like a bully. He was probably belittled and emotionally battered by his father. The only way to break this vicious cycle is through counseling. Your family doctor or clergyman should speak to him (privately) and explain what he is doing to his children. Another problem is your relationship with him. I suspect you are at odds with one another a good bit of the time and the kids have been the battleground. Family counseling would be ideal…with everyone involved, speaking his piece and laying his feelings on the line.
I hope you can get someone to intervene on behalf of the children and make your husband see what he is doing to their lives-and yours. Everyone would profit.
Father's put-downs hide his insecurity
Dear Carolyn:
My father constantly puts me down, tells me how much he had accomplished when he was my age, and is constantly talking about how much smarter he is than everyone else (particularly me and my sister). Any ideas on how to deal with this? Washington
People who feel smart and accomplished do not feel the need to tell people how smart and accomplished they are. Your father is disappointed in himself, not you. It's not just an old story, it's a classic.
It's also a truth that gets easier to see the farther away you get. Your father's behavior is emotional abuse, and your ability to see it for yourself will depend on your ability to step back from it. You can get there with the help of a reputabel pro, or, if you're able, just by letting yourself see your dad for the coward he truly is. That's the first step to seeing yourself with your own eyes, not his.
Dear Annie:
This is for "Melancholy in Massachusetts," whose wife has rejected their 13 year old son.
When my daughter was younger, I treated her very unfairly. As a result, she suffered from low self esttem and depression and is still battling it. At the time, I had hypothyroidism and was perimenopausal and depressed, but refused help. Now I wish I could get those years back. Every day, I try to undo the damage I did to my child. I beg this mother to wake up before it is too late. Get help and you will enjoy life, too. Praying for Them
Research before Romance-Self Esteem
Always Bitter
Sister Always needs to be in a Relationship
Healthy Self Esteem
Low Self Esteem
Changing Hair Color Signals Problems
Body Image
Self Esteem (Question & Answer)
Father Belittles his Children
Father's Put Downs
Mom Rejects 13 year Old Son
Dear Carolyn:
What's the best way to deal with someone who's chronically bitter, of the I'm not rich/smart/good-looking enough, don't have a nice enough house/car/job variety? Reminding them of all the things they do have to grateful for has backfired. D.C.
Naturally. And with those reminders that "backfired" you did what the embittered person wanted most: You completed the circuit of victimhood. So you deal with someone bitter, someone stuck on the big and bad world part, with: "OK.. What are you going to do about it?"
Dear Deanna!
I’m worried about my sister because she is the type of woman that has to be in a relationship.
She recently ended a six-year romance and after two weeks, is already getting serious about someone new. I think she needs to clear her head and realize she is on the rebound.
She has already told this man she loves him and I want her to slow down. What can I say to her in order to spare her feelings but still get my message across? Anonymous
Dear Anonymous:
It’s good that you’re concerned because this is your sister and you love her. If she’s not being hurt and there aren’t any foul signs of abuse or cheating from this man, you should wait and see what happens.
However, it’s too early to see his true character and as an experienced dater, your sister should see the signs when they appear.
Share your honest feelings with her about slowing down and let her know she has your full support if things don’t work out.
Where does healthy self-esteem originate?
Healthy self-esteem originates in the environment found in the : family, school, peer group, work place, and community.
For healthy self-esteem, individuals need to receive nurturing from the people in their environment, to include:
Unconditional warmth, love, and caring; to realize that other people recognize them as deserving to be nurtured, reinforced, rewarded, and bonded to. The environment transmits messages of warmth, loving, and caring by physical touch, meeting the survival needs of food, clothing and shelter, and providing a sense of stability and order in life.
Acceptance for who they are; to recognize that other people see them as worthy individuals who have a unique set of personality characteristics, skills, abilities, and competencies making them special. Acceptance helps individuals recognize that differences among and between people are OK, and this encourages the development of a sense of personal mastery and autonomy. Acceptance enables people to develop relationships with others, yet maintain healthy boundaries of individuality within themselves.
Good communication; being listened to and responded to in a healthy way so that healthy problem solving is possible. Appropriate giving and receiving of feedback is encouraged and rewarded. Communicating at a “feelings” level is a mode of operation for these people, allowing them to be in touch with their emotions in a productive manner.
Persons with low self-esteem:
Consider themselves lost, unworthy, of being cared for.
Are poor risk takers.
Operate out of a fear of rejection
Are typically unassertive in their behavior with others.
Are fearful of conflict with others.
Are poor problem solvers.
Are fraught with irrational beliefs and have a tendency to think irrationally.
Are susceptible to all kinds of fears.
Have a tendency to become emotionally stuck and immobilized.
Have a poor track record in school or on the job; conversely, they sometimes over compensate and become over-achievers.
Are unable to affirm or to reinforce themselves positively.
Are unable to make an honest assessment of their strengths, qualities, and good points; they find it difficult to accept compliments or recognition from others.
Have poorly defined self identities with a tendency to be chameleons in order to fit in with others.
Are insecure, anxious, and nervous when they are with others.
Often become overcome with anger about their status in life and are likely to have chronic hostility or chronic depression.
Are easily overcome with despair and depression when they experience a setback or loss in their lives.
Have a tendency to overreact and become de-energized by resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge against those whom they believe have not fully accepted them.
Fulfill roles in their families of origin that are counter productive and maladaptive. These roles carry over into their adult lives.
Are vulnerable to mental health problems and have a propensity to use addictive behavior to medicate their hurt and pain. Such addictive behavior can include alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, shopping, smoking, workaholics, or the search for excitement, truth, wisdom, and a guru with an easy guide to the achievement of happiness.
Wife's Changing Hair Color Signals Problem
Dear Carolyn:
My wife is going through a weird phase of experimenting with her hair. We're talking seven or eight colors and styles since New Year's. It's getting a little annoying having to get used to a new look every few weeks. Frankly, I like her normal color and style (curly, brown). I told her that after the third or fourth dye, and she cried. Should I just let this one go? I really, really don't like the current bright red. Wifeswap USA
She doesn't like it, either, if that helps.
The crying says it's more than cuticle deep, so let this and all colors go. When she recoils from a compliment (that you like her natural style), that suggests there's no right answer on the state of her hair.
Except, of course, caring about her state of mind instead. How is she? Has she always been self-conscous? Whither the turmoil? To find out, make yourself a warm place for her to go. It's neither a perfect nor guaranteed remedy, but you both fare better if she can find refuge in you.
Dear Ann Landers:
I wonder if you fully realize how women are being sabotaged by the advertising establishment, which tells us we are nothing unless our bodies are perfect.
We are living in a society in which women are being brainwashed to feel imperfect. And why? Because it’s a booming business. Americans spend $33 billion year on the diet industry.
Women have chosen to place importance on their weight and looks because they have been taught that if they look better, they will be more lovable and have more fun.
I was bulimic. After seeing a very good counselor, I realized that I’d chosen to give an insane amount of power to those extra 10 pounds on my body. I know now that my life and my problems are the same whether I’m 10 pounds overweight or 10 pounds underweight.
I bought into the myth that said my life would be better if I weighed less, and I purchased all the diet “products”. Well, I choose differently now. I hope that the millions of women with eating disorders stop to realize that they do have a choice.C.C. Littleton, Colorado
Dear Littleton:
You’ve written one of the most sensible letters on this subject of weight that I have read in a very long time. Thank you for this wonderfully sane and convincing contribution to my readers.
Q: My friends worry about my low self esteem. To me, it's no big deal. Long ago, I accepted the fact that, be it work, sports, or even simple conversation, someone else can do it better. What gets me is why it matters so much to others if I think I'm a loser? Worthless
A: Dear Worthless:
Because no one believes you, and neither do I. You sound miserably depressed---so depressed that you don't even care about feeling like dirt. This is no way to live. Your friends want to help. Tear down the wall of bravado and let someone in.
Dear Ann Landers:
I realize it would be a miracle if this letter made the paper, but I’m going to write it anyway. Getting this off my chest and having someone listen will make me feel better.
The problem is my husband. The way he treats our children makes me sick. I call it child abuse. He says I am crazy. Will you please tell me what you call it?
He never says one word to our teenagers three of them (15, 16, and 18) unless it’s to tell them how dumb, useless and ugly they are. It seems they can’t do anything right. His constant belittling has hit one of our children so hard she has become withdrawn and afraid to open her mouth. I’m worried sick about her. Her father has made her feel like a fat slob-completely worthless.
He tells her every day that she is ugly, stupid and clumsy. She believes him. The girl cries a lot and keeps her feelings to herself. She refuses to talk to me about her problems although I have tried to open the lines of communication.
Our children have no respect or affection whatsoever for their father. In fact, I’m sure they hate him. If one of the kids makes a mistake, he never lets up until the child is in teats. I call this emotional child abuse. He says there is no such thing. He claims abuse means physical beating. Is there such a thing as emotional child abuse? I leave it to you. Kalamazoo Reader
Dear Kal:
You bet there is such a thing as emotional abuse. Another term is mental cruelty.
Your husband sounds like a bully. He was probably belittled and emotionally battered by his father. The only way to break this vicious cycle is through counseling. Your family doctor or clergyman should speak to him (privately) and explain what he is doing to his children. Another problem is your relationship with him. I suspect you are at odds with one another a good bit of the time and the kids have been the battleground. Family counseling would be ideal…with everyone involved, speaking his piece and laying his feelings on the line.
I hope you can get someone to intervene on behalf of the children and make your husband see what he is doing to their lives-and yours. Everyone would profit.
Father's put-downs hide his insecurity
Dear Carolyn:
My father constantly puts me down, tells me how much he had accomplished when he was my age, and is constantly talking about how much smarter he is than everyone else (particularly me and my sister). Any ideas on how to deal with this? Washington
People who feel smart and accomplished do not feel the need to tell people how smart and accomplished they are. Your father is disappointed in himself, not you. It's not just an old story, it's a classic.
It's also a truth that gets easier to see the farther away you get. Your father's behavior is emotional abuse, and your ability to see it for yourself will depend on your ability to step back from it. You can get there with the help of a reputabel pro, or, if you're able, just by letting yourself see your dad for the coward he truly is. That's the first step to seeing yourself with your own eyes, not his.
Dear Annie:
This is for "Melancholy in Massachusetts," whose wife has rejected their 13 year old son.
When my daughter was younger, I treated her very unfairly. As a result, she suffered from low self esttem and depression and is still battling it. At the time, I had hypothyroidism and was perimenopausal and depressed, but refused help. Now I wish I could get those years back. Every day, I try to undo the damage I did to my child. I beg this mother to wake up before it is too late. Get help and you will enjoy life, too. Praying for Them
Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today
Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611
Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com
Being Selective
Being Selective
Article: Being Selective
Chapter from Research before Romance (Being Selective)
Research before Romance- Being Selective by: T. L. Moss
One of my favorite chapters. Being selective can help you avoid being drawn into 'relationship drama'. Don't be forced into being with someone, who doesn't meet up to your standards. And if you don't have standards, get some.
Someone who isn't motivated to make money now, isn't going to change, Dumpem.
He/she wants to borrow money, or just always wants to spend your money, and never spend anything on you. Dumpem.
She/he can't cook, their living space is always a mess, and they collect everything! it'll only get worse. Dumpem.
Someone who talks to you in a way that makes your toes curl, not because it's a turn on, but because it angers you, Dumpem
If they haha joke around, and say something that upsets, insults, demeans, embarrasses you once, or twice, that's one time to many, Dumpem
You've found out the family is a drama troupe, the police know everybody by their first names, the grandmother has a police record, and the family dog has been in and out of the pound for disorderly conduct, Dumpem
You notice that the family's offspring crawl the walls, and this is a good day. Dumpem.
His/her former girl/boy friend left town as soon as they broke up, and can't be found. She/He has children that he/she isn't allowed to see, or can only see their children when there's supervision, there's a problem, Dumpem.
He/She lives at home with his family, or is sleeping on a friends couch, and have been there for a while,
and have hinted that they want to move in with you.Dumpem.
He/she works at a fast food restaurant and that's their only income, they aren't in college, or going to trade school, and although they've held the job for a while, they aren't in management, Dump em. They aren't motivated.
He/She doesn't have a drivers license and after some research you discover that he/she has a history of driving while drunk, and has totaled out several automobiles that didn't belong to him/her. Dumpem.
He/she keeps constant company with individuals who are known to do drugs, drink all day/all night, or go out every weekend to find women.Dumpem.
He/she refuses to educate themselves, and isn't supportive of your wanting more out of life. Dumpem
He/she is careless sexually, she may get pregnant to trap you, he insists you get pregnant. Dumpem.
You found that they have terrible credit, and it's due to their inability to get/keep a job, or because they have an addiction. Dumpem.
He/she would rather buy a big screen television, than pay the rent, or buy a car, then pay child support
Dumpem
He/she keeps secrets, and when you ask questions they become defensive, Dumpem.
She/he has numerous children by numerous individuals who are hostile towards them, he/she refuses to pay child support, the children are out of control with no manners, and you are already having problems with the ex. Dumpem
He/she doesn't communicate well, they tend to withdraw when they don't hear what they want to hear, they come from a world of yelling and screaming and don't want to talk about counseling. Dumpem.
She/he has shared that they have been sexually assaulted, physically abused as a child, neglected as a child, or grew up in a home where there was 24/7 drama, and don't think they need to get counseling Dumpem.
She/he is a risk taker, dodging around railroad crossing arms, driving recklessly, leaving loaded firearms around the house, leaving children in the car while he/she run errands. Dumpem.
He/she has made some crude remarks about your family, and suggests after you become a couple, you should move away. Dumpem.
He/she does inappropriate things to your children (pushes, spanking) hits or kicks your pet or suggests you get rid of the pet, or let your ex care for your children full-time. Dumpem.
He/she is constantly asking where your going, when your coming back, always texting, blowing up your cell phone, your answering machine/voicemail is packed with where are you messages. Your email contains several messages. Dumpem.
You are secretly embarrassed to take him/her out because of their manners, clothing choices, hygiene, inability to carry on a conversation without cursing, insensitive remarks (racist, sexist) Dumpem
You discover by accident that the person your with, can't read or write. This is a serious one. They will be dependent on you, for all the wrong reasons. Dumpem gently.
She/he has a criminal record that's recent. And they don't mind going to jail. Dumpem
He/she has poor nutrition habits, eating whatever is put in front of them. They are overweight, and don't like exercise. An overweight love interest could get to be expensive, and will have health problems in the future. Dumpem
I could apologize for some of these dumpem suggestions, but uhhh no. Some are a little extreme, but you might thank me later. Really, I wouldn't tell you anything, I wouldn't do myself.
Things happen, alot of what's been mentioned, can't be done after the first date. But dumping em before things get really serious is a must, otherwise you'll find yourself caught up in a relationship with an individual who will make your life miserable.
But I really want you to learn how to dumpem gracefully, remember, practice the it's me not you speech.
Repeat after me, you are wonderful, and I don't think I would be the right person for you. Whatever the conversation. Work your magic, but know this, if you decide to do this after you've spent too much time with an individual who doesn't let go easy, then you'll have a problem. That's why it's important to do what?
Research first.
Giving someone an ultimatum is a great thing but if the individual doesn't take it seriously, and becomes resentful because they think you're trying to change them, you may encounter some resistence. I vote to, yeah, Dumpem.
Research before Romance-Hoping for Change by: T. L. Moss
"Brandon" was the love of my life, until I came to the realization that he was a slob. I'd travel a total of 6 hours to visit him, only to find his apartment trashed. I'd clean it, because I like order, and not knowing where things were, or even where to put my overnight bag, bugged me.
He never washed dishes, nor did he bother to wipe his shaved whiskers out of the bathroom sink. He was always anxious to make love, but never took the time to change the sheets, or make his bed before I arrived.
Unopened paper plates on the coffeetable, can openers in the bathroom, and toilet paper on the kitchen counters. I couldn't understand how he could live that way, and still function. He worked fulltime, and attended law school at night. File folders scattered the apartment, and stuff was just everywhere. He always joked that if we got married, I could hire a housekeeper. No, if you'd just pick up after yourself, or at least put things where they were supposed to be, you wouldn't have to hire a housekeeper.
I just got to the point where I was tired of discussing it anymore. I knew this would be an ongoing argument, throughout our relationship, it was easy giving him the 'it's not you, it's me speech'. Why? because he knew it bothered me that his apartment was a mess, and he made no attempt to correct the problem.
As a collector of advice columns, I'm constantly reviewing articles from wives who have been married to men who don't dress to impress, nor do they have high marks in the hygiene department. These women have been bothered by this for over 30 years, and many are ready to walk out. They thought once they got married, they could 'change' the personal habits of their spouses, but it didn't happen, it only got worse.
Now, for table manners, or the lack of. Once you do the eating out date, either the person does or does not have them, it's pretty cut and dry. A person can't hide this 'flaw', yet once again, spouses complain that after 30 years of living with someone who talks with their mouth full of food, slurps, burps, farts, blows their nose at the table, and eats with their fingers, lacks table manners.
If this is something that bothers you, and you see no changes after mentioning it, then it's your significant other's decision to either, or. If they're not willing to try and change those mannerisms, it's a dealbreaker.
One man complained that his wife's family ate like animals, during family gatherings, and he was tired of it.
He knew before he married her, that they were part of the package, yet he accepted it.
If your an up and coming executive, or enjoy social gatherings, you have to decide early on, if you want to leave your spouse at home, or simply, pass on the relationship.
Personally, I have a few little dealbreakers, that are a given, and I usually am able to observe them on the first or second date.
Neck cracking, I just don't understand that, knucklecracking is just not something I can deal with, to me that's just like taking your nails and running them down the chalkboard. The same goes for snorting, I find the sound of it, nasty. I'm not kissing someone who snorts, it's just not going to happen.
Educational levels, there are millions of couples who are happy together, with one being of an educational level above their spouse. Being articulate, and well spoken is a plus, but if this is not to be, there may be some uncomfortable compromises in your future. Socializing with others, business gatherings, trying to mingle with in-laws who are not forgiving of your background.
Someone who doesn't want to better themselves, should be a red flag. They can't contribute to the relationship, or the household, by bringing home minimum wages, and no insurance benefits. And usually these types, are threatened when their spouses/significant others, climb financially, and socially.
And then there are those individuals who say what ever comes out of their mouth, they don't care that they are hurting someone else's feelings, they just speak their mind. Yes, one more of those personality flaws that can't be changed. If they are doing this after the first, or second date, be assured they are going to do it on the third date. It's part of who they are, and if you don't like it, you need to back away now.
A wife wrote that her husband of over 30 years told overnight guests that if they didn't like seeing him walking around in his underwear, scratching his genitals, they could get out. And then he told his elderly mother, if she was cold, she could get out too. Apparently he liked opening all the windows in his home, in the winter.His wife had been dealing with his behavior for years, and it had embarrassed her to the point where she wanted to leave him.
He was like that when she met him, he was like that during their courtship, during their engagement, and probably on their wedding day. She knew what kind of man she was getting, and she married him anyway.
Ignoring any kind of flaw, hoping your significant other will change it, out of respect for your feelings, is a long shot. I'd love to say, it'll be okay, but that's really not being realistic. If someone your dating is doing something over and over again, even after you've asked them to stop, that screams, IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN, MOVE ON.
There's someone out there, who won't care that they eat with their fingers. There's someone out there who won't mind the fact that they fart a song at a 4 star restaurant, there's someone out there who doesn't care that they don't shower, or dress like Howdie the clown at the family reunion. There's someone out there that doesn't mind that anything they say, is okay. There's someone out there, who doesn't mind picking up after an adult. There's someone out there who doesn't cringe everything you scratch your genitals, or pick your nose, and then, examine what's on the tip of your finger. There's someone out there, and if it bothers you now, it's probably not you.
Why be unhappy if you don't have to be? A dealbreaker, is just that. You should never go into a relationship thinking you can change something about someone else. Because, when it doesn't happen, you have to know that you've wasted your time. And in the back of your mind, you need to know that the person just doesn't think enough about you, to change a flaw, that makes you want to scream to the clouds! I'm not going to do this even if I know it will make you happy, says I don't respect you, nor do I love you enough to work on changing this habit.
By the third date, you should know, after 30 years if what happened on the second date, is still happening
well.....know that your overlooking it, ignoring it,and your telling that person, it's okay.
Research before Romance Body Image by: T. L. Moss
You've heard it time and time again, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. It's true. I can love you all day long, but I want you to be visually attractive. Some relationships, thrive either way.
I have a friend girl who was a model when she met her husband over 40 years ago. She's still beautiful, but from the neck up, her size 4 is now a 20 plus, but her husband still worships the ground she walks on. But, we all can't be that blessed. Don't assume just because he/she says it's okay if you gain a couple of pounds, it's okay to gain more.
Too many advice columns tell stories about deception, betrayal and disappointment because one of the spouse's has gotten so comfortable, that they have eatten themselves out of a relationship.
Jumping out of a size 2 into a size 28 within a matter of 5 years. It might be a tyroid problem, if this runs in the family, maybe it should be researched. I do apologize, but weight problems ruin love stories.
If this is a concern to you now, maybe you should speak with your doctor.
Women and men that believe they have been given the go ahead to let themselves go, once the last I do has been breathed, are in for a hard fall from space.
If your dating someone who eats a lot of junk food, and doesn't exercise now, they will continue this after you're married. And this is not only bad for your/their health, but expensive, and I'm not just talking about the cost of the food, but down the road, health insurance, clothing (large sizes cost more money), reenforced furniture, etc.
If you don't have a budget for a health club, purchase a couple of tapes, so that you can exercise, in the privacy of your home. Swim, walk, bike ride, all of the mentioned activities, can be done as a family.
The final note on this conversation, keeping yourself looking good doesn't guarantee your relationship will last forever, but it will keep your spirits alive, your self worth will be in tact, and you will be healthy enough and look good enough, to bring something special to another phase of your life. Keep it real, take care of yourself.
Research before Romance- Be Selective
Newspaper Articles
Man Never Left Childhood
Blabbermouth
Did she Trap Him?
Inmate Eats his Eye
Daughter's Choices
Chasing a High School Dropout
Woman is Lonesome for her Loser
Hard Choices to Make
Marrying her for the 4th Time
Overlooking Signs
Picky
Newspaper Headlines
Child Endangerment
I Want to Know Why
Too Timer
Wrong Men in Her Life
Mother's Abusive Boyfriend
Mother-Boyfriend Killed while Children Slept
Mother in bathtub killings not guilty
Woman found insane when she drowned 2 kids
January 24, 2009 The Blade
Ms. Hill made no attempt to conceal evidence or flee after the killings. Instead, she called her boyfriend, Jaime Cintron, (father to one of the children), who came home and found her sitting on the couch staring blankly ahead in an unresponsive daze.
1 of 2 Freed after girl dies during snowy trek
January 24, 2009 The Blade
An Idaho judge has dismissed charges against one of two men accused in the death of an 11 year old girl who was allowed to walk 10 miles in the snow.
A judge agreed with a defense attorney yesterday that Kenneth Quintana shouldn't be charged because he didn't have custody of Sage Aragon and her brother Bear, 12.
Robert Aragon, the children's father, is charged with involuntary manslaughter and felony injury to a child.
Prosecutors say the two were driving the children to their mother's house on Christmas when their car got stuck in a snowdrift.
Grown man never left childhood
February 4, 2009 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I have been seeing "Rob" for over a year. We have loads of fun together and genuinely love each other. The problem is, Rob doesn't seem overly interested in moving in together, getting married, or having kids, and he knows that's a deal breaker for me. I can understand this hesitation about marriage. He was married before and his wife had children from her first marriage, but it didn't work out and they divorced years later.
We each have our own homes, but Rob will not consider selling his so we could get a place together. I think it's important for a couple to find a place they can both call home. His place is bigger, but it needs a lot of work. It's the home he grew up in, and it would always be his, not ours. Plus, his mom moved in with him a few years back and is still living there.
He's been saying for months that it's time for her to find her own place, but he won't discuss it with her. And she still makes his meals and does his laundry.
How can I make him see that at this stage in his life he should know what it's like to live on his own or he will never be able to figure out if he wants to have a life with someone else? I am not trying to force our relationship into marriage, but neither of us is getting any younger. When is it time to move on?
Nutcase in N.Y.
Dear N.Y.:
Yestereday. This is a grown man, still living in his childhood home with his mother who cooks and cleans for him. He's made it clear that he's not ready for marriage and may never want children. You can issue an ultimatum, since you'll have nothing to lose by walking away. Otherwise, decide whether you love him enough to stay in this situation indefinitely. We can't promise there will be anything more.
Dear Deanna!
When does an ex-boyfriend have the right to disrespect an old flame? My boyfriend and I split because we weren't compatiable. I thought we were on the same page until he started putting my business in the street.
He's talking about my credit problems, family drama, and he hurt me the most by telling his friends about my medical hygiene problems. I feel I'm doing the right thing by ignoring him. Elaine
Dear Elaine:
Any man, whether married, single, dating or divorced, who puts his woman on blast and tells her business after a breakup is a punk.
It's worse if they have children because he's disrespecting the woman and his kids. You're doing the right thing by giving him a deaf ear. Now you're able to see more about his character that led you to break up in the first place.
Keep holding your head high because in the end, he'll still look like a fool.
Did she get pregnant to trap him?
January 17, 2009 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I manage a very small office. Last year, I became involved with my employer and got pregnant. Fortunately, we grew to love each other and our child, and we are now married. Despite our rocky start, we are quite happy.
The problem is his family. They constantly make comments about our relationship and suggest to him that I became pregnant on purpose to trap him. I am at the end of my rope because of these hurtful remarks. How do I convince my husband that it is his responsibility to defend me? He says to do so would give his family the impression that he has blind faith in me as if that is a bad thing. Please help. I'm considering divorce over this. Office Sweetheart
Dear Sweetheart:
Apparently your husband thinks his family could be right, which is why he doesn't defend you. His lack of emotional support does not speak well for him and is damaging to your marriage. Ask him to go with you for counseling to clear the air and make sure your priorities are on the same page.
Deathrow Inmate Eats his own Eye
A Texas death row inmate with a history of mental problems pulled out his only good eye and told authorities he ate it.
Andre Thomas, 25, was arrested for the fatal stabbings of his estranged wife, their young son and her 13 month old daughter in March 2004. Their hearts also had been ripped out. He was convicted and condemned for the infant's death.
While in the Grayson Jail in Sherman, Thomas plucked out his right eye before his trial later in 2004. A judge subsequently ruled he was competent to stand trial.
On Dec. 9, a death-row officer at the Polunsky Unit of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice found Thomas in his cell with blood on his face and took him to the infirmary.
"Thomas said he pulled out his eye and subsequently ingested it," agency spokesman Jason Clark said Friday.
Thomas was treated at East Texas Medical Center in Tyler. Then he was transferred and remains at the Jester Unit, a prison psychiatric facility near Richmond southwest of Houston.
The Texas Court of Criminal Appeals in October upheld his conviction and death sentence for the death of 13 month old Leyha Marie Hughes. Also killed March 27, 2004, were his wife, Laura Christine Boren, 20, and their son, 4 year old Andre Lee.
Thomas, from Texoma, walked into the Sherman Police Department and told a dispatcher he had just murdered the three and had stabbed himself in the chest.
Dear Annie:
My daughter, "Felicia" is extremely bright, beautiful, and has a wonderful heart. However, I am concerned about her choice in boyfriends.
Felicia tends to take on the characteristics of whomever she is dating. She was engaged to "Bob" for five years. Bob never finished high school, had no intention of getting a GED, and moved from one job to another. He had no drivers license or car, so my daughter ferried him everywhere. Evenually she discovered Bob had been lying about a job and had stolen $1,000 from her bank account. When she confronted him, be became angry, took her car, and managed to wreck it to the tune of $3,000. He then called on his way out of state and said he would not be back.
Felicia worked very hard getting herself together. But now she has a new boyfriend whom she met about a month ago and the nightmare is beginnings all over again. "Sam" has no education, has lost his job, and will not communicate with my husband or me. Felicia is beginning to behave just like him. Her best girlfriend has noticed, it too.
I am at a loss to understand why she prefers these kinds of friends and have no idea how to get through to her. Any suggestions? Worried to Death
Dear Worried:
Either Felicia doesn't believe your reassurances, or she is rebelling by deliberately choosing men who will displease her parents. It's time to step back and let her make her own decisions, no matter how misguided. Some people only learn the hard way. Plaster a smile on your face and be friendly to the boyfriend. If she's rebelling, your acceptance will squash the need, and if she's lacking in self-esteem, your support will bolster her. Don't reject the man who could become her husband. She's going to need you.
Change schools to chase a dropout?
Dear Gwendolyn:
Last semester I made horrible grades. My GPA was 1.5 and I have a reasonable explanation for that. The problem is I want to change schools.
I met a man while working at a summer camp. He worked at the fast food restaurant. It was love at first sight. You would think I would not have been attracted to him as he was a permanent worker---school dropout.
When my parents discovered I wanted to change schools, they were furious. Where I now attend is affordable. However, I would like to be near my friend. The only college in the camp's small town is private and expensive.
I feel my parents are doing me wrong. They could sacrifice a little harder. Am I being selfish? Do I need to consider changing would be a hardship for them?
If I lived near him, I could convince him to go back to school and even to college. He was a dropout at age 16 and is now 36. We could get married after he graduates. My parents need to make me happy. Grace
Dear Grace:
Parents can make you happy as a child, but once you become an adult, happiness comes from the choices you make.
Let me tell you this: Sixteen year old dropouts usually hang on street corners wearing gold chains around their neck, diamonds on their fingers, and a Rolex watch on both wrists. This money, of course, is accomplished illegally.
After going from boy to man, they realize women of intelligence don't cross at that particular street corner. Therefore, they get a job at a fast food chain in a lucrative neighborhood. They have the knowledge to know women of quality will enter---just as you did.
Grace, put forward your best efforts and bring up your GPA. Concentrate on receiving your undergraduate degree and possibly going on to graduate school. The man you speak of has had 20 years to make something of his life. To quit college just to chase a high school dropout won't hurt your parents. Their hurt will only be temporary, but your hurt will be permanent.
Think about it. Uneducated men look for educated women who possess---a lack or common sense.
Dear Yo:
I am so lonely. I got out of a 7 year relationship and it's been a while since we have been together. The problem is I still love him. I know we are not right for each other and other then us having a child together we have nothing in common. We always argue and he is so immature. I don't think I really want to be with him. I am just lonely, so I am trying to find a good quality man to make me happy and cure the loneliness. I have started working out a lot to suck up some of my time but every woman wants a man to hold at night. Do you think I should take time for myself and my child and quit acting like a baby? Or should I give it a try for the millionth time? Lonely
Yo Lonely:
First off I want to say that I don't think that you are acting like a baby. You are acting like what you said you are...lonely. But don't let being lonely keep you in or make you go back to a situation that you seem to know is not good for you... Being in an unhealthy relationship is bad for you and your child. Arguing all the time and staying in a relationship just because you have a child together is a huge mistake that lots of people make all the time. I know it is easier said than done, but give it some time. Find activities for you and your child to participate in, or an organization to join, so you heal and get over this man. And yes, take time for yourself too.
Seven years is a long time to be with someone and your child binds you two forever, but at some point you have to move on. Working out is good, but there is plenty of things that you can do. Don't let wanting a man to hold you at night hold you back from your happiness. Love yourself and your child and when the time is right you will find that someone special to love you back.
Student Has Hard Choices to Make
February 27, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I am a college student, and I live with my boyfriend, who just lost his job. He's actively looking for a new one but hasn't had any luck yet.
As much as I enjoy my new found "grown up" life, I find it very hard to survive financially. I work full time and go to school in the evenings until midnight. My typical day lasts 16-18 hours, depending on homework. I don't have time for a second job. With student loans and car payments, insurance, and rent, my budget is so tight that if I go a penny over the amount allotted for gas, I am in the red.
I go to a private college, which means I'm applying for new school loans every seven weeks. When you have that many loans and not a long credit history, it's hard for anyone to apply for a personal line of credit. I'm at my wits' end. I don't know how to stay afloat. Any suggestions? Broke in Phoenix
Dear Broke:
Yes, but you may not like them. You can live with a roommate who is able to pay half the rent and all other joint expenses. You can find a cheaper place to live. You can get a better job or ask for a raise. You can move back into your parents' home temporarily. You can attend a public university. You can postpone college until you have saved up enough to go back to the school of your choice. It's nice to live independently, and all young adults should do so, but when you are drowning, you need to take whatever steps are necessary to get out of the ocean.
Should He Marry Her a Fourth Time?
Dear Gwendolyn:
During my senior year of high school I fell in love with a girl I just had to have. After graduation, she attended a local college and I accepted an academic scholarship out of the city.
We corresponded via telephne every night until my junior year. My parents were furious about the phone bills, but what can I say...I was in love. I would go home during Christmas break and spring break.
This is the problem: One weekend I decided to give her a surprise visit. When I went to her dormitory, I found her seated in the lounge in the arms of another man. I was so hurt. I told her to make a decision or forever exit my life. Gwendolyn, she made her choice. We married two weeks later and feeling I had responsibility, I didn't return to school. I got a job that paid minimal wage. Our marriage didn't last a year. We courted again and married for the second time. That marriage ended in divorce. We courted again and remarried for the third time. She got her degree, but explained she didn't care to be married to a drop-out.
By that time, I had lost my scholarship due to non-attendance. After our third divorce, she met a man, married him, then had twins. He left her and she now finds herself seeking child support.
I have a big problem: We have been seeing each other again and presently I am supporting the twins. She wants to marry me for the fourth time. I want to return to school to complete my degree. What should I do? Arnold
Dear Arnold:
Go back to school. Help your friend (your ex-wife of three times) to seek child support from the man who fathered the twins. You don't need to be in this picture. There's no place for you.
She already told you that your education is not of a status she wants in a husband. You never should have stopped your schooling in the first place. But as you say, you were in love.
Never think of marrying this woman again. Let me tell you this: Marriage is like a base ball game. Think about it. You had three strikes ----so you're out.
Dear Carolyn:
Is Divorcee Overlooking Signs?
I am a 25 year old divorcee. I've realized there were many warning signs that I ignored before and during my marriage. I've grown and learned a lot. I've now been dating a great guy for the last six months and am very much in love. I am happy and to be honest, it freaks me out! I am not used to someone being so sweet and kind, someone who does favors for me and such. We've discussed moving in together, but when people ask me how I feel about it, I really don't know. We spend most nights together and we're practically living together, but I wonder. I'm not sure if I think it's too soon or if I'm afraid of what other people will think. Is it too soon? Can someone really find love after a divorce that fast? Not Sure in Texas
Better question: Can someone really break an unhealthy pattern that fast? Bad relationships aren't just about choosing bad people: they're about making bad decisions for bad reasons.
You are, as you type, trying to talk yourself into something despite the little voice that's whispering, "too soon". Which, incidentally, is often the first draft of the more decisive: "This isn't the guy".
With your divorce, you came to recognize the warning signs that you ignored. Great. Except now you're ignoring a whole new set of warning signs. Maybe that's because they don't look like the clear warnings of hindsight. Instead, they're vague hesitations, much tougher to read.
For the sake of all involved, heed them. Wait till you're sure, sure. As in, sure. Maybe this is the guy, but you won't kill a healthy relationship by waiting. More important, you won't needlessly prolong a sick one by moving in. Most important, waiting lets you discern whether these surprising kindnesses and favors are really about love and respect, or just about sucking you in.
Dear Carolyn: I’ve noticed many of my friends date wonderful men who will make faithful husbands and good fathers, yet it’s not enough for us. I love my boyfriend’s kindness. But I get very sad when I think about all the ideas I’ve stopped trying to share with him-because of his niceness, in terms of intellectual discourse, often translates into blandness. In the end, is it better to be with a good financially stable, faithful husband and father, or wait for someone who might light more of that “spark”- even if they lack in other stability areas?
Or should we just wait for someone who suits us in both departments? I’ve heard the arguments that we’re “too picky”, and I am starting to believe them. Scared
If the “too picky” promoters will be waking up to-and making love to, talking money with, snapping irritably at, vacationing with, cleaning up after, laughing at the retelling of stories by-your boyfriend then you should hang on their every word.
“Too picky” is just one of the things you mention that are too broad and clichéd to have meaning. Another is that “stable” and “interesting” occupy opposite poles. Another is “many of my friends”. Only you know what you can’t live with (or without) because only you will be eternally living with (or without).
And if you’re not even sure how to figure the difference, look at your life on its face. Are you missing something? Are you sad without it? Then why do you doubt yourself?
This is the blank where someone always fills in, “Because nobody’s perfect.” Yes. True. So test the true weight of the imperfection by figuring out its remedy-outside the marriage.
If you read that and thought, sure, I can just join a book group and share ideas and be satisfied scratching that intellectual itch when I can, then, mazel tov.
But if you read that and thought, great, I get one non-boring conversation-or one laugh of one atta girl or one (ahem) or one whatever else is missing-a WEEK? From someone not my spouse? For the rest of my life? Then be true to your needs, and as picky as you want to be.
Mo. Man Jailed for Life for Child's Murder
November 21, 2008 The Blade
A man convicted of killing and beheading his then girlfriend's 3 year old daughter and dumping her body in the woods was sentenced yesterday to life in prison without the possibility of parole.
Before being sentenced, Harrell Johnson again stated that he was innocent of the 2001 murder of Erica Green. The girl's remains went unidentified for four years after they were found, during which time she was referred to by the community and in the news media as "Precious Doe".
Johnson, 29, was convicted last month of first-degree murder, endangering the welfare of a child, and abuse of a child.
Stepdad Guilty of Child Endangerment
3 year cap on prison time urged
January 6, 2009 The Blade
Alexander Schneider didn't have a criminal past, but his handling of his wife's newborn led him into handcuffs and may put him in prison.
After being interviewed by Lucas County Children Services and Toledo police, Schneider admitted squeezing the baby's legs together while changing her diaper, resulting in the break of the leg bone.
He also said that he had hit the child on the back to make her burp an action investigators said led to the broken rib.
Mr. Braun said that Schneider's frustration while trying to wrap the child in a blanket led him to handle her roughly, breaking the wrist bone.
Authorities said the child remains in the custody of her mother, who has since moved out of Toledo.
Dear Gwendolyn:
I have a problem. My boyfriend and I broke up due to the fact that he was cheating on me. I didn't tell him that I knew he was cheating and now I have it all stuck on my heart and mind.
I would like to tell him how I feel and let him know so I can heal. Do you think it is the right thing for me to let him know? He also disrespected my parents when we broke up by calling them profane names, etc. He is now banned from ever coming over.
Do you think that I should meet him maybe in the library or somewhere just to tell him everything that is on my heart? He has not called or anything, but he sent an email saying he was sorry. However, he only apologized to my mother and not my father. They didn't get along because my father felt he wasn't good enough for me.
Gwendolyn, I just want to heal and get everything that I feel off of my heart. I am 21 and my boyfriend is 22. Our relationship was not intimate. I believe in waiting until marriage.Although he has two children already. We dated for 10 months. Alice
Dear Alice:
Ten months? Girl, I thought you were 40 ending a relationship of 10 years. Let me tell yu this: Do not make an attempt to contact your boyfriend to let him know your feelings and broken heart. Apparently, he cheated on you because you have a firm belief to wait until marriage. That's good.
But what you don't understand is that a man can have an active sexual life---and still go out and cheat. Another thing you don't understand and that is many men like to meet a virgin and then set a goal to be her first.
You sent me a separate correspondence explaining that you had to quit school (doctor's advice) due to having a seizure which was brought on by a stroke that was brought on because you were stressed out over your relationship. My advice to you, Alice, is to focus on your health and when you have recovered from your illness, return to school----with your doctor's approval of course.
Alice, whether a 10 month relationship or a three year relationship, it hurts just the same and I understand that. However, you are young and the world can be yours if you make the right choices. And believe me, trying to meet your ex would not be fitting and proper. Forget him.
He's Stringing Someone Else Along
Hi Carolyn:
Say for instance a few years back, girl meets boy---it's love at first sight. They eventually get together, though break up a short time after, after and remain very good friends for years to follow.
Guy and girl still discuss their feelings for one another and have seriously considered marriage. However, guy has been seeing another woman for the last few years about whom he has admittedly lukewarm feelings, and says he doesn't know where things are going there. Girl can really envision a future with this guy.....
Is there anything she can do aside from being patient and seeing if there are new developments? Milwaukee
Yes. She can get her head out of her, uh, romance novel.
I can really envision your future with him,too:
You get along well, but he seems distant at times. You tell yourself this is normal, yet feel increasingly isolated. You speak up. Boy says you're imagining things. You see yourself clinging and hate it.
Then he says to the other girl they're "just friends" mind you----that things with you have been kinda lukewarm....It seems like a basic precaution not to make yourself available to anyone who openly declares that he's stringing along someone else. No one has everything, but every good mate will have these: compassion, conscience, spine.
Before you decide this warning: doesn't apply, make sure your justification passes the laugh test; "love at first sight" doesn't That is, unless you just prefer to have him string you along inside a relationship, inside of outside one.
Dear Gwendolyn:
I am writing to you at a low point in my life. I had a horrible childhood. My mother didn't want me. I, therefore, was sent to live from foster home to foster home. At 16 I became pregnant.
Two years after giving birth to my first child, the system found me an apartment. I was placed on zero rent. However, my live in boyfriend was stealing from the apartment maintenance storage, so I go evicted.
I went to live with my grandparents. When they went on vacation, I let my boyfriend stay there. He stole their electronic equipment so they asked me to leave. I then went to live in a homeless shelter. The system found another apartment. Again, I was placed on zero rent.
Gwendolyn, I thought my worker was for me, but later discovered she was against me. Late one night the Children Service worker came to my apartment with other people of authority. The caught me smoking weed and my boyfriend was on the floor drunk. They took my children.
When I went to court, the judge placed my two children into foster care. They said the children did not have their proper shots. Gwendolyn, why is it that people like myself have such a hard life? Shirley
Dear Shirley:
They make it hard themselves. If I took in stray men off the street, sat around smoking weed, my life would not be a joy. As a child, you had no choice but as an adult, you do.
Miss Lady, you haven't seen hard. Let's go back in time a bit: Women especially black women had children and many had to work in the fields, give birth and then go right back to picking cotton or whatever they were doing. They fed 8, 10, 12 or more children and, think about it, didn't have one dollar in food stamps.
Let me tell you this: To lose your children may be best for the children. I say this because you admitted to smoking weed. Your children don't need to see that.
Stop blaming society or the system for your unhappiness. People work hard and often for little pay. You had free rent, free food, I'm sure---and still you chose a downhill style of life.
The world is tired of all these young mothers like yourself singing a sad song. You know, it is past the time for the song's tempo to take an upbeat.
Mother not allowed contact with children
October 23, 2008 The Blade
A woman accused of leaving her 3 year old daughter with her fiance who was abusing the child was ordered during an arraignment yesterday to have no contact with any children, Toledo Municipal Court orders show.
Ms. Lusk's fiance, Troy Semenovich, 25, also of the Homer address, was arrested Monday after he slapped the toddler in the head, driving her into the kitchen stove, causing severe injury, court documents state.
Ms. Lusk, who has six children ranging in age from 1 to 8, was not home, police said.
Semenovich is not the girl's biological father, police said.
Update October 26, 2008: Child died from injuries
2 Killed in Columbus while 6 Children Slept
December 25, 2008 The Blade
One of the dead was April Lester, a 29 year old mother of three who relatives said was expecting her fourth child.
Neighbor John Wilson, 43, said he befriended the couple after they moved in. Both Ms. Lester and Mr. Taylor, whom he knew as Jeremy or 'Tex', called him 'Unc' because he was older.
He said he last saw Ms. Lester about midnight Tuesday, when she called him to ask for a cigarette. When he delivered it, Tex wasn't there.
In the past two weeks, Tex had told him "he had some problems with some guys," Mr. Wilson said. Mr. Wilson said he didn't pry but Tex was afraid to even walk to the neighborhood store for fear of running into them.
Relatives of Ms. Lester said they knew little about Mr. Taylor, whom Ms. Lester began dating about three months ago. They said he came from Texas.
Neighbor Brenda Johnson said Ms. Lester and Mr. Taylor had moved in several months ago. She said they often fought ---broken windows in the home were from two previous fights.
Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today
Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611
Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com
Article: Being Selective
Chapter from Research before Romance (Being Selective)
Research before Romance- Being Selective by: T. L. Moss
One of my favorite chapters. Being selective can help you avoid being drawn into 'relationship drama'. Don't be forced into being with someone, who doesn't meet up to your standards. And if you don't have standards, get some.
Someone who isn't motivated to make money now, isn't going to change, Dumpem.
He/she wants to borrow money, or just always wants to spend your money, and never spend anything on you. Dumpem.
She/he can't cook, their living space is always a mess, and they collect everything! it'll only get worse. Dumpem.
Someone who talks to you in a way that makes your toes curl, not because it's a turn on, but because it angers you, Dumpem
If they haha joke around, and say something that upsets, insults, demeans, embarrasses you once, or twice, that's one time to many, Dumpem
You've found out the family is a drama troupe, the police know everybody by their first names, the grandmother has a police record, and the family dog has been in and out of the pound for disorderly conduct, Dumpem
You notice that the family's offspring crawl the walls, and this is a good day. Dumpem.
His/her former girl/boy friend left town as soon as they broke up, and can't be found. She/He has children that he/she isn't allowed to see, or can only see their children when there's supervision, there's a problem, Dumpem.
He/She lives at home with his family, or is sleeping on a friends couch, and have been there for a while,
and have hinted that they want to move in with you.Dumpem.
He/she works at a fast food restaurant and that's their only income, they aren't in college, or going to trade school, and although they've held the job for a while, they aren't in management, Dump em. They aren't motivated.
He/She doesn't have a drivers license and after some research you discover that he/she has a history of driving while drunk, and has totaled out several automobiles that didn't belong to him/her. Dumpem.
He/she keeps constant company with individuals who are known to do drugs, drink all day/all night, or go out every weekend to find women.Dumpem.
He/she refuses to educate themselves, and isn't supportive of your wanting more out of life. Dumpem
He/she is careless sexually, she may get pregnant to trap you, he insists you get pregnant. Dumpem.
You found that they have terrible credit, and it's due to their inability to get/keep a job, or because they have an addiction. Dumpem.
He/she would rather buy a big screen television, than pay the rent, or buy a car, then pay child support
Dumpem
He/she keeps secrets, and when you ask questions they become defensive, Dumpem.
She/he has numerous children by numerous individuals who are hostile towards them, he/she refuses to pay child support, the children are out of control with no manners, and you are already having problems with the ex. Dumpem
He/she doesn't communicate well, they tend to withdraw when they don't hear what they want to hear, they come from a world of yelling and screaming and don't want to talk about counseling. Dumpem.
She/he has shared that they have been sexually assaulted, physically abused as a child, neglected as a child, or grew up in a home where there was 24/7 drama, and don't think they need to get counseling Dumpem.
She/he is a risk taker, dodging around railroad crossing arms, driving recklessly, leaving loaded firearms around the house, leaving children in the car while he/she run errands. Dumpem.
He/she has made some crude remarks about your family, and suggests after you become a couple, you should move away. Dumpem.
He/she does inappropriate things to your children (pushes, spanking) hits or kicks your pet or suggests you get rid of the pet, or let your ex care for your children full-time. Dumpem.
He/she is constantly asking where your going, when your coming back, always texting, blowing up your cell phone, your answering machine/voicemail is packed with where are you messages. Your email contains several messages. Dumpem.
You are secretly embarrassed to take him/her out because of their manners, clothing choices, hygiene, inability to carry on a conversation without cursing, insensitive remarks (racist, sexist) Dumpem
You discover by accident that the person your with, can't read or write. This is a serious one. They will be dependent on you, for all the wrong reasons. Dumpem gently.
She/he has a criminal record that's recent. And they don't mind going to jail. Dumpem
He/she has poor nutrition habits, eating whatever is put in front of them. They are overweight, and don't like exercise. An overweight love interest could get to be expensive, and will have health problems in the future. Dumpem
I could apologize for some of these dumpem suggestions, but uhhh no. Some are a little extreme, but you might thank me later. Really, I wouldn't tell you anything, I wouldn't do myself.
Things happen, alot of what's been mentioned, can't be done after the first date. But dumping em before things get really serious is a must, otherwise you'll find yourself caught up in a relationship with an individual who will make your life miserable.
But I really want you to learn how to dumpem gracefully, remember, practice the it's me not you speech.
Repeat after me, you are wonderful, and I don't think I would be the right person for you. Whatever the conversation. Work your magic, but know this, if you decide to do this after you've spent too much time with an individual who doesn't let go easy, then you'll have a problem. That's why it's important to do what?
Research first.
Giving someone an ultimatum is a great thing but if the individual doesn't take it seriously, and becomes resentful because they think you're trying to change them, you may encounter some resistence. I vote to, yeah, Dumpem.
Research before Romance-Hoping for Change by: T. L. Moss
"Brandon" was the love of my life, until I came to the realization that he was a slob. I'd travel a total of 6 hours to visit him, only to find his apartment trashed. I'd clean it, because I like order, and not knowing where things were, or even where to put my overnight bag, bugged me.
He never washed dishes, nor did he bother to wipe his shaved whiskers out of the bathroom sink. He was always anxious to make love, but never took the time to change the sheets, or make his bed before I arrived.
Unopened paper plates on the coffeetable, can openers in the bathroom, and toilet paper on the kitchen counters. I couldn't understand how he could live that way, and still function. He worked fulltime, and attended law school at night. File folders scattered the apartment, and stuff was just everywhere. He always joked that if we got married, I could hire a housekeeper. No, if you'd just pick up after yourself, or at least put things where they were supposed to be, you wouldn't have to hire a housekeeper.
I just got to the point where I was tired of discussing it anymore. I knew this would be an ongoing argument, throughout our relationship, it was easy giving him the 'it's not you, it's me speech'. Why? because he knew it bothered me that his apartment was a mess, and he made no attempt to correct the problem.
As a collector of advice columns, I'm constantly reviewing articles from wives who have been married to men who don't dress to impress, nor do they have high marks in the hygiene department. These women have been bothered by this for over 30 years, and many are ready to walk out. They thought once they got married, they could 'change' the personal habits of their spouses, but it didn't happen, it only got worse.
Now, for table manners, or the lack of. Once you do the eating out date, either the person does or does not have them, it's pretty cut and dry. A person can't hide this 'flaw', yet once again, spouses complain that after 30 years of living with someone who talks with their mouth full of food, slurps, burps, farts, blows their nose at the table, and eats with their fingers, lacks table manners.
If this is something that bothers you, and you see no changes after mentioning it, then it's your significant other's decision to either, or. If they're not willing to try and change those mannerisms, it's a dealbreaker.
One man complained that his wife's family ate like animals, during family gatherings, and he was tired of it.
He knew before he married her, that they were part of the package, yet he accepted it.
If your an up and coming executive, or enjoy social gatherings, you have to decide early on, if you want to leave your spouse at home, or simply, pass on the relationship.
Personally, I have a few little dealbreakers, that are a given, and I usually am able to observe them on the first or second date.
Neck cracking, I just don't understand that, knucklecracking is just not something I can deal with, to me that's just like taking your nails and running them down the chalkboard. The same goes for snorting, I find the sound of it, nasty. I'm not kissing someone who snorts, it's just not going to happen.
Educational levels, there are millions of couples who are happy together, with one being of an educational level above their spouse. Being articulate, and well spoken is a plus, but if this is not to be, there may be some uncomfortable compromises in your future. Socializing with others, business gatherings, trying to mingle with in-laws who are not forgiving of your background.
Someone who doesn't want to better themselves, should be a red flag. They can't contribute to the relationship, or the household, by bringing home minimum wages, and no insurance benefits. And usually these types, are threatened when their spouses/significant others, climb financially, and socially.
And then there are those individuals who say what ever comes out of their mouth, they don't care that they are hurting someone else's feelings, they just speak their mind. Yes, one more of those personality flaws that can't be changed. If they are doing this after the first, or second date, be assured they are going to do it on the third date. It's part of who they are, and if you don't like it, you need to back away now.
A wife wrote that her husband of over 30 years told overnight guests that if they didn't like seeing him walking around in his underwear, scratching his genitals, they could get out. And then he told his elderly mother, if she was cold, she could get out too. Apparently he liked opening all the windows in his home, in the winter.His wife had been dealing with his behavior for years, and it had embarrassed her to the point where she wanted to leave him.
He was like that when she met him, he was like that during their courtship, during their engagement, and probably on their wedding day. She knew what kind of man she was getting, and she married him anyway.
Ignoring any kind of flaw, hoping your significant other will change it, out of respect for your feelings, is a long shot. I'd love to say, it'll be okay, but that's really not being realistic. If someone your dating is doing something over and over again, even after you've asked them to stop, that screams, IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN, MOVE ON.
There's someone out there, who won't care that they eat with their fingers. There's someone out there who won't mind the fact that they fart a song at a 4 star restaurant, there's someone out there who doesn't care that they don't shower, or dress like Howdie the clown at the family reunion. There's someone out there that doesn't mind that anything they say, is okay. There's someone out there, who doesn't mind picking up after an adult. There's someone out there who doesn't cringe everything you scratch your genitals, or pick your nose, and then, examine what's on the tip of your finger. There's someone out there, and if it bothers you now, it's probably not you.
Why be unhappy if you don't have to be? A dealbreaker, is just that. You should never go into a relationship thinking you can change something about someone else. Because, when it doesn't happen, you have to know that you've wasted your time. And in the back of your mind, you need to know that the person just doesn't think enough about you, to change a flaw, that makes you want to scream to the clouds! I'm not going to do this even if I know it will make you happy, says I don't respect you, nor do I love you enough to work on changing this habit.
By the third date, you should know, after 30 years if what happened on the second date, is still happening
well.....know that your overlooking it, ignoring it,and your telling that person, it's okay.
Research before Romance Body Image by: T. L. Moss
You've heard it time and time again, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. It's true. I can love you all day long, but I want you to be visually attractive. Some relationships, thrive either way.
I have a friend girl who was a model when she met her husband over 40 years ago. She's still beautiful, but from the neck up, her size 4 is now a 20 plus, but her husband still worships the ground she walks on. But, we all can't be that blessed. Don't assume just because he/she says it's okay if you gain a couple of pounds, it's okay to gain more.
Too many advice columns tell stories about deception, betrayal and disappointment because one of the spouse's has gotten so comfortable, that they have eatten themselves out of a relationship.
Jumping out of a size 2 into a size 28 within a matter of 5 years. It might be a tyroid problem, if this runs in the family, maybe it should be researched. I do apologize, but weight problems ruin love stories.
If this is a concern to you now, maybe you should speak with your doctor.
Women and men that believe they have been given the go ahead to let themselves go, once the last I do has been breathed, are in for a hard fall from space.
If your dating someone who eats a lot of junk food, and doesn't exercise now, they will continue this after you're married. And this is not only bad for your/their health, but expensive, and I'm not just talking about the cost of the food, but down the road, health insurance, clothing (large sizes cost more money), reenforced furniture, etc.
If you don't have a budget for a health club, purchase a couple of tapes, so that you can exercise, in the privacy of your home. Swim, walk, bike ride, all of the mentioned activities, can be done as a family.
The final note on this conversation, keeping yourself looking good doesn't guarantee your relationship will last forever, but it will keep your spirits alive, your self worth will be in tact, and you will be healthy enough and look good enough, to bring something special to another phase of your life. Keep it real, take care of yourself.
Research before Romance- Be Selective
Newspaper Articles
Man Never Left Childhood
Blabbermouth
Did she Trap Him?
Inmate Eats his Eye
Daughter's Choices
Chasing a High School Dropout
Woman is Lonesome for her Loser
Hard Choices to Make
Marrying her for the 4th Time
Overlooking Signs
Picky
Newspaper Headlines
Child Endangerment
I Want to Know Why
Too Timer
Wrong Men in Her Life
Mother's Abusive Boyfriend
Mother-Boyfriend Killed while Children Slept
Mother in bathtub killings not guilty
Woman found insane when she drowned 2 kids
January 24, 2009 The Blade
Ms. Hill made no attempt to conceal evidence or flee after the killings. Instead, she called her boyfriend, Jaime Cintron, (father to one of the children), who came home and found her sitting on the couch staring blankly ahead in an unresponsive daze.
1 of 2 Freed after girl dies during snowy trek
January 24, 2009 The Blade
An Idaho judge has dismissed charges against one of two men accused in the death of an 11 year old girl who was allowed to walk 10 miles in the snow.
A judge agreed with a defense attorney yesterday that Kenneth Quintana shouldn't be charged because he didn't have custody of Sage Aragon and her brother Bear, 12.
Robert Aragon, the children's father, is charged with involuntary manslaughter and felony injury to a child.
Prosecutors say the two were driving the children to their mother's house on Christmas when their car got stuck in a snowdrift.
Grown man never left childhood
February 4, 2009 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I have been seeing "Rob" for over a year. We have loads of fun together and genuinely love each other. The problem is, Rob doesn't seem overly interested in moving in together, getting married, or having kids, and he knows that's a deal breaker for me. I can understand this hesitation about marriage. He was married before and his wife had children from her first marriage, but it didn't work out and they divorced years later.
We each have our own homes, but Rob will not consider selling his so we could get a place together. I think it's important for a couple to find a place they can both call home. His place is bigger, but it needs a lot of work. It's the home he grew up in, and it would always be his, not ours. Plus, his mom moved in with him a few years back and is still living there.
He's been saying for months that it's time for her to find her own place, but he won't discuss it with her. And she still makes his meals and does his laundry.
How can I make him see that at this stage in his life he should know what it's like to live on his own or he will never be able to figure out if he wants to have a life with someone else? I am not trying to force our relationship into marriage, but neither of us is getting any younger. When is it time to move on?
Nutcase in N.Y.
Dear N.Y.:
Yestereday. This is a grown man, still living in his childhood home with his mother who cooks and cleans for him. He's made it clear that he's not ready for marriage and may never want children. You can issue an ultimatum, since you'll have nothing to lose by walking away. Otherwise, decide whether you love him enough to stay in this situation indefinitely. We can't promise there will be anything more.
Dear Deanna!
When does an ex-boyfriend have the right to disrespect an old flame? My boyfriend and I split because we weren't compatiable. I thought we were on the same page until he started putting my business in the street.
He's talking about my credit problems, family drama, and he hurt me the most by telling his friends about my medical hygiene problems. I feel I'm doing the right thing by ignoring him. Elaine
Dear Elaine:
Any man, whether married, single, dating or divorced, who puts his woman on blast and tells her business after a breakup is a punk.
It's worse if they have children because he's disrespecting the woman and his kids. You're doing the right thing by giving him a deaf ear. Now you're able to see more about his character that led you to break up in the first place.
Keep holding your head high because in the end, he'll still look like a fool.
Did she get pregnant to trap him?
January 17, 2009 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I manage a very small office. Last year, I became involved with my employer and got pregnant. Fortunately, we grew to love each other and our child, and we are now married. Despite our rocky start, we are quite happy.
The problem is his family. They constantly make comments about our relationship and suggest to him that I became pregnant on purpose to trap him. I am at the end of my rope because of these hurtful remarks. How do I convince my husband that it is his responsibility to defend me? He says to do so would give his family the impression that he has blind faith in me as if that is a bad thing. Please help. I'm considering divorce over this. Office Sweetheart
Dear Sweetheart:
Apparently your husband thinks his family could be right, which is why he doesn't defend you. His lack of emotional support does not speak well for him and is damaging to your marriage. Ask him to go with you for counseling to clear the air and make sure your priorities are on the same page.
Deathrow Inmate Eats his own Eye
A Texas death row inmate with a history of mental problems pulled out his only good eye and told authorities he ate it.
Andre Thomas, 25, was arrested for the fatal stabbings of his estranged wife, their young son and her 13 month old daughter in March 2004. Their hearts also had been ripped out. He was convicted and condemned for the infant's death.
While in the Grayson Jail in Sherman, Thomas plucked out his right eye before his trial later in 2004. A judge subsequently ruled he was competent to stand trial.
On Dec. 9, a death-row officer at the Polunsky Unit of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice found Thomas in his cell with blood on his face and took him to the infirmary.
"Thomas said he pulled out his eye and subsequently ingested it," agency spokesman Jason Clark said Friday.
Thomas was treated at East Texas Medical Center in Tyler. Then he was transferred and remains at the Jester Unit, a prison psychiatric facility near Richmond southwest of Houston.
The Texas Court of Criminal Appeals in October upheld his conviction and death sentence for the death of 13 month old Leyha Marie Hughes. Also killed March 27, 2004, were his wife, Laura Christine Boren, 20, and their son, 4 year old Andre Lee.
Thomas, from Texoma, walked into the Sherman Police Department and told a dispatcher he had just murdered the three and had stabbed himself in the chest.
Dear Annie:
My daughter, "Felicia" is extremely bright, beautiful, and has a wonderful heart. However, I am concerned about her choice in boyfriends.
Felicia tends to take on the characteristics of whomever she is dating. She was engaged to "Bob" for five years. Bob never finished high school, had no intention of getting a GED, and moved from one job to another. He had no drivers license or car, so my daughter ferried him everywhere. Evenually she discovered Bob had been lying about a job and had stolen $1,000 from her bank account. When she confronted him, be became angry, took her car, and managed to wreck it to the tune of $3,000. He then called on his way out of state and said he would not be back.
Felicia worked very hard getting herself together. But now she has a new boyfriend whom she met about a month ago and the nightmare is beginnings all over again. "Sam" has no education, has lost his job, and will not communicate with my husband or me. Felicia is beginning to behave just like him. Her best girlfriend has noticed, it too.
I am at a loss to understand why she prefers these kinds of friends and have no idea how to get through to her. Any suggestions? Worried to Death
Dear Worried:
Either Felicia doesn't believe your reassurances, or she is rebelling by deliberately choosing men who will displease her parents. It's time to step back and let her make her own decisions, no matter how misguided. Some people only learn the hard way. Plaster a smile on your face and be friendly to the boyfriend. If she's rebelling, your acceptance will squash the need, and if she's lacking in self-esteem, your support will bolster her. Don't reject the man who could become her husband. She's going to need you.
Change schools to chase a dropout?
Dear Gwendolyn:
Last semester I made horrible grades. My GPA was 1.5 and I have a reasonable explanation for that. The problem is I want to change schools.
I met a man while working at a summer camp. He worked at the fast food restaurant. It was love at first sight. You would think I would not have been attracted to him as he was a permanent worker---school dropout.
When my parents discovered I wanted to change schools, they were furious. Where I now attend is affordable. However, I would like to be near my friend. The only college in the camp's small town is private and expensive.
I feel my parents are doing me wrong. They could sacrifice a little harder. Am I being selfish? Do I need to consider changing would be a hardship for them?
If I lived near him, I could convince him to go back to school and even to college. He was a dropout at age 16 and is now 36. We could get married after he graduates. My parents need to make me happy. Grace
Dear Grace:
Parents can make you happy as a child, but once you become an adult, happiness comes from the choices you make.
Let me tell you this: Sixteen year old dropouts usually hang on street corners wearing gold chains around their neck, diamonds on their fingers, and a Rolex watch on both wrists. This money, of course, is accomplished illegally.
After going from boy to man, they realize women of intelligence don't cross at that particular street corner. Therefore, they get a job at a fast food chain in a lucrative neighborhood. They have the knowledge to know women of quality will enter---just as you did.
Grace, put forward your best efforts and bring up your GPA. Concentrate on receiving your undergraduate degree and possibly going on to graduate school. The man you speak of has had 20 years to make something of his life. To quit college just to chase a high school dropout won't hurt your parents. Their hurt will only be temporary, but your hurt will be permanent.
Think about it. Uneducated men look for educated women who possess---a lack or common sense.
Dear Yo:
I am so lonely. I got out of a 7 year relationship and it's been a while since we have been together. The problem is I still love him. I know we are not right for each other and other then us having a child together we have nothing in common. We always argue and he is so immature. I don't think I really want to be with him. I am just lonely, so I am trying to find a good quality man to make me happy and cure the loneliness. I have started working out a lot to suck up some of my time but every woman wants a man to hold at night. Do you think I should take time for myself and my child and quit acting like a baby? Or should I give it a try for the millionth time? Lonely
Yo Lonely:
First off I want to say that I don't think that you are acting like a baby. You are acting like what you said you are...lonely. But don't let being lonely keep you in or make you go back to a situation that you seem to know is not good for you... Being in an unhealthy relationship is bad for you and your child. Arguing all the time and staying in a relationship just because you have a child together is a huge mistake that lots of people make all the time. I know it is easier said than done, but give it some time. Find activities for you and your child to participate in, or an organization to join, so you heal and get over this man. And yes, take time for yourself too.
Seven years is a long time to be with someone and your child binds you two forever, but at some point you have to move on. Working out is good, but there is plenty of things that you can do. Don't let wanting a man to hold you at night hold you back from your happiness. Love yourself and your child and when the time is right you will find that someone special to love you back.
Student Has Hard Choices to Make
February 27, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I am a college student, and I live with my boyfriend, who just lost his job. He's actively looking for a new one but hasn't had any luck yet.
As much as I enjoy my new found "grown up" life, I find it very hard to survive financially. I work full time and go to school in the evenings until midnight. My typical day lasts 16-18 hours, depending on homework. I don't have time for a second job. With student loans and car payments, insurance, and rent, my budget is so tight that if I go a penny over the amount allotted for gas, I am in the red.
I go to a private college, which means I'm applying for new school loans every seven weeks. When you have that many loans and not a long credit history, it's hard for anyone to apply for a personal line of credit. I'm at my wits' end. I don't know how to stay afloat. Any suggestions? Broke in Phoenix
Dear Broke:
Yes, but you may not like them. You can live with a roommate who is able to pay half the rent and all other joint expenses. You can find a cheaper place to live. You can get a better job or ask for a raise. You can move back into your parents' home temporarily. You can attend a public university. You can postpone college until you have saved up enough to go back to the school of your choice. It's nice to live independently, and all young adults should do so, but when you are drowning, you need to take whatever steps are necessary to get out of the ocean.
Should He Marry Her a Fourth Time?
Dear Gwendolyn:
During my senior year of high school I fell in love with a girl I just had to have. After graduation, she attended a local college and I accepted an academic scholarship out of the city.
We corresponded via telephne every night until my junior year. My parents were furious about the phone bills, but what can I say...I was in love. I would go home during Christmas break and spring break.
This is the problem: One weekend I decided to give her a surprise visit. When I went to her dormitory, I found her seated in the lounge in the arms of another man. I was so hurt. I told her to make a decision or forever exit my life. Gwendolyn, she made her choice. We married two weeks later and feeling I had responsibility, I didn't return to school. I got a job that paid minimal wage. Our marriage didn't last a year. We courted again and married for the second time. That marriage ended in divorce. We courted again and remarried for the third time. She got her degree, but explained she didn't care to be married to a drop-out.
By that time, I had lost my scholarship due to non-attendance. After our third divorce, she met a man, married him, then had twins. He left her and she now finds herself seeking child support.
I have a big problem: We have been seeing each other again and presently I am supporting the twins. She wants to marry me for the fourth time. I want to return to school to complete my degree. What should I do? Arnold
Dear Arnold:
Go back to school. Help your friend (your ex-wife of three times) to seek child support from the man who fathered the twins. You don't need to be in this picture. There's no place for you.
She already told you that your education is not of a status she wants in a husband. You never should have stopped your schooling in the first place. But as you say, you were in love.
Never think of marrying this woman again. Let me tell you this: Marriage is like a base ball game. Think about it. You had three strikes ----so you're out.
Dear Carolyn:
Is Divorcee Overlooking Signs?
I am a 25 year old divorcee. I've realized there were many warning signs that I ignored before and during my marriage. I've grown and learned a lot. I've now been dating a great guy for the last six months and am very much in love. I am happy and to be honest, it freaks me out! I am not used to someone being so sweet and kind, someone who does favors for me and such. We've discussed moving in together, but when people ask me how I feel about it, I really don't know. We spend most nights together and we're practically living together, but I wonder. I'm not sure if I think it's too soon or if I'm afraid of what other people will think. Is it too soon? Can someone really find love after a divorce that fast? Not Sure in Texas
Better question: Can someone really break an unhealthy pattern that fast? Bad relationships aren't just about choosing bad people: they're about making bad decisions for bad reasons.
You are, as you type, trying to talk yourself into something despite the little voice that's whispering, "too soon". Which, incidentally, is often the first draft of the more decisive: "This isn't the guy".
With your divorce, you came to recognize the warning signs that you ignored. Great. Except now you're ignoring a whole new set of warning signs. Maybe that's because they don't look like the clear warnings of hindsight. Instead, they're vague hesitations, much tougher to read.
For the sake of all involved, heed them. Wait till you're sure, sure. As in, sure. Maybe this is the guy, but you won't kill a healthy relationship by waiting. More important, you won't needlessly prolong a sick one by moving in. Most important, waiting lets you discern whether these surprising kindnesses and favors are really about love and respect, or just about sucking you in.
Dear Carolyn: I’ve noticed many of my friends date wonderful men who will make faithful husbands and good fathers, yet it’s not enough for us. I love my boyfriend’s kindness. But I get very sad when I think about all the ideas I’ve stopped trying to share with him-because of his niceness, in terms of intellectual discourse, often translates into blandness. In the end, is it better to be with a good financially stable, faithful husband and father, or wait for someone who might light more of that “spark”- even if they lack in other stability areas?
Or should we just wait for someone who suits us in both departments? I’ve heard the arguments that we’re “too picky”, and I am starting to believe them. Scared
If the “too picky” promoters will be waking up to-and making love to, talking money with, snapping irritably at, vacationing with, cleaning up after, laughing at the retelling of stories by-your boyfriend then you should hang on their every word.
“Too picky” is just one of the things you mention that are too broad and clichéd to have meaning. Another is that “stable” and “interesting” occupy opposite poles. Another is “many of my friends”. Only you know what you can’t live with (or without) because only you will be eternally living with (or without).
And if you’re not even sure how to figure the difference, look at your life on its face. Are you missing something? Are you sad without it? Then why do you doubt yourself?
This is the blank where someone always fills in, “Because nobody’s perfect.” Yes. True. So test the true weight of the imperfection by figuring out its remedy-outside the marriage.
If you read that and thought, sure, I can just join a book group and share ideas and be satisfied scratching that intellectual itch when I can, then, mazel tov.
But if you read that and thought, great, I get one non-boring conversation-or one laugh of one atta girl or one (ahem) or one whatever else is missing-a WEEK? From someone not my spouse? For the rest of my life? Then be true to your needs, and as picky as you want to be.
Mo. Man Jailed for Life for Child's Murder
November 21, 2008 The Blade
A man convicted of killing and beheading his then girlfriend's 3 year old daughter and dumping her body in the woods was sentenced yesterday to life in prison without the possibility of parole.
Before being sentenced, Harrell Johnson again stated that he was innocent of the 2001 murder of Erica Green. The girl's remains went unidentified for four years after they were found, during which time she was referred to by the community and in the news media as "Precious Doe".
Johnson, 29, was convicted last month of first-degree murder, endangering the welfare of a child, and abuse of a child.
Stepdad Guilty of Child Endangerment
3 year cap on prison time urged
January 6, 2009 The Blade
Alexander Schneider didn't have a criminal past, but his handling of his wife's newborn led him into handcuffs and may put him in prison.
After being interviewed by Lucas County Children Services and Toledo police, Schneider admitted squeezing the baby's legs together while changing her diaper, resulting in the break of the leg bone.
He also said that he had hit the child on the back to make her burp an action investigators said led to the broken rib.
Mr. Braun said that Schneider's frustration while trying to wrap the child in a blanket led him to handle her roughly, breaking the wrist bone.
Authorities said the child remains in the custody of her mother, who has since moved out of Toledo.
Dear Gwendolyn:
I have a problem. My boyfriend and I broke up due to the fact that he was cheating on me. I didn't tell him that I knew he was cheating and now I have it all stuck on my heart and mind.
I would like to tell him how I feel and let him know so I can heal. Do you think it is the right thing for me to let him know? He also disrespected my parents when we broke up by calling them profane names, etc. He is now banned from ever coming over.
Do you think that I should meet him maybe in the library or somewhere just to tell him everything that is on my heart? He has not called or anything, but he sent an email saying he was sorry. However, he only apologized to my mother and not my father. They didn't get along because my father felt he wasn't good enough for me.
Gwendolyn, I just want to heal and get everything that I feel off of my heart. I am 21 and my boyfriend is 22. Our relationship was not intimate. I believe in waiting until marriage.Although he has two children already. We dated for 10 months. Alice
Dear Alice:
Ten months? Girl, I thought you were 40 ending a relationship of 10 years. Let me tell yu this: Do not make an attempt to contact your boyfriend to let him know your feelings and broken heart. Apparently, he cheated on you because you have a firm belief to wait until marriage. That's good.
But what you don't understand is that a man can have an active sexual life---and still go out and cheat. Another thing you don't understand and that is many men like to meet a virgin and then set a goal to be her first.
You sent me a separate correspondence explaining that you had to quit school (doctor's advice) due to having a seizure which was brought on by a stroke that was brought on because you were stressed out over your relationship. My advice to you, Alice, is to focus on your health and when you have recovered from your illness, return to school----with your doctor's approval of course.
Alice, whether a 10 month relationship or a three year relationship, it hurts just the same and I understand that. However, you are young and the world can be yours if you make the right choices. And believe me, trying to meet your ex would not be fitting and proper. Forget him.
He's Stringing Someone Else Along
Hi Carolyn:
Say for instance a few years back, girl meets boy---it's love at first sight. They eventually get together, though break up a short time after, after and remain very good friends for years to follow.
Guy and girl still discuss their feelings for one another and have seriously considered marriage. However, guy has been seeing another woman for the last few years about whom he has admittedly lukewarm feelings, and says he doesn't know where things are going there. Girl can really envision a future with this guy.....
Is there anything she can do aside from being patient and seeing if there are new developments? Milwaukee
Yes. She can get her head out of her, uh, romance novel.
I can really envision your future with him,too:
You get along well, but he seems distant at times. You tell yourself this is normal, yet feel increasingly isolated. You speak up. Boy says you're imagining things. You see yourself clinging and hate it.
Then he says to the other girl they're "just friends" mind you----that things with you have been kinda lukewarm....It seems like a basic precaution not to make yourself available to anyone who openly declares that he's stringing along someone else. No one has everything, but every good mate will have these: compassion, conscience, spine.
Before you decide this warning: doesn't apply, make sure your justification passes the laugh test; "love at first sight" doesn't That is, unless you just prefer to have him string you along inside a relationship, inside of outside one.
Dear Gwendolyn:
I am writing to you at a low point in my life. I had a horrible childhood. My mother didn't want me. I, therefore, was sent to live from foster home to foster home. At 16 I became pregnant.
Two years after giving birth to my first child, the system found me an apartment. I was placed on zero rent. However, my live in boyfriend was stealing from the apartment maintenance storage, so I go evicted.
I went to live with my grandparents. When they went on vacation, I let my boyfriend stay there. He stole their electronic equipment so they asked me to leave. I then went to live in a homeless shelter. The system found another apartment. Again, I was placed on zero rent.
Gwendolyn, I thought my worker was for me, but later discovered she was against me. Late one night the Children Service worker came to my apartment with other people of authority. The caught me smoking weed and my boyfriend was on the floor drunk. They took my children.
When I went to court, the judge placed my two children into foster care. They said the children did not have their proper shots. Gwendolyn, why is it that people like myself have such a hard life? Shirley
Dear Shirley:
They make it hard themselves. If I took in stray men off the street, sat around smoking weed, my life would not be a joy. As a child, you had no choice but as an adult, you do.
Miss Lady, you haven't seen hard. Let's go back in time a bit: Women especially black women had children and many had to work in the fields, give birth and then go right back to picking cotton or whatever they were doing. They fed 8, 10, 12 or more children and, think about it, didn't have one dollar in food stamps.
Let me tell you this: To lose your children may be best for the children. I say this because you admitted to smoking weed. Your children don't need to see that.
Stop blaming society or the system for your unhappiness. People work hard and often for little pay. You had free rent, free food, I'm sure---and still you chose a downhill style of life.
The world is tired of all these young mothers like yourself singing a sad song. You know, it is past the time for the song's tempo to take an upbeat.
Mother not allowed contact with children
October 23, 2008 The Blade
A woman accused of leaving her 3 year old daughter with her fiance who was abusing the child was ordered during an arraignment yesterday to have no contact with any children, Toledo Municipal Court orders show.
Ms. Lusk's fiance, Troy Semenovich, 25, also of the Homer address, was arrested Monday after he slapped the toddler in the head, driving her into the kitchen stove, causing severe injury, court documents state.
Ms. Lusk, who has six children ranging in age from 1 to 8, was not home, police said.
Semenovich is not the girl's biological father, police said.
Update October 26, 2008: Child died from injuries
2 Killed in Columbus while 6 Children Slept
December 25, 2008 The Blade
One of the dead was April Lester, a 29 year old mother of three who relatives said was expecting her fourth child.
Neighbor John Wilson, 43, said he befriended the couple after they moved in. Both Ms. Lester and Mr. Taylor, whom he knew as Jeremy or 'Tex', called him 'Unc' because he was older.
He said he last saw Ms. Lester about midnight Tuesday, when she called him to ask for a cigarette. When he delivered it, Tex wasn't there.
In the past two weeks, Tex had told him "he had some problems with some guys," Mr. Wilson said. Mr. Wilson said he didn't pry but Tex was afraid to even walk to the neighborhood store for fear of running into them.
Relatives of Ms. Lester said they knew little about Mr. Taylor, whom Ms. Lester began dating about three months ago. They said he came from Texas.
Neighbor Brenda Johnson said Ms. Lester and Mr. Taylor had moved in several months ago. She said they often fought ---broken windows in the home were from two previous fights.
Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today
Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611
Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com
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