Dating

Dating
Article: Dating
Article: Online Dating
Chapter from Research before Romance (Dating)

Research before Romance-Dating by: T. L. Moss

So you've met him or her, now the hard work begins. Is it going to be a casual whenever we get together kind of thing? or is it going to be, are we going to work on something serious, eventually?

What do you know about him/her? Middle name, birthdate, birthplace?

Dating can be complicated whether or not you have children. Alot of time is wasted trying to find out what the other person wants or doesn't want. Alot of people lie in order to get what they want. Some men only want sex they don't want feelings, they don't want to spend any money, or time, with you they just want to get you in bed.

What's so sad about human nature is that people especially women are afraid to say no, because they want so much to be accepted, and liked. And it's because of this weakness, so many women and men are taken advantage of. For some women, any kind of man, is better than not having a man at all.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with doing some research---there is however everything wrong with telling the subject what you're doing, or what you've done. Why? It's irresponsible. If there's nothing, there will be trust issues, and this is no way to start a relationship. And if the person is hiding something, and you share the fact that you've done some research, you might have more problems, than you're in a position to handle.

I know of several people who are dating and what I observe from the outside looking in, isn't a good thing.
I've heard from some 'oh you're miserable' you don't have anyone, you're single, blah blah blah. Say what you want, but I'm very happy being single. And finally unlike you, I'm selective.

Picky, however you want to put it. And right now, my life revolves around me and no one else.

I've watched and listened to acquaintances who are all excited about someone on Tuesday, and by Thursday that person is not mentioned again. What's happened is, that 'person' got what they wanted from this acquaintance and has moved on. You see, these acquaintances, bring nothing to the table but pretty faces and body parts nothing more. I don't apologize for being blunt, we're all adults here.

These women have nothing to offer, and think all they have to do is pose, and lay out the entree, men of substance want more than that, it's 2009, that just isn't what works anymore.

Dating is a way to find out about each other, and it's also a time to make the right choices. If the other person is doing things you don't like, it's time for you to make the right decision. You can't change these habits, so leave. However, if you are compatiable, and there's a couple of things that aren't a dealbreaker, maybe you've hit the jack pot.

Research before Romance Online Love by: T. L. Moss

Step away from the screen, if your not going to do a little research, about someone you've met on line. Take a minute to remember that you are dealing with the unknown. Over the years I have met several men and women that have met what they thought was the love of their lives, only to find out that it was all a lie.

When I got a virus in my computer, early in my research, and couldn't afford to get it fixed right away, I went to the local library. Between projects, I looked around me at the men and women on the keyboards, many were in chatrooms, others were sending messages to unknowns at the other end.

I observed several men come in at exactly the same time everyday, each wore a wedding band, and they exchanged messages with someone, who I must believe were not their wives.

While living in southern California I met a woman who was communicating with a man online. Everyday, all day she was messaging back and forth. She shared, that they were planning a life together, and it was just a matter of time before, she packed up her world and joined him.

The picture of the romeo was that of an attractive man, with a full head of hair, a muscular body, and a beautiful smile. She explained proudly that he was a college graduate working in Silicon Valley. Why I asked, would a man that looks like that, be searching for a woman online? when he could meet someone where he was? I got the same answer I've heard dozens of times before, he was busy pursuing his career, and meeting women online was easier.

If he could be messaging all day long, what kind of job did he have? this I wondered to myself, "because I asked too many questions", and she started getting defensive.

Well to make a long story short, she arranged to meet him, and discovered that the man she was in love with
wasn't who he said he was at all. The picture was of his nephew, her Romeo, was 62, bald, toothless, and lived in a trailer, on disability with his wife of 45 years. You'd think this kind of betrayal would make her pop a gasket, but the truth did the opposite. She packed all her belongings, rented out her house, gave away her dog, and last I heard she purchased a trailer, a couple of lots down from his.

Then there was another friend girl who met a man on line. He came out west to visit her, and while there, he told her that he had lied about a couple of things. He was still married but getting a divorce, he didn't own his own home, he lived in his sisters basement, he wasn't college educated, he dropped out of high school.
He didn't make 50k a year, but was working a 40 hour week making $1,600 a month, and he had 3 kids, not 1.

That, should have been a deal breaker, but it wasn't she left home and returned with him to the Midwest.

I have met couple's that met on line, and they are compatiable, and lived happily ever after. It happens.
But, it would be to your advantage to do a little research before you start spending money, and arranging to spend any time with a stranger.

Research before Romance-Dating
What Makes Men Fall in Love
Yanking Him back from the Brink
Searching for Love on Online
Standard Suggestions
Are you Flirting?
No Call Backs
And Why Not?
Dating Again
Dating and Dinner
For the Bereaved
Daughter Doesn't Approve
Haunted
How to Date Again
Blind Date
Say No with a Little Class
Refuse: No more Requests
Stop Being Nice
Boyfriend's Hygiene
Refuse: Ensure Another's Request
Greg I Get It!
Dutch
Sharing Expenses
Following the Rules
Double Standards
Same Sex Dating
Wandering Eye

Before going out to a movie, my husband and I stopped at the town dump to drop off some garbage. As I waited for him in our pickup truck, a man walked by.

Glancing at my dress and jewelry, he said, "I certainly hope this isn't your first date." Vida McHoes

Dating Secret: What Makes Men Fall in Love
It's a baffling dating question: Is there some specific moment or event that makes a guy suddenly decide "Yes, I think I love her?" Well, the answer isn't clear-cut, but there are some general dating principles.

"Men have certain innate needs that must be met before they truly feel connected to you," says Paul Dobransky, MD, author of "The Secret Psychology of How We Fall in Love." When a guy realizes consciously or not, that you're ideal on all these levels, that's when he'll committ."

Boiled down, guys have four primal relationship desires that are sometimes sated by the tiniest of dating moves by you. Here, expert explain with examples so you can put these dating insights to use when your guy is at the brink.

The Desire: To Protect
Believe it or not, the so-called stoic sex is hardwired to nurture. Sheltering you from harm makes him feel studly which makes him feel good. "Not that you should act helpless, but letting him see your vulnerable side will bring him closer because it unlocks his instincts to take care of you, says David Givens, PhD, author of Love Signals." So give him chances to take charge, and thank him after he does. When a guy associates you with feeling like Superman, of course he'll want to couple up. These little things can draw out his hero side.

Give him a job
Ask him to fix or build you something. Performing concrete tasks is a way of bonding that enhances his sense of success.

Ask his opinion
Whether it's about your 401k options or the best travel sites, it telegraphs that you value his brain as much as you do his brawn.

Wear soft materials
Delicate textures like rayon, silk, and faux fur trigger an intense response in single men. These fabrics accentuate your softer, feminine nature, which heightens his amourous instincts.

Don his clothes
It shows that you've chosen him over other guys.

The Desire: Freedom
Even emotionally healthy single men want assurance that their identities will stay put after they've become half a happy couple. "By making it clear that you don't expect your guy to change, he'll feel like you truly understand him but don't threaten his sense of self, says Dan Neuharth, Phd. author of "Secrets You Keep From Yourself." "That leaves him feeling on sturdy enough ground to commit."

Blow him off
Single men hate the idea of being tied down socially, so turn down occasional plans. He'll not only feel easier and open up more around you, but he'll also start to wonder what you're doing and pursue you more.

Share your own fears
Guys often hold back because they think most chicks are baby hungry ring hunters. So if you feel nervous about committing, let him know. He'll be reassured that you're navigating new waters too, not trying to trap him.

Reinvent yourself
Little changes in your appearance now and then say, hair up in a pony tail one day, down the next, etc. remind him that you've got zillions of facets to your personality too. Read: no rut risks.

Respect his privacy
A physical space that's totally his is a huge symbol of independence to a man. Signal that you respect that by say, staying out of desk drawers and not peeking at his caller ID when his phone rings.

The Desire: To Shine
Maybe he's cocky, but he's still insecure. Trust us, guys need to know that they're respectedand appreciated. "When being around you increases a guy's esteem, both internaly and in the eyes of others, he'll naturally want to be attached to you." says Dr. Dobransky. Here, things that show your high value and nudge him toward love.

Make him happier
Laugh when one of you loses balance during an intimate moment. Go to stupid movies. Drag him out when he's crabby. If you can keep things light, even during stressful times, you'll become indispensable.

Be a social butterfly
Guys are good at left brain stuff, like sales and sports, but can get awkward when it comes to social graces. Take the lead and charm the people you meet and he'll be extra grateful to have you. But he may take credit for making those new friends....whatever.

Play mind games
Activities that require mental prowess like Scrabble, puzzles and chess can prod his passion. It sounds nuts, but proof of your problem solving abilities subconsciously show him you're a desirable choice for carrying on his genes.

Act like the grand prize
Seeing your through other people's eyes reminds him how special you are. Invite him to an event where you'll excel (whether it's karaoke or a fun run), or have him stand between you and another man you think is getting too close at a bar.

The Desire: Comfort
"Falling in love is a process of developing attachment, which happens when oxytocin floods the brain," says Alan Hirsch MD neurological director of the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation. You can unleash those love hormones by making him feel like you two just "fit". When he's so comfortable with you that he stops thinking about your relationship and simply enjoys it, he'll find himself nudged into love territory.

Let him see you primp
Grooming in front of him enhances intimacy because it's something other guys don't get to witness. Just keep it goddesslike (applying lipstick or powder), not gross bleaching your moustache.

Cook together
Being around food spikes oxytocin levels in males. The more often you prep dinner a deux, the more he'll associate you with the good feelings he gets from eating it.

Stock your pad
When buying groceries you don't have a preference on, get a brand he uses. He'll subconsciously feel at home at your place. Catnap near him or let yourself doze off in his arms so he sees you in your most trusting completely relaxed state.

What Yanks Him Back from the Brink
Some factors can derail a guy who's about to fall.

1)They get a New Opportunity
A promotion often means spending more hours at work. Instead of balancing that with their love lives, guys tend to prioritize their careers and believe that a solid relationship will endure the delay. So if something big is brewing, he may hold himself back.

2) You Never Fight
Sure, guys hate arguing, but it's worse if you don't react negatively at all when he's screwed up. A guy will worry that a) you're going to lash out later b) you're a doormat, or c) you're not into him enough to care. Any of these will make him rethink your budding relationship.

3) Pure Panic
Many single men worry that if they commit, they'll have to give something up---friends, dart night, something. So when a guy realizes he's fallen for you, he may freak out and pull away for a while. If you can weather his big baby behavior without reacting in a way that confirms those fears, he should snap out of it.

Better Business Bureau Free Report
Searching for Love Online
If you are considering the assistance of an online dating service, keep in mind that all services are not created equal. But, if you choose wisely, you could have a rewarding experience.

Start by selecting a site that seems likely to attract the type of person you want to meet. Also, look for a site that enforces behavioral standards and provides a respectful and supportive environment. Know what you can reasonably expect from the service balanced against the investment you will be making. The assistance of some of these matchmaking services does not come cheap. The fees can range anywhere from $4,000 to as much as $25,000.

Standard Suggestions
I will not go out with a man who hasn’t asked me out first.

I will not go out with a man who keeps me waiting by the phone.

I will not date a man who isn’t sure he wants to date me.

I will not date a man who makes me feel sexually undesirable.

I will not date a man who drinks or does drugs to an extent that makes me uncomfortable.

I will not be with a man who afraid to talk about the future.

I will not, under any circumstances, spend my precious time with a man who has already rejected me.

I will not date a man who is married.

I will not be with a man who is not clearly a good, kind, loving person.

You are Flirting Aren’t You?
Having It All Helen Gurley Brown
Pick somebody not “over your head”…too brassy to flirt with the famous author or chairman of your company or anybody you seem to like better than he likes you. Flirting is only comfortable if you are comfortable and feel “equal”.
Flatter outrageously. No lengths are too far to go.

Convince him (if not yourself!) his remarks are the most amusing you ever heard.
Tease. “I can’t believe anybody with such a flat stomach is only going to have one tablespoon of chocolate mousse.” If I thought I’d meet anyone as interesting as you at the Cordon Bleu cooking class, I’d register tomorrow!” How do you get your sideburns to do that?”
Gaze at him. Never look away, no matter what they’re doing across the room.
Do not say anything naughty or risqué. That would spoil everything.
Think of yourself as a totally assured, mischievous, slightly naughty but not taking the whole thing too seriously participator. If the flirting isn’t working, stop. There’s always another “victim”. You are just trying to keep the good difference-the sexual polarity between men and women-alive.

Dear Ann Landers:
I’m a 6 foot 2 inch, 180 pound male and considered attractive. I have a master’s degree and hold an excellent position. I dress well and work out to stay in shape. I always pick up the lady on time, take her to the best and most interesting place I can afford, and behave like a gentleman. I often hear comments such as “I’ve always wanted to go there, but no one has ever taken me. Thank you”. Or “You’re so easy to talk to” or “It’s so nice to meet a guy who knows how to treat a lady”.

So what’s the problem? I never see them again. They thank me for the lovely evening, but when I ask them out a second time, they are “busy”. After three rejections, I simply give the lady my phone number and ask her to call me when she has some free time. After 12 years of dating, not one of these women has ever called me back.

When I pressed some of these women to tell me what was wrong, they said, “It’s not you, it’s me” or “You’re just too nice”. These are not airheads. Most of my dates are college-educated career women.

Occasionally, I hear news about some of the women I have dated. I cannot count the number who taken up with guys who are liars, freeloaders or drunks, and some are even physical abusers. I’m beginning to think all women are masochists.

I am tired of hearing that same old complaint, “There are no nice guys”. Maybe my letter will help women recognize their self-destructive behavior and the result will be better relationships for all concerned.
M.F. in Michigan

Dear Michigan:
I am stumped. Baffled. Don’t have a clue. You sound like the answer to a single girl’s prayers.

I’m going to tell you exactly what I told a woman who wrote a similar letter complaining that no man ever asked her out a second time although they all said that she was great company and a lot of fun and they they’d had a terrific evening.

Talk to five people who know you well-good friends, clergyman, your doctor, people who work with, and some of the women you’ve taken out. Ask for a totally honest appraisal. If you can’t get satisfaction, consider a few sessions with a counselor. It is obvious to me that something about you needs fixing.

Dear Ann Landers:
Your mind must have gone on vacation before your body did. That guy who hasn’t had a date since his divorce 10 years ago told you he thought women were interested in a man’s looks. You told him he sounded terrific and to hang in there because someday the right woman would come along.

Why didn’t you tell him the same thing you tell women who can’t get a date-that something about him must turn them off? Here’s a list of questions to ask him.

Are you well-groomed? A lot of men who feel they aren’t handsome give up on their looks entirely. Do you bathe and change your clothes regularly? Is your hair clean? Are you still wearing the glasses you had in high school?

Are you sensible about diet and exercise? A 300 pound couch potato isn’t going to attract a lot of women.

Do you talk about yourself all evening and never ask a question?

Are you informed about world affairs, or do you read only the sports page?

Is your idea of a “fun evening” four hours in front of the tube with a six-pack?

Are you self centered and stubborn? Do you insist on having your way and grumble if you don’t get it?

Can you discuss an issue in a civilized manner and perhaps even admit you were wrong once in a while?

Do you come off looking desperate? It’s a standard assumption that women want to get married and men avoid commitment, but it’s been my experience that often the opposite is true. Most women will be scared off by a man who is too eager to get married, especially if his last marriage was unsuccessful.

Finally, this guy reads the personal ads looking for a woman. Tell him to get a life. He should become involved in church or community affairs, politics, a club or a charity. A man who expects his girlfriend to provide him with a social life is no prize. H.D. Santa Fe, N.M.

Dear H.D: Right on. Thanks for sitting in my chair today.

Dating Again
Source: Having It All Helen Gurley Brown

Oh my, what a scruffy bunch, those early arrivals! Have Frank and Terry lost their minds to think you’d want to go out with, let alone form an attachment with, this thing they must have dredged up from the bottom of Lake Erie? Some recoverers won’t even accept blind dates-life is too short and all that.

Okay, stay choosy and exclusive, but I always thought it better to date all the men one could muster, hustle or be fixed up with quite soon after the fall. You’re not really going to be over “him” for possibly a year or longer, and I don’t see how you can wait that long to begin a new life. These new people take your mind off your dumb broken heart. Even if they are second-rate, you have to pay attention when they talk, make an effort. I just always liked having men-a man-around and thought of the sad, lovely Cole Porter ballad from Can-Can-“It’s the wrong time and the wrong place, tho’your face is charming, it’s the wrong face; it’s not his face but such a charming face that it’s all right with me…” even if he was decidedly not Burt Reynolds. One didn’t have to sleep with him but one could get something from the encounter, even if just a better fix on his field… politics, law, architecture.

So you ask your friends who Know People to fix you up…you do accept blind dates. You do not require that every evening with a stranger-or friend-be meaningful. You ask men to a movie, lecture, exhibit, concert….you cook for them, but don’t pick on people too far over your head or you’ll get your feelings hurt by their rejection. You bless every late afternoon coed business meeting that lasts through dinner.

Just being with men is important, but remember, you are not desperate. Desperate women do not find anybody. You are open, friendly, tolerant and reasonably patient. One day you get back in the swim sexually. A divorcee I know, sexually and emotionally dormant for two years after her divorce, recently went to bed with a man and said it was not good. “He’s dull out of bed so why would he shine there, but he’s turned me out.” -Las Vegas expression for a man, who sleeps with a girl, gets her hooked on him, then “turns her out” to sleep with other men, possibly as a prostitute. My friend has now been “turned out”, not like the Las Vegas girl, but freed to sleep with and get sexually interested in men again. The bland man did that for her. God forbid it should take you a smidgeon that much time.

Well, finally, one day you are over him. They bring out the old pulp tester to see if there’s any life left in the tooth (your late love affair) and there isn’t… Eventually you will be a bit aghast, maybe even ashamed, that you ever took him so seriously…Him? Why couldn’t you just have enjoyed the sex and headiness of it all without being so federal case out of your brain about him? You couldn’t. You never can, and you must never apologize to yourself for the man you’ve given all that passion to. He was the one at the time, and if you cared, you cared. God bless.

Do the math: Dinner is best way to woo women
Source: The Blade August 2005

Forget expensive presents or costly jewelry. Wining and dining is the best way for men to woo women, scientists said recently.

Researchers at Imperial College London developed a mathematical formula and modeled courtship as a sequential game to find the best way to impress the ladies.

Their results show that offering an expensive present signals the man’s serious intentions, but he must be wary of being exploited by gold diggers who will dump him after receiving the gift.

“Guys are less likely to offer expensive gifts to females they don’t have a long-term interest in. And girls won’t be impressed with cheap gifts. By offering expensive but worthless gifts, such as dinner and theatre trips, the male pays no cost if the invitation isn’t accepted”, said Peter Sozou, of University College London. If women are not interested they are unlikely to accept the invitation, according to the research published in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society of London B.

Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today

Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611

Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com