Body Language

Body Language
Article: Body Language
Chapter from Research before Romance (Body Language)

Research before Romance-Body Language by: T. L. Moss

Exactly what can you say about observing body language? it says alot. Your eyes, twitches, crossed arms, quivering lips, crossed legs, stuttering voice, and then there are many other signs of stress, anxiety, discomfort, and yes, lying.

I want to know if and why my significant other is lying to me. Not looking you directly in the eye, this is the first sign of a lie.

Watching an ex interact with an ex acquaintance of mine---that was many years ago, I felt suspicious.My mother told me this woman was having an affair with him, and I didn't believe her, until I saw them together. Their body language, the way they looked at each other, their body language told me they had been intimate.

I visited this woman 19 years later as her guest. I don't know how the subject came up, but there was a disagreement about something. I blurted out that, I knew about my ex and her. Her face said everything---I got my answer, and she didn't have to say a word. Plus, she didn't deny it.

Learning about body language tells you everything you need to know. It's not just the things they say, but clearly what they won't say, or the way they say it.

If you know someone is lying to you again and again, why are you subjecting yourself to this hurtful behavior? Remember this, if you accept it, and don't speak out, they will continue to do it again and again.
Why? because they know you're going to forgive them. Let him/her lie to someone else. Depending on what they're lying about.... For instance.

Do I look good in this dress? okay say yeah, you look great! Did you sleep with the next door neighbor? uhhh no why would you ask me that? the uhh is a dead give away, and the way they looked away when they said it, should have you thinking about knowing all you can about your significant other, and mastering the art of body language.

Research before Romance-Body Language
Wandering Eye
Still Doesn't Know the Guy
Reading Body Language
Gut Whisperer
Know If Someone's Lying
I Get It!
Know if Someone Likes You

Companion Can’t Keep Mind on Conversation
Dear Miss Manners:
In what manner should a person act, in a conversation, when the other person tunes out of the talk for a brief time because they are distracted?

I have a male friend I meet with for coffee. If an attractive woman comes by, he will stare at her and ignore our conversation for 10 or so seconds, and then resume.

If I happen to be talking at the time, I’m not sure what to do. I usually keep talking, until my friend rejoins the conversation. But I find it embarrassing. I feel awkward talking when no one is listening, and I think his behavior is rather rude.

This has happened to me only a few other times in my life, when a person is distracted when I am talking, and I never know what to do. I work hard at being a good conversationalist and listener, trying to steer the conversation in the direction of the other person’s interests.

Gentle Reader:
Because you are not steering the conversation in the direction of your friend’s immediate interest. You might try that. Not ogling women, which is a nasty habit. But asking him brightly, “Who’s that?” Do you know her? Should we go over and say hello?”

If he has any sense, he will retreat hastily, saying “No, I was mistaken; I don’t know her” and return his attention to you. You will probably have to do this on more than one occasion, but Miss Manners is confident that he will eventually learn that having this exchange yet again is not sufficient compensation for those fleeting glances.

After Four Years, She Still Does Not Know the Guy
Dear Deanna!
I have been dating a guy for four years and he claims that he loves me. However, I often wonder how we can love one another when we really do not know each other.

We never go out together although we spend time at each other’s home. He blames it on his job. It is true he works a lot, but I feel that if you really want to be with someone you will make time.

I turned 40 on my birthday and feel it is time to move on. Jeanette

Dear Jeanette:
There is a huge communication gap in this relationship. It is odd to be with someone for four years and still fall short on quality time.

He is simply not into you but you have made it easy for him to be in this relationship. You should get a new attitude and lay your cards on the table and express your desires.

If he still wants to be dead weight, using his job as an excuse, then hit the road and do not look back.

Read Your Date’s Body Language
Sometimes seeing someone, you have a crush on results in telltale physiological signs.

Does the person in question blush when you look at her? Her sympathetic nervous system is probably going into overdrive. Does she jumble her words when talking to you?

See if the person mirrors your motions: When you lean back, he leans back; when you put your elbows on the table, he does the same.

Note whether this person sits or stands in the open position-that is, facing you with arms uncrossed, or crossing her legs in your direction if the person is a woman.

Does he move closer to you and/or touch you subtly, such as patting your hand or touching your cheek?

Look for other elements of body language such as frequent eye contact, holding your gaze and looking down before looking away, energetic speech coupled with open hands, or flashing palms.

Does the person you are wondering about just plain smile at you a lot?
Positive Body Language
Notice if your date’s posture is good yet relaxed. A slouched date probably is not having a good time. A date who is sitting up is paying attention.

Observe whether your date makes good eye contact. If he keeps looking into your eyes, you have got it made.

Is your date leaning forward? Then you are not a stranger anymore.

Be aware of any physical contact. Holding hands is a great sign.

Notice if your date has her palms up, which indicates friendly warmth.

Know that your date is listening to you if he nods at appropriate times during conversation; this indicates that your words are being heard.

Pay attention to whether your date is in sync with you and constantly reflecting your behavior. Does she shift in her seat when you do? Does he pick up your speed and tone when he is speaking? This occurs unconsciously and indicates a good rhythm between you- it is not just a copycat game.

Negative Body Language
Take note if your date’s arms are crossed. This suggests there is a wall between the two of you.

Beware if your date is yawning. This is a bad sign-unless it is because she was up all night thinking about you.

See if your date is nodding at inappropriate times or seems to be nodding constantly during your conversation. Your date may be thinking about something else.

Is your date looking at everything but you? Be worried.

Notice if your date is keeping some distance between you. Personal space is one thing, but if you date is not standing next to you when you are waiting in a movie line together, that is a bad sign.

The Gut Whisperer
Listening to your body can help you know yourself, make decisions, solve problems, go for what's good for you and avoid what's bad. Psychotherapist Nancy Napier has a few exercises for tuning in.

A Danger Radar
Your gut feelings can tell you quickly and clearly whether a person or situation is good or bad for you, but you may need some help tuning in. Remember a time when you came away from an encounter not feeling great about it, or yourself, but with no real clarity about why. Notice what happens in your body now when you think about that experience. Check in with your gut first, then your shoulders, arms, legs, and any other part of your body that calls your awareness. Are you tense or relaxed? Do you feel comfortable or uncomfortable? Take some time to let your physical sensations register, an notice what they tell you about the person or situation, and about how you were affected. For example, you might sense a knotting in your stomach, a tightening in your throat, or simply that your body isn't feeling good--and you'll notice that response when someone's saying something sarcastic to you or not following through with a promise.

There may also be times when your gut is screaming at you that something is wrong but it's actually responding to a trauma or stress in the past. That's because the present situation is acting as a trigger. The gift from the gut here is that you have an opportunity to become more aware of and resolve an old issue that may be getting in your way today.

As you move through the day, practice being physically aware and notice how your body reacts to people and situations. If you begin to be uncomfortable when you thought everything was okay, this is important information.

You don't have to act on it right away, but you will know more about how you really feel than you did before.

Know if Someone is Lying
Look for body language that might indicate someone is lying, such as not looking you in the eye when speaking to you, being fidgety, or acting nervous or uncomfortable.

Listen for inconsistencies in what the person tells you, such as different stories on different days, different time frames, and mistakes in remembering details or mixing up details.

Notice if the person steadfastly resists answering any of your questions. Extreme defensiveness could mean that he or she is hiding something.

Notice if the person accuses you of lying or being deceitful when you have not been. This could reflect the accuser’s own underlying behavior, which he or she is projecting onto you rather than owning up to.

Listen to your gut and intuition. You may just know someone is lying. If you are not sure, do not jump to conclusions. Try to get some evidence to back up your hunch.

Consider asking directly if the person has lied to you. Many people feel bad getting caught lying and find it a relief to finally be honest.

Try to be understanding and listen to the person’s reasons for lying. Was he trying not to hurt you? Was she afraid you would be angry or upset?

Look at your possible role in the situation. Are you someone who gets so upset hearing the truth that others feel they can’t be honest with you?

Getting Ahead with Dr. Warren
Q:What's the one essential quality to a successful relationship that most people overlook?

A:Honesty. I find singles are too forgiving of people who lie to them. They think they won't lie the next time. But liars tend to be liars.

Greg, I Get it! -Corinna, age 35
I was dating a guy for a couple of months when it suddenly dawned on me that he didn’t seem particularly excited about me. In the past, that would have made me try harder, make excuses for it, and even confront him with it. Instead I did a little experiment. I assumed he just wasn’t that into me and I stopped calling him. As I suspected he never called me again! I can’t believe how much time I saved just by recognizing that I was the one doing all the work, and that I wanted more!

Know if Someone Likes You Romantically
Pay attention to your conversations with the person in question. Does this person show a special interest in talking with you and, once it’s started, make an effort to keep that conversation going?

Does this person “accidentally” run into you in places where he knows you will be, such as at your desk? At the Laundromat on Tuesdays? At your brother’s birthday party?

Notice whether this person mentions future plans to spend time with you: “That band is coming to town soon. We should really get tickets.

Notice if the person is making an effort to spend time alone together. Canceling other plans in order to be with you longer, or finding excuses not to leave, could be a sign of romantic interest.

Has the person been calling for seemingly random reason, such as, “ I was wondering if you knew what that pizza place down the street is called?,” followed by, “ Are you hungry?”.

Has the person taken a sudden interest in your life and hobbies? This is a sign that she is interested in something-and it’s probably not your stamp collection.

Observe how the person acts around your friends-he might be extra friendly to your closest pals for a reason.

Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today

Advice Columnist:
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Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com