Self Esteem

Self Esteem
Article: Self Esteem
Article: Followers
Article: Pleasers
Article: Treatment of Others
Chapter from Research before Romance

Research before Romance-Self Esteem by: T. L. Moss

Having self esteem will protect you from having your heart broken. You will find yourself being selective, and associating yourself with people like yourself, who are sensitive and care about the feelings of others.

You won't find yourself in drama filled environments, in bed with men/women who just want to add another name to their roster, or in the company of individuals. who need someone as an alibi, or personal ATM.

If you care about yourself you won't find yourself with a house full of children, and no child support. Men will select good women who take great pride in themselves, their homes and careers.

Surrounding yourself with people who like yourself are motivated and responsible. Individuals who are discreet with morals and standards, people who will not just look the other way, but will avoid being in a bad situation all together.

How many different ways can you say you go through life in the safety zone? You do what your supposed to do, including taking the time to safeguard your life and all that's important to you.

Having self esteem means being responsible enough to look past the beautiful face or the kind words. If you are a kind and considerate person, you will be the subject of many a weak minded persons who are drawn to your strength, and glowing power stream. It is up to you to protect yourself.

Many people mistake self esteem, for arrogance and self confidence. Well, as far as I'm concerned that's okay. It keeps the vultures away, they may fly by, but they won't usually stop, because they know they'll be shooed away. Keep it simple but keep it real. You will not have a problem with predators seeking you out, if you keep your guard up. As long as you ask questions, you won't have any drama in your life. But as soon as you stop wondering why, or how things will happen, is when the problems may start trinkling in.

Once you make up your mind to follow through on your dreams, focus on what you want and who you want in your life, and visualize how you want you life to be patterned, only good things will happen for you.

And the most important part of this journey is to understand and take hold of self esteem. Don't buckle under stress to do things you don't want to do. Know how to distance yourself from individuals who are heading to hell with a one way ticket. Don't be afraid of being rejected because you don't want to roll with them, into their dsyfunctional lives.

Maintain your principles, and never be afraid to say no, try not to say I'll think about it, when it pertains to relationships or romance. Know what you want, and don't be weak, and say maybe, you'll regret it.

One thing you can work on, is how to reject someone nicely, the it's not you, it's me, is a good way to go. Work that angle. But always remember when you have self worth you have options. And finally how we portray ourselves is usually what we attract, if you feel good about yourself, you'll only attract good.

Research before Romance-Followers by: T. L. Moss

The Follower, is another type to avoid. They have self esteem issues, and like the pleaser they need attention, and approval, and unforunately they need this from people who don't deserve it.

They usually aren't the one's that jump and run for anyone who calls, all the time, but the company they keep is usually.....foul. The people are not the kind of company you want to leave in your home unsupervised. Or the kind of people you want to know, that you're out of town.

A big story in my hometown was about the shooting of a young man. One night, I don't know if he knew
his childhood 'friends' were going to rob someone, but he was in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong people. After robbing the man, the group left town, the young man didn't. He was shot dead at a local bar. Revenge for a robbery he wasn't a part of.

The fact that he wasn't a part of the robbery, was revealed nearly 15 years after his death.

Recalling a story I read over 10 years ago, while living in California comes to mind, when I thought about this article. A young husband and father was at home with his wife and new born son. A friend who had been thrown out of a local bar, knocked on the door. He wanted revenge on the bouncer. The young father, left his wife and son, and followed the friend to the bar.The guy shot and killed the bouncer, and the friend who followed, was sentenced to life in prison, the killer was given the death sentence.

Again another extreme story, but one that gets to the point. If your dating someone who has associates that do things that could cause problems in your life, then you may wish to rethink the relationship. It's just not worth the drama that will keep your world turned upside down.

A follower can't just change this behavior, even after being taken advantage of by their so called friends time and time again. You'll be constantly giving him/her an alternative, it's either them or me. Then you'll find yourself sitting in the badguy box, with a significant other who's resenting you for making them choose between his friends and you.

A recent story in the newspaper, made my blood crawl. A guy unhappy with a half finished tattoo, decides to get revenge on the artist. He gets 3 of his 'friends' to go with him to the man's house. They were charged with home invasion, robbery, and rape. So, 3 men's lives are totally destroyed, because their friend was upset over an unfinished tattoo.

Then there's the story of the guy at the barber shop, he doesn't like the way the stranger looked at him. He gets on the phone and calls a couple of buddies, who come into the barber shop blasting. What they didn't know was the man who returned their friends 'look' was carrying a gun. He shot and killed one of the guys, and the 'friend' who initiated the shootout------ran. And at the time of the story, law enforcement were still looking for him.

The young man who returned the 'look' wasn't charged. It was self defense.

Real friends don't bring people they care about,into situations that could cost them their freedom or their lives.

The conclusion of the story, you may be at the losing end of this game. More than not, the follower will choose his friends, regardless of the consequences.

Followers are usually very inmature, their little minds are underdevelopered, and they tend to just not 'get it'.You'll forever be disappointed, frustrated, and eventually unhappy that you've decided to put a puzzle together, that doesn't have all the pieces.

Research before Romance-Pleasers by: T. L. Moss

A pleaser is a joy to be around, but not if they're your significant other. As a giver myself, I've become selective with, who get's my attention, or anything else of value. Over the years, I quietly have found this type of personality, how do I say this without sounding nasty, ahhhh irritating.

Okay, the first couple of weeks it's nice, by the third week, it's okay, and by day 30 the deadline, it's a little much. Sure let me repeat myself, it's wonderful to be adored, and catered too, but when they have to please everybody, it's a big red flag.

Because he was such a sweetheart, he was targeted by alot of takers, and this is what bugged me. He'd jump up to do a favor for anyone who asked, day or night. They'd borrow his car, his clothes, money, credit cards, but when his time wasn't his own anymore, I'd had enough.

It was too important that he be liked, accepted. His family were the worst takers. They took advantage like no one else. He was always there when they called, the beeper, the cellular, the landline, at work, at home, at the gym, it never ended.But what was so sad about his adventures as a gofer, was that he was never appreciated. I rarely heard anyone say thank-you, nor did I see anyone return a favor.

One night he was stranded, the friend that borrowed his car, failed to pick him up from work. He couldn't get anyone in his family to come get him, or any of the people who regularly borrowed from him. He told me the reason he didn't call me, was because he didn't want to hear a 'I told you so speech'.

I finally told him I'd had enough, I really cared about him, and actually didn't bother with the it's not you, it's me speech, because this was one time this speech didn't apply.

When I ran into him years later, he told me that he had been taking care of his parents, and not surprising, his siblings didn't help. He did get married, but it didn't last, she filed for divorce. He gave her half of everything, because he didn't do a prenup before they married. They only had been married for 2 years.

He had married a taker, she didn't earn half of his home or his belongings, but she got it.

If you know your significant other is being taken advantage of, you can do one of two things. Be the never ending enforcer and fight off the takers day and night. You'll find yourself the bad guy/girl, and eventually he/she will go behind your back to do for everyone you're trying to get rid of. Or you can just sit back and let him/her be taken advantage of and not say anything. There's really not a grey area when it comes to dealing with a 'pleaser'.

But, if you meet one, and you're a taker, you've hit the jack pot! But if you are a giver with boundaries, you'll really need to step back and away, unless of course you want to be in an unhappy world of phone calls day and night, and excuses from your significant other night and day. It's just not worth it, they live in a world of smiles, and loving to do for others. You won't be their first priority.

Research before Romance Treating Others the way you want to be treated

I don't know where I'm going with this conversation, but it touches hearts, souls, and thoughts. I've observed some of the mentioned, and they were immediate turnoffs.

There's something to be said about individuals who don't care what they do to other people. It's about principles, values, morals, and doing the right thing.

I've stopped seeing men because they were mean to the waiters, I'm sure they thought they were impressing the people around them. Unnecessary rudeness, is not a turnon, unless both of you are meanspiriteded people.

Short changing the cashier, he got more change than he was supposed to, and didn't return it. I thought this was rude, since the young girl at the register, probably had to repay the money he kept.

Another individual found a wallet, emptied it of the cash, and threw away the identification inside. This person was with a friend girl of mine, we were double dating that evening.I've lost my purse, and was devastated. Replacing my identification, took a long time, and I was inconvenienced. I retrieved the wallet contents, and mailed it too the owner. I also, watched my purse, whenever that person was around.

Someone who thinks there's nothing wrong with hosting a married man/woman's liason at their home. Or, worst yet has no problem being an alibi. This is someone who shouldn't be trusted, ever.

Individuals who claim to be 'christians' they attend church, say they practice the word of God, but walk a different walk. I tend to distance myself from these types of liars, I don't claim to be a saint, but I do know when to avoid someone who has shown they don't walk or talk on the right path.

Dating individuals who say racist things and admit to being uncomfortable around people of different races. A big turnoff. You want to say "what are you saying?" or "why are you saying that?"

He/she is smiling in your face, and behind your back are repeating terrible things. If you witness an individual doing this, it's a red flag. It's a nasty character flaw, that is described as acceptable behavior in today's society, be polite, to someone's face, and talk about them behind their back.

I was with an individual when we witnessed a car accident, he didn't want to call the police, nor did he want me to use my cellular to call the police. "Let someone else get involved, it's really none of our business" He didn't want to pull over and help either.

Your significant other is caught cheating, not with a complete stranger, but with a relative, of yours.

And then there's the tip taker, I was shocked when I saw my friends date, go back to the table and take the tip. When my friend confronted this guy about what he had done, he shrugged it off, like it was no big deal.

In another situation, I was grocery shopping with a guy I was dating. To speed things up, I got a cart and went one way, he got a cart and went the other. We met in the middle. Well, in the canned goods aisle, he decided that he didn't want this and that, okay, He was prepared to just put them on the shelves with the canned goods. But I started, they don't belong there, he didn't care, "it's someone's job to return them to their original aisles, he said" let's go. I knew then, he was going to get on my nerves.
And I was right. "Let's go" is a no, no first off, and leaving things where they don't belong, and creating more work for people who all ready have enough to do, was rude.

So this article was prepared for those who do think of others, whether it's in the grocery store, restaurant, or at the corner gas station, if you're with someone who's constantly doing things that inconvenience other people, or just plain rude, you've got to think, is this the kind of person I want to spend time with?

People are who they are, and if the way they act (see all the mentions above) doesn't bother you, then it's not a bad thing, you've probably found your mate for life. However, deep down,you know this kind of person, would not be a good role model for a child. And think about this, if he/she is rude and inconsiderate to other's, they may one day turn on you too.

But, as I've said before, this is just conversation, and it is your final decision, and I hope it's to move on.

Research before Romance-Self Esteem
Always Bitter
Sister Always needs to be in a Relationship
Healthy Self Esteem
Low Self Esteem
Changing Hair Color Signals Problems
Body Image
Self Esteem (Question & Answer)
Father Belittles his Children
Father's Put Downs
Mom Rejects 13 year Old Son

Dear Carolyn:
What's the best way to deal with someone who's chronically bitter, of the I'm not rich/smart/good-looking enough, don't have a nice enough house/car/job variety? Reminding them of all the things they do have to grateful for has backfired. D.C.

Naturally. And with those reminders that "backfired" you did what the embittered person wanted most: You completed the circuit of victimhood. So you deal with someone bitter, someone stuck on the big and bad world part, with: "OK.. What are you going to do about it?"

Dear Deanna!
I’m worried about my sister because she is the type of woman that has to be in a relationship.

She recently ended a six-year romance and after two weeks, is already getting serious about someone new. I think she needs to clear her head and realize she is on the rebound.

She has already told this man she loves him and I want her to slow down. What can I say to her in order to spare her feelings but still get my message across? Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:
It’s good that you’re concerned because this is your sister and you love her. If she’s not being hurt and there aren’t any foul signs of abuse or cheating from this man, you should wait and see what happens.

However, it’s too early to see his true character and as an experienced dater, your sister should see the signs when they appear.

Share your honest feelings with her about slowing down and let her know she has your full support if things don’t work out.

Where does healthy self-esteem originate?
Healthy self-esteem originates in the environment found in the : family, school, peer group, work place, and community.

For healthy self-esteem, individuals need to receive nurturing from the people in their environment, to include:

Unconditional warmth, love, and caring; to realize that other people recognize them as deserving to be nurtured, reinforced, rewarded, and bonded to. The environment transmits messages of warmth, loving, and caring by physical touch, meeting the survival needs of food, clothing and shelter, and providing a sense of stability and order in life.

Acceptance for who they are; to recognize that other people see them as worthy individuals who have a unique set of personality characteristics, skills, abilities, and competencies making them special. Acceptance helps individuals recognize that differences among and between people are OK, and this encourages the development of a sense of personal mastery and autonomy. Acceptance enables people to develop relationships with others, yet maintain healthy boundaries of individuality within themselves.

Good communication; being listened to and responded to in a healthy way so that healthy problem solving is possible. Appropriate giving and receiving of feedback is encouraged and rewarded. Communicating at a “feelings” level is a mode of operation for these people, allowing them to be in touch with their emotions in a productive manner.

Persons with low self-esteem:
Consider themselves lost, unworthy, of being cared for.

Are poor risk takers.

Operate out of a fear of rejection

Are typically unassertive in their behavior with others.

Are fearful of conflict with others.

Are poor problem solvers.

Are fraught with irrational beliefs and have a tendency to think irrationally.

Are susceptible to all kinds of fears.

Have a tendency to become emotionally stuck and immobilized.

Have a poor track record in school or on the job; conversely, they sometimes over compensate and become over-achievers.

Are unable to affirm or to reinforce themselves positively.

Are unable to make an honest assessment of their strengths, qualities, and good points; they find it difficult to accept compliments or recognition from others.

Have poorly defined self identities with a tendency to be chameleons in order to fit in with others.

Are insecure, anxious, and nervous when they are with others.

Often become overcome with anger about their status in life and are likely to have chronic hostility or chronic depression.

Are easily overcome with despair and depression when they experience a setback or loss in their lives.

Have a tendency to overreact and become de-energized by resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge against those whom they believe have not fully accepted them.

Fulfill roles in their families of origin that are counter productive and maladaptive. These roles carry over into their adult lives.

Are vulnerable to mental health problems and have a propensity to use addictive behavior to medicate their hurt and pain. Such addictive behavior can include alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, shopping, smoking, workaholics, or the search for excitement, truth, wisdom, and a guru with an easy guide to the achievement of happiness.

Wife's Changing Hair Color Signals Problem
Dear Carolyn:
My wife is going through a weird phase of experimenting with her hair. We're talking seven or eight colors and styles since New Year's. It's getting a little annoying having to get used to a new look every few weeks. Frankly, I like her normal color and style (curly, brown). I told her that after the third or fourth dye, and she cried. Should I just let this one go? I really, really don't like the current bright red. Wifeswap USA

She doesn't like it, either, if that helps.

The crying says it's more than cuticle deep, so let this and all colors go. When she recoils from a compliment (that you like her natural style), that suggests there's no right answer on the state of her hair.

Except, of course, caring about her state of mind instead. How is she? Has she always been self-conscous? Whither the turmoil? To find out, make yourself a warm place for her to go. It's neither a perfect nor guaranteed remedy, but you both fare better if she can find refuge in you.

Dear Ann Landers:
I wonder if you fully realize how women are being sabotaged by the advertising establishment, which tells us we are nothing unless our bodies are perfect.

We are living in a society in which women are being brainwashed to feel imperfect. And why? Because it’s a booming business. Americans spend $33 billion year on the diet industry.

Women have chosen to place importance on their weight and looks because they have been taught that if they look better, they will be more lovable and have more fun.
I was bulimic. After seeing a very good counselor, I realized that I’d chosen to give an insane amount of power to those extra 10 pounds on my body. I know now that my life and my problems are the same whether I’m 10 pounds overweight or 10 pounds underweight.

I bought into the myth that said my life would be better if I weighed less, and I purchased all the diet “products”. Well, I choose differently now. I hope that the millions of women with eating disorders stop to realize that they do have a choice.C.C. Littleton, Colorado

Dear Littleton:
You’ve written one of the most sensible letters on this subject of weight that I have read in a very long time. Thank you for this wonderfully sane and convincing contribution to my readers.

Q: My friends worry about my low self esteem. To me, it's no big deal. Long ago, I accepted the fact that, be it work, sports, or even simple conversation, someone else can do it better. What gets me is why it matters so much to others if I think I'm a loser? Worthless

A: Dear Worthless:
Because no one believes you, and neither do I. You sound miserably depressed---so depressed that you don't even care about feeling like dirt. This is no way to live. Your friends want to help. Tear down the wall of bravado and let someone in.

Dear Ann Landers:
I realize it would be a miracle if this letter made the paper, but I’m going to write it anyway. Getting this off my chest and having someone listen will make me feel better.

The problem is my husband. The way he treats our children makes me sick. I call it child abuse. He says I am crazy. Will you please tell me what you call it?

He never says one word to our teenagers three of them (15, 16, and 18) unless it’s to tell them how dumb, useless and ugly they are. It seems they can’t do anything right. His constant belittling has hit one of our children so hard she has become withdrawn and afraid to open her mouth. I’m worried sick about her. Her father has made her feel like a fat slob-completely worthless.

He tells her every day that she is ugly, stupid and clumsy. She believes him. The girl cries a lot and keeps her feelings to herself. She refuses to talk to me about her problems although I have tried to open the lines of communication.

Our children have no respect or affection whatsoever for their father. In fact, I’m sure they hate him. If one of the kids makes a mistake, he never lets up until the child is in teats. I call this emotional child abuse. He says there is no such thing. He claims abuse means physical beating. Is there such a thing as emotional child abuse? I leave it to you. Kalamazoo Reader
Dear Kal:
You bet there is such a thing as emotional abuse. Another term is mental cruelty.

Your husband sounds like a bully. He was probably belittled and emotionally battered by his father. The only way to break this vicious cycle is through counseling. Your family doctor or clergyman should speak to him (privately) and explain what he is doing to his children. Another problem is your relationship with him. I suspect you are at odds with one another a good bit of the time and the kids have been the battleground. Family counseling would be ideal…with everyone involved, speaking his piece and laying his feelings on the line.

I hope you can get someone to intervene on behalf of the children and make your husband see what he is doing to their lives-and yours. Everyone would profit.
Father's put-downs hide his insecurity
Dear Carolyn:
My father constantly puts me down, tells me how much he had accomplished when he was my age, and is constantly talking about how much smarter he is than everyone else (particularly me and my sister). Any ideas on how to deal with this? Washington

People who feel smart and accomplished do not feel the need to tell people how smart and accomplished they are. Your father is disappointed in himself, not you. It's not just an old story, it's a classic.

It's also a truth that gets easier to see the farther away you get. Your father's behavior is emotional abuse, and your ability to see it for yourself will depend on your ability to step back from it. You can get there with the help of a reputabel pro, or, if you're able, just by letting yourself see your dad for the coward he truly is. That's the first step to seeing yourself with your own eyes, not his.

Dear Annie:
This is for "Melancholy in Massachusetts," whose wife has rejected their 13 year old son.

When my daughter was younger, I treated her very unfairly. As a result, she suffered from low self esttem and depression and is still battling it. At the time, I had hypothyroidism and was perimenopausal and depressed, but refused help. Now I wish I could get those years back. Every day, I try to undo the damage I did to my child. I beg this mother to wake up before it is too late. Get help and you will enjoy life, too. Praying for Them






Research before Romance-Self Esteem
Always Bitter
Sister Always needs to be in a Relationship
Healthy Self Esteem
Low Self Esteem
Changing Hair Color Signals Problems
Body Image
Self Esteem (Question & Answer)
Father Belittles his Children
Father's Put Downs
Mom Rejects 13 year Old Son

Dear Carolyn:
What's the best way to deal with someone who's chronically bitter, of the I'm not rich/smart/good-looking enough, don't have a nice enough house/car/job variety? Reminding them of all the things they do have to grateful for has backfired. D.C.

Naturally. And with those reminders that "backfired" you did what the embittered person wanted most: You completed the circuit of victimhood. So you deal with someone bitter, someone stuck on the big and bad world part, with: "OK.. What are you going to do about it?"

Dear Deanna!
I’m worried about my sister because she is the type of woman that has to be in a relationship.

She recently ended a six-year romance and after two weeks, is already getting serious about someone new. I think she needs to clear her head and realize she is on the rebound.

She has already told this man she loves him and I want her to slow down. What can I say to her in order to spare her feelings but still get my message across? Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:
It’s good that you’re concerned because this is your sister and you love her. If she’s not being hurt and there aren’t any foul signs of abuse or cheating from this man, you should wait and see what happens.

However, it’s too early to see his true character and as an experienced dater, your sister should see the signs when they appear.

Share your honest feelings with her about slowing down and let her know she has your full support if things don’t work out.

Where does healthy self-esteem originate?
Healthy self-esteem originates in the environment found in the : family, school, peer group, work place, and community.

For healthy self-esteem, individuals need to receive nurturing from the people in their environment, to include:

Unconditional warmth, love, and caring; to realize that other people recognize them as deserving to be nurtured, reinforced, rewarded, and bonded to. The environment transmits messages of warmth, loving, and caring by physical touch, meeting the survival needs of food, clothing and shelter, and providing a sense of stability and order in life.

Acceptance for who they are; to recognize that other people see them as worthy individuals who have a unique set of personality characteristics, skills, abilities, and competencies making them special. Acceptance helps individuals recognize that differences among and between people are OK, and this encourages the development of a sense of personal mastery and autonomy. Acceptance enables people to develop relationships with others, yet maintain healthy boundaries of individuality within themselves.

Good communication; being listened to and responded to in a healthy way so that healthy problem solving is possible. Appropriate giving and receiving of feedback is encouraged and rewarded. Communicating at a “feelings” level is a mode of operation for these people, allowing them to be in touch with their emotions in a productive manner.

Persons with low self-esteem:
Consider themselves lost, unworthy, of being cared for.

Are poor risk takers.

Operate out of a fear of rejection

Are typically unassertive in their behavior with others.

Are fearful of conflict with others.

Are poor problem solvers.

Are fraught with irrational beliefs and have a tendency to think irrationally.

Are susceptible to all kinds of fears.

Have a tendency to become emotionally stuck and immobilized.

Have a poor track record in school or on the job; conversely, they sometimes over compensate and become over-achievers.

Are unable to affirm or to reinforce themselves positively.

Are unable to make an honest assessment of their strengths, qualities, and good points; they find it difficult to accept compliments or recognition from others.

Have poorly defined self identities with a tendency to be chameleons in order to fit in with others.

Are insecure, anxious, and nervous when they are with others.

Often become overcome with anger about their status in life and are likely to have chronic hostility or chronic depression.

Are easily overcome with despair and depression when they experience a setback or loss in their lives.

Have a tendency to overreact and become de-energized by resentment, anger, and the desire for revenge against those whom they believe have not fully accepted them.

Fulfill roles in their families of origin that are counter productive and maladaptive. These roles carry over into their adult lives.

Are vulnerable to mental health problems and have a propensity to use addictive behavior to medicate their hurt and pain. Such addictive behavior can include alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex, shopping, smoking, workaholics, or the search for excitement, truth, wisdom, and a guru with an easy guide to the achievement of happiness.

Wife's Changing Hair Color Signals Problem
Dear Carolyn:
My wife is going through a weird phase of experimenting with her hair. We're talking seven or eight colors and styles since New Year's. It's getting a little annoying having to get used to a new look every few weeks. Frankly, I like her normal color and style (curly, brown). I told her that after the third or fourth dye, and she cried. Should I just let this one go? I really, really don't like the current bright red. Wifeswap USA

She doesn't like it, either, if that helps.

The crying says it's more than cuticle deep, so let this and all colors go. When she recoils from a compliment (that you like her natural style), that suggests there's no right answer on the state of her hair.

Except, of course, caring about her state of mind instead. How is she? Has she always been self-conscous? Whither the turmoil? To find out, make yourself a warm place for her to go. It's neither a perfect nor guaranteed remedy, but you both fare better if she can find refuge in you.

Dear Ann Landers:
I wonder if you fully realize how women are being sabotaged by the advertising establishment, which tells us we are nothing unless our bodies are perfect.

We are living in a society in which women are being brainwashed to feel imperfect. And why? Because it’s a booming business. Americans spend $33 billion year on the diet industry.

Women have chosen to place importance on their weight and looks because they have been taught that if they look better, they will be more lovable and have more fun.
I was bulimic. After seeing a very good counselor, I realized that I’d chosen to give an insane amount of power to those extra 10 pounds on my body. I know now that my life and my problems are the same whether I’m 10 pounds overweight or 10 pounds underweight.

I bought into the myth that said my life would be better if I weighed less, and I purchased all the diet “products”. Well, I choose differently now. I hope that the millions of women with eating disorders stop to realize that they do have a choice.C.C. Littleton, Colorado

Dear Littleton:
You’ve written one of the most sensible letters on this subject of weight that I have read in a very long time. Thank you for this wonderfully sane and convincing contribution to my readers.

Q: My friends worry about my low self esteem. To me, it's no big deal. Long ago, I accepted the fact that, be it work, sports, or even simple conversation, someone else can do it better. What gets me is why it matters so much to others if I think I'm a loser? Worthless

A: Dear Worthless:
Because no one believes you, and neither do I. You sound miserably depressed---so depressed that you don't even care about feeling like dirt. This is no way to live. Your friends want to help. Tear down the wall of bravado and let someone in.

Dear Ann Landers:
I realize it would be a miracle if this letter made the paper, but I’m going to write it anyway. Getting this off my chest and having someone listen will make me feel better.

The problem is my husband. The way he treats our children makes me sick. I call it child abuse. He says I am crazy. Will you please tell me what you call it?

He never says one word to our teenagers three of them (15, 16, and 18) unless it’s to tell them how dumb, useless and ugly they are. It seems they can’t do anything right. His constant belittling has hit one of our children so hard she has become withdrawn and afraid to open her mouth. I’m worried sick about her. Her father has made her feel like a fat slob-completely worthless.

He tells her every day that she is ugly, stupid and clumsy. She believes him. The girl cries a lot and keeps her feelings to herself. She refuses to talk to me about her problems although I have tried to open the lines of communication.

Our children have no respect or affection whatsoever for their father. In fact, I’m sure they hate him. If one of the kids makes a mistake, he never lets up until the child is in teats. I call this emotional child abuse. He says there is no such thing. He claims abuse means physical beating. Is there such a thing as emotional child abuse? I leave it to you. Kalamazoo Reader
Dear Kal:
You bet there is such a thing as emotional abuse. Another term is mental cruelty.

Your husband sounds like a bully. He was probably belittled and emotionally battered by his father. The only way to break this vicious cycle is through counseling. Your family doctor or clergyman should speak to him (privately) and explain what he is doing to his children. Another problem is your relationship with him. I suspect you are at odds with one another a good bit of the time and the kids have been the battleground. Family counseling would be ideal…with everyone involved, speaking his piece and laying his feelings on the line.

I hope you can get someone to intervene on behalf of the children and make your husband see what he is doing to their lives-and yours. Everyone would profit.
Father's put-downs hide his insecurity
Dear Carolyn:
My father constantly puts me down, tells me how much he had accomplished when he was my age, and is constantly talking about how much smarter he is than everyone else (particularly me and my sister). Any ideas on how to deal with this? Washington

People who feel smart and accomplished do not feel the need to tell people how smart and accomplished they are. Your father is disappointed in himself, not you. It's not just an old story, it's a classic.

It's also a truth that gets easier to see the farther away you get. Your father's behavior is emotional abuse, and your ability to see it for yourself will depend on your ability to step back from it. You can get there with the help of a reputabel pro, or, if you're able, just by letting yourself see your dad for the coward he truly is. That's the first step to seeing yourself with your own eyes, not his.

Dear Annie:
This is for "Melancholy in Massachusetts," whose wife has rejected their 13 year old son.

When my daughter was younger, I treated her very unfairly. As a result, she suffered from low self esttem and depression and is still battling it. At the time, I had hypothyroidism and was perimenopausal and depressed, but refused help. Now I wish I could get those years back. Every day, I try to undo the damage I did to my child. I beg this mother to wake up before it is too late. Get help and you will enjoy life, too. Praying for Them

Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today

Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611

Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com