Know your Significant Other

Know your Significant Other
Article: Know your Significant Other
Chapter from Research before Romance

Research before Romance-Know your Significant Other by: T. L. Moss

I've dated men, been engaged to men, that I have to admit, I really didn't know well.

In this chapter of Research before Romance, readers absorb all the extra's a person in love should know about the person they intend to marry. Including a questionairre about marriage and finances.

I guess all the important things should include things that make the other person tick, make the other person shut down, or worst yet, what makes that person go off the deep end.

That's where you should learn about how they grew up, how were they treated? What are their secrets?
Phobias? and I don't want to know all about their relationships, but I think I would like to know why they broke up. I find it disturbing that people don't talk about the important things like,do you want children?
and if so how many?

You love pets, he/she doesn't, you can't cook, but he loves to eat, you are not a housekeeper, you don't make the bed in the morning, have no idea how to do laundry, or fold a dishcloth. But he/she is a neatfreak.
She loves clothes and spends alot on them, every month, you are a jeans and tenny shoe kinda guy.
He loves to entertain friends every week, you don't like people in your home often. You know you can't drive well, and his car is his pride and joy.

How can we correct this? the pet thing compromise, fish? are great. take a cooking class, learn how to keep house.If you know your'e a slob, then compromise about having a housekeeper come in weekly. But learn how to take care of your home, this is a deal breaker. If your significant other lives like a pig, that's something that can't be changed.

I have several friend girls who have only boys. Half are constantly on their sons about picking up after themselves, while the other half, let the children do what they want. I told the later bunch, that their future daughter in laws will hate them.

The spending thing, get counseling, with entertaining, compromise, and if you can't drive, don't drive his car, get your own, or learn how to drive.

Would you have sex with your significant other if they had AIDS/HIV? Would you marry someone who would be bedridden in 2 years? In the event your significant other was in an accident, and was paralyzed from the neck down would you stay with them? If she/he is a churchgoer and your not, would that be a deal breaker?

If there was a fire, would your significant other be the first one out, with empty hands, or follow the evauation plan the family works on every 3 months?

I had a friend years ago, a really nice guy. His wife who he divorced years before he met me, developed MS
soon after they were married. He divorced her, without looking back. He was very honest, he wouldn't have married her had he known. These are the kinds of questions, to ask someone you want to spend your life with. And include, would they pull the plug? or bury your organs, knowing you wanted to donate them to someone on a waiting list?

There are lots of questions, and many answers you may like, not like, or be shocked at how the other person thinks. Politics is a big one, mixing up cultures is another big one.

If he/she doesn't like being affectionate in public, now,they won't change this after your'e married. You can't be surprised or complain about something that can't/won't be changed after your'e married. He/she has the table manners of a cavedweller, if it's happening now, you can expect it will still be going on at your 50th anniversary party, if you can put up with it that long.

Know your significant other is the topic of this conversation, and this is a serious issue, that's if you want your marriage to last.

Research before Romance 30 day Deadline by: T. L. Moss

In 30 days you will be able to find out alot of things about a person you're interested in.

Have you found out whether or not the individual your'e interested in, has a negative history? i.e. stalking, assault, attempted murder, dui's, robbery, identity thief. etc. etc.

A background check will cover this question.

If they have a criminal past? what kind of record do they have? are they on parole? probation? and when was the last time they were arrested? Are they able to get employment because of their criminal record?

Is he/she pressuring you to have sex, be in a relationship, lend them money, or let them babysit your children? These are red flags, especially within the first 30 days of meeting someone.

Let's not forget the little things: Is she/he nice to others? polite and respectful to you? thank you, please, the basics are good. And this includes being early and on time. My clique: What it took to get me, is the same behavior it's going to take to keep me around. If he's opening the doors, helping me with my coat, all the nice things, it needs to continue. And if they don't do those things, some women may not care, that's their decision, but there are those of us, who appreciate the gesture on the first date, and on their 50 th anniversary.

During a first or second date, have you noticed they drink too much alcohol, smoke too many cigarettes, or indulge in a habit you really don't approve of? i.e. gambling, or hard drugs?

Are you sure this person is single? is this person recently divorced? separated? or just out of another relationship? How much do you know about what happened in their past relationship? Did they end peacefully? Are the former boy/girl friends still in the area? do they still communicate? How long ago was the breakup?

Do you know where they live? And did they mention whether they lived alone? are they sleeping on someone's couch? or living at home with their parents?

What kind of driving record does your new friend have? the background check will provide the answers.

If the person tells you they are attending college, are you sure? or are they telling you what they think you want to hear?

What does their body language tell you? Is there alot of eye contact? arm crossing?

Okay now for the big one---flaws, table manners, appearance, hygiene, body noises, etc. Remember you don't want to accept flaws that can't be changed, don't settle, it'll only make you miserable.

Do they have children? if so, do they have to pay child support? you can find this out with a background check. Is there visitation? if not, why not? do they have custody, what are the ages, how many different mothers/fathers will you have to deal with, if you do decide to give this relationship a try?

Have you discussed what kind of relationship you want? Long term, a booty call every now and then,or let's
see what happens (if the later is the case, avoid sex) at least, until you know, this is the person you want to deal with.

If you both have lightly discussed having sex, what do you both want to do when the lights go out? or do you want the lights off at all? have you, or can you, comfortably talk about what each of you want ?

Are either of you careless sexually? By this, I mean, you have no problems, having sex with someone the same day, without exchanging health records first, or doesn't this matter?

Are you dating someone from another country? Do they need their green card? will they want you to change, if you become a couple? Are you willing to lose your freedom? independence to be in a relationship that may or may not work?

Is he or she employed? and what is their work history? do they jump from job to job every couple of months?Do you go dutch when you go out? or have they asked you for money to pay the bill?

What kind of credit history does she/he have? This is another area to cover, shows whether or not they are responsible.

If you've met any of his/her friends have you noticed how your date is treated? is he/she respected? or could there be a possibility that he/she is the weak link in a den of lions?

What do you really know about this person? favorite color, foods, middle name, likes and dislikes, favorite music, softdrink, tv show, movie etc.

Is this person really someone that you'd want to wake up and look at in 25 years? are you on the same page in life? are you both motivated? where does he/she see themselves in 10 years? What major issues would cause this person to snap?

Does he/she have a strong self esteem? would they be threatened with your wanting to achieve your goals? are there insecurity issues? do they have weight/health issues that could be a problem later on?

Does this person think green? if they do, will you? Do they recycle? do you? do you both volunteer? do you donate to charities? would sponsoring a domestic violence victim's family be something you'd both want to do for Christmas?

How open are you both? If one believes in aliens, and the after life, and the other doesn't, where does that put your relationship? One believes O.J Simpson did it, and the other thinks, he was, where he said he was. Or, are you both Obama supporters?, sorry McCain lost?, or one of you doesn't vote at all?

Is your new friend a talker? name dropper? sharing stories that he/she shouldn't? Does he/she say things that aren't nice.......a swearer, or he/she is just not articulate, saying things that make you cringe a little?

Your new friend, be honest, is he or she a little naive? not too educated about life's black, white, and grey areas? They would be the kind of person that would leave the car running at the corner store, while they ran inside, or leave their doors and windows at home unlocked? Are they the kind of person that would give a stranger on the street their social security number? The kind of person that throws out their mail,without shredding their bank statements first? Or the kind of person that would bring a stranger they just met on the street, home for dinner?

Do you really want to know the person you want to spend some time with? Do you have the time to do, what you have to do, to feel completely comfortable? Are you really prepared to ask questions, and listen to the answers? Once again, it takes a small amount of money, to get the answers you want. If you don't, you can't complain about what happens to you, your money, your family, or your life.

I realize alot of the questions mentioned above could scare off a potential suitor, but guess what, if the person you're seeing is really interested, honest, and cautious, they won't have a problem answering any questions you ask. But, be prepared to also answer questions. I wouldn't do it on the first date.

But I would inquire, and show a great deal of interest after I received the green light from the background check.Don't bother with anything,until you get the answers that tell you he/she is worth taking the second date.

Research before Romance Know Your Significant Other
Husband Overly Secretive
Know if You Will Marry Your Significant Other
Husband of Missing Woman is Engaged
Discussing Major Issues
Communication before Marriage
Widow Didn't Want Children
Do your Homework!
Man Convicted in Deaths
Show Appreciation
She Desperately wants a Baby, he says no
Marriage isn't man's top priority
Engagement Questions
It's Over Because....
Test your Marriage Money Skills
Considering your Financial Intimacy Before Tying the Knot
Working Two Jobs to Keep Wife Happy
Holiday's & Families
Legal Questions & Answers
Free Report Topics: Better Business Bureau
Suggested Reading

Husband is Overly Secretive
March 5, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I have been with my husband for four years, married for two. In all this time, there are still some things I am not comfortable with.

"Norm" is a very quiet man who doesn't say much. He has a brother who lives really close, but Norm has never introduced us. I also have never met his mother or talked to her on the phone. She lives out of state and calls Norm only on his cell phone. I bought her a gift for the holidays and she told him to thank me. I have never seen any pictures of his childhood or of his parents. He keeps his bank statements and his checkbook at his brother's house.

Norm moved here from out of state 12 years ago and recently changed his last name because he said he didn't like the way it sounded. He doesn't have any life insurance. I have never seen him naked. Sex is rare. When I try to get information from him, he acts weird and gets mad, so I leave it alone.

I am his wife. We don't even have a checking account together. He splits every bill with me. One day, I asked if I could use his gas card. He followed me to the station, put 20 bucks in and drove back home. He keeps score on who pays for what. He seems so strange to me. What's up? Not Sure in California

Dear Not Sure:
You've known this man for four years. Surely this secretive behavior is not new. Your stingy, paranoid husband could be hiding things---a criminal past, another family, money---but it's also possible it's just his personality.

Talk to him and explain, lovingly, that you want to be more connected and ask how to make that happen. You also could do some investigating to see what you can dig up about his past. And by all means, call his mother and say hello.

If dating is about the here and now, marriage is about the future. For many couples, when they get engaged it is the first time they have every seriously thought about their future. This is why marriage experts suggest that you use the engagement period to reexamine how you and your beloved want your future to unfold. This is especially important if you come from different backgrounds.

The future is something the two of you will create together. It’s a lot like building a house, but instead of rooms, you will build shared values and goals. So before you get caught up in the hoopla and planning of your wedding, take some time to review how you both feel about some of the big things in life: work, family, education, faith, money, home, charity. Anything and everything.

Help! The more my fiancé and I talk, the farther apart we seem to be on all the major issues. What should I do?

Don’t panic. This is exactly what an engagement period is supposed to do: root out only major obstacles that could spell heartache once you are married. If there are too many unresolved problems, either postpone the wedding or break the engagement. Do not allow yourself to get caught up in the chaos and expectations of a wedding without first being sure that getting married to your fiancé is what you really want to do.

Important Topics to Discuss
What do we want out of life?

What type of job or career is each of us working toward?

Will we change our names to reflect our new married status?

How much money do we need to live on?

How much money do we want to live on?

Where should we live?

Will we want to live in our own home in the suburbs someday or would we prefer an apartment in the city?

Will we live near our families or not?

If our religions are different, will one of us convert?

Do we want to have children? When? How many?

If our religions are different, which religion will the children be brought up in?

How will we take care of our children? Day care?

Will one of us be a stay at home parent? Both of us, in some combination?

Know if You will Marry your Significant Other
Examine your conversations. Does your partner include you in her plans when she talks about the future?

Consider the compatibility of your activities and value’s. Are you interested in your loved one’s work and hobbies? Does your partner seem to be interested in your job and pastimes, even if she doesn’t share your passion for them?

Consider whether you’re both traveling along the same pathway in life. Do you want the same things, such as kids, stability, money, career?

Evaluate how your partner treats you in private and in public. Does he brag about you? Does he seem proud to be with you, or does he avoid being seen with you in public? Does he stick around when you’re having a bad day, or does he disappear when you need him the most?

Evaluate how your significant other treats your friends and family. Is she willing to be nice to them, even if she doesn’t like them?

Assess your partner’s honesty and trustworthiness. Does he do what he says he’s going to do? Do you feel you can trust him?

Think about all the reasons why you really like this person. Remember that infatuation fades, but genuine compatibility endures.

Communicate with your partner and discuss these issues to figure out if you’re meant for each other.

Tip
If the person seems secretive or ashamed to be seen with you in public, reevaluate your relationship. He or she may be trying to hide something or someone.

Husband of Missing Woman is Engaged
December 19, 2008 The Blade
Drew Peterson, who is still married to his missing wife, Stacey, is engaged to a Chicago-area woman, 23, his publicist said yesterday.

Glenn Selig said the former police sergeant, 54, has been seeing the woman for about four months. She's the same age as Stacy was when she vanished in October. If they wed, she will be his fifth wife.

He is a suspect in Mrs. Peterson's disappearance, which polic have called a "potential homicide." He has said that she left him for another man. Mr. Peterson met with a divorce attorney last month. In Illinois, willful desertion or abandonment for at least one year is grounds for a divorce.

Mr. Selig said Mr. Peterson was divorcing his third wife, Kathleen Savio, when he became engaged to the missing woman. Ms. Savio, 40, was found dead in a tub weeks before her divorce from Mr. Peterson became final.

Dear Ann Landers:
As I write this my little boy is lying on the couch under an ice bag. His face is as read as a beet and the skin is broken in a few places where I slapped him.

When he gets stubborn or has a tantrum, I become so angry I can’t control myself. I have hit him like this several times before, even though I know it is wrong.

I read your column every day and have read your advice to look in the phone book under child abuse. I looked and there is nothing in this town (population 3,000).

When this boy was born four years ago, I really didn’t want him but my husband was crazy about children and insisted that I have a family.

I have always hated this kid, which is a terrible thing for a mother to admit, but it is true. His daddy died two years ago and, thank God, I don’t have any other children. I am a rotten mother.

Many times I have thought of giving up the boy for adoption. I know there are many couples who would love to have him. He is very smart for his age and darling-looking.

But just when I get ready to put my hand on the phone, I tell myself, “Don’t do it. Keep him and learn to be a good mother.”

I live 1,500 miles away from my own family. I have a good job and work 50 hours a week. Please tell me what to do. Telling It like It Is in Kansas

Dear Telling It:
My heart aches for that little boy on the couch. And for you too. I know the guilt must be killing you. You must get help at once. Call Parents Anonymous immediately at 909-621-6184. They may be able to give you a local number to contact in your area.

Mass man convicted in deaths of wife, stepson
November 5, 2008 The Blade
A man was convicted of first degree murder yesterday for killing his wife and 11 year old stepson out of anger over the time she spent with members of her church.

Dear Annie:
You've printed a lot of letters from women bashing men. One recently said she is thinking of leaving her husband because all he thinks she is good for is cooking, cleaning, and laundry.

When was the last time she asked her husband how he was feeling? Did he have a good day? Would he like something to drink? When was the last time she actually showed any desire for him intellectually, sexually, and emotionally? Did she ever give him compliments? Did she spend time with him doing things he liked, or did she just tell him how to do things as if he were an idiot? Did she ever thank him for going to work every day and providing for her? Did she ever greet him with a hug and kiss?

In this enlightened society, it is required that men help with housework, even if the wife is a stay at home mom. When did she go to his office and help him with his work? I do the laundry, clean the floors, and wash the dishes, as well as all the outside maintenance, lawn mowing, snow removal, etc. Most men don't mind helping. We just need some appreciation and recognition. When my youngest is off to college, I will leave to find a more fulfilling situation. Eight Years to Go

Dear Eight Years:
Communication and consideration are major ingredients in a solid marriage. Have you told your wife that you need some sign that she appreciates you? Many women don't realize how much they take their husbands for granted. If you haven't had counseling, please try it before you walk out.

Do your Homework!
Mr. ****lied to me about his marital status. I was told by his wife, who lives in Vermont that he is married to her and another woman in Philadelphia.

He is 30 years old and is expecting to be a father with a 19 year old young lady, with whom I get along with very well.

He has fathered other children in different states and has not participated in their lives at all.

He looks for young girls to date, and have sex with, to manipulate and deceive them.

He lies about being a rich guy, with a jet, fancy cars and other luxuries.

He does not pay child support for his children, nor does he use protection to prevent fathering another child.

He is a blood sucking leach, who feeds on young women, he needs to be stopped. Patrina

She Desperately wants a baby, But he says no
December 27, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I am a 34 year old woman and met "Marc" a year ago. Marc is 45 and divorced with three kids. We hit it off from the start and have been going strong for 10 months. Marc is a terrific guy who treats me well and is a wonderful father to his children. I love him deeply and want to spend my life with him.

The problem, is, I want to have a baby. I love Marc's kids and would treat them as my own, but they live with their mother and we see them only every other weekend and on certain holidays. I want to be a full-time mom, but Marc doesn't want any more kids and even had a vasectomy to make sure. I asked him about reversing the vasectomy, but he isn't interested.

I was diagnosed with a fertility problem several years ago and was told I would have difficulty getting pregnant. The doctor said adoption would be the best choice, but Marc doesn't want to raise another child. Kids are expensive and he already pays quite a bit in child support. But I have wanted to be a mother since I can remember and cannot imagine being content otherwise.

I've never met a man I've cared about more than Marc, and now my desire to raise a chil with him is even greater. But I know marrying him means I won't have a child of my own, adopted or otherwise. I don't know what to do. Perplexed.

Dear Perplexed:
This is a dealbreaker. While many women find fulfillment in mothering other people's children through teaching, volunteering, babysitting, etc, we cannot promise this will work for you. If you believe you will be increasingly resentful of Marc's unwillingness to raise a child, you must break it off. Sorry.

Mother gets 20 years for death of 2 year old
December 31, 2008 The Blade
A mother whose 2 year old son died after she passed out on top of him was sentenced yesterday to 20 years in prison and work release.

Latasha McMorris, 25, pleaded guilty this month to felony neglect in the February death of Sheldon Bartley, Jr. Authorities said McMorris passed out at an east-side motel after drinking alcohol for several hours and landed on her son, suffocating him.

McMorris plea agreement set a 20 year sentence but allowed Marion Superior Court Judge Tanya Walton-Pratt to divide the time between prison and Marion County Community Corrections programs.

Computer trysts damage trust
Dear Annie:
I am a 40 year old divorced woman with six children. I've become involved in a dream come true relationship with "Joe". After a year, he moved into my house. Joe has two children, and the fact that he accepted my six kids just shows how wonderful he is.

The problem is, a few days before he moved in, I discovered he was having sexually intimate conversations iwth women via his computer. They all live out of the country, so I know he hasn't met any of them in person.

I am shattered that Joe isn't the decent, respectable, trustworthy guy I thought he was. He has apologized repeatedly, but I don't know how to deal with my trust issues and I am disgusted every time I think about it.

I want to feel the way I used to when I was so passionately in love with him. What do I do? Love Fading Away

Dear Fading:
If Joe is as wonderful as you say, you owe it to yourself to give him a chance to prove he can be trusted. Joe may have become involved with these women when he was single and lonely. Help him understand that in order to have a loving, faithful, honest future with you, he has to stop this type of communication and be transparent about his use of the computer. If he is willing to make the effort, either on his own or with professional help, there is no reason things can't work out for you.

Marriage isn't man's top priority
Dear Annie:
My husband, "Rex" and I have been married for two years. Three months ago, his job required him to work in a town several hours away, and he decided to get an apartment there. I had a feeling something was going on between him and a married co-worker. He calls her all the time, even when he's with me. For her birthday, he took the day off, and they went to a casino. For my 50th birthday, I didn't even get a card. Rex also has a lot of parties at his place with friends.

Last week, Rex told me the battery on his cell phone died and that's why he didn't call for two days. I decided to surprise him and drive out to spend his day off with him. When I arrived, he was angry that I had shown up unannounced. Then the co-worker walked into the room. Rex told me she had been at a party the night before and crashed at his place because it's closer to work. He said she slept in the spare room, which, by the way, was not heated nor were there any sheets or blankets on the bed. How stupid do I look?

I went ballistic and said some horrible things to her. Rex told me this is HIS place and he won't answer questions about what goes on. He insists they are just friends and I need to trust him. He then said I owe her an apology. He was more worried about her feelings than mine. I can't eat or sleep. All I do is cry. I want to trust him, but everything points to my being a fool if I do. Help! Betrayed in Boise

Dear Betrayed:
This doesn't look good. Even if Rex isn't cheating on you (which seems unlikely), he is living a separate life and considers you an intruder. This is not a marriage. It might help if you could relocate to his current city or at least stay with him more often. But we suspect he won't be happy about it. Please get counseling, with or without him, so you can work through this and make whatever decisions are necessary.

Assaulted Inmate Sues, County, Sheriff
March 25, 2008 The Blade
According to the complaint, the then 18 year old victim was in custody on burglary charges filed in Lucas County Juvenile Court when he was placed on the second floor of the jail. The complaint said he has 'mental health problems and cognitive functioning disabilities'.

On March 25, 2006, he was sexually assaulted by Melvin Cooper in the shower area, the complaint said.

Dear Ann Landers:
My brother was raped while in prison serving a three-year sentence for arson. He called for help but none came. When he told a guard what had happened, the reply was, “Welcome to prison life”.

He tried other avenues to get assistance, but was ignored. Someone must have tipped off the other prisoners because later a “blanket party” was thrown. He was raped again, beaten, and told to keep his mouth shut.

My brother was 19 years old. He is now 42. I heard this story for the first time just two years ago. As he told it, he was shaking and crying his eyes out, 23 years later. Where is the American justice we hear so much about? Permanently Disillusioned.

Engagement Questionairre
Before you announce your engagement, or go to the premarital counselor, make sure you and your significant other are on the same page of the same book.

This chapter is for the individuals getting ready to walk the aisle, or for those in a long term relationship. It just outlines what you should be discussing, before you start really getting involved. That need to know information is listed here.

How well do you know him?
Where was he born?
What he nicknamed as a child?
What’s his favorite dessert?
What‘s his least favorite vegetable?
What’s his favorite color?
Where would he like to go on vacation?
What’s the first thing he’d buy if he won a million dollars?
What’s his dream car?

What will Married Life be like?
How do you picture your married life together?
A happy round of parties and friends.
Quiet evenings at home.
Family visits every weekend.
Spending all our free time together.
The same as it is now.

Why Are you Getting Married?
To spend more time together
Companionship to avoid loneliness.
To improve our relationship.
To make someone happy.
I can’t afford to live alone.
To help my career.
I want children
Love
Other.
What Three Things do you Consider Most Essential in a Husband?
Obviously, more than one apply. The key is to recognize your primary reasons. Are they strong enough to maintain a lasting relationship?
Sense of humor
Financial security
Respect
Trustworthiness
Affection
Good sexual relationship
Good companion
Sensitivity to my moods/feelings
Best friend
Similar goals

How Do you See The Future?
What’s the biggest adjustment you’ll face after the wedding?
List the five things you like best about your groom to be?
List the five things you like least about him?
When you think about your life together, what worries you the most?
How do you picture your lives ten years from now?
Having Fun
How do you like to spend your free time?
Do you expect him to join in or share your hobbies?
How much of your free time will you spend together?
All ( ) Most ( ) Some ( ) Very Little ( )

How much time can your spouse spend with friends or other interests before you consider it excessive?
How do you answer compare to his?
Will your social life be more or less active than it is now?
In what way?
How do you want to spend your vacations?
How do these compare with his ideas?
How do you feel about separate vacations?

How Important will Family Gatherings and Outings Be?
Very important
Somewhat important
Not at all important
Important to me but not him
Important to him but not me
Not applicable
If your attitudes conflict, what compromise have you made?

Finances
Do you expect to share your bank accounts, savings and investments?
Payment of debts?
Do you worry about his attitude toward money?
Have you talked about it?
How will the money be divided or handled?

Which Purchases will you Talk About Ahead of Time?
All
Only expensive ones.
Only for appliances, furniture.
We’ll each spend as we please.
How does his attitude compare with yours?
How do you feel about credit card spending?
Is his attitude the same?
Is it important to you that bills are paid punctually?
Does he share the same attitude?
Who will make investment decisions?
Handle the taxes?
What percentage of income should be donated to charity?
Will you have a budget?
Do either of you bounce checks often?
Do you think it’s important to save a part of your salary?
Does he?
What are your financial priorities? Do you have certain goals you’re aiming for?
What are they?
Do his goals agree?
Do you plan to stop working if you have a child?
Can you live on one income?
Life at Home
How will household chores be divided?
Most importantly, what does he think the division of chores will be?
What type of meals do you like to eat?
How often will you eat out in restaurants?
Have fast food?

Children
Do you both want children?
Do you agree when you’ll start a family?
If one of you doesn’t want children, can the other accept that decision?
What if one of you changes your mind?
How many children should you have?
Will you continue working after they’re born?
Who will be the most responsible for their day to day care?
What child-rearing responsibilities is he willing to take on?

Would you Ever Consider...
Adoption
Abortion
Artificial insemination
Sterilization
How do his opinions match yours?
Have you discussed the use of contraception?
Do you agree on how and when?

Family Ties
How does your family feel about your groom to be?
Your marriage plans?
Do you get along with his family?
If either family objects to your marriage, what’s their reason?
Could it be a valid concern?
How do you feel about accepting financial help from family members?
Supplying financial help to members?
Do you expect to exchange visits often?
How often?
How will you spend holidays?
Are your family holiday practices similar to his?
How would you feel about your in-laws living with you?
Do you expect family or friends to phone ahead before they visit?
Future Plans
What are your three most essential future goals?
Do you hope to buy a home?
What kind?
Do you hope to travel a great deal?
What are your career goals?
Do you understand, accept, and support each other’s goals?
Whose career will have priority for transfers?
Will either of you further your education?
To what point?
Do you want to live in the city, country, or suburbs?
Will you eventually become active in civic or other organizations?
How do you feel about your husband pursuing such activities?
What’s more important-a fulfilling career or a high-paying one?
How do you feel about putting in extra, unpaid hours to get ahead?
About his doing the same?
Traveling out of town overnight?
About his doing the same?
Have you discussed these matters?
How does he feel?

Religion
Does your future spouse share your religious beliefs?
If they conflict, have you discussed the matter?
Will you attend religious services regularly?
Will your spouse attend with you?
Will you or he become actively involved in church activities?
Will you observe the customs of faith in your home?
If it’s an inter-faith marriage, how will you resolve conflicts?
How will the children be raised?
Will your children be sent to church affiliated schools?
Do you believe in tithing? Tithing=a tenth part of one’s income.

Communications
Can you honestly talk to one another about your thoughts and feelings?
If not why?

When you Disagree Do You...
Scream and yell
Withdraw
Not speak
Talk it out
Ignore the problem and hope it will go away.

Do you feel that you should have a greater say in matters or the final word?
Does he agree?
Do you believe he listens to you and is trying to understand you?
Do you do the same for him?
Does he agree with your analysis?
What subjects do you argue about the most (besides the wedding plans)?
Do you think these problems will eventually be resolved?
How?
If not, can you live with that?

Sex
Are you each comfortable talking about sex?
Do you have the same feelings about fidelity?
Would you be willing to obtain help if there was a problem?

Do you Feel That....
You’re totally responsible for pleasing him.
He’s totally responsible for pleasing you.

Would you Have Sex if you Weren’t in the Mood?
Do you expect him to have sex if he weren’t in the mood?
Do you feel that sex is proper only at a certain time or place?
Does he agree?
Do you expect your sex life to be occasionally experimental?
Does he?

Are You Ready for Marriage?
What scares you most about marriage?
Loss of freedom
More responsibility
That it won’t work
Having children
Financial problems

Do you believe that you’re mature enough for marriage?
Is he?
Do you expect him to change?
In what way?
Is that realistic/probable?
Does he know?
Do you have a stable job?
Does he?
Do you make enough to live comfortably?
Source: Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac

Madonna & Guy: It's Over!
Changes occurred on Ritchie's side as well. "Her neediness caught him by surprise," adds a source who knows them both. "She's used to being able to do the impossible. But she didn't have superhuman powers to heal herself, and neither did Guy, and they both suffered for it." "In fact, around early 2006, Madonna told a family insider the couple had been sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Domestic issues have been a source of disagreement for years. Though the director recently talked about "how much you can love an adopted child, the same as you can love a biological child, "he didn't think adopting David was a good idea, say sources. "He felt like they should focus on their marriage because they were having problems then too," says a source close to both camps. But "what Madonna wants, Madonna gets."

For an unassuming guy like Ritchie, being married to one of the most famous women in the world was draining. "She would try to get him to come to things, and he resisted," says the source close to both camps. "She was more about being a celebrity and he was more low-key.

Working Two Jobs to Keep Wife Happy
Dear Deanna!
I work two jobs because my wife got laid off. She's never satisfied and when I think about it, I'm breaking my neck and she spends money left and right.

I don't have a problem with this, but if she wants to have a glamourous lifestyle, she needs to get a job. When I approach her, she claims she can't find work but she's not looking. I'm tired and want to rest but also want to keep my wife happy but don't know how. Joel

Dear Joel:
Shut her down, close your wallet and take the credit cards immediately. If your wife won't work, then you need to make her an item on the budget and give her a monthly allowance.

Once her money runs out, then oh well, she's stuck until the next cycle or until she gets a job. This may not make your wife happy but at least you'll still be around to see her.

Clem's Overworked Wife Resents Doing it All
January 2, 2009 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I've been married to "Clem" for two years. I have a full-time job and a part-time job, plus I cook, clean, do laundry, wash dishes, and take out the trash. Many nights I only get four or five hours of sleep.

Clem works part time and is home a lot. He expects me to pay all the bills, including the house payment, utilities, cable, phone and Internet, as well as our vehicle insurance and health insurancce. I am also expected to pay for the groceries. When we go out to eat or to see a movie, I usually pay for that, too.

I don't feel this is fair, but whenever I mention money to Clem, he goes into a rant about how he has to do everything and maybe I should just find another place to live. Annie, my name is on everything and I am financially responsible for all our bills. I don't want bad credit. I can't leave. Am I wrong to feel like all I am is a cash cow and a maid? Moo Laa in Iowa

Dear Iowa:
Even though Clem contributes little to the household, he still controls your money and then uses anger and threats to make you behave the way he wants. Is there a reason Clem doesn't have a full-time job? Is he incapable of doing household chores to lighten your load?

You don't mention love and apparently there are no children, so if Clem is simply unmotivated and emotionally abusive, we aren't sure why you want to stay in this relationship. Get counseling, with or without him, and figure out your next step.

Test your Marriage Money Skills
Take our marriage money skills quiz to improve your joint understanding and communication about money. You and your partner should answer the questions separately and then compare notes.

1. My partner handles money:
a. Like a bull in a china shop.
b. According to our mutually agreed upon plan.
c. In a way I have never completely understood.

2. My partner and I have discussed:
a. Our long and short term financial goals.
b. Why we never seem to be going anywhere and whose fault it is.
c. The balances in our separate accounts.

3. I understand how to:
a. Call my honey and ask for a larger allowance.
b. Tell a bill collector: "No! No cash for you!"
c. Pay bills, manage accounts, and talk to financial advisers.

4.My partner and I divide the money management tasks in our household:
a. By custom.
b. By natural ability.
c. By sheer neglect.

5. We have established a budget based on:
a. Our current spending habits and our future financial goals.
b. A document prepared 15 years ago by a credit counselor.
c. Never mentioning the "B" word in our household.

6.I know my spouse's:
a. Investment personality and risk tolerance.
b. Greatest financial foibles.
c. Name

7. I am confident that:
a. I know everything about my partner's financial picture.
b. I know where my partner stashes cash.
c. I don't feel too confident about the whole thing anyway.

8. My spouse and I have made a commitment to:
a. Each other
b.Never go to bed angry.
c. Discuss our finances regularly.

Scoring:
The answers that lead to better communication about money between partners are listed below. If you and your partner have a different answer to the question,this is an excellent opportunity for both of you to discuss your feelings.

1. B
2.A
3.C
4.B
5.A
6.A
7.A
8.C

Excerepted from It's More Than Money--It's Your Life! by Candace Bahr and Ginita Wall, and reprinted with permission from the Women's Institute for Financial Education (WIFE.org)

Consider your Financial Intimacy Before you Tie the Knot by: Romano Brothers & Company
Financial intimacy is right up there with physical or emotional intimacy according to Joseph R.V. Romano, President, Romano Brothers & Co. a 40 year old independent Evanston Investment firm. While Romano is hesitant to call himself a relationship expert, he notes that many divorced couples rank "financial issues" among the top reasons for their failed marriage. The following are tips that Romano offers to make life beyond your wedding day, a success.

Know your Level of Debt
Will you pay off or reduce your debt before marriage? Will you work together to perhaps consolidate at a lower rate? This is also helpful in understanding the spending habits of your spouse>

Discuss Registration of Assets
How will your assets be titled once married, in joint tenancy or separate accounts? While joint tenancy is the most common, confusion often arises with assets brought into the relationship.

Budget
If you select separate checking accounts, how will the household expenses be split? Options are to split expenses 50/50 per account or one spouse takes burdens like rent and food, while the other spouse takes cars expenses and entertainment. If you select a "joint" method, determine how to budget and balance each spouses desire for personal expenditures.

Discuss Lifestyle Objectives
Assess your financial situation to determine how it will affect your lifestyle. For example, when do you want kids and is it financially feasible? How will you fund these expenses and save for college? Where might you cut back, if necessary? Can you support a one-income family?

Discuss Savings
If one of you is better at saving and one at spending, how will you balance these? Can you agree on a level of savings for retirement, college, and children and still maintain a lifestyle suitable for you and your spouse?

Consider a Pre-nup
This is more common for those choosing marriage later in life, business owners, remarrying divorcees and remarrying older couples with children. Also, this may be suitable for a situation in which one spouse has assets or concerns due to inheritance issues.

Founded in 1962, Romano Brothers & Company is a self-clearing firm with over a half billion assets under management. The firm serves individuals, corporations, foundations and trusts with investments in common stocks, tax-exempt bonds, government securities, corporate bonds, and mutual funds. www.romanobrothers.org

Dear Annie:
My husband and I fight every year during the holidays, and frankly, I've come to hate them. His parents live around the corner. Every Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Mother's Day, you name it, must be spend with them. My in-laws are 70, and my husband thinks every holiday could be their last. He says holidays are about family, but why should I have to spend my holiday with HIS family? My grandmother is 84, my mom is living with a chronic disease, they both live nearby and yet I never get to spend a holiday with them. The best I can do is see them the day before, and my husband doesn't go with me. When is enough enough? The Holiday Hater

Dear Holiday:
It's enough. Your husband is being unfair. Most married couples alternate holidays, some have the main celebration at their house and invite both sides, and others ignore the extended families altogether. If your husband insists on spending every holiday at his parents' home, let him. Join him now and then, but otherwise, go wherever you want.

Legal Questions & Answers
Q: Carrie bought some clothing on a layaway plan, expecting that her husband would pay for it. Is he required to do so?

A: No. A husband is not automatically required to cover all of his wife's obligations. If Carrie's husband is adequately providing her with clothing or giving her a sufficient allowance to buy it, he is not liable for completing her layaway purchases.

Q: My husband bought a $2,400 stereo system for his den. He made a $200 down payment and signed a contract to make monthly payments over the next two years. If he stops paying, could I be required to take over the payments?

A: No. If what your husband bought was a family necessity, you might be required to pay for it. But since a stereo is not a necessity, you cannot be held responsible. Generally, one spouse is not responsible for contracts made by the other. If the debt is in your husband's name, he is responsible for paying it. Under the married women's acts, a creditor cannot force you to settle your husband's debts for items that are not family necessities.

Q: My wife used my credit card to buy a brand new $2,500 fur coat. Am I obligated to pay for it?

A: Your duty to pay will be based in part on your past history with that particular credit card. If you have routinely given the card to your wife to use, you would be liable. By allowing her to use the card, you have given her your permission to make charges on that credit card in your name.

If your name alone was on the credit card application, but you requested a duplicate card for her use, you are still liable for the coat. However, if both names were on the application, you are both equally responsible for all charges, regardless of who made them.

Q: Am I liable for the monthly mortgage payments if my husband purchases a home in his own name?

A: No. Since the title of the house is in his name and you did not sign any papers relating to the purchase, you have no legal interest in the property. The bank, or other holder of the mortgage, cannot force you to make payments on the property.

Q: Is a husband responsible for debts incurred by his wife before they were married?

A: Not necessarily. Some states will not impose any liability on the husband unless a contract outlined his responsibility for his wife's debts. Other states impose a limited liability on the husband. For example, if no agreement was made about the debts prior to the marriage, a husband's maximum liability is limited to the value of any property his wife transferred to him when they married. If she conveyed to him property worth $15,000 and her premarital debts totaled $21,000, he could be held responsible for only $15,000. The remaining $6,000 is her debt.

Q: If I run a newpaper notice stating that I am not responsible for my spouse's debts, will this protect me in any way?

A: A newspaper notice may not be an acceptable way to notify creditors of your limited liability. Actual notice should be sent to the merchants who have given you and your spouse credit in the past. However, some states require that you take out an advertisement in a local paper warning merchants who have never extended credit to you that you are no longer responsible for your spouse's debts.

Q: Can I be held responsible for my husband's unpaid taxes?

A: If this is an income tax matter, it will depend on the type of income tax return that was filed. If you and your husband filed a joint return, you are equally liable for any tax. If your husband refuses to contribute to the unpaid taxes, the Internal Revenue Service can legally require you to pay the entire amount.

Payment of real estate and personal property taxes depends on your legal interest in the property. You do not automatically have a duty to pay taxes that are assessed on your spouse's property. The primary duty falls on the person who holds legal title to the property. If the property is held jointly, you would have to pay the taxes.

Even if the property is not in your name, you may want to pay the taxes to avoid losing the property. For example, if title to the car is in your husband's name, you may want to pay the taxes to prevent its being sold to meet tax obligations. There is nothing to prevent one person from paying another's taxes.