Family

Family
Article: Family
Article: Children & Relationships
Article: Home training
Chapter from Research before Romance (Family)

Research before Romance-Family by: T. L. Moss

Domestic violence, sexual predators and the list goes on, know what kind of family you are
marrying into?. More than likely your significant other needs to see a therapist, and if they don't want to because of the history they've absorbed in a family like this, you'll probably have some problems in your marriage, eventually.

Overly protective mothers, fathers that come and go, siblings that need and take if they aren't given, children from past relationships that don't like you, baby mama's/daddies that don't want you co-parenting their children.

Parents that may need to be helped in the future, because they haven't planned their futures, will you allow them to live in your home? are you prepared to financially support them? Need I say more. The family element of the relationship is a deal breaker. Take this in, and depending on how your spouse/future spouse reacts, should be the reason you decide to stay or go.

What is it about family that makes you wonder, yes or no? Is she a daddy's girl? Is he a momma's boy? Does your significant other have a good relationship with their parents? If he hates his mother, he may not treat you well. Siblings that intrude when you have disagreements?

You should also know what kind of family history will be pasted on to your children if you marry this person. Addictions, some kind of health issues etc.

If you know your children will be born with 5 toes, and 2 fingers (an out of the way example) would you marry this person? Okay so you decide the love is real, and you marry,and begin having children who are born deformed. Then, you realize you made a mistake, you love your children, but can't stand the sight of your significant other anymore. What have you done to your life? and the lives of your children, who are not only born with deformities, but must live a life dealing with lots of negativity, which could have been avoided.

Or, as I've seen way to often, you give birth to a child with ADHD, a behavioral problem, that can only be controlled with medication. Why would you give birth to a child you know will have behavioral problems.

A co-worker had children with a man who was not only an abusive bad boy, and was in/out of jail, but
had ADHD that was had gone untreated for years. She brought her children to a company outing one summer and both were literally bouncing off the trees, picnic tables, garbage cans. No wonder she always looked so tired at 8 a.m.

Another family I'm familiar with, had dark secrets, that over the years have come to light. The males in the family are abusive, and had a history of beating their wives and girlfriends. But, the women never filed charges. I found out, from one of the women, that she wanted to call the police, but was threatened by the man's sisters and nieces, that if she did, they would find her, and finish what he'd started.

On a recent visit home, I was told that this woman died of natural causes. But, one thing she did before she left this world, was file charges. Now if this individual even raises his voice to his significant other, all she has to do is pretend to pick up the phone, and he's as meek as a lamb.

Family can make or break a relationship, and you can see through and around the way your significant other is treated, or how they treat each other. If your mother in law doesn't like you now, she probably won't like you 10 years from now. And, more than likely she'll undermine the way you raise your children, criticize the way you treat her son/daughter, and the list goes on.

In the event you want to continue on, knowing what kind of family your significant other comes from, learn the art of patience, forgiveness, and counting to 1 million. Practice that with a smile on your face, without moving your lips, and oh yeah, with direct eye contact.

Research before Romance-Children by: T. L. Moss

Okay, so he has children, or she has children, and you want to have children together. Conversations about what to do about children, should be discussed BEFORE an intimate relationship. The what if's are very important.

I've met several blended families over the years, and seen too many sad stories in the news to count. On too many occasions, the significant other doesn't want his/her children around, and the results are the cause of news headlines. I'm picking up the newspaper today, about the story of a man killing his wife's 2 year old daughter, because the child didn't have manners. And yet another where the 11 year old child shot and killed his pregnant stepmother while she slept.

Children who don't like you, children who don't respect you, children who think if they misbehave, it will cause their parents to reunite. These are red flags. I just had a conversations with a friend girl today, her relationship is over, because his children didn't like her, and caused problems.

You should also be weary of a parent who's children don't want to see him/her, or children he/she can only see supervised, or a parent who doesn't show interest in seeing his/her children at all.

I've also observed men/women who are involved in illegal activities that partner up with a single parent. What you do at his/her home is something you make a decison to do, what you do in your home where your children sleep, may be the biggest mistake of your life. And in the event you move the person into your home, you will need to always be on guard. Home invasions, robberies, drive bys, and let's not forget the possibility of your children being taken away by your local social service agency (child endangerment).

Dating parents shouldn't rush into bringing their children together, until they get to know each other, well.
Find out what kind of childhood your significant other had, ask questions. Like, was there any type of alcohol or drug abuse?, sexual abuse?, and if so, was there counseling? These are heavy duty conversations, but important to a healthy relationship, and a solid marriage.

My childhood friends brother, was a sexual predator, who as an adult, dated a woman with children, the family said nothing, and it wasn't until the man was accused of molesting his girlfriend's children, that the dirty little secret was revealed. It tore the family apart. Those that knew it to be true, and those that didn't want the secret exposed. To this day, they're still battling.

A childhood friend shared that after falling in love with a divorced woman with children, he met her teenage children, who had serious behavior problems. The boy tried to fight with him, and the girl accused him of approaching her inappropriately. The father of the children, decided after hearing about the engagement, to give up his custody rights, which left the children in the custody of their mother full time.
Counseling was out of the question, he admitted. He just wasn't interested in dealing with the daily drama that came with being a stepfather to these children.

His fiancee was certain that in 5 years they would both be out of the house, and independent. He didn't see it happening, and he was right. The boy was in and out of jail, the girl got pregnant before getting out of high school, and they both were in and out of the home. He finally broke off the engagement. He loved his fiancee, but the constant battle with her children was too much.

Not every relationship with children ends like this, but if there's problems before you walk down the aisle, there's going to be problems after you're married.

A Cheaters segment, a young mother met a man in the restaurant where she worked. They began dating, and she introduced her children to a man, she didn't know. He told her that he was a widower with a young child, living with his parents. He then promised to provide a future for her and her children, including building a house. What he failed to tell her was that he was married to a woman that was very much alive. and they lived with their young child, in a beautiful home in the suburbs.

When the lie was revealed, the woman broke down, her dream shattered. But, it was her own fault, she not only had introduced her children to a man she didn't know, but she failed to do her homework. Had she taken the time to do her research, she would have discovered that he was married and his wife wasn't dead.

Background checks can provide you with marriage and death certificates.

In yet another, article, (Family Circle) the mother of an infant rolled over when she heard the early morning cries of her newborn son. Her husband assured her he would see to the child. The next morning the baby was found dead. The death certificate said the child had died from SIDS, but in the back of her mind, the mother suspected something more. During her grieving period, her husband filed for divorce claiming his wife was blaming him for the death of their child.

The woman, talked to detectives who began their own investigation, and what they discovered was tragic.
The man she had married, had been married twice before, and each time, his infant child had died. It wasn't mentioned whether he divorced the two wives before her, but what the detectives did find was that he had collected insurance on each child. When they finally caught up with him he had remarried, and his 4th wife was ready to give birth.

A little out there? maybe, but one has to be open minded to everything, especially when it involves children.

Who are you allowing into your life? and why are they really there? Your in love with him/her, but how are they treating your children? It's apparent early on, how someone is going to treat your children, and if you aren't listening, watching closely, you'll miss important body language, voice tones, and everything in between.

I have dated men in my past who were single parents, and men who had weekend/summer custody. I have met some of their children, but it was not my choose. I knew this was a relationship that wasn't going to last, and didn't appreciate being put on the spot. Several of the children had behavioral problems, others were mad because they wanted their parents back together, and then there were a couple of children who were just indifferent. They had experienced too many introductions.

I reviewed an advice column some time ago that told the story of a young mother of 4. She met a man who was living on the streets, she bought him lunch, one day, and moved him into her home the next. This man never contributed a penny to the household. Never tried to educate himself, or get a job. She bought all the food, his cigarettes, alcohol, clothes and paid the rent, for 30 years.

All 4 of her children graduated from college, and bought their mother a home. However, one condition was, he was not welcome to live with her. The author was the man who was forced to return to the streets after 30 years of being taken care of by a single mother of 4. He mentioned that he had been a handsome man, and now he wouldn't be able to attract another woman.

And one more mention regarding children and relationships, it has to do with the telephone. If you are a parent, it is very important that you train your children not to interrupt you while your on the telephone.
Is is not only very irritating to the person your talking to, but is distracting. Why, are you trying to talk to your caller and your children at the same time? It's something that should not only be considered for personal calls, but business calls as well.

Unless it's an emergency, you should not be carrying on a conversation with your children, while your on the telephone. It's very disrespectful, and rude.

So, in conclusion, children and relationships can work out very well, but only if it's the right person, who is willing to provide a healthy, happy life for you and your children. Do your research, it doesn't cost much, therapy, costs a whole lot more than a background check.

Home Training (children) by: T. L. Moss

You've finally met your S.O's children and are concerned about your future together, especially since it'll include these children. They're at an age where they should be acting a certain way, but they're not. It's what can be referred to as a lack of hometraining.

Huh, Na, and what, is how they answer questions, rolling of the eyes, alot of shoulder shrugging, smacking of lips/teeth, it's like they've have limited social interactions. Slamming doors, heavy walking through the house, the whole atmophere is thick with negative energy. There's no manners at the table, and they address their elders by their first names. This was not the way you were raised, or how your children are raised. And these children would be your stepchildren, full time.

They have been suspended and expelled from numerous schools, and from the little bit of conversation you've tried to have with them, they don't seem to have a clear grasp of the english language. Interrupting adult conversations on the phone and in person is constant, and they seem to know too much about things that are none of their business.

There's no structure in the home, the children have no chores or responsibilities and it's obvious they don't have respect for your S. O. The children they spend time with, don't appear to be focused on school either, and you would feel uncomfortable leaving them alone in your home.

Eating habits include junk food and junk food, and your S.O. only seems to be concerned about doing his/her 40 hours and you. The above may be a little out there, but it covers what has happened, what does happen, and what should be observed if your dating a single parent.

Your S.O's parenting skills should be the subject of concern at this point, especially if you have children in your home. If your children are studious, polite, well mannered, children with chores, and a routine, mixing them with these children, could create some problems. It's something to think about. Counseling may be helpful, but this should happen before you combine the households. This is a discussion that should happen as soon as now.

Family Relationship (before, during and after I do)
How to Handle Family Feuds
Woman Misses Family
Enabling Parents Addiction
Holiday Visiting
Future Brother in Law Ignores Her
Dropping in Unannounced
DIL Avoids Communication
DIL is Drama Queen
Wives Hate each Other
Son's Girlfriend Disliked
Try to Get Along with His Family
Dad is Dependent on Daughter
Daughter's Disrespectful Date
A Wife's Role....
I Encouraged Her to Love Her Future MIL
Family Demands
Family of Angry People
Husband's Paramour
FIL Gets Too Many Details
Deathbed Promise
MIL has to Go
Resenting Family's Intrusion
Boyfriend Not Social with my Family
Aunt is Troublemaker
Husband Helps Ailing Parents
Family Has no Table Manners
Kid's Didn't Invite Mom's Boyfriend
Divorced Dad Moved in Young Girlfriend
Overbearing Mother
Abuse Victim Lacks Family Support
Children Before Bad Behavior
Son's Behavior
Mom is a Shopoholic
Parent's Excluded
No Family Introductions
Her Mother dislikes Me

How to Handle Feuding Relatives by: Kathleen Terrana
Sometimes the bride will need to meet individually with family members before the wedding and address their concerns. She will need to remain "centered" and try not to get defensive if the conversation becomes difficult.

Here are some tips on how to handle these conversations:

Give your guest the opportunity to get concerns off his/her chest. Listen calmly and sympathetically, without interrupting. If the person is a compulsive talker, use every conversational gap to guide the conversation back to the original concern.

Avoid emotive words. If your guest is rehashing old family gossip, problems and grudges, politely inform them that the matter at hand is their comfort at your wedding.

Give them useful information that will address their concerns. Tell them that everyone is invited to the bridal shower, but you will not be offended if they decline to attend because of another guest.

When the guest hears that you are listening, he/she appreciates your interest, and your relationship develops. This may help you with future family problems.

If the guest remains angry, remember that you do not have to make an angry person into a nice person. Use courteous words and phrases, and thank them for sharing this special day.

The savvy bride will address any family issues before the wedding day. Her guests will be relaxed and comfortable, enjoying this celebration with hearts full of love.

About the author: Kathleen Terrana is the owner of Beautiful Bridal specializing in discount tiaras, veils and bridal jewelry.

Woman misses her family
Dear Annie:
Seven years ago, I left my marriage of 22 years to be with someone I still absolutely adore. However, I now realize that as much as we love each other, he will never love my children, two grandchildren, or family. He doesn't care if he ever sees them or, as a matter of fact, his own family. I also love his family and am very much involved in keeping in contact with them.

We moved away from both of our families for his job. We are now almost 1,000 miles from them in a cold, dreary place. I miss my children and am becoming very depressed. I understood that after a couple of years we would be moving closer to home, but now that the two years are almost up, my husband says the company needs him here. I know for a fact that several managers have been able to move elsewhere. I really think he is more comfortable living away.

My husband is a good man, but living far away from everything that is dear to me is not the life I expected. I now believe it would have been better not to jump into another marriage. I think my ex and I would probably be growing closer because we'd be enjoying our grandbabies together. He gets to see a lot more of them now than I do. I miss them. What can I do? More Alone Now than Ever

Dear More Alone:
You can arrange to visit your children and grandchildren as often as possible, and if your husband doesn't wish to see them, he doesn't have to accompany you. It's too bad he isn't more enthusiastic, but you don't need his approval or permission to stay close to your family. It may never be as much contact as you'd like, but all choices have consequences, dear.

Man Enables Parents' Addictions
December 23, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I have known "Gary" for three years and we are now engaged. I love him with all my heart and soul. However, I am being pushed just a little too far, not by Gary, but by his parents. He cannot say no to them.

Gary's father has a major gambling problem, and his mother is a hard-core drinker. These people neglect Gary in his times of need and have tried to destroy everything in his life. They have used their son for money, which he doesn't have, and played on his emotions by throwing guilt trips on him. They make him feel bad whenever they find out he has extra money in his bank account. Yet somehow they can find money for booze and casinos while their house is going into foreclosure.

I have minimal contact with his parents because they tried to split us up. They want Gary to move back in with them. When I talk to Gary about the controlling, manipulative, hurtful things his parents do, he gets mad and walks out on me. Last week was the third time he packed his things and left.

Gary is a kind, sweet man, but he won't deal with this problem. He doesn't like confrontation. I have been nice to his parents and even try to help them out within reason, but they still have it in for me.

I don't see why we should be giving them money when we don't have much. I am so burnt out over this that I can't see us having any kind of future together. Am I making a mistake by marrying him? Enough Already

Dear Enough:
This is not about Gary's parents. It's about the way Gary responds to them. It is not a good sign that he refuses to stop enabling their addictive behaviors, then won't discuss it. Suggest he contact Al-Anon (al-anon.alateen.org) and Gam-Anon (gam-anon.org) for information.

We guarantee this will be an ongoing problem, and whether you break off the engagement will depend on how much you are willing to tolerate.

Dear Yo:
I have a holiday quandary. Every year my husband and I spend Christmas at my mother in law's house. Don't get me wrong, I love my in-laws and they have always treated me well, but I think that we should sometimes spend Christmas with my family. My family has a huge celebration every year, and my children and I never get to be part of it. My mom has even said to invite his parents, so that they can get to see us during the holidays. Well every time I suggest it, my husband says that we cannot break his family tradition, that we have raised our kids to know that on Christmas we are at his mother and father's house and that we should keep it that way.

Well out kids are only 4 and 21/2 so it is not too late to make new traditions, right? Well, I told my husband that his year, I am taking the kids and going to my parents and that he is welcome to come if he likes, and if he doesn't that is fine too. Am I wrong? Home for the Holidays

Yo Home for the Holidays:
No I don't think that you are wrong and it is really selfish of him not to compromise with you. Why not alternate years? I think that it is also very gracious of your parents to invite his parents to their house. It is okay that he wants to hold onto his family traditions, but you should have the same luxury. When you got married, two became one and so you start your own family traditions. Set the example for your kids that there is nothing wrong with combining both families for the holidays or going to one family's house one year and the other side of the family the next. Hopefully he will see the error of his ways and join you at your parents. If not, go and enjoy yourself. If he doesn't get on board, then maybe your new holiday tradition is one year with his family and the next you and the kids with yours.

What's with my Future Brother in Law?
Q: My fiance and I have been together for three years and we are getting married soon. One of his brothers lives in California, and in the time that my fiance and I have been together, this brother has never cocme out to visit anyone in the family. He isn't coming out for the wedding because he says that he doesn't have the money. It wouldn't cost much for a plane ticket for him and his wife, and they could always stay at someone's house. Also, whenever this brother mails pictures, cards, etc., everything is addressed to my fiance, as if I don't even exist. I know he and his wife have never met me, but they know of me. I'm just so irritated with this situation. Am I overreacting? N.B.

A: Nope, you're not overreacting. You have every reason to feel snubbed. Your future brother in law and his wife are exhibiting more impressively bad manners here. Even if they can't make the wedding, you'd think that they could extend themselves a little and welcome you into the family. But, for whatever reason, they're not.

One of the most shocking truths of human existence is the degree to which things---even things that upset or hurt us deeply---really are not about us. Sometimes I think that if the universe could speak, and it was allowed only a single sentence with which to convey the most useful tidbit of wisdom for all humanity, it would say, "Whatever it is, don't take it personally."

Don't take this personally. When you see the envelope arrive without your name on it, do not imagine that the brother is sending some kind of covert message that you're not welcome, or that he secretly believes your fiance should have married his junior high school girlfriend. The thing is, you don't know all that much about this brother or what's going on in his life. He could be the morbidly shy member of the family. He could feel like the black sheep. He could be depressed, on the verge of losing his job, his car, his wife, his hair.

Maybe he doesn't know your last name, I'm serious.

All of this is a way of saying, don't make assumptions. At this early juncture, don't let his bad manners prevent you from being the bigger person and exhibiting good manners yourself. The next time the brother sends pictures, why not simply shoot him back a note saying, "Hi, Bob and Sally! N.B. here. John showed me the pictures of you guys in Aspen and I felt the urge to write and tell you that I also ski, and I'm hoping one day we can all get together and hit the slopes." You never know---he may be so relieved at your warmth and willingness to connect that you'll become his favorite sister in law. And if not? Move on.

Dear Annie:
My brother in law and his wife live about seven hours away and have an annoying habit of dropping in on us unexpectedly. We've asked them to let us know in advance, but they never do. As family, they're always welcome and we do enjoy seeing them, but why don't they call first to let us know they're coming? They each have cell phones.

The last time, they stopped by just as my wife and I were heading out the door to go on a short trip. Their unexpected overnight stay caused us to cancel our plans. One of these days they are going to show up at our house and we won't even be home. Are they being passive--aggressive, or is it just bad manners? Baffled in the Midwest

Dear Baffled:
Both. A seven hour drive requires some planning, so they apparently get a kick out of disrupting your lives and taking advantage of your good nature. The only way to break them of this annoying behavior is to be unavailable when they drop by. If you don't already have another commitment, make one. Then apologize profusely, saying how awful it is that you can't visit, but you already made other plans that cannot be changed. Wave good--bye on your way out and tell them to please call next time so it doesn't happen again. We bet it won't.

Daughter in Law Avoids Communications
July 5, 2005 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I have reared four sons, mostly by myself. My youngest son ran away from college to pursue his dreams, fell in love with a girl, and married her a year ago.

I always have welcomed my sons' significant others, but this one has me perplexed. When they first began dating, I flew out to meet her and told her how much I approved of her, which I do. I send cards and flowers on her birthday and ask to speak to her when I call, but she rejects me to the point where I am brokenhearted.

My son married in a civil ceremony, to which I was not invited, and it just about killed me inside. But this silent treatment has me depressed. I bought them a nice wedding gift, but my son is the only one who responds. How can I get through to my newest daughter in law? Can't Understand It in Wheaton Ill.

Dear Wheaton:
It's possible your new daughter in law is terribly shy. Shy people can come across as snooty or rude, but she may be so intimidated by you that it is easier for her to avoid all forms of communication.

You need to discuss this with your son. Ask him what you can do to warm things up between you. Whatever happens, keep trying, Mom

Dear Annie:
My daughter in law "Cheri" is gorgeous, intelligent, witty and charming. She is also spoiled, vindictive, manipulative, and hurtful. Did I mention she lies? (My son jokes that she exaggerates.") Three years ago, my son invited us to visit them. He even suggested we look at houses in the area. When I asked Cheri when we should arrive, she said, "Wednesday or Thursday". We arrived midday on Wednesday, she took one look at us and said, "You aren't supposed to be here until tomorrow!" She called my son to come home immediately.

After dinner, we babysat while my son and Cheri went out for the evening. The next day, he went to work while we took care of the kids, cleaned up the kitchen, did the laundry, and worked on the list of repairs Cheri gave my husband while she was out doing "errands". I was asked to cook dinner, which required a trip to the grocery store and $150 worth of food that Cheri picked out for us to buy.

After a week of this, I lost my sense of humor and said soe things to Cheri about the way we'd been treated. She said some things back. When I said I wanted to go home, she told me to pack.

We were wrong to leave without talking to our son. I don't know what Cheri told him, but I suspect she "exaggerated." He hasn't spoken to us since, even though his father has had two heart surgeries. I fell into a deep depression and am just now getting better. We miss the grandkids. Since my apologies have fallen on deaf ears and my son won't listen, what can we do? Missing Them

Dear Missing Them:
We're sure she told him you arrivedd inconveniently, stayed too long, expected to be treated like royalty and picked a fight with her. She probably insisted he choose between you---and he chose his wife. This is a sad but common story. It's a shame Cheri is too selfish to encourage her husband to see his parents on his own, and that he doesn't have the backbone to stand up to her. Keep trying, but don't expect much. You can benefit from discussing your grief and disappointment with a therapist who will help you come to terms with the situation.

Sons' Wives Hate Each Other
Dear Annie:
I am the father of five children, four of whom are adults. My two oldest sons, "Jason" and "Jared," are married, but their wives hate each other and refuse to attend family functions where the other may be present.

My wife and I have refused to involve ourselves in the fight between our daughters in law. We invite both to family functions, and they decide whether they will attend.

Recently, however, Jason's wife told us that she and my son will not speak to us or visit if we have ny contact with Jared and his wife. She says it is disrespectful to her when we speak to Jared or his wife. This is especially difficult now because Jason and his wife are expecting our first grandchild.

My wife and I have refused to give in to our daughter in law's blackmail, but we don't want to give up contact with Jason or our future grandchild. Any advice? Squeezed In Kentucky

Dear Squeezed:
For shame. The only disrespectful person here is your daughter in law, who is behaving like a spoiled brat.
For her to punish you because she can't deal with her sister in law is a sign of immaturity and selfishness. The fact that your son won't speak up indicates he lacks backbone and independent thought. She also may be an abuser who is trying to isolate her husband from his family. Talk to your son and tell him you are so sorry his wife feels she has the right to dictate your relationships with others. Explain that if she doesn't wish to see you or the rest of the family, that is her choice, but you hope he will have the decency to keep in touch on his own. A supportive wife would insist on it.

Daughter Dislikes Son's Girlfriend
May 20, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
My wife and I have two wonderful children in their early 30s. They live in other cities but occasionally visit us with their respective companions. We have no problem with our son's girlfriend or our daughter's boyfriend or our daughter's boyfriend spending the night. These are serious adult relationships.

The problem is, our daughter intensely dislikes our son's girlfriend, "Jennifer". We admit Jennifer is a little high strung, but we get along with her and understand she could be our future daughter in law.

Our daughter now insists she isn't comfortable around Jennifer. She was planning to spend her vacation with us this summer, but says she won't come if Jennifer is around. If we tell our daughter to put up with Jennifer, she'll say we favor her brother. If I tell our son that Jennifer cannot stay, he'll sy we are taking his sister's side. We love both our children and are not quite sure how to handle the situation without alienating one of them.

We respect your down to earth advice. Please help us out. Torn Parents in Denver

Dear Denver:
Have an adult discussion with your daughter. Sympathize with her about Jennifer, agreeing that she can be difficult. Then make her understand that her future relationship with her brother may depend on her ability to get long with this woman. Ask her to do her best for the sake of the family and make an effort to discover the good qualities in Jennifer that her brother sees. Then promise her you will try to arrange these visits so they don't overlap more than necessary.

Try to make it work with his family
Occasionally you fall into a lovely set of in-laws who dote on you and treat you like a daughter; just as often they’re apt to be a little grabby, tacky and suspicious (especially his mother and sister!) At best, they are different from you. Well, just because he picked you or you picked him doesn’t mean you would have picked them! If he’s close to his folks, but you don’t get on all that well, why not let him visit them oftener than you do.

Even if you do get on well, why must visits always be from the two of you? I see my sister in Oklahoma much more often than David does; he sees his stepmother in New York more often than I do ( and I do forgive her for sniffily asking David, early in our marriage when I was beavering away on some manuscripts out under her banyan trees, “ Doesn’t your wife have any hobbies”?-she who has practiced her violin four hours a day every day of her adult life and is now ninety).

If they are mean and unfair to you, and he always sides them against you, I can’t see how the marriage will last; you’ve got to come first. Once that’s established, you must be respectful of his family, and try never to allow a real rift between him and these people who raised him or between you and him and them just because they’re a little funny.

Palin Fiance's Mother enters Drug-case Plea
January 6, 2009 The Blade
The mother of Sarah Palin's future son in law pleaded not guilty yesterday to the drug charges against her.
Sherry Johnston is charged with six felony counts of misconduct involving a controlled substance relating to possession and sale of the prescription painkiller Oxy-Contin.

Ms. Johnston, 42 is the mother of Levi Johnston, the Wasilla teen who made headlines in September after Mrs. Palin announced that her daughter Bristol was pregnant by him. The child was born late last month.

Dad makes it hard for daughter to leave
Dear Annie:
Except for a five month period when I was married, I've lived with my father my entire life. My great grandma lived with Dad, even while he was married. This means my father has never lived alone.

My boyfriend and I plan to get a house soon, and I haven't told my father. Dad truly cannot be by himself, and he's very unpleasant when he doesn't get his way. I love him to death, but my 4 year old son and I can't live here forever.

Living with Dad is hard. I'm like his personal servant. I've tried talking to my grandmother, who tells me not to let Dad stop me from moving on with my life. Then she calls my father and tells him I "don't want to be stuck taking care of him." This doesn't help.

Dad is 60 years old, and his company is about to go under. He won't be able to start another career. He claims he has no problem with my leaving as long as we find a house with a room for him. But he can't afford a four-bedroom home. The house we've picked is less than a mile away and he still disapproves. What can we do? Stuck Here Forever

Dear Stuck:
Your father is afraid to be alone, but it would engender self-respect and a sense of competence for him to learn how capable he can be. Ease the transition by preparing some meals and putting them in the freezer with instructions and by visiting daily to see that he is OK and to reassure him that you are nearby. Invite him for dinner the first week you move out. Then push him to get involved in activities that will make him less dependent on you. Would he get a part-time job, join a health club, choir, art class, theater group or political organization? Can he teach a class or volunteer to run local tours? Be patient but firm. He needs to know you are moving on--and out.

Dear Annie:
I am a retired naval officier. Two weeks ago, my 16 year old daughter had a date with a young man I had never met. My wife, a teacher at the school, said he was a good kid. When the young man showed up to get my daughter, he sat in the car and honked the horn (strike 1). I went out and told him she was not ready, and he should come into the house. He did, then proceeded to call my wife by her first name (strike 2). When he tried the same with me, I very sternly said, “ You can call me ‘Sir’. Finally, when my daughter cam down, he blurted, out “ It’s about time” (strike 3). At this I blew my stack.

In military fashion, an inch from his face and speaking loudly, I proceeded to tell him that I will not allow anyone to treat my family this way. I grabbed his coat and threw it outside and informed him that unless he also wanted to end up on the ground, he would leave and never see my daughter again.

My daughter cried, as expected, but my wife has not spoken to me in two weeks. She says I should remember that I no longer wear a uniform. She thinks I owe “Junior” an apology. I told her he owes our family an apology for his lack of respect.Tell me Annie, was I wrong? My wife and I will do whatever you say. Lost in Lainsgsburg

Dear Lost:
Your disciplinary tactics are too harsh for civilians. Such severity may keep all young men at bay, and while it could protect your daughter’s chastity, it also will isolate her from normal socializing. She needs to learn how to manage these young men on her own, so that she will be prepared for adult relationships.

Your daughter should have known your “ date fitness” requirements in advance. It’s OK to say that you did not like the boy’s attitude and let HER tell him to be more respectful, or even calmly explain the rules to the boy yourself. But you should not have gotten in his face. Still, we don’t believe you owe him an apology, although you might apologize to your daughter for throwing her date out the door.

Ask Laskas
Q: My husband's family believes a woman's role is to have babies and stay home to raise them. We love kids but aren't ready. The result? Constant hints that I can't cook or take care of my husband properly because I have a job and don't devote myself full-time to housekeeping. I want to explode and run screaming into the night, but I love my husband and don't want to make him choose between his family and me. How can I can the criticism? Enough Already

A: Dear Enough:
Go ahead, explode and run screaming into the night--just drag your husband along. The most important thing is that it's the two of you who decide when the time is right to start a family. Talk it out with him and make sure you're still on the same timetable. Then, when the sun comes up, ask him to please put a muzzle on the meddling mutts, er, his family

Dear Zazz:
When my daughter got married a few years back, I encouraged her to show love and respect to her mother in law. Boy did my daughter take my advice? She now dots on the woman. She pays more attention to her mother in law than she does to me. I’m in my 50s. Her mother in law is 82. How do I tell my daughter I feel neglected? Sorry for my Advice

Dear Sorry:
Women often seem to get along better with their grandmothers in law ( the sweet old lady syndrome) than their mothers in law ( considered witches until proven otherwise). The age of your daughters mother in law probably makes her seem more like a grandmother, and thus more lovable and less troublesome.

Also your daughter could be paying attention to her husband’s mom because the woman needs more care than you do, or because such doting pleases her husband.

Your daughter has shown she welcomes your advice. This time, tell her that might just be overly sensitive, but you feel neglected. It’s possible that your daughter already considers the love between the two of you to be unshakable. Maybe, for the first few years of marriage, she’d like to get to know and love the woman who raised her husband.

Woman Resents Sweetie's Family Demands
July 12, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I am dating the most wonderful man in the world. "Oscar" does everything for me. He is kind and sweet. But his family is a problem.

We could be in the middle of supper, but if his mother needs him to run to the store (she has a car and is capable of driving it), he will leave. Sometimes I won't see him for hours and he comes back tired. He works hards at two jobs, and after he does all of his mother's household chores, I am lucky to get a phone call.

I have tried to be supportive, but someone from his family is always yelling at him to do something. He keeps making excuses why it is acceptable for them to treat him this way.

I've told Oscar how I feel, but after nine months, the situation has not changed in spite of his promises that it will. The only thing that makes me stay is that men like him are so hard to come by. He tells me he loves me and shows it when we're together. I'd just like time together that is not subject to postponement because his family needs him.

I really love this man, but everyone says he may as well marry his mother. I don't want to dump him. I want someone to tell me how to become his No. 1 priority. Lonely Girlfriend with Mixed Feelings

Dear Lonely:
It's unlikely to happen. Is Oscar such a terrific guy that you are willing to overlook the too--tight apron strings? Until he shows yoiu that you come first, you will continue to have this problem, and over time, you will become resentful. Either appreciate his good qualities and tolerate his attachment to his family, or cut him loose. You cannot count on changing him.

Family's Filled with Angry People
July 17, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
My father in law has lung cancer, and for over six months I took him to all his doctor appointments and treatments. The he called me, saying he no longer needed my help, that he had someone else to do the driving and run the errands. I found out later he was mad at my husband over some incident that had nothing to do with me.

I have had no contact with him since. I don't feel I should be punished for something I didn't do. Last week, His youngest daughter called me, informing me that my father in law now thinks I hate him, so he hates me too.. She asked that I make amends since his cancer has gotten worse and his days seem numbered.

What am I supposed to apologize for? I might add that my father in law is extremely immature and often acts like a spoiled brat if he doesn't get his way. I used to cook for my in-laws until my mother in law negatively critiqued my cooking one time too many. I no longer waste my time. I have an extremely weak relationship with my husband's siblings. Any suggestions would be helpful,as I have lost total respect for these people. C.

Dear C:
It sounds like you and your in-laws are a good match. You each take offense easily and hold grudges. You don't apologize to your father in law in order to "make amends". You simply need to forgive him. You may not have many more chances to do this, so please find a way to let go of the unpleasantness not only for his sake, but for yours and your husband's. Pick up the phone. Ask how he's feeling. Say nothing about your disappointment or his attitude. You'll feel better.

Husband's paramour still around
April 11, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
A few years ago, my husband, "Don" had an affair with a family friend. I discovered them kissing in the kitchen. I also found out Don's family knew about the affair. My sister in law actually provided a place for them to rendezvous.

My in laws still welcome this woman and her husband into their homes. They are often invited to family functions, even though my in-laws know how painful it is for me. When she is around my husband, she tries to involve herself in his conversation. When he is with her, he acts like nothing ever happened, joking and laughing. Don and I have been to counseling, but it doesn't help when I see this Jezebel in his mother's house all the time.

I have tried to explain how uncomfortable this makes me, but Don says it's not his fault she is at his parent's when he visits his family. That's true. I also know his family can do what they want in their own home.

This woman is married, and her husband just sits back and says nothing. Don was not her first affair, nor her most recent. I don't think he's interested in picking up where he left off, so what do I do?
Haunted by the Other Woman

Dear Haunted:
Don needs to stay away from this woman, and if that means avoiding his family when she is there, so be it. He owes it to you not to treat the affair lightly and expect you to be chummy with a woman who has no respect for your marriage. He should inform his parents and siblings that when Jezebel is present, he will leave. And he should keep his word.

Father-in-law get's too many details
June 17, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
My husband and his father call each other nonstop and talk about absolutely nothing. My husband tells his dad what kind of money we make, what we're doing, if we're going somewhere, what we are fixing to eat, what we are going to watch on TV, and on and on.

If they can't reach each other within five attempts, they start to phone everyone in the family. My husband treats me the same way. I have to keep my cell phone on 24 hours a day because if he can't locate me repeatedly in a 10 minute period, he becomes furious. And it's invariably because he wanted to tell me a joke or something equally unimportant. On one occasion, I was paying for gasoline and he called 19 times before I got back into the car where I'd left my cell phone.

What's even more annoying is that my husband and I will make a decision about something, but if his father disagrees, my husband will change his mind and side with Dad.

I am a very private person and don't want his father knowing my business. What's wrong with this picture? Going Nuts in Oklahoma

Dear Oklahoma:
You know what's wrong. Now you have to decide what you are going to do about it. Your husband and his father are so enmeshed that it is unlikely you will separate them, especially if your husband is unwilling to admit it's necessary. The main problem is not the overcommunication. It's that your husband takes his father's side over yours. Gentle discussion may help him understand why this is detrimental to your marriage. Counseling would be helpful, but if he won't go, go without him and find ways to work on his behavior and your reaction so it becomes less annoying.

Dear Annie:
Two years ago, my father in law, on his deathbed, made my husband promise to let Dad's 67 year old wife live with us because she was scared to stay by herself. It has been two years of hell!

"Doris" does nothing but eat and sleep all day. She never contributes to the household finances, even though she is able. She expects us to maintain her house and car and won't consider selling either one, even though she doesn't drive or use the house. My husband and I cannot go anywhere by ourselves because as soon as he starts the car engine, Doris is in the front seat.

My husband feels terribly guilty even thinking about asking Doris to move into a retirement center. I am ready to leave him just so I can have a few minutes of peace.

Making a child promise something like that on your deathbed is the most selfish act I can imagine. What can we do? Packing my Bags in the South

Dear Packing:
The promise was to let Doris live with you. You've done that for two years. Now it's time for her to live somewhere else. Check out the retirement homes in your area. Then you and your husband should tell Doris it's time for her to be more active and develop some friendships. It will actually be beneficial for her to be in a community of people with whom she has something in common. Do whatever is necessary to ensure Doris finds a suitable place to live, and promise to visit her and occasionally pick her up for dinner. There are many ways to take care of a parent (or stepparent), and ruining your marriage should not be part of the package.

Dear Annie:
My husband's mother moved in with us five years ago, when both our children were young. I wasn't wild about the idea, but I wanted to please my husband. We have a small three bedroom house, and at the time, our kids were sharing room, so there was a spare.

My oldest son now wants his own room. My husband's sister has a larger house with a spare room, but she hasn't offered to take Mom and my husband refuses to ask her.

Mom does nothing around the house to help out, which drives me mad, and the situation is putting a strain on our marriage. At Wit's End in Washington

Dear Washington:
Is Mom capable of living independently? Can you look into nearby apartments, retirement communities or assisted living homes? Call the Eldercare Locator (eldercare.gov) at 1-800-677-1116 to see what resources are available in your area. It is a loving gesture to allow a parent to live with you, but if it undermines your marriage and Mom is able to live elsewhere, we see no reason to continue this arrangement. Discuss all options with your husband, and make it clear that the current situation is no longer working.

Wife Resents Relatives' Intrusion
Dear Annie:
For the past 20 years, it's been my husband's dream to bring his sister and her three children to the United States from a Third World country. After spending our life's savings and doing countless hours of paperwork, we finally got them here.

My sister in law is a wonderful woman and I love her, but her two boys (12 and 18) have no respect for anyone or anything. We bought our dream house last year and it's slowly being destroyed. No matter how many times we have explained respect to them, they laugh. My sister in law has disciplined them and they think she's funny, too. I'm starting to think they have some kind of mental disability.

Another problem is, we have a small compact car and family outings mean there's no room for me. My husband has promised one hour out of every week so we can have time for the two of us, but it's been 12 weeks of nothing. I'm sinking deeper into depression, and my doctor has put me on antidepressants.

Our friends say they miss me but enjoy my husband's sister. He likes showing her off to our friends. I'm sick at heart. What can I do? Neglected Wife

Dear Wife:
The novelty of having your sister in law around will wear off eventually, but for the moment, you will have to find ways to deal with the situation. Is this a temporary visit or a permanent arrangement? If it's temporary, put up with as much as you can. If she is planning to remain in the United States, help her apply for a green card so she can get a job and her own apartment as soon as possible. We doubt the children have suddenly become mentally disabled. Discipline should include having privileges removed or being confined to their room. They also should do chores to repay the cost of broken items. Then put your foot down with your husband. He needs to know your marriage is suffering, and he has a responsibility to work on it. He's put his sister first for 12 weeks. It's your turn.

Dear Greg:
My boyfriend of a year is perfect in every way. He just happened to grow up in a very dysfunctional family with only one other brother and a crazy mother. I am from a very big, close, loving family. He does not ever want to spend time with my family, and when given the choice, will always stay at home rather than go for a visit. When I do take him with me to family dinners, he’s sullen and unfriendly. We talk about it and he says he just isn’t into family. It’s hard to imagine sharing a future with someone like this, but at the same time, isn’t how we get along alone more important? And I think eventually he would get used to my family and come around, don’t you? They’re really nice people. Enid

Dear All in the Family:
So your boyfriend is perfect in every way except he’s not into your family. Wow! That’s a pretty big exception. Sure he’s got kind of good excuse to be selfish. (Because that’s all this is about, really). A lot of people don’t list on their “top ten favorite things to do” spending time with other people’s family. But aren’t you hoping one day to include him in that family? In fact, back in the old days ( I don’t know exactly when that was, but you know what I mean), your family would have had to approve of him before he ven got to meet you. So don’t sell out your family for this dude. If he was really into you, and truly planning on sticking around, he would be doing a little tap dance for your awesome family every time he saw them-and perhaps backing them a little cake as well.He doesn’t have to love your CD collection. He doesn’t have to love your shoes. But any good, mature guy better make an attempt to love your friends and family---especially when they’re great. Source: He’s just not that into you

Dear Yo:
Oh my goodness, I have this aunt who is such a b****. She lies and makes up things abot other people all the time just to take the heat off of her. It makes me so mad that she would do that and think it is okay. She twist and turns everything around to try to make the situation look better or in her favor. What do you do when she acts like a kid but clearly is an adult? Grow up Already

Yo Grow Up Already:
Your aunt has a problem and if I were you I would let it be her problem. She sounds like one of those people that everybody knows is lying but says nothing about it because she would still lie even though she was busted in it or calling her out on it would be more drama than it is worth. It can be annoying, but since you know she is like that I wouldn't worry about it. She has to first realize that she has a problem and deal with it.

Dear Annie:
The letter from "No Name as It Will Cause Arguments" struck a chord with me. My husband's father is 86 and no longer drives. His 71 year old mother is in fine health but never learned how, so for the last four years, my husband has been driving them to doctor appointments, grocery stores, church outings, etc.

I don't mind that he helps his parents. In fact, I think it's respectful and considerate. However, he has a sister who lives five minutes from them, plus nieces and nephess who could help, but my MIL refuses to ask any of them to drive her. She only wants my husband to do it an it's taxing his job and our relationship. We have a 10 month old baby at home. What can we do? Florida

Dear Florida:
Your husband must learn to say "no" so Mom will be forced to rely on others. The next time she requires his services, he should reply firmly, "I wish I could, but I can't make it then. You'll have to ask someone else." Period.

Ask Laskas
Q: My wife's family grosses me out. At dinner, they'll grab food off my plate, sip soup directly from the serving ladle, and drag their fingers across the cake to get at the icing. I've told my wife that I've had it. I'm never eating with them again. Now she's upset with me. How do I solve my table trauma? Fed Up

Dear Fed:
Sounds like you've lost all appetite for the in-laws, and I don't blame you. Problem is, you're stuck with them. Explain to your wife why they disgust you. Give a demonstration, but keep it light and be understanding they are her family, after all. Then cut a deal: One dinner with the oinkers equals one annoying event she has to endure. Get creative. For the price of one unpleasant Thanksgiving dinner, you might buy yourself a tailgate party.

Friend's children refuse to invite her sweetie
October 27, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
My friend "Tina" recently divorced her husband of 42 years. He drinks and gambles to excess, cheated on her, refused counseling, and more. She was awarded alimony totaling a third of his salary, and because he makes a substantial amount to money, Tina lives fairly well.

Tina is now involved with "John", a wonderful man who is an old friend and also divorced. They live together in Tina's home. John gives her money for rent and they split all other expenses. The problem is Tina's ex husband has told their two grown married sons that their mom has taken all his money and he is struggling to live, and that John is taking advantage or her in order to get her money. They believe him. She can prove that their father is lying, but doesn't feel she should have to.

Tina's oldest son invited her over last week, but when she asked to bring John, he said no. Tina won't go unless John can go with her. Her son and his wife are expecting their first child, and I hate to see them cut Tina out of their lives. Do her children have the right to judge whom she is seeing? What is she to do?
Best Friend

Dear Friend:
Try not to get in the middle of how Tina chooses to deal with her grown children. Our only advice is that she not make John an issue. It would be nice if the children were more receptive, but that will take time and she shouldn't push too hard or they will resent it. Tina ought to see her sons without John so she can maintain a relationship with them until they possibly learn to accept him.

Can't Protect Father from his own Actions
Dear Annie:
I am a 31 year old daughter of newly divorced parents. My father, 52, just bought a house. He is already telling my sister and me about his new female " friend" who is having trouble at home and will be moving in along with her 5 year old son. She works in his office.

How could my father be so foolish? He is obviously not thinking clearly and doesn't realize this young woman is just using him for financial security. I want to call her at the office and tell her what I think of her. If she moves in with my father, I have no intention of taking my son to see his grandfather. I don't want to have anything to do with this woman. Please help. Dad's Crazy

Dear Crazy:
So your dad is behaving like a teen, which makes him an object of ridicule to you. It is understandable you would be angry and worried about him, but unfortunately, you cannot protect your father from himself. You can punish him by withholding your son, or you can find out if this young woman is making him happy, even if she is taking advantage and you don't approve.

An estrangement will hurt you as well as Dad and isn't likely to change anything about his behavior. Consider what you expect to accomplish by keeping your distance, and then do what gives you peace of mind.

Overbearing Mother
Dear Annie:
I am writing in response to "Midwest Mess," whose mother is rude and disrespectful to her husband and her. I sympathize. My mother was overbearing, dominating, controlling, and emotionally abusive. If you did not do things her way, she could be very cruel. She criticized everything I did, often in front of others. She once told me I was her biggest mistake.

Twenty-four years ago, I met a wonderful man, and my mother did everything she could to break us up. For several years after our marriage, Mom openly disliked him. But after our children were born, we saw more of her, and eventually she came to see my husband as the loving, caring person he is. My advice to "Midwest" is to hang in there. You never know when a miracle might occur. Been There, Happier Now

Dear Been:
We're glad patience paid off for you. Your husband sounds like a gem.

Abuse Victim Lacks Family Support
Dear Annie:
I am 19 years old. A family member sexually abused me until the age of 17. I reported it, but when I needed my parents the most, they were not there for me. They wre upset about my accusation and made me recant.

I just finished my first year of college and seem to be having trouble moving on with my life and making friends. I put myself in therapy a year ago, without my parents knowing, but sometimes I feel I'm getting nowhere. It's impossible for me to let go of the abuse. Every time I read about a sexual assault in the newspaper, I get scared and panic.

I really want to put this behind me and show my abuser and my parents they didn't win. How do I do htis on my own? A Survivor

Dear Survivor:
It's very hard to do it "on your own". You not only have to deal with the abuse, you also have to come to terms with your parents attitude and lack of support. Pain of this type doesn't disappear easily and quickly. You were smart to get therapy and we hope you will continue. You also can contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (www.rainn.org) at 800-656-4673

Children's well-being should come before romantic behavior
Dear Annie:
I am 31 years old and divorced with two kids. My mom has always been supportive. She helped me out immensely over the years, and I am very appreciative. I have paid her back whenever possible.

The problem is, the last time my kids and I stayed with her, her boyfriend's 13 year old son slept over and there was inappropriate sexual contact with my 6 year old son. Law enforcement was contacted, but to date nothing has materialized in the way of a case.

We spoke with a counselor, and things seem to be improving with my son. But I told my mother that while I hope the 13 year old gets help, I cannot have my children around him ever again. She said she understood and asked that we keep the issue under wraps. As time passes, however, I see that my mom is favoring this boy. She has many photos of him on her Internet profile and very few of her grandchildren. She spends most weekends with her boyfriend and his son. When the kids and I go to her house, the boy is often there, so we leave.

Recently we attended a function at my sister's college, and Mom brought her boyfriend and his son, knowing my children would be there. When we didn't sit near them, she told my sister it was because my ex-husband was with us. She also made a comment to me insinuating that I had coaxed my son to make up lies about the inappropriate contact.

Mom has a history of choosing men over her children. She complains to my sister that I don't call her anymore. This is the same woman who hasn't talked to her own mother for two years. I feel hurt, betrayed, and confused. Should I cut off contact? Betrayed Daughter

Dear Betrayed:
It's time to make it abundantly clear to Mom that your children's well being comes first, and that if she chooses to put her boyfriend's son above her grandchildren, contact with the kids will be limited or nonexistent. We hope that boy is getting competent professional help. P.S. Should your sister ever have children, you must tell her the truth for their protection.

Young Son exhibits aberrant behavior
January 15, 2009 The Blade
Dear Annie:
My 9 year old son, "Felix" is headed down the wrong path. This year in school, he has already stabbed two people with a pencil, clocked a boy, and told some classmates he had a bomb. He is very defiant, talks back, never smiles, and has no emotion or remorse for his actions, and has few friends. He is also starting to be mean to his 2 year old sister. He even told he would be in juvenile detention before he turns 17.

Felix has informed me that he does not like my fiance of four years. I'm at the point where I want to let him live with his dad full time. I told my ex that I want to get Felix into a local program for difficult children, but his dad says he doesn't need it. Can you please help me before it's too late? Desperate Mom

Dear Mom:
Your ex is foolish to ignore his son's aberrant behavior. Felix has some serious problems, and the sooner you can intervene, the better. We understand your frustrations, but it doesn't sound as if leaving him with his father will help. Talk to your pediatrician and the school counselor and ask for referrals to a child psychiatrist with experience in this area. Please call today.

Dear Annie:
I read the letter from "Gift Horse" whose mother buys her presents she doesn't need instead of what she could really use.

We are a young coupe with two young children and could use a little help. My mother who lives paycheck to paycheck with no savings and bad credit still feels the need to buy every single toy she sees. She gives gifts we don't need and knows we don't want. She does this to everyone in the family. She also compulsively buys tons of stuff for herself, like DVDs and cosmetics. I could pretend to appreciate this junk, but Mom is practically destitute.

We've told her to save her money, but she won't listen and gets upset when I insinuate that I don't want to feed and house her when she's out on the street someday. How can we make her understand? Over Gifted

Dear Daughter:
Your mother has an obsessive-compulsive disorder, and unless she is willing to address it, there isn't much you can do. If she buys you anything that you can return, do so, and put the refund in a bank account that can be used to help support her if she becomes indigent.

Parents Excluded from Family Gatherings
Dear Annie:
My son recently turned 40. We were told that he and his wife were too busy to have any kind of birthday celebration. My husband and I , along with his grandparents and brothers family, didn't want the occasion to pass without acknowledgement, so we told his wife we would surprise him. We drove long distances and stayed in a hotel, and we gave him a gift we hoped he would enjoy. You can imagine our surprise when a desk clerk at the hotel asked if we were staying for the "big surprise 40th party." It turned out that once again my DIL chose to invite everyone to a celebration except us.

For some reason, we are rarely included in functions where my DIL's parents are in attendance. My son and his wife made it clear early on that they wished to keep the families separate. This means we often are excluded. When I told my DIL how upset I was, she apologized, then justified her actions by saying we had our own party. Annie, we would never have scheduled our party if we'd known there was another one. Neither my son nor his wife has made any effort to mend this. There have been no calls or emails in a month.

I don't want to cut off contact because there are grandchildren whom I love, but I am having a hard time picking up the phone to "make things right." My son and I used to be close, but he strongly (and rightfully) believes a good marriage requires you to support our spouse 100 percent.

Should I tell the rest of the family they weren't invited? Should I kiss and make up? Or do I just let them leave me behind? Hurt Mother

Dear Hurt:
Supporting one's spouse does not mean agreeing with everything she does, especially if it is hurtful. Unless your son likes this lopsided arrangement, he ought to speak up and his wife has an obligation to take her husbands needs an preferences into consideration. Please don't spread the poison around. Simply call or email your son, without addressing this further, and maintain whatever relationship is possible without expecting too much. It looks like the wife runs the show in that house.

Dear Yo:
With the holidays quickly approaching, I need your advice. Well to start off, I already got my feelings hurt on Thanksgiving, but I am hoping that things will change for Christmas. Well I have been dating this guy exclusively for seven months. He has met my mom and my sisters and even hung out with us plenty of times. He is at my apartment almost every day, but we don't do sleepovers too often. I have a key to his house and his cars, but he refuses to bring me around his family. We talked about Thanksgiving, and discussed what our respective families would be doing. I invited him to my parent's house, hoping he would use it as an opportunity to invite me to his. Well, he didn't. As a matter of fact, we spent Thanksgiving apart because he declined my invitation. Don't you find this strange? Isn't seven months long enough? I don't know what to make of it. Should I be angry and demand that he introduce me or do I just leave him alone because maybe he doesn't feel that I am the "one"? Dazed and Confused

Dear Dazed and Confused:
Well, I think in some cases seven months could be long enough to determine if you want to continue with a relationship or take it to the next level. But I think before you go jumping to conclusions, that you owe it to yourself and your boyfriend to ask why he hasn't taken you to meet his family; especially since you have already introduced him to yours. He obviously cares for you, because he spends so much time with you. You have keys to his home, so that makes me pretty sure that there is no other woman in the picture. So there could be a multitude of reasons why he hasn't taken you to meet his folks. The best thing that you can do is, go straight to the source, ask the question and see where it goes. Hopefully Christmas dinner with his family.

Dear Yo:
I have a dilemma. I have been dating my girlfriend for two years now. Unforunately, I am constantly being dogged by her mother, who for some unknown reasons hates me. I love her, or believe me the crap I get from her family would have most certainly driven us apart. Here is the thing. With the possibility of inheriting the mother in law from Hell, I pondered the possibility of asking my girl to marry me on New Year's Eve. The devil herself (my girl's mom) accosts me on Thanksgiving, when my girlfriend wasn't around, and tells me that if we aren't planning a wedding in the next six months, that I better break up with her daughter, because she has wasted enough time on me already. I don't know what to do. I was planning on asking her anyway, but I don't want her mother to think she punked me into doing it. Should I keep my manhood and just wait seven months to ask? Just to Spite Her Momma

Yo Just to Spite Her Momma:
You have got to be kidding me! You would seriously wait seven months to keep your manhood? I am just speechless, and that doesn't happen very often. Actually waiting the seven months would be more childish than manly. Why should your girlfrind have to wait for something you were going to do anyway? You should have put her mother in her place when she came to you with her ultimatum. You're a good one, I couldn't spend the holidays with people who are not there to have a good time, and he kind to everyone. But I commend you for not letting the issue with "devil" interfere in the relationship you have with your girlfriend (Well except in this instance). Keep your plans; it will be special to pop the question as you usher in the New Year.

Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today

Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611

Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com