Addictions

Addiction
Article: Addictions
Chapter from Research before Romance ( Addictions)

Addictions T. L. Moss

He/she claims that they don't feel well, but something's wrong when they start sleeping for 2 days straight. You notice there's more withdrawals from your joint account, and he/she won't explain what they've purchased. He/she doesn't know where they lost an expensive piece of jewerly or video game and tell you lies about their frequent errands. You've heard he/she is associating with a crowd that deal with drugs. The last straw was he/she went to the store for some milk, and didn't return for 3 days, without the car. Is it time to change the locks? Or, if you think about it, were there signs that he/she was an addict when you met?

Research before Romance-Addictions
When Do you Know you Need Help?
Steriods
Legal Queion & Answer
Wife of Peeping Tom Should be Told about his Illegal Behavior
Ex Police Sergeant Convicted of Raping 4
My Boyfriend has a Porn Movie Past
Man's Porn Habit Shows Lack of Respect
Porn Destroyed Our Sex Life
My Husband is Addicted to Porn
Husband is Playing with Email Fire
Questionable Character
Porn Secrets
Man Addicted to Kiddie Porn
Dad is Addicted to Porn
Brinkley's Husband Details Affair with Teen
Question and Answer about Porn
Porno War
Boyfriend Addicted to Pornography
Senator Boxer's Aide Fired Over Child Porn Charge
Only When He's Drunk
Legal Question & Answer
Boyfriends a Great Guy Except His Alcoholism
Man Refuses Further Aid for Alcoholic Stepson
Ex Wife Refuses his Gift of Roses
Legal Question & Answer
Wife Claims Drinking is a Problem
Father Leaves Children to Freeze to Death
AA Questionairre
Dad had a Drinking Problem
Parents Can't Help Son if he Doesn't Want Help
Grand Jury Indicts Motorist Whose Son was Hurt in Crash
Secret Exposed
In-Laws Gave My 19 Month Old Beer
Mother Unable to Stay Sober
Grandmother Charged with Child Endangering
Teen Daughters Drinking Problem Destroying Her
Sister Pregnant and Drinking
Alcoholic Husband Just Existing
Are you an Alcoholic?
Car Accident was an Eyeopener
Girl 13 Alerts Police That Her Dad is Driving Drunk
How to Make a Trooper Cry
Methamphetamine
Ringleader in Armored Car Hold-Up Gets 8 Years
Cocaine Mom Gets Ligation, Group Says
Girl Doubts Step Mom Kept Vow to Quit Drugs
Sex Offender Lover Keeps Mom From Kids
The Low Down on Dope
Fiancee Has Addiction to Pain Killers
Valium Addict is Miserable
Man's Addiction Leaves His Wife with Questions
Compulsive Gambler
Gambling Led to Shameful Waste of Talent
Mother is Addicted to Gambling
Ex-Class President Exits Prison for Bank Robbery
Till Debt Do Us Part
Gambling is a Disease
Are you a Gambling Addict?
Newspaper Headlines
Quit Smoking
Etiquette Tips: If you Smoke
Bulimic
To Be Thin
Signs of a Shopaholic
My Husband the Workaholic
Sex Addiction


ALCOHOL, DRUG ADDICTION HIT SOCIETY LIKE PLAGUE
September 24, 2002 Ann Arbor News

Dear Readers: Today is Family Day (casafamilyday.org). Studies show that children who eat dinner with their parents have a reduced risk of substance abuse. Please try to make meals a family event

Q: When do you know you’re addicted and need help?

1.When your body becomes dependent and you can’t perform without it.
2.When you feel like your life is out of control.
3.When you can’t be normal and happy without it.
4.When you feel you need drugs and alcohol to have fun.
5.When you spend most of your time using, getting, or thinking about the drug
6.When you continue to use, despite the negative consequences on your health and life.

Steroids
July 2, 2008 The Blade
Mike Bell, the director's older brother, is an even more tragic figure, his pro wrestling dreams reduced to occasional bouts in Legion halls for $150 a pop. He has weathered hard drug abuse and suicide attempts and still lives in fear that he'll end up "an Average Joe." At moments like this, Bigger, Stronger, Faster reveals that our addiction isn't to anabolic steroids at all but to the fantasies of stardom they only pretend to feed.

MAN TURNS SELF IN AFTER 2 ROBBERIES
June 5, 2000 San Francisco Chronicle
Calls 911 and says a drug habit spurred one day spree of bank robberies in San Francisco.

Q: Can an employee be fired for drug or alcohol abuse?

A:Yes. It is generally recognized that employees have an obligation to report for work sober and free from the influence of drugs. However, an employee fired for this reason could challenge the dismissal if he can prove that the company did not follow established procedures (such as giving him a warning) or that he was unaware of company rules or that the company does not routinely dismiss all employees who drink or use illegal drugs on the job.

One time, I had to tell a candidate that we would not be able to offer him a job because his drug test had come back positive and our's was a drug free environment.

After a minute he asked, "Can you tell me which one showed up?" From Monster Careers: Interviewing

AMBULANCE DRIVER ROBS, KIDNAPS COPS SAY
June 15, 2000 San Francisco Chronicle

Wife of Peeping Tom Should be Told about his Illegal Behavior
June 19, 2001 Ann Arbor News
Dear Abby:
My letter is in response to the one in your column about the Peeping Tom. Your advice was 100 percent correct. My first husband was a Peeping Tom. If someone had told me about my husband, I wouldn't have believed him or her and probably would have gotten angry with that person.

My husband was well thought of, and you can't imagine that someone you love and admire would be capable of doing something like that. He lied so convincingly about why he was late--and even when he was eventually arrested---I not only believed him, but most people other than the police did too. Abby, Peeping Toms do not get over it. They just get worse. They think there is nothing wrong with them. We were trying to have another baby when he was arrested the first time. Naturally, we put it off until the trial was over. Can you believe he was only fined for trespassing? The witnesses were a policeman and a minister, but the jury believed my husband, he explained it away.

My husband was arrested three times in our 12 year marriage for peeping. I finally had to face the facts. When I did, I had a nervous breakdown. He married again, molested his stepdaughters and was sent to prison. He could have gotten out on probation after he served a couple of years if he had agreed to have therapy. He chose to stay in prison rather than seek help because he insisted there wasn't anything wrong with him.

If you print this, please do not use my name. It has been 25 years since I left him, but I remember the shame and disbelief as if it were yesterday. Even today some people think it was all a mistake.Trusting wife in Texas.

Dear Trusting Wife:
Thank you for relating your personal experience. Others can learn from it. The problem with gettingling dhooked on danger and this can apply to things other than peeping--is that increasingly stronger doses are required to satisfy the addict.

Ex-Police Sergeant Convicted of Raping 4
June 19, 2008 The Blade
Champaign, Ill. ---A former Bloomington police sergeant was convicted yesterday of raping four women and stalking a fifth, ending a trial in which prosecutors said he was driven by pornography-fueled fantasies.

Jeff Pelo, 43, was found guilty on 35 counts, including 25 counts of aggravated sexual assault. Two other charges were dropped during the trial.

Pelo sobbed as the verdict was read. His wife, Rickilee, yelled and ran from the court with the couple's three teen children. She apologized, but insisted to reporters, "They've got the wrong man."

My Boyfriend Has a Porn Movie Past
Q:My boyfriend and I were getting amorous one night at my place and I put on a sexy video that my girlfriend lent me. It was a bunch of short scenarious, and I was shocked to see my boyfriend in one of them. He got made and shut it off, explaining he'd been in a couple of porn movies when he first moved to L.A. but hasn't done one in years, and has no intentin of ever doing one again. Now, I don't know what to think. What would you do? E. D. Los Angeles

A: My, my, what a shock that must have been! The first thing I'd do is to make sure you both get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. Beyond that, it's up to you. If it doesn't bother you too much that the guy did some of his lovemaking in front of a camera, I wouldn't worry about it. If you can't get those images out of your mind, you may want to move on. I'd give him a chance.

Senator Boxer's Aide Fired Over Child Porn Charge
A high level aide to California Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer has been charged in federal court with receiving and distributing child pornography.

The aide, Jeff Rosato, 32, was arrested last Friday. Ms. Boxer's office fired him that same day upon learning of the charges.

Man's Porn Habit Shows Lack of Respect
August 7, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I have been married more than 30 years. I've worked hard to keep myself attractive for my husband, but he has told me repeatedly I am not what he wants sexually, even though he expects me to be available to him at all times.

There have been a couple of infidelities. At a time when I needed to rebuild my trust, I discovered quite a bit of porn on our computer and visits to Web sites where you can meet others for sex. I told my husband this undermined my attempts to trust him and he agreed to stop. After several months of not finding anything, I quit checking until last week when I discovered he's again viewing online porn and bringing up profiles of women in our area who are advertising sex.

This sickens me. I feel betrayed. I may be a bit of a prude by today's standards, but I do enjoy sex. I also know men like to look at pon and view it differently than women. But I also wonder if that is why my husband is dissatisfied with me. I don't live up to his sexual expectations. He once asked me to sit naked in a chair so he could stare at me. It made me feel as if I were being displayed on one of his porn sites. This bothers me and also feels wrong spiritually. Am I being too rigid? No Name or State

Dear No Name:
What two consenting adults do in the privacy of their own home is entirely up to them. The real problem is that your husband doesn't respect you. Please ask him to come with you for counseling. A counselor will help you consider the benefits of being more sexually adventurous and will work with your husband on recognizing that his demeaning attitude undermines every aspect of your relationship. As always, if he won't go, go without him.

Redbook's advice guru, Karen Karbo, solves your toughest dilemmas.
Porn Destroyed our Sex Life
Q: My husband and I are in our 20s and have been married for two years. While he has a larger sex drive than I do, it's never been a problem until recently. He has several pornographic DVDs that he frequently masturbates to, but when we do have sex, he can't perform. He doesn't seem to think it's a problem that he can't maintain an erection with his wife, but has no trouble when he masturbates. I have tried to spice things up in the bedroom, but I can't bring myself to act like a porn star, which is what he seems to enjoy. How can we get our sex life back on track?

A: I took the liberty of consulting with someone who can speak with more authority than I can about your situation. Danna W. Schaeffer, a licensed professional counselor in Portland, OR, has seen a number of couples with just this problem;she believes that it can be treated with professional help. Porn addiction isn't uncommon (thank you Internet!), and it also isn't an easy habit to kick. The kind of graphic material available online these days--and on the DVDs that your husband uses----can take people to extremes of excitation very quickly. And once you get hooked on that, lesser stimulation simply doesn't work. It sounds as if that's what might be going on here.

A cognitive--behavioral therapist may be able to help your husband become refocused on you, as well as help the two of you create a sex life that's satisfying for you both, but won't require you to do anything you're not into (such as acting like a porn star). Schaeffer adds that if you think of this as a problem that you share---and are solving together--there's a better chance for a long-lasting change.

As serious as this is, it's actually positive that you know about your husband's habit, that he isn't being particularly secretive about it, and that you're talking about what's going on. It speaks of a genuine connection between the two of you, which, at the end of the day, is the basis of a truly successful marriage and sex life.

Dear Deanna!
My husband is addicted to Internet pornography. I feel very insulted because it's rude and disrespectful. We've argued often because I've asked him to entertain himself with the computer when I'm not around.

He will access things on the screen while I'm in the room and I can't take it. The cost and charges on our credit cards and bank account is another story. What do I do before this ruins our marriage which I see happening? Insulted Wife

Dear Insulted:
You can solve this problem in five minutes and never leave your home. Call your telephone company and have your telephone service disconnected because without phone service, your husband can't access the Internet.

Be sure to have a cell phone handy and prepare for the storm. Take this opportunity to suggest counseling and if the phones come back on, your husband hasto choose between you or the cyber chicks.

Nephew's character questioned
November 12, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
My 34 year old nephew brought his computer to a shop to be fixed. On the hard drive,the repairman found three videos and 15 pictures of child pornography. My nephew was arrested and is facing jail time. He has asked numerous people to send letters to the judge attesting to his good character.

Annie, his charater is NOT good. He could never hold down a job and is angry at the world. His other aunt is on a mission to have all family members write a letter for him. I say, let him pay for what he has done and maybe he can get some help in jail and come out of this a better person. What do you say?
Grandmother of Two

Dear Grandmother:
Unfortunately, prison doesn't always translate to therapy, which is what your nephew needs. However, you should not write a letter if you don't believe in what you are saying. If your refusal will cause a rift, simply tell his other aunt that you will "do your best". And apparently, your best is to decline. You don't need to tell her, or anyone else, what choice you've made.

Husband is Playing with Email Fire
July 9, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
My husband of over 25 years has a large number of friends and acquaintances listed in his email address book with whom he exchanges jokes, news, pictures and, at times, porn. This sometimes includes very explicit videos.

He shares the majority of these emails with me, so I know what he's doing. My problem is, he also shares these pornographic videos and pictures with the women in his address book. Some of these women are co-workers and others are friends, a few of whom I have never met.

I feel this is totally inapropriate and definitely crossing a line. I've told him it bothers me, but he continues to send them. He feels sharing such stuff is harmless. I've tried explaining that women see this in a different light. And I feel he's doing it behind my back, which makes me feel even worse. Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Porn King's Wife

Dear Wife:
He's not doing it behind your back if he copies you on everything. However, if your husband is sending porn to female co-workers, he might lose his job because it could be construed as harassment. And you are right that women usually interpret such emails as more intimate than intended. And more uncouth. Explain this to your husband and ask him, at the very least, to stop sending porn to female co-workers. Beyond that, there's not much you can do about such juvenile behavior.

Dear Annie:
During our 12 years of marriage, my husband, “Bart”, kept getting into credit card debt, and I bailed him out three times. His explanations were never good, and Bart was secretive about his whereabouts and his mail. We tried counseling several months ago, but he lied to the therapist. When I called him on it, he quit going. We now live separate lives in separate parts of our home. The only time we are together is for public appearances and family gatherings.

Lately, I have begun to find pornography everywhere in our home. Twice I caught Bart at home in the middle of the day, watching X-rated videos. I am sure now that this is what he has been up to all along.

I filed for divorce two months ago, and Bart’s grown children are shocked and want to know what happened. I keep telling them they need to talk to their father, but Bart tells them he has “no idea”. He is either in denial, or lying.

Bart is respected and well liked in our community. He is a good person with a huge problem. What can I tell his children and his friends? Caring in Kansas

Dear Caring:
You do not need to tell them anything-the details are not their business, especially since Bart is unwilling to admit he has a problem. Simply say you are not comfortable discussing it.

There is a support group for family and friends of sex addicts, which you might find useful: S-Anon International Family Groups sanon.org. P.O. Box 111242, Nashville, TN 37222-1242. For more information on sexual addiction, try the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists www.aasect.org P.O. Box 5488 Richmond, VA 23220-0488

Man Suspected of Child Porn on Church Laptop
November 14, 2008 The Blade
A Cincinnati man has been charged with using his church's computer to view and distribute child pornography.

Federal authorities say 28 year old Albert Stone swapped explicit photos over the Internet using a laptop computer from the Assembly of God Church in Hamilton.

Man Addicted to Kiddie Porn
Dear Annie:
Last May, I found out my husband, “Aldo” was addicted to child pornography. He was never very interested in sex, but I had no idea this was the reason.

I have four children from a previous marriage and, as the result of being sexually abused as a child, have always talked to them about good touching and bad touching. After counseling and checkups, I have been assured that Aldo has not done anything to them.

Aldo and I decided to work things out. His counselor says that since Aldo has come clean with his problem and finally opened up about his childhood sexual abuse, he would not have the urge to do this again.

I have locked my compuer and tried to recover, but, Annie, I can't get over it. It's not only the disturbing behavior, but the deceit. He never showed any signs of guilt or anguish. When I searched my computer's history, I was able to see all the images he downloaded, and they are forever etched on my brain. I don't believe his problem will just go away.

I am in my last semester of college and cannot support myself financially. I am losing sleep and am pretty sure I'm losing my mind, as well. I take antidepressants and will begin my own counseling this evening. I am hopeful that will help, but I feel I have no options. What should I do? Sleeping with the Sicko

Dear Sleeping:
First of all, having child pornography on one's computer is against the law. If discovered, your husband could go to prison. We cannot say whether he will be able to overcome his proclivity, but for safety's sake, you should never leave him alone with your children or anyone else's. There are support groups for those whose lives have been affected by another's compulsive sexual behavior.

Dad is Addicted to Porn
This is embarrassing, but my dad is addicted to pornography. When I was a little girl, I found his magazines under the bed. In high school, I caught him on the computer looking at inappropriate pictures. I'm now in college, and his habit has gotten worse. I said something to my mom, but she brushed it off. Should I alert my dad to the fact that we all know he likes porn, or is it none of my business? Disgusted Daughter

Dear Disgusted:
This is rough terrain, so I consulted some professionals. All agree: Stay out of your father's business and focus on yours. No child--even a college age child--should have to deal with this. Talk to your mother again. Let her know that you're burdened by knowing way more than you ever wanted to know about your father. Remember, it's not up to you to confront or "cure" him of an obsession. Your job is to grow into a healthy, productive adult. Don't let your dad's secrets get in the way of that. If they do, don't suffer silently--visit a counselor.

Brinkley's Husband Details Affair With Teen
July 3, 2008 The Blade
Peter Cook, called to the stand by his wife's divorce lawyers, was questioned about his affair with Diana Bianchi, who is expected to testify that Cook seduced her shortly after hiring her for his Hamptons architectural firm.

Earlier, the fashion model's lawyer said Cook spent about $3,000 a month on pornographic Web sites.

"That is the man who's come before this court and asked for custody of his 13 year old son and 10 year old daughter," attorney Robert Stephan Cohen said.

Q: “Why does my husband buy pornography, even though I know he loves me and we have a healthy sex life?

A: “Men are drawn to pornography, some experts say, because it satisfies their primary fantasy: access to beautiful women without risk of rejection. Looking at unattainable naked women allows a man to remember his masculinity and indulge in his fantasies without threatening what he cherishes most-his real life. At least that’s what some experts argue.

Dear Ann Landers:
For 15 years, I've been fighting a porno war with my husband. A battle ends and I think I've won, but a few months later I find more filthy magazines. I'm not talking about Playboy or Penthouse. I mean the XXX rated trash that make me sick to my stomach. He then started with 8mm movies, VCR tapes and swingers catalogs. But what upset me more than anything was finding a pen and pad stuck in a catalog and little stars next to some bimbo's name.

When I confronted "Jack", he said it's normal for a man to be interested in these things and that he would never write to any of those women.

Ann, I don't know how to deal with this. I feel so hurt and angry when I find this trash. I used to snoop to see what he was up to, but I don't anymore because it's too painful. The stuff is everywhere--in the car, the basement, just name it.

I thought our sex life was wonderful for him as well as for me, but apparently I'm mistaken. Am I overreacting? Is this behavior normal for a married man in his late 30's? Lost in a World of Dirt

Dear Lost:
Stop feeling inadequate because Jack finds this garbage exciting. We now know that pornograpy lovers are addicted.

Snooping and throwing out his "toys" won't help. Accept this oddity as beyond your control, because it is. Porn addicts need counseling.

Dear Ann Landers:
Can a person be "addicted" to pornography? My boyfriend seems like the most clean-cut guy in the world. You'd never guess he was a trash-addict.

Despite his choir-boy appearance, "Jeff" has been buying these magazines since adolescence. (He is now 25). He kept his collection hidden from me, and I stumbled across it only recently. When I confronted him with the magazines, he became angry and defensive and insisted it was a better outlet than having affairs. Later he said he was ashamed of himself but he can't help it.

It hurts that Jeff doesn't seem satisfied with me. We are very compatiable sexually, even though I'm not nearly as well-endowed as the women in his magazines. I can't help but feel that he is comparing me to them, though he denies it.

I don't want to break up with Jeff, and I can't make him stop buying that trash. I've suggested therapy, but he refuses to consider it. I really love the guy and feel I'd be losing a lot if I left him. Please tell me what's going on and what I should do about it. Ohio Quandary

Dear Ohio:
Jeff's problem is immaturity. He never outgrew the adolescent stage when he got turned on by what he perceived to be "forbidden pictures."

Don't let this become your problem. It's his. And stop comparing yourself to the "girlies." (Many of them have had breast implants, and photographic lighting is extremely flattering). Let Jeff fantasize. Hopefully one day he'll grow up, lose interest in the paper dolls and settle down to real life.

He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk
If he likes you, he’ll want to see you when his judgment isn’t impaired. It’s really fun to drink and date. Who doesn’t like to bring booze to the make-out party? It can make you more confident, and let’s face it, confidence is a rush and you are more likely to talk dirty. It’s all good, as long as you don’t confuse ice-breaking for real intimacy. Being drunk or high are altered states that can actually take you away from real feelings. Be aware that if Boozy the Clown has to slip on the red nose every time it gets intimate, it could be symptomatic of a bigger problem.

It’s so simple!
Sometimes life is incredibly difficult and painful. If you’re looking for a partner to share your life with, it’s better to pick someone who’s able to meet it headlong with his full faculties.

Extra note to the ladies: If you happen to notice an increase in your drinking or smoking while with Mr. Party Man, please be aware. This is not an “if you can’t beat it, get drunk with it” situation. Your getting drunk won’t make him seem any less of a drinker.

Q:Bill was an alcoholic when we married, but I did not understand the seriousness of his drinking problem then. Can I use this as grounds for divorce?

A: A number of states allow a divorce when one spouse is habitually drunk. However, in many of these states it must be shown that the alcoholism developed after you were married. If you live in a state in which it is not possible to divorce Bill for alcoholism, you may still be able to do so on other grounds, such as cruelty. On the other hand, you could file for a no-fault divorce because the marriage has irretrievably broken down.

Boyfriend's a Great Guy Except his Alcoholism
June 18, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I am going out with a great guy. He has a good job and a nice car, gets along with my family, everything. He is only a year older than I am. The problem is, he is an alcoholic.

"Todd" drinks almost every night when he gets off work and sometimes in the morning, too. I have asked him to stop, and we have gotten into numerous fights because of his drinking. He's already lost his license once because of his driving under the influence.

Annie, I would do anything for Todd because he has helped me get my life back on track. Thanks to him, I have a decent job and am saving to get an apartment. Is there anything I can do to help him, or am I better of letting him go? Confused

Dear Confused:
You can contact Al-Anon (al-anon.alateen.org) at 888-4AL-ANON 888-425-2666 for support and information. However, we strongly urge you to keep your distance from Todd unless he gets help for his alcohol addiction. You cannot "fix" him. He has to do it himself. And he should do it before you get more involved with him.

Man Refuses Further Aid for Alcoholic Stepson
July 18, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
My wife and I married 15 years ago. She has one son, "Evan". Three months after our wedding, Evan's wife divorced him. She'd been supporting him for 12 years while he drank and cheated on her. This is when he started mooching off of us.

Evan lost his license due to six DWIs. He drank himself out of his job and was headed for Skid Row, so I let him live with us. I hired a lawyer for him and, when he stopped drinking and driving, bought him a pickup. Although it cost me nearly $5,000. He moved out after three months and has had nothing but menial jobs ever since, none of which he has managed to keep for any length of time.

Two weeks ago, we learned Evan was $1,000 behind on his rent and has to move. The director of the local rescue mission says he can stay there for free until he finds a job and a place of his own. I am all for it. My wife, however, demands I buy him a large camper trailer. I say it is not our job to provide free housing and support for a 49 year old single man.

My stepson is in denial about his drinking problem, and his mother has enabled him all his life. This manchild has done nothing but take advantage of us and I am tired of it. What can I do? Stepdad

Dear Stepdad:
Stick to your guns. Your wife mistakenly believes she is helping her son by bailing him out and allowing him to avoid responsibility for his actions. Counseling can help her see she is preventing Evan from growing up, but she must be willing to go. In the meantime, both of you should contact Al-Anon (al-anon.alateen.org ) at 888-425-2666 and ask for help.

Ex-Wife Refuses His Gift of Roses
Dear Gwendolyn:
Six months ago I was laid off from my job due to absenteeism. I have been an alcoholic my entire adult life. It started when I was a junior in college. After pledging my fraternity, I soon discovered it was all about drinking and running women.

Although, through the drinking problem, I met and fell instantly in love with my ex-wife. We married during our senior year and problems started flowing shortly after saying, “I do”.

This is the problem: She had high hopes of becoming a lawyer, but our son came soon as she was already pregnant before our marriage. With the pressure of finance so great, I started drinking-small at first, but later a full fledged drunk.

Well, she was not able to pursue a law degree. She had to work to help with rent, car food, and clothing for our son and myself. She was not able to buy herself anything-no funds left.

After six years of marriage, she filed for divorce and received custody of our son. She has now remarried and has other children. For some strange reason, I give her a dozen roses every Valentine's Day. I hand deliver them.

Last year her husband told me never to do that again. He said, “She doesn't want them. She has a new life now.”

Gwendolyn, why do I feel compelled to give her roses? It has angered my current fiancee. Giving my ex-wife roses is causing my fiancee to give me an ultimatum.” Choose me or her”, she claims.

I don't need this problem. I am still out of work. I am living with my mother who worked hard to give me an eduction. My father left when I was 2.

Her life has indeed been hard. Now I've got two women acting silly. Help me to figure out why I want to give my ex roses. Tyrone

Dear Tyrone:
It is not difficult to figure out. You want to keep confusion in your ex-wife's marriage. I would say it is out of guilt, but I won't because usually women suffer guilt and not men.

You do, however, have a problem. You are out of work trying to decide to whom to give the roses. Well, my dear, let me help you. Don't give them to your ex-and don't give them to your current.

Give them to the one who really loves you. That would be the woman who takes you in when you have no other place to go. She will feed you when hungry and give to you her last dollar.

Tyrone, do you understand what I am trying to tell you? Give the roses to your mom.

Q:I have heard alcoholism referred to as an illness. Does this mean it would normally be covered under a general health policy?

A:Most health insurance plans include coverage for the treatment of mental health problems and alcohol and drug abuse; and most states require by law that insurance companies provide this type of coverage. However, many policies cover only short hospital stays (or none at all) and limit payments for outpatient treatment.

Q:My ex-wife was given custody of our daughter when we were divorced. She has now remarried, and her new husband is an alcoholic. My daughter is afraid of him. Can I get the custody order changed so my daughter can live with my new wife and me?

A:The courts are usually reluctant to change custody orders. However, since your daughter is afraid of her stepfather, you may be able to get the custody order changed. The court will look at the evidence that you can provide to show that living with your ex-wife’s husband may have a harmful effect on your daughter. The judge will consider all the factors and award custody to the parent who can provide the best care for the child.

Dear Annie:
Any time the subject of alcohol comes up, you are quick to use the label "alcoholic" and suggest immediate help. I am a 41-year-old man, recently divorced. My wife claimed my drinking was a problem, but I disagree. I am a responsible drinker. I work hard, do volunteer work, and have a peaceful, busy life. I never drink and drive and have never been involved in a confrontation while drinking. There are times when I drink every day for a week and other times when I will not drink at all for a month or two.

Would you call me an alcoholic and recommend that I seek treatment? Curious in Tucson, Ariz.

Dear Annie:
As a recovering alcoholic, I know many people do not know how to deal with those in recovery. I'd like to make some suggestions.

Please do not hesitate to invite a recovering person to an event where alcohol is served. If the recovering person feels uncomfortable attending, he or she will say so. If you have alcohol in your homes, don't hide it. You may think you are doing that person a favor, but many in recovery feel this is a sign they cannot be trusted. Ask your friend how he or she is doing, but don't constantly bring up the subject of drinking. We are not defined by our disease. Trying to Help

Dear Trying:
This is good advice, but some recovering alcoholics may find an abundance of free liquor quite stressful. We hope they are willing to say so.

Dear Tucson:
Only you can decide if you have a problem, but we found the following questionnaire from Alcoholics Anonymous most helpful:

Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so but only lasted for a couple of days?

Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking and stop telling you what to do?

Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk?

Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year?

Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?

Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year?

Has your drinking caused trouble at home?

Do you ever try to get "extra" drinks at a party because you do not get enough?

Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking anytime you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to?

Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking?

Do you have blackouts?

Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?

If you answered Yes four or more times, you probably have an alcohol problem and might want to check out A.A.

Canadian Father Lets Girls Freeze to Death in Field
A man who left his two daughters to die in a frozen field pleaded guilty yesterday to criminal negligence, weeping as he held his bandaged, frostbitten hands to his face.

As the wind chill hovered at 58 degrees below zero, Christopher Pauchay lost his 1 year old and 3 year old daughter last Jan 29 while walking to a neighbor's house. Pauchay's family said he was drunk at the time. The girls were wearing only diapers and T-shirts.

He eventually made it to the house and was taken to a hospital suffering from severe frostbite and hypothermia. Eight hours later, when he was able to speak, he asked about his children. That set off a frantic search that ended hours later when the girls were found dead in a snowy field.

Q: A year ago, my parents split. Dad had a drinking problem. Now Mom has taken up with a guy who works in her shop. He's nice, works hard, helps out around our house and sometimes stays over. Mom says it's not sexual. I'm going into my senior year, and all of a sudden, I no longer trust men or my mom. Can you reassure me? Twice Shy

A: Dear Shy:
Dad's drinking, a divorce, and now Mom's new sleepover friend---of course you're mixed up and distrustful. Take Mom aside and say "Hey remember me?" Tell her about your feelings and fears. She's the grown up an needs to do the job of guiding you. If she doesn't, turn to a trusted aunt or another responsible adult who has a healthy marriage.

Parents Can't Help Son if he Doesn't Want Help
July 10, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
My 30 year old stepson, "Dan" has had problems with drugs and alcohol for years. Last year, he went through a rehab program but shortly after got back into drugs, had a horrible fight with his wife, and said he was going to kill himself. She called us saying, "Just thought you should know." We live four hours away and were scared to death. We called the sheriff, who found him and took him to the hospital. He was kept in the psychiatric ward for 24 hours.

We brought Dan to live with us so we could get him professional help. He stayed two months and it went very well. But when he returned home, he ignored the hard work we'd done and all the advice from his psychiatrist and counselor. Three day after he left, he got into an argument with his father, and even though my husband apologized immediately, they haven't spoken since.

His wife never wanted Dan to move in with us to begin with, so she's not speaking to us either.

Annie, we are terribly hurt. I am trying to stay out of the middle, but as time goes by, it gets harder and harder to put forth any effort. Should I put on my big girl panties and try to facilitate healing?
Worried Stepmom

Dear Worried:
There's only so much you can do with an adult child who refuses to stay sober and in touch, especially if his wife is not cooperative.

Your husband can send a letter or e-mail telling his son again that he is sorry about the argument, that he loves him and that his door is always open. You can write his wife expressing the same sentiments and trying to forge a closer bond. Beyond that, however, you will simply have to hope that time heals the rift.

Grand Jury Indicts Motorist whose Son was Hurt in Crash
June 12, 2008 The Blade
A Toledo man accused of being drunk June 1 when his car crashed into several poles along a West Toledo road, seriously injuring his 10 year old son, has been indicted by a Lucas County grand jury on a felony child endangering charge.

Anthony Boyd, 40, pleaded not guilty Monday in Toledo Municipal Court to several traffic citations, including driving under the influence, driving with a suspended license, open container, failure to control, driving in marked lanes, and a seat belt violation.

Police said Boyd showed several signs of intoxication, including a strong odor of alcohol, slurred speech, red and glassy eyes, and had difficulty answering simple questions posed by the officer at the scene.

Boyd refused to take a Breathalyzer test, police said.

Q: CHILDREN OF ALCOHOLICS AND ADDICTS ARE MORE LIKELY TO BECOME ADDICTED?

A: True-Children of addicted parents need to heal from being in alcoholic/drug addicted families and get support to avoid addiction in their own lives.

Dear Annie:
My 21-year-old niece has been dealing with a drinking problem since high school. I also have a drinking problem that only my husband and kids know about. My husband, who was having a serious talk with my niece, decided it was in her best interest to tell her about my problem.

I am very private and want no one to know about my drinking because of the stigma attached. I don't want my parents or siblings to have to worry about me or look at me differently. I am doing quite well keeping this under control.

I can't be certain my niece will blab this information to everyone, but somehow, I think she will eventually. Do you think my husband had good reason to tell her? I don't see how it would help, and it sure made me angry. Shouldn't such personal information come directly from me? Upset Wife

Dear Upset:
Your husband should have asked you first if it was OK to give your niece this information, but you can't put the cat back in the bag. It is very possible that learning her aunt has a similar problem was comforting to your niece and will inspire her to work harder to control her drinking. In fact, the two of you may share a genetic predisposition to alcoholism. We think having this information will do more good than harm, and we hope you will forgive your husband so you can be a source of encouragement to your niece.

Dear Abby:
I have a problem. When my husband, our two young sons and I visit my husbands parents out of state several times a year, my father in law gives my sons’ beer.

My husband has talked to his father several times and told him that alcohol is an adult drink, and the boys may not drink it without our approval, until they are 21. My in-laws were both big drinkers, and when we mention it they act offended.

Last weekend, my father in law gave our 19 month old several sips of beer. (I kept quiet because my husband’s 90 year old grandfather was visiting), and I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable, I also didn’t think my father in law would listen to me anyway.

Mother Unable to Stay Sober
March 28, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
My mother is a 79-year-old alcoholic. She has tried counseling and every program there is to stay sober, but time and again she falls off the wagon. She refuses to seek any more treatment.

When Mom is in one of her dry spells, the rest of the family makes sure not to drink in her presence, even though we enjoy an occasional beer or cocktail. That means at the many family parties and picnics; no one brings alcohol so as not to tempt Mom. When she is off the wagon again, we let everyone know they can drink.

Should we continue this charade, or should we just let Mom deal with her own sobriety? Some of the relatives are tired of it. Trying to Help in Ohio

Dear Ohio:
You are not responsible for Mom's sobriety, but if you serve alcohol, Mom will feel it is acceptable for her to drink, so yes, maintaining the charade likely helps her stay sober----at least for the duration of the party. In the long run, it probably doesn't matter much. If you haven't looked into Al-Anon alanon.alateen.org, you might do so at 888-425-2666.

Grandmother Charged with Child Endangering
A Luna Pier, Michigan woman accused of using drugs in front of her granddaughter Sunday was arraigned yesterday in Toledo Municipal Court on child endangering and possession of drug paraphernalia charges, authorities said.

Kathleen Wallace, 51, was arrested about 7 p.m in Jerusalem Township and booked into the Lucas County Jail. She is free on $500 bond.

Police accused Ms. Wallace of using drugs in front of her 2-year-old granddaughter while at a drug house near Grand and Elliott avenues in central Toledo. A syringe also was found in Ms. Wallace's jacket pocket, police said.

Dear Deanna!
My teen daughter drinks a lot and I think it's a problem but others seem to think it's okay because she's a freshman in college. Her grades are average, she has no sense of responsibility and I can't seem to get through to her.

She is very rebellious and although I hate to say it, she's horrible and nasty when she's drunk. I can't recall the last time she was sober.

I need to tear her away from her loser friends and get her some help but everything I've tried has failed. Anonymous, Dallas, Texas

Dear Anonymous:
Alcohol abuse is never acceptable. You need to immediately get some help from Alcoholics Anonymous.

Yes, young students new to college drink and party but your daughter's problem is more intense and dangerous. Her problems are more than the college experience and she needs to take a break, get herselft together and go back to school once she's cleaned up her act.

If not, your money will go down the drain and she'll continue on a fast track of self destruction.

Dear Ann Landers:
My 23-year-old sister has been divorced for three years. She has been going with about four different guys and is pregnant. She is not sure who the father is and says she doesn’t care because none of the guys she has been sleeping with is worth a hill of beans and she wouldn’t marry any of them.

The problem is that “Tracy” thinks she is in good shape with her pregnancy because she has given up all drugs. She wants to keep the baby and is anxious that it be 100 percent healthy.

I am glad Tracy has given up drugs, but she has not stopped drinking. This worries me a lot because she is a heavy drinker. Can you put something in your column to educate women who drink while they are pregnant? We read plenty about babies born to crack and cocaine addicted mothers but very little about those born to alcoholic mothers. Thanks for your help. Her Sister in Topeka

Dear Topeka:
I hope your sister will read this column and take it seriously. In November of 1992, a 24-year-old woman was jailed in Waynesville, Mo., and charged with second-degree assault and child endangerment when her child was born intoxicated.

Every year, about 40,000 babies are born damaged because their mothers drank alcohol during pregnancy. Babies who are born with fetal alcohol syndrome have flattened facial features, their eyes are widely spaced and they have hooded eyelids. Almost all these children are learning-disabled and have varying degrees of mental retardation. They are usually small and short and remain that way throughout their lives.

I urge Tracy to make every effort to stop drinking at once. If she is unable to do it on her own, she should contact Alcoholics Anonymous. It is listed in the phone book and costs nothing to join. If she is not seeing a doctor, she should do so immediately. Good Luck to her. She is going to need it.

Dear Annie:
I've been married for 29 years and my husband is an alcoholic. His company went out of business five years ago. After three years of being unemployed, he got a menial job, but quit after two months. At his next job, he called in sick so often, the boss told him he was on probation. So he quit.

Now he sits on the couch all day and night staring at the TV. He will occasionally wash a load of laundry but otherwise does nothing around the house. He does not help pay any bills. he will not go to the doctor. I've made appointments and he cancels them. He tried counseling a few years ago, but decided he was smarter than they were and stopped. He absolutely refuses to look for a job.

My family and friends wonder why I don't leave him. The answer is, I think he would end his life and I couldn't live with the guilt. But I fear by not doing anything I'm somehow making it worse. He is not a danger to himself or anyone else---he is just existing. I need to know what to do. Need Help

Dear Need Help:
You are not responsible for what your husband chooses to do with his life. However, we understand your fear that he may not survive and we can tell that you still care about him. Your husband sounds severely depressed--which is not uncommon with alcoholics, who often use liquor to self-medicate. Keep encouraging him to talk to his doctor, and also contact Al-Anon (al-anon.alateen.org) at 888-4-AL-ANON and ask for help.

Are you An Alcoholic?
Do you need a drink at a definite time every day?

Do you prefer to drink alone?

In the morning do you crave “ the hair of the dog that bit you”?

Is your drinking hurting your family in any way?

Do you take a drink when you feel yourself getting the shakes?

Is your drinking damaging your reputation?

Do you lose time from work because of your drinking?

Has drinking made you inconsiderate of your family’s welfare?

Since you have been drinking, have you become jealous of your spouse?

Have your initiative and perseverance decreased?

Do you drink to relieve anxiety?

Has your drinking made you more sensitive?

Is it endangering your health?

Do you show marked moodiness as a result of your drinking?

Has your drinking made you harder to get along with?

Is it make your home life unhappy?

Is it jeopardizing your job or hurting your business or career?

Has it made you irritable?

Is drinking affecting your peace of mind?

Dear Annie:
My husband is an alcoholic. Five years ago, he was in an accident and arrested for DUI, it was a new beginning for us. I would like to thank the officer who found him because it was the eye-opener he needed. he quit drinking that day.

We have two children who are starting to hit the difficult teen years. They still remember the misery of their father's drinking, but it doesn't guarantee they won't follow in Dad's footsteps. What can I do to protect my kids from becoming alcoholics like their father? Concerned Mother

Dear Concerned:
Your children are old enough to understand that they may have a predisposition to alcoholism and, therefore, a great responsibility to be extra careful when tempted to drink. You cannot prevent them from experimenting, but you can help them appreciate that the repercussions may be more serious than they anticipate, and that their friends' reactions to alcohol is not going to be an accurate gauge of what might happen to them. Please have this discussion with them soon.

Girl, 13, Alerts Police that Her Dad is Driving Drunk
A Hamtramck, Michigan man arrested Monday on I-75 after his 13 year old daughter told 911 dispatchers he was driving drunk was arraigned yesterday in Monroe County District Court.

Pawal Bozek, 39, pleaded not guilty to one count each of operating while intoxicated and child endangerment. He is free on his own recognizance.

Judge Terrence Bronsen scheduled a pretrial hearing for Feb 25.

Monroe police said 911 dispatchers got a cell phone call from the daughter about 3:45 p.m. She said she was a passenger in her father's southbound minivan and he was intoxicated.

The driver was pulled over near Monroe, and police said Mr. Bozek failed field sobriety tests and had a blook alcohol level of 0.26 percent, more than three times Michigan's 0.8 percent legal limit to drive.

How to Make a Trooper Cry
Want to see a state trooper cry? Would you like to see him bury his face in his hands, bawl like a baby and slam his fist into the side of his patrol car? It’s easy.

Start by refusing to listen when your wife suggests that she drive.

Don’t be a wimp. Assert yourself.

Say, “Aw heck, I can drive the car better with a few beers under my belt than you can cold sober.”

Show her whose boss.

Twenty minutes later, you are standing in the dark on the side of the highway with broken glass and spilled gasoline all around.

Your wife is screaming, pinned beneath jagged edges of twisted metal.

Your 2 year old daughter is silent.

Your 6 year old son is sprawled face-down 30 feet away.

The highway trooper smelled the alcohol on your breath when you tried to explain, and he’s not very gentle as he pushes you into the rear of the patrol car and tells you to shut your mouth.

Then he pauses for a moment to wipe away his tear before he turns his attention to what is left of your car and your family.

Congratulations. You’ve made a trooper cry.

WOMAN DRAGGED BY CAR TESTIFIES ABOUT ORDEAL
November 17, 2000 San Francisco Chronicle
Dragged 17 blocks after she refused to have sex with an acquaintance, she had been smoking crack with.

METHAMPHETAMINE
(Meth, speed, ice, crystal meth, crank, chalk, glass, fire)

Methamphetamine is a dangerous and unpredictable stimulant. It comes in powder and chunk form, as well as a clear form called “ice” or “glass”. When snorted or smoked, meth produces and increased energy level, euphoria, and the ability to go without food or sleep for extended periods of time.

Methamphetamine is highly addictive and can cause paranoia, hallucinations, violent behavior, depression, and death. New research shows that meth users risk long-term brain damage similar to a stroke or Alzheimer’s disease. Call 1-800-626-4636 to get information on treatment programs in your area.

$8M Taken In Ohio
Ringleader in Armored Car Holdup Gets 8 Years
Dillion's mother, Sharon Gregory, 49, who conspired with the couple and fled with them to West Virginia, was sentenced yesterday to three years in prison.

U.S. District Judge John Adams gave her lighter sentence because she didn't participate in the actual theft, didn't know the amount of money involved, and because of her desperation from a longtime crack addiction.

COCAINE MOM GETS LIGATION, GROUP SAYS
June 20, 2001 Ann Arbor News
A mother of 13 children- including a baby that died two weeks after birth and four others who tested positive for cocaine at birth- reportedly has undergone a tubal ligation to prevent her from having more children.

Since its creation four years ago, CRACK has paid 445 women and five men to agree to long-term birth control. Before agreeing to the birth control, those 450 people were responsible for a total of 2,479 pregnancies and 1,655 of those resulted in births the group said.

Girl Doubts Step Mom Kept Vow to Quit Drugs
Dear Annie:
I recently discovered that my stepmother has been using cocaine and meth. She is in her 40s and has two young children. I always thought she was a little nuts, but I never suspected she was using drugs.

I am just baffled by this. I immediately informed my dad, and he believed me because he had noticed her behavior, but he didn't know how to confront her. When he caught her red-handed, she said she would stop, but I don't think she did. I haven't seen any signs of withdrawal, and the other day a friend asked whether my stepmother was on drugs. This friend's mother is a former user and my friend is aware of the signs.

I don't know much about the drug culture and have no clue how to handle this. My father is sure she quit. I never thought this would come into my family. My stepmother isn't aware that I know. I don't want my father to be upset. What can I do? Help Me in California

Dear Help:
It's unlikely your stepmother simply stopped. Getting off highly addictive drugs is not as easy as wanting to or promising to. That's only the first part of becoming sober. The rest requires a lot of work. Talk to your father about your concerns and suggest he contact NarAnon (nar-anon.org) for family and friends of drug addicts, at 1-800-477-6291.

FATHER CHARGED WITH LEAVING 3 YEAR OLD SON IN CRACK HOUSE
October 16, 2002 Detroit Free Press
A man abandoned his 3-year-old son in a crack house for at least 11 hours as he tried to get more cocaine.
The boy’s mother said she thought her boyfriend no longer took drugs.

Sex Offender Lover Keeps Mom from Kids
Dear Annie:
Last year, my boyfriend was caught soliciting a 16 year old girl over the Internet. “John” was drunk and high on cocaine at the time. He was an addict and I was aware of it. I chose to stay with him anyway.

John has to register as a sex offender, and the felony will never be erased from his record. I have three children two older teenagers and 9 year old boy. I don't have custody of my son, and although the boy saw John weekly for the first three months he was in rehab, that's over now. My son is no longer allowed to see John at all, and he misses his “second dad”.

My son hasn't been able to stay overnight with me or even visit unless John is somewhere else. I've barely seen my child in seven months. Do I have to choose between them? My kids matter, but I also love John dearly. I've never been treated so well. He is a different person now that he is sober. What should I do? Torn

Dear Torn:
We're glad John is sober, but your child's welfare must come first. We are assuming your ex has custody of your son, but he cannot legally keep the boy away unless it is court mandated. Have you spoken to your lawyer? If there is nothing you can do to change the visitation setup, we recommend you arrange to see your son as often as you can, without John. Your child needs to know you will not abandon him.

Dear Ann Landers:
I am writing this from jail. Your column is the first thing I read every morning. I noticed at the end of one column a mention of your booklet, "The Lowdown on Dope." It started with these words, "Drugs are everywhere, and they’re easy to get, easy to use and even easier to get hooked on."

These words certainly have the ring of truth, but most people don't know how hooked they can get. I know because I got hooked on crack cocaine the first time I smoked it. I lost my new truck and I lost the respect of many people who loved me. The most painful loss was my fiancée.

More than once, I promised myself I would quit the craziness, and I did quit--for 24 hours. But I couldn't stay away from the stuff. Last January, I was arrested for selling cocaine. I've been in jail since then, and I haven't been sentenced yet. My lawyer says, "The courts are backed up with guys like you."

Will this nightmare ever end? Please let me tell your readers that crack kills. If you are thinking about trying it for kicks, don't. If you are using it, get some help. Finally Woke Up in Bloomington, Ind.

Dear Bloomington:
Your letter did more good than you will ever know. No one could have told your story more effectively.

Fiancée has Addition to Painkillers
Dear Annie:
I love my fiancée, “Lizzie”, dearly, but she has a serious painkiller addiction, and I do not know how to deal with it. Lizzie has been in rehab twice, and upon release, fell right back into her old habit. However, you may be shocked to learn how she gets her supply. Whenever she needs a new prescription, she walks into the nearest emergency room claiming back pain. They X-ray her, tell her she has no broken bones, and give her a prescription for a painkiller.

I have contacted the hospital and have even spoken to the ER doctors in person, to no avail. I tell them that she will consume 60 Vicodin tablets in less than 3 days, but they continue to write her prescriptions. I have contacted every private-practice physician she knows, and they tell me they are prohibited by law from acting upon my information.

Please, I am begging for help. I love Lizzie with all my heart, but I do not know how to prevent her from gaining easy access to these narcotics. “Doc in Love”

Dear Doc:
The pharmacies, hospitals, and doctors should be keeping records of Lizzie’s prescriptions, but it is possible she is obtaining Vicodin in so many different places, or under different names, that they have no documentation of abuse.

There are several organizations for friends and families of addicts. Check your phone book for Al-Anon (alateen-alanon.org) or look into Nar-Anon (nar-anon.org) at 800-477-6291 and Families Anonymous (familiesanonymous.org) at 1-800-736-9805 Good Luck

Dear Ann Landers:
I've been on Valium for 17 years, and for the last 7 years, I've wished I were dead. Please tell me how to get of this miserable stuff.

All these years, I've been what everybody wanted me to be instead of what I wanted to be. I can get down to 1/2 or a 5-milligram pill a day and function OK, but I still feel spaced out and not in control of myself.

I think my family likes me better on Valim because I am easier to get along with and I don't make any demands on anyone.

I resisted taking Valium when the doctor first suggested it as a temporary relief for anxiety. The thought that I might not be in control of my behavior frightened me. I wish I had had the courage then to say no to the drug, which was supposed to help me get over a bad time.

Now, I feel completely burned out. I have no self-respect. No matter what I am asked to do, I do it. This damned Valium has made a zombie out of me. I am unable to express an opinion different from that of a friend or a relative. I do as I am told--like a robot. In other words, I am not me. I am the creation of a chemical that can be purchased in a pharmacy. It's a lousy feeling, and I hate it. Can I get off this stuff and be me again? Disgusted and Tired in Illinois

Dear Tired:
You are unquestionably hooked on the stuff. What kind of doctor would prescribe a tranquilizer for 17 years?!!! I am appalled!

People who know say it is harder to get off pills than booze. Contact a drug abuse center. (Look in the phone book---there are several). It's a tough battle, but you can win it. Others have, and so can you.

Q:I have heard that some people have become addicted to drugs prescribed by their doctors. Wouldn’t a doctor who did this be liable to have malpractice charges brought against him?

A:Yes, prescribing enough narcotic drugs to create addiction in a patient may well justify charges against a doctor. Doctors must use care in selecting drugs for use by their patients and must determine whether a patient is unusually susceptible to a particular drug or likely to become addicted to it or to suffer other adverse effects from using it.

Man's Addiction Leaves his Wife with Questions
Dear Annie:
I recently discovered that my husband is addicted to painkillers. He buys them illegally from people (he calls them "friends") on the street.

I have noticed a marked changed in his personality since he's been taking the drugs. I know this is common in drug abusers, but I need to clarify whether his behavior constitutes emotional abuse.

For example, we had a disagreement about his 21 year old son who lives with us and also uses drugs. When I suggested his son pick up after himself, my husband became irate and very threatening in his dismeanor. He said things like, "You better remember who supports you" and " If I'm not good enough for you, then leave."

I'm a bit afraid of him now because I don't know when he will explode. Drug rehab is out of the question since he has informed me that I have the problem, not him. I worry about him being arrested or the police coming to the house and sending my 16 year old daughter to foster care. Since he absolutely refuses to get help and I absolutely cannot live like this, would you leave him if you were me? Not Sure

Dear Not Sure:
Normally, we would recommend counseling first, and it would still be a good idea to see someone, but you have a 16 year old daughter who is surely affected by the behavior of her stepfather and stepbrother, and her welfare must come before anything else. Since you believe your husband is becoming erratic and threatening, it would be best to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 before taking the next step. Also contact Nar-Anon (naranon.org) at 800-477-6291 or Al-Anon (alanon.alateen.org) at 888-425-2666 for family affected by drug addicts. Your entire family needs help.

Dear Annie:
Like "No Name, No City," I discovered my husband is a compulsive gambler after we married. He blew $50,000, and I forgave him and worked hard to get his debt under control. He promised to stop, and did--until the next time.

Tell "Clark's" wife to file for divorce now. He will never stop gambling and will ruin her financially. It may even be possible that he targeted her for marriage because he was out of funds with which to gamble.
Been There in Pennsylvania

Dear Pennsylvania:
Thanks for telling your side. Gambling is addictive and needs to be worked on by someone truly committed to quitting.

Schlichter: King Con
Gambling led to shameful waste of talent
He had wealth and fame and promise and a cheerleader wife and two little girls---and lost it all to an addiction that spiraled out of control faster than any football he ever threw.

Art Schlichter is a compulsive gambler. By his own count, he has been in more than 30 prisons over the last 10 years.

Mother is Addicted to Gambling
September 24, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
Our 80 year old mother has become addicted to gambling. My father would be rolling in his grave if he knew she'd gone through all his hard earned retirement savings.

Mom has a great monthly pension plan, but the money is being used up and she cannot account for where it is going. She has no outstanding bills, although we know she has borrowed from family members because she is often in need of cash. And although she says she will pay them back, she never does.

I am afraid Mom has taken out a second mortgage on her home and is deeply in debt. I've asked her about it and she denies she has a problem. I believe we siblings should be united and insist she get help. Others in the family say to leave her alone, that it is her money and not our business how she spends it in her old age.

It's not about an inheritance, which I don't expect. I am saddened and embarrassed by this situation. I see it no differently than an alcoholic who needs to be confronted to get help. When we close our eyes to the situation, we are enabling her. It also bothers me that she gets sick and needs nursing help, there will be no money left to arrange for her care. Please advice. Worried Child
Dear Worried:
Like alcohol, gambling can become an addiction, and if others ignore the problem, it enables the behavior. Both can also be used to mask other problems, such as depression, and that may be what is going on with your mother. You cannot force her to get help. She has to admit there's a problem and be willing to work on it. Please contact Gam-Anon (gamanon.org) P.O. Box 157 Whitestone, N.Y 11357, for information and resources.

Ex-Class President Exits Prison for Bank Robbery
A former Lehign University class president was released from prison after he served nearly two years for robbing a bank to pay his online poker debts.

Greg Hogan, Jr. 22, of Barberton, Ohio, ex-president of Lehigh University's class of 2008, left state prison on June 16 after serving 22 months for the August, 2005 , robbery of an Allentown Wachovia bank.

Hogan gave the teller a note demanding money and said he had a gun. He left with about $2,800 and was arrested later at orchestra practice. Authoritiess said he owed $5,000.

Till Debt Do Us Part
Take the case of Donald, a farmer who got a loan from the bank to purchase seed in spring. The whole economy of his farm and family depended on his planting. While he was accruing $35,000 for repayment in their joint bank account, his wife, Susann, was discovering Internet gambling. Soon the account balance was zero.

Donald, in turn, lost all possibility of profit from the family farm's production and was burdened with debt for years to come.

"If your spouse makes a bad decision, even if you had no knowledge of that decision, when you're married you're treated as one financial entity," Stanley says. Even after a divorce, debt acquired by either party during the marriage is often considered communal responsibility.

Dear Ann Landers:
I once heard you say that gambling is just as much a disease as alcoholism. I think my husband has the illness. He keeps denying it, although I have not seen his paycheck for 7 weeks. (It is a good thing I have a job). What are the symptoms of a compulsive gambler? How does one tell? Wish I knew for sure

Dear Wish:
Gamblers Anonymous, an extremely effective organization that operates along the same lines as AA, has prepared these 20 questions. If you answer yes to more than seven, your husband is a compulsive gambler.
Here they are-and please keep in mind that women can have the sickness too.
Does he lose time from work because of gambling?

Is gambling making his home life unhappy?

Is gambling affecting his reputation?

Has he ever felt remorse after gambling?

Does he ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or to otherwise solve financial difficulties?

Does gambling cause a decrease in ambition or efficiency?

After losing, does he feel he must return as soon as possible and win back his losses?

After a win, does he have a strong urge to return and win more?

Does he often gamble until the last dollar is gone?

Does he ever borrow to finance gambling?

Has he ever sold any personal property to finance gambling?

Is he reluctant to use “gambling money” for normal expenditures?

Does gambling make him careless of the family welfare?

Does he ever gamble longer than planned?

Does he ever gamble to escape anxiety or personal problems?

Has he ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?

Does gambling cause him to have difficulty in sleeping?

Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create an urge to gamble?

Does he have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling?

Has he ever considered self-destruction as a result of gambling?

LOSING GAMBLER SHOOTS 3, KILLS SELF
January 15, 2001 San Francisco Chronicle

GAMBLERS BLAME MILITARY; CRITICS SAY OVERSEAS SLOT MACHINES TAKE ADVANTAGE OF SOLDIERS; ARMY PROVIDES NO SUPPORT FOR ADDICTS
January 14, 2000 San Francisco Chronicle

Quit Smoking
You've probably heard all the reasons why-now check out the hows of quitting, based on recommendations of the American Cancer Society.

Ask yourself why you want to stop smoking.

Write your answers on a piece of paper and carry it with you.

Whenever you feel like smoking, use your list to remind yourself of why you want to stop.

Fill out a "stop smoking contract". Sign it, and have a family member or friend sign it as a witness.

Throw away all the cigarettes, lighters, and ashtrays.

Change your schedule to avoid circumstances in which you usually smoke. Walk around the block or chew gum when you would normally be smoking.

Put up no-smoking signs in your house, your work area and your car.

Prepare yourself to feel the urge to start smoking again. Here are four ways to deal with the urge to smoke: delaying, deep breathing, drinking water and doing something else.

Carry around "mouth toys"-candy, gum, straws, carrot sticks.

List the good things that have happened since you stopped smoking, and keep the list with you as an inspiration wherever you go. For example, you might note that your breath is fresher, you can climb the stairs without getting winded, and you've saved enough money to buy a new DVD player.

Reward yourself for quitting; for example, you could take the money you might have spent on cigarettes and buy yourself something nice.

Tips
Be prepared to persist despite a few relapses.

Planning meals, eating a healthful diet and staying active will help you maintain your weight.

Look for a support group or smoking-cessation class.

Warning
You may experience irritability, depression or a dry mouth due to nicotine withdrawal after you stop smoking. These symptoms should pass.

Cigarette Study
Menthol Drawing, Retaining Smokers
FDA could be given control of additives
July 17, 2008 The Blade

Sign outside a very caring British pub:
"Do not drop your cigarette butt on the floor. It burns the hands and knees of customers when they leave.
David Beavis

Etiquette Tips: (If you do smoke)
When in someone's home, do not smoke unless he or she does, or unless you ask first, if your host does not smoke. If smoking is permitted, keep in mind that it is unforgivable to lay a cigarette or cigar on the edge of a table. Find an ashtray, or ask for one.

Don't strike a match toward someone. The head may fly off and cause a burn.

Never put a cigarette out other than in an ash tray. Saucers or decorative ornaments could be ruined. Always do put a cigarette out completely. The smell of a cigarette burning itself out is nauseating.

Don't litter lawns, parks, or gardens with your cigarette butts. Pick them up and dispose of them properly.

Be careful that your smoke does not drift into anyone else's face. If you are the victim of a thoughtless smoker, you are free to say, "Would you please hold your cigarette on the other side? The smoke is blowing right in my face".

Never throw a lighted cigarette out a car window. Millions of acres of our forests have been destroyed through this kind of carelessness. And never smoke in a car unless you have the permission of the other occupants to do so.

Carry your own cigarettes. People who smoke only O.P.'s (Other People's) are never popular. If you do take out your cigarettes, you should first offer one to the person near you or in your immediate group.

It is polite to light the cigarette of the person near you, but not if he or she is across the table or if it would be awkward to do so.

Whether it is proper to smoke at the table depends on whether places are set with ashtrays. If they are, it is obviously permissible to smoke, not throughout the meal, but after dessert, unless your host indicates otherwise.

Cigar smokers are the least popular of all smokers. Cigars do have a smell that is offensive to many people. Don't leave cigar butts in ashtrays, for the smell lingers. When your cigar is thoroughly extinguished, remove the ashtray and dispose of the butt.

Dear Ann Landers:
When I was in high school I was fat and miserable. Staying on a diet was impossible and I hated myself.I read in your column about a girl who had the habit of gorging herself and then throwing up. You told her it was dangerous and to stop it before she ran into serious physical and emotional problems.

I decided I was smarter than you and that it was a neat way to take off weight and stay thin. Since that time I have been forcing myself to throw up three or four times a week. That was 10 years ago. I am still not thin but I have done some awful things to myself. Please let me use your column to warn anyone who may be tempted to try it.

After throwing up, I feel physically exhausted. My skin becomes blotched and greenish in color. My eyes hurt and I get sores around my mouth.

As the years go by it is harder and harder to make myself throw up. When I was 16 I used my finger. Now I use all sorts of instruments and have to stick them farther down my throat. Sometimes it takes me an hour or more to vomit.

I am trapped in this behavior and am so embarrassed I haven't been able to ask for help. It's horrible, just like drug addiction or alcoholism, because it controls me. The more I do it, the worse I feel and the more I want to do it again. I know it's crazy, but aren't all addictions?

Can you tell me more about the damage I am doing to my eyes, ears, stomach, skin and glands in my throat? It might help me stop.Thank you. Having a Devil of a Time in Denver

Dear Denver:
Telling you more about the damage you are doing to your body will not help you stop. You are trapped in a compulsive pattern of behavior and common sense won't work.

You need the help of a trained professional, and I urge you to get it at once. Look in the phone book under "mental health." Denver has some excellent facilities. You can get counseling for little money or maybe no charge.

Dear Ann Landers:
I recently attended my niece's ninth birthday party, along with 16 of her classmates. The boys were talking about school and vacation plans and telling jokes. The girls were having a heated discussion on who was "fat" and who was "skinny." They discussed diets and were critical of the girls with weight problems.

I was so disgusted I left the room. I wanted to tell those girls that it's what's inside a person that counts, but I realized there was no way to undo in a few sentences what our culture has done to them since the day they were born.

When will the media and other powerful elements in our society stop insisting that thinness is ideal? Why are women judged by what they weigh while men are judged by what they accomplish and how much money they make?

It is estimated that one out of five female college students suffers from an eating disorder. I do not want my niece or any other young girl to become a statistic. Female students with eating disorders cannot concentrate on schoolwork. Working women with eating disorders cannot concentrate on their jobs. The equality women have fought for won't mean a thing if there are no healthy women around to enjoy it.

These young girls learn from television to emulate supermodels who weigh, on average, 23 percent less than a normal American woman. My 9 year old niece is not interested in boys. She is trying to be thin because society has taught her that she will not be accepted any other way. Please address this issue, Ann. Concerned Aunt in N.J.

Dear N.J. Aunt:
I share your concern that is unhealthy for a 9 year old to be preoccupied with her weight. The current mania to be thin, thin, thin has affected females of all ages.

The only way to lose weight and keep it off is by changing eating habits and incorporating exercise into the daily routine--permanently. Young, healthy girls should not be dieting. If they exercise regularly and eat well-balanced, nutritious meals, that should be sufficient.

I see no realistic solution to this problem, since the obsession to be pencil-thin is inherent in our culture. How unfortunate.

CAN PILL HELP CURE SHOPAHOLICS?
January 6, 2003 Detroit News
New studies indicate that antidepressants may reduce urge for compulsive shoppers.

SIGNS OF A SHOPAHOLIC
Preoccupation with shopping. You need a shopping “fix” and it’s constantly on your mind.
It results in debt
It results in family or marital discord
You often buy things that go unused.
You like to shop at least once a week
Source: Lorrin Koran M.D. Stanford University

Dear Ann Landers:
My husband is a workaholic. He regularly works on Saturdays and often on Sundays as well. He averages 10 to 12 hours a day. Our three children are grown and doing well. We have purchased annuities for them and our four grandchildren. We give generous gifts of money for birthdays and Christmas and enjoy the fact that we can.

We have two cars, a lovely home, no debts and approximately $1 million in assets. Sound good? Well, we also have no hobbies. We haven’t had a vacation in years except for a couple of weekends when we visited our children and their families.I was a professional woman and worked both inside and outside the home. We are both in our 70s. When does the fun start? The Big Q

Dear Q:
The fun started for your husband a long time ago. Workaholics would rather work than play, which is why they do it. Mates of workaholics must make their own fun. If you’re in your 70s and haven’t discovered that, you’re a slow learner, honey.

Marital Problems
October 17, 2008 The Blade
Actor David Duchovny, who recently sought treatment for sex addiction, has separated from Tea Leoni, his wife of 11 years and mother of their two children, People magazine reported Wednesday.

Duchovny, who plays a womanizing novelist on the U.S. television series Californication, has left a rehabilitation center for sex addiction after successfully completing a program, his attorney said last week.

Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today

Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611

Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com