Background Checks

Background Check
Article: Background Check
Chapter from Research before Romance (Background Check)

Research before Romance-Background Check by: T. L. Moss

Background checks cost less than $100. For the cost of your life, entire bank account, your children's safety, it's well worth the money, to find out who he/she really is.

I met him in a personal ad. After a month of midnight conversation, and a couple bouquets of flowers, I was anxious to meet my pillowtalk friend in person.

When he asked me to send him a bus ticket, the first and last red flag opened my eyes. I had worked for a private investigator, which at the time, was located less than 2 blocks away.

It took me less than 10 minutes to find out that he was not a medical doctor, as he claimed. Less than a week later, a woman called asking questions. It seems he called me from a hospital corridor at night, and charged the call to his home phone number, which was in his wife's name. I assured her I was no longer talking to him, and then I asked her a couple of questions.

Turns out she met him through a personal ad, and loved him, even though she knew, he was a serial cheater. No, this wasn't the first time he had done this, nor would it be the last, but, she couldn't help herself.

The only thing I regretted about this, was I had given this stranger my address. I changed my phone number the next day.

The front page article in the San Francisco Chronicle was about a man who had committed suicide. He jumped from the bridge.

The man was a gardner in one of the wealthiest counties in the country. His employer had hired him without doing a background check. Had she taken the time to do so, she would have discovered that he was a registered sex offender, who liked little boys. The young mother's little boy aged 4, had finally told her that the man was 'touching him'. The man had been employed for approximately, 2 or 3 years, and how or why he had access to this woman's child is only a guess.

The moral of the story: How much will therapy cost for that little boy? Hundreds more, than a background check. If you can afford to have someone work in/outside of your home, then you can afford to do a background check on them BEFORE they are allowed to know where you live. Does that make any sense? or am I just being overly dramatic?

If you have money, children in your home, have someone in looking after your elderly parents, tend to date men/women you meet online or in personal ads, you've got to take the time to do a little checking. And if you can't take the time to protect yourself, then you can't complain when bad things happen.

Research Before Romance-Background Checks
Legal Question & Answer
Female P.I.'s
Fiance Puzzled about Fiancee's Past
Daughter's Boyfriend has Secrets
Dad's Sex Conviction
Do your Homework!
I'm not His 2nd Wife, I'm his 4th!
Getting Dirt on Line
Polite Conman
Romeo Questioned
A Lie Discovered
Man Dives from Bridge
Personal Ad Discovery
Dad's Companion's Intentions Questioned
Gun Pressed to her Head
Love in the Fast Lane
Secrets Worry Woman
Proposal Online
Boyfriend's Past
Discovering his Habits
Father in Law's Obsession with Kids


Q:I just discovered that my husband’s divorce from his first wife was never made final by the court. Are we legally married? Are our children legitimate?
A:You are not legally married. Until his divorce is final, your husband remains married to his first wife. He could be found guilty of bigamy and punished according to the laws of your state. Although your marriage is invalid, your children are considered legitimate.

All she had to go on was the cold feeling in the bottom of her stomach, the stories that she could not prove were lies, the facts that did not mesh with other facts.

Female private investigators challenge stereotype of sleuths
February 2, 2009 The Blade

Ms. Hite said one reason she got into the business is to help keep others safe.
As a single woman, she went to dinner with a man she had met online. Though he seemed like a wonderful person, she had Ms. Love run a background check and found he had recently been released from prison.

"If I had not had a friend like Sandy, I would have seen this person more times," Ms. Hite said. "It really got me to thinking about women and men that don't check."

Dear Annie:
I am a widower and recently got engaged to "Dyann." We are planning on getting married soon, but a few things have me puzzled.

My wife to be told me she had been married and divorced. She had a child living with her who I thought was her only child. I'd been seeing her for a few months when I found out she had three other children who were living with their father. When I asked her why she hadn't mentioned them, she said she didn't like talking about that part of her life.

When we applied for a marriage license, Dyann put down that she'd been married twice before, not the one time I knew about. I also noticed she hadn't been truthful about her age. I haven't said anything about these falsehoods, but I think they're odd.

Are these red flags I should be concerned about? Confused

Dear Confused:
Yes. Your fiancee is a liar. There may be understandable reasons for her fabrications, but she owes it to you to be completely honest before you make a legal commitment. You are going to be her husband. If she refuses to answer all your questions truthfully and to your satisfaction, it means she is hiding something from the person she plans to share her life with. This is no way to start a marriage.

Dear Ann Landers:
Our daughter, who is a junior in college, is interested in “Sid”, a young graduate student. Last week, Sid was a guest in our house. He shared a bedroom with our 13 year old son.
This morning after our daughter and Sid left for school, our son told us he’d had an opportunity to learn a few things. Sid’s suitcase had someone else’s initials on it. His driver’s license indicated that he is 23, not 24. He owes someone $1,200, according to a note in his wallet. There was a mushy letter in his suitcase from a girl who lives in Buffalo. Also, he carries a picture in his wallet of two girls-our daughter and another girl. What do you make of this? Concerned parents

Dear Parents:
You have a right to be deeply concerned-about that little punk you’re raising. Teach the kid to mind his own business.

Top Court Oks removing Children
2 local kids taken from parents because of dad's sex conviction
October 1, 2008 The Blade
The Ohio Supreme Court yesterday upheld the decision of Lucas County child protection officials to remove two young children from their home because their father had been convicted of molesting boys 14 years earlier.

In the 6-1 decision,the majority stressed that the decision was not about the mother's refusal to divorce hernn I fhusband, but rather about the lack of progress both had made in therapy.

"Although she has a constitutional right to remain married to a pedophile who has not made meaningful progress in therapy,that right does not ensure that her right to custody of her children is absolute," wrote Justice Maureen O'Connor for the majority.

Lucas County Children Services investigated after receiving a report of alleged shaken baby syndrome in 2005 involving the couple's infant son. The investigation did not reveal whether the father or another member of the family was responsible, nor has there been other evidence that the father had abused his son born in 2004, or daughter, born in 2002.

But the investigation revealed that the father, at age 19, had served prison time for three felonies related to the sexual abuse of two young boys he was not related to but babysat in 1991.

Do your Homework!
Mr. ****lied to me about his marital status. I was told by his wife, who lives in Vermont that he is married to her and another woman in Philadelphia.

He is 30 years old and is expecting to be a father with a 19 year old young lady, with whom I get along with very well.

He has fathered other children in different states and has not participated in their lives at all.

He looks for young girls to date, and have sex with, to manipulate and deceive them.

He lies about being a rich guy, with a jet, fancy cars and other luxuries.

He does not pay child support for his children, nor does he use protection to prevent fathering another child.

He is a blood sucking leach, who feeds on young women, he needs to be stopped. Patrina

Dear Annie:
I am 62 and have been married for three years to "Ken", who is 68. We're both retired.

When I met him, Ken was very kind. there were flowers and gifts for no reason at all. We took trips and enjoyed life. Once we married, however, it seemed there was nothing I could do to make him happy. I keep a clean house. I weigh only 130 pounds. I enjoy having sex, but Ken will not touch me. He won't take me anyplace. He has very little to say. He tells me I'm no longer appealing to him.

For several months, Ken has been attending counseling sessions for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. (He served two tours in Vietnam). He has never discussed these sessions with me, but yesterday I found some notes he's been keeping.

It appears that while in Vietnam, Ken was aroused by having sex with young girls and spent all his extra money on them. That was one of the reasons he went back for another tour.

According to his notes, I am not his second wife, as I thought, but his fourth. None of the marriages lasted long. When he was 59, he briefly was married to a girl of 22. He wrote that he continues to flirt with young women because they excite him, and that he married me because his health is failing and as he gets older the young women are harder to attract, even with his money.

I haven't told Ken that I saw his notes. What do I do? I'm ready to walk out, but I sold my house when we got married and have no place to go. Alone in the Ohio Valley

Dear Ohio Valley:
The fact that Ken is getting counseling is a positive sign. Tell him you saw the notes and, although you are disappointed he lied, it is encouraging that he is seeking help. An honest conversation between the two of you could be eye-opening and useful, as long as you don't let your anger and fear get the better of you. If nothing productive comes of it and there is no change in Ken's behavior, it's time to talk to an attorney.

Using the Web to get dirt on someone
Suddenly, background checks are not only reserved for businesses scrutinizing prospective employees.

Getting the dirt on someone is easier than ever with the Internet. But that isn’t to say that it’s a slam dunk.

There is no central place for reliable criminal information, for instance. Few if any universities offer degree information online. Some court records are easy to access; others are virtually impenetrable. All that said, it’s still worth a shot.

Social Security numbers can be verified. You can verify former addresses. There is no guarantee, of course, that a person who lived in Oklahoma City didn’t rob a bank in Pawtucket, Rhode Island. But given the old addresses, you have a better idea of where to check.

The FBI maintains the most reliable criminal information by law enforcement authorities. Many states have data online on felony, and sometimes, misdemeanor convictions. Others list everyone who has served time in a state prison. You can look these up yourself, although some are difficult to access. Or you can try http:// www.rapsheets.com a nationwide database of convictions from many states. However many states are not available.

You can do a global search on Rapsheets.com for $29.95 the company claims it has 50 million records in its database. Or you can do searches of individual states for $5.95. These searches are conducted from public records.

Information that can be obtained:
Driving-Automobile Records
Birth-Death Records
Marriage-Divorce Certificates
Social Security Administration
Child Support Enforcement
County Records
State Records
Military Records
Abandoned Property Technique
Bankruptcy Records
Workers Compensation Records
Corporations and UCC Filings
National Cemetery System

Polite, well-read, and devoutly religious 51-year-old Clifford Garrison has a way with women and their money. San Francisco authorities say he has spent much of his life romancing and then swindling 5 of his 8 wives out of an estimated half a million dollars or more. Claiming to be a millionaire, computer executive, golf pro, guidance counselor, FBI agent, and former Vietnam prisoner of war. For the last 10-15 years, he meets, marries and steals their money, and moves on.

Dear Annie:
You gave “Bad Feelings in Georgia” sound advice concerning the new man in their mother’s life. They are right to fear that he may be after her money, but they also should fear for her safety.

Today, reliable and inexpensive background checks can be done on the Internet. The daughters should not hesitate to do one and ask their local police if they know the guy. He could be a serial Romeo who preys on wealthy widows. The kids should also drop by unexpectedly at all hours of the day.

Con men look for easy prey. If he knows he has a family of eagles watching his every move, he will disappear on his own. Been There, Done that, and He Left

Dear Been There:
Thank you for passing along your valuable expertise. We hope “Georgia” will do as you suggest.

A man’s wife mysteriously dies, the police report closes the case as an accident, and he collects the insurance and moves on with his life. A few years later, he meets a young woman, proposes within 2 months and marries her. On their honeymoon, she falls to her death. Whirlwind romances happen all the time, love at first sight is not unusual, But, if she or he can’t live without the other, and getting married is so important, there’s nothing wrong with that, or is there? Just take the time to make sure everything you have worked for is secured (prenuptial) and spend a few dollars to find out more about your new love. If it all checks out, congratulations, but if it doesn’t act like you’re playing the role of a life time, and promptly get rid of this person, and don’t second guess that little voice.

The man had done time for burglary, trying to feed a habit he could not afford. He had been incarcerated and released, had enrolled in college, got his degree and moved forward with his life. However, he wanted to keep this chapter of his life secret. He distanced himself from his family, and thought he was turning a new leaf. He met and married a woman, and told his family that they were never to mention his prison experience to her. Nevertheless, what he did not know is that his new father-in-law suspected that he was hiding something, and had the money to do a background check. The secret was discovered, and the wife got an annulment.

Dear Ann Landers:
I always thought it was narrow minded and mean of you to take such a strong stand against lonely hearts advertisements. I changed my mind today when I read the Nashville Banner.

It seems a man named Henry Joneson of Tomahawk, Alberta, Canada, answered an ad in an agricultural publication. The woman who was looking for a companion was Ada Wittenmyer, age 37. Henry the 50 year old owner of a 900 acre ranch was lonesome and thought Ada sounded “interesting”.

He didn’t realize his letters and checks were going to a prison until District Attorney General Kenneth Atkins called and told him that Ada had just been convicted of poisoning her fourth husband. She was already serving a 25 year term for poisoning her third husband-a wealthy Oklahoma rancher she had met through another lonely hearts ad. Atkins said that when he told him the news Mr.Joneson said, “Oh Lord”.

I hope you will print this letter in your column, Ann, as a warning to others who are lonely. And please accept my apologies for my previous attitude. Nashville Reader

Dear Reader:
Nothing I might have said could have had the impact of your report. I checked it out with Nashville, and every detail was on target. Thanks for the backup.

Dad's Companion Bothers Kids
July 16, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
My mother suffers from Alzheimer's and has not really been with us mentally for the last 15 years. She is in a home and my father visits regularly. Dad is in his mid 70s. About 10 years ago, he started seeing a woman several years my junior (I'm 43). I can understand his need for companionship. It's the age difference that bothers me. Also, he gives large sums of money to this woman. Apparently she has had numerous types of cancers, transplants, and whatnot over the years, which have cost thousands of dollars. But she miraculously does not have a single scar on her body from any of these operations.

Annie, my sisters and I believe this woman is using my father for money for cosmetic surgeries, but Dad won't listen to us. We also believe she is seeing someone else behind his back. Short of hiring a detective, we're out of options. Any advice? Gloomy in the East

Dear Gloomy:
Is Dad of sound mind? If so, he probably has a good idea where his money is going is quite willing to send it there. It's obvious you don't like this woman, and you may have good reason, but not enough for your father to stop seeing her. After 10 years, he's pretty attached, and if she's cheating, he's going to have to see it for himself. It won't do any good to try breaking them up. Your concerns would be better focused making sure Dad has enough money to live on comfortably and that the girlfriend cannot steal his life's savings. Don't mention her name when you suggest he talk to a financial planner and get things in order.

Woman, 23, Tells of Gun Pressed to Her Head
Ex-Boyfriend in Jail and Facing Charges
May 6, 2008 The Blade
According to municipal court records, Brown has been charged with domestic violence 16 times in the past, was convicted twice, and has spend little time in jail.

The 23 year old's former boyfriend with whom she has a 6 week old son, is accused of threatening to kill her Saturday after forcing her into a car as she left a nightclub, police said.

In 2002 and 2003, Brown was found guilty of beating and threatening to kill two women with whom he has children.

Love in the fast lane
Source: Cosmopolitan March 2002
I met a guy on vacation in California who I think is my soul mate. We only spent one night together, but the sparks were so intense that he’s moving to Chicago to be with me. Normally, this would freak me out, but I really think that he’s The One. Can true love happen as suddenly as this?

Poets have written about love at first sight for centuries, and I’d say it has as much chance of working out as a slow budding romance. Sometimes instantaneous love burns itself out, yes, but if often settles into a life long glow of affection, trust, and desire. I hope this happens to you. But I must caution you to go slowly.

You need to find out more about each other before either of you makes a radical life change that you could end up regretting. Call each other and send daily e-mails for a while. Find out if you have similar aims in life, the same moral standards, and compatible politics. How do you both handle finances? Do you both want children someday? Why not go away together for a week or two? Use that time to figure out if you’re a good match and not just a fleeting fling. This may be a lifelong romance….there’s no need to move too quickly.

Boyfriends Secrets Worry Woman
Source: The Ann Arbor News March 2002
Dear Abby:
I have been dating “Jay” for four months. When I met him, he gave me his cell phone number. He said he doesn’t have a home phone.

He won’t tell me where he lives because his “ex woman” stalks him, is dangerous, and he doesn’t want her to cause me any problems. He says she has access to his apartment. (The apartment is in her name).

I care a lot for Jay and don’t want to lose him. He has keys to my house and knows my home and work numbers. I’ve kept no secrets from him, but I suspect he is still involved in a relationship, and that’s why he doesn’t want me to know where he lives. Should I continue to trust Jay, or do you think he is deceiving me?Feeling Hurt

Dear Feeling Hurt:
I think he’s deceiving you. Everything you have written about him indicates he’s still involved with someone else and probably living with her. My advice is to change your locks and home phone number, and if he calls you at work, be unavailable.

Dear Deanna!
I’m a single parent divorcee. I met a military man online and in the past six months, he’s been talking about marriage.

He’s given me an engagement ring and we talk about family, credit and everything else. We love each other and I want to marry this man but my two previous marriages failed due to finances and adultery.

I’m scared and don’t want to have another failed marriage. He keeps telling me he’s a keeper. Is this fate? S.A. Dumfries, VA

Dear S.A.:
Your marriage is already doomed if you go into it with a mindset of divorce and failure. The best investment you can make right now is intense marriage counseling.

Be sure you’re not on the rebound or marrying for the wrong reasons. If you want to know about fate, invite God into your relationship with this man and see how things turn out. As for the Online Casanova, be sure he’s the same on his feet as he is in cyberspace.

She Says She’s Put Off by his Past
Dear Annie:
After 35 years of marriage, I got divorced, and am now dating a man who is warm and good to me. “Tom” and I are attractive people in our early 60s and have dated for three years.

My past life has been very traditional. My ex-husband and Tom have been my only sexual partners. So what is my problem? Tom’s tawdry past is beyond imagination. Since he was a teenager, he has been involved with countless prostitutes and one-night stands. His two ex-wives and most of his past girlfriends have been sleaszy, vulgar women who allowed him to take nude photographs and were involved in group sex. I told Tom that I could never debase and degrade myself that way.

I feel uncomfortable when I am introduced to Tom’s friends because I imagine they are thinking that I am just like his previous female acquaintances. Tom understands how I feel. He tells me he loves me and it as taken a long time for him to grow up. He has been faithful to me, and his youth is long past, but I have heard that when people conform to such a decadent lifestyle, it begins to seem ordinary.

The truth is, Tom’s inferior past grates on me. I am not a prude, Annie, but how can people live in such sexual squalor? Do you consider this deviant behavior, or am I out of step? Louisiana Lady

Dear Louisiana:
It may not be deviant, but it is certainly on the dissolute end of normal. That is beside the point. You have been with Tom for three years. Surely by now you know his character and if he is trustworthy. The real decision is whether or not you can forgive his past and live with the idea that other people may get the wrong impression of you.

The latter you can overcome by continuing to set a refined example. The former we cannot help you with. Only you can choose to forgive.

Dear Deanna!
I’m in a five-year relationship with a man who’s not my cup of tea. I discovered he has some bad habits.

He kept these things hidden to impress me but I asked him to leave when I saw the real man. The police say as long as he pays bills and isn’t physically abusive, they can’t make him leave my home.

He’s come a long way but I don’t love him and honestly I never did. I’ve been up front and very honest with him. What can I do? Desperate, Oklahoma City, OK

Dear Desperate:
You can pack your bags and leave or pack his and put him out. If it’s your house with your name on it, then you do as you please.

However, your man may react and get violent. If that’s the case, sell your house, move and start a new life. If he can’t accept your honesty, lack of love and wishes, then you’re entitled to handle your business

Dear Annie:
"Seattle Grandmother" was concerned about an adult man who liked to play with little kids. After years of marriage and three beautiful little girls, I grew suspicious of my father in law's obsession with children. I found stashes of toys in his room. Once, I let him baby sit while I went to the grocery store and came home to find my little darlings sitting on the couch with Grandpa, watching porn.

My husband didn't take my concerns seriously, so I packed up my kids and left. The next 18 years were tough. I had to deal with anger and denial from my two eldest daughters, who remembered Grandpa's lovely house and whose father told them after every visit that I broke up our family.

Last year, my ex-husband told our grown daughters that he discovered Grandpa was a convicted child molester and admitted I had done the right thing by leaving. I am happy my girls know the truth, but I feel sad for my ex, as this destroyed his family. The grandparents near 90, no longer see their children or grandchildren. Grandma is despiesed as well, for she kept his dirty little secret.

Remember that the voice in your head is there for a reason. Listen to it. Gut Instinct

Dear Instinct:
It's too bad it took your ex so long to uncover the truth, but the vindication must be a relief to you.

Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today

Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611

Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com