Commitment

Commitment
Article: Commitment
Chapter from Research before Romance (Commitment)

Research before Romance-Commitment by: T. L. Moss

Does he/she really want to be with you? They say they do, but what do their actions tell you? After all, we've all heard the clique, 'actions speak louder than words'.

They're not around when you need them, or hestiate when you ask about 'us'. You're supposed to be in a 'relationship' yet your significant other, doesn't seem to be as commited as you.

You're scheduled to go out at 8 but they don't show up until 9, or not at all. And they always have a poor excuse, that you seem to accept everytime, when you know you shouldn't.

If I really want to be with someone, I'm going to do everything I can to make that person feel like we are a couple, I'm also going to do things that show that I respect him.

I don't do science fiction, and I won't sit and watch sports for hours, I'm just not interested, however if it's something that my significant other enjoys, I'll make it a point to participate or compromise.

Dating a man who has expressed on numerous occasions that he likes 'big girls', leaves me with information that I can't work with. I need to focus my attention on someone who likes slender women with long legs and a flat stomach. I have no intention of gaining 70 pounds to please anyone.

That ex is now married to a size 24, and very happy, I'm still a size 7 single and very happy.

I had a friend who was a burnette, and all 3 of her former lovers told her they preferred blonds, and no she didn't need to dye her hair, because they'd all know that she wasn't a 'natural'. One guy said she was too flat chested, so she borrowed some money, and got implants, then he dumped her because of her freckles, which you could hardly see.

What did she look like?, a prettier version of Lindsey Lohan.

So what does being commited really mean? Women who have 2, 3, 4, children with a man, live with him, treat him like the man of the house, sacrifice for him, give him whatever he asks for, and yet she isn't the woman he wants to marry. I've seen the same scenario play out, and as an outsider, I'm looking at this 'man' and wondering why this woman finds him so appealing. He barely works, doesn't help with the children, doesn't help around the house inside or out, and is trully no prize to look at. Yet, she wants him to commit to her.

It's common knowledge. If he hasn't asked you, then he probably won't. And if she/he ummms around whenever YOU bring up the subject, you are simply not the one. Move on with your life, and stop wasting your time.

I met a woman a couple of years ago, who was doing some volunteer work at the agency that I worked for. We went on alot of smoke breaks together, and I found out that she was recovering from a 25 year relationship. They had lived together the entire time. He worked for the city, she was a homemaker. She made sure his meals were cooked when he came home, his laundry was washed, and his bed was warm at night.

One day he came home, and asked her to leave, it was his house,and her name wasn't on the deed.
He married another woman less than a month later. Was she hurt yes, was she mad yes, at herself for wasting her life on a man, who had made it clear to her, he didn't want to commit to her.

If your significant other tells you on more than one occasion that they don't want to marry you, you are foolish to bring children into the world with this person. It won't change his mind, and if you do trap him/her with this method, more than likely, it won't be a happy ending.

Another acquaintance had spent years focusing her attention on a man, who didn't even have the decent forethought to put her name on his will before he died. His body wasn't even cold before his children who never cared for her, told her to pack up and get out.

If you know that you are literally bending over backwards to make this person happy, and they aren't giving back, you really need to do more than pray things will change. Start putting your life in order, or you will find yourself out in the cold.

Research before Romance-Commitment
Supportive Boyfriend
Snooper Finds Engagement Ring
Not Appreciated
His Busy Schedule
Are you Ready Yet?
Breakup to Makeup
Greg I Get It!
He Doesn't Want to Marry
It's So Simple
Woman Has Choices
I'm Ready Now
Time Limit to Propose
Too Picky
He's Not Divorced Yet
Content Just Living Together
When I Knew
Conflict over Marriage
Triangle
He's Never Been Married
Mom Frustrated with Live In Situation
Man Can't Commit to Girlfriend
It's Been 4 Years....
Don't Say It, If you Don't Mean It
Tired of Waiting
It's Been 9 Years
He's Never Said I LoveYou
13 Years of Dating
Wife wants a Family
Husband's Social Life Disturbing


Q: I am a survivor of ovarian cancer. Luckily for me, my boyfriend has been a rock, sticking with me through illness, panic attacks, what have you. And believe it or not, that's my problem. I can't help thinking he might eventually regret taking on a woman who has so much baggage. Should I let him know my concerns? Confused

Dear Confused:
Why tell me? Tell him. Right now, you're letting your imagination run wild, tryng to solve problems that may never occur. That is crazy making. That's like stressing out about how you'll clean up after a tornado when the forecast calls for sunshine. Open up to Mr. Rock! Tell him your fears. Give him more credit for his consoling speeches. It just may be that you've found one of the good guys.

Dear Yo:
I have a huge dilemma. Snooping through my boyfriend's things while staying at his apartment last week, I found a gift box that looked like maybe a ring was inside. We have been dating for like two years now, but we have never discussed marriage, so I was completely shocked and a little excited at the same time. Being nosey and trying to see how nice the ring was, I carefully opened the wrapping and opened the box and inside was a beautiful princess cut diamond ring with a message folded inside. It said "Julia, after all the time we have shared, I feel it is time to take things to the next level. Will you marry me?" Was this some kind of joke? 'Cause my name ain't Julia! Of course I confronted him. He says that he put the note in there to teach me a lesson because he knows that I snoop. And if I found the ring addresses to someone else, it would show me that "when you are looking for something, you will find it." Well I don't believe him. I think he got busted and was just quick on his feet. I almost feel like it is someone else's ring. Yo, what do you think?
Snooped and Duped?

Yo Snooped and Duped:
Well you know your man much better than I, so you would know if he has had the time to coordinate another relationship. As far as the snooping thing goes, obviously you have some trust issues with him, or you wouldn't be going through his things. Maybe you are not a good snooper, and he did want to teach you a lesson. If this is true, he got you good, didn't he?

Did you learn anything? If he is giving you the ring, then obviously it was for you, so take it. I'm sure if he was about to propose marriage to somebody else, your finding the ring would have been a perfect opportunity to break things off with you. Before getting married though, you may want some couple's counseling so that you can work out "your issues" before making a lifelong commitment to someone you don't trust and establish some boundaries. I am sure you wouldn't appreciate him going through your things either.

Dear Greg:
My boyfriend is selfish. He says he loves me, and he does include me in his life; we are close to each other’s families and he is a very good man in many ways. But we have been living together for four years and he never shares household responsibilities, doesn’t put any effort into going on nice dates with me, doesn’t make a big deal about my birthday, never brings me flowers, won’t walk the dog, rarely compliments me, doesn’t thank me when I make a nice dinner for him and his friends, isn’t that affectionate, and doesn’t want to go on nice vacations with me. We talk about it all the time and he swears that he’s trying to change, but his changes are pretty imperceptible.

The question is, can he really love me as much as he says he does, and he this much of a dick! Paula

Dear A dick-ded:
You’ve got to be kidding me. Take your letter, hold it up and read it to yourself and a friend. If you can’t figure out the answer, call the cops, because someone’s had their brains stolen.

P.S. The answer to your question is no. People who are in love with each other generally try to be nice. Some even get a kick out of treating their mate well and trying to make their life better. He may think he loves you, and maybe he does. Be he’s really bad at it. And it’s exactly the same result as if he was just not that into you.

Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you’re with is a big, selfish jerk. Chances are Jerk Boy has been trying to show you who he is since day one.

Dear Yo:
I was interested in this guy. He had everything I was looking for in a mate except for his busy schedule. I don't think I came off to strong, but I did cook and took him some lunch at his job. He kept saying how he enjoyed my cooking and wished I would have brought more. I offered him lunch a couple of days after that, and he didn't respond. It went from us talking like every day to not talking at all. I sent him a text asking if we were still friends. He replied that we were, but he couldn't give me what I was looking for. WHAT?? I never told this guy that I wanted to marry him. I just was being nice, and I like to cook. I offered him lunch, and he took it somewhere else. Well to make a long story short. I stopped calling him and a couple of weeks later he text me saying that he apologizes, and that I am really a nice person and he wanted to continue where we left off. Should I consider talking back to him or should I just let it go because of his immaturity?
I Only Cook 4U

If I were you, I wouldn't even bother putting in the time to talk to him again. I don't believe that you bringing him a meal to his job made him feel like you wanted "more". Had you two even discussed what you werer looking for? If such a small gesture did scare him off, then you don't want him anyway. What did he want, just a booty call? I have to speculate, but I would be willing to put money on it that he probably already has someone in his life. A busy schedule is a red flag to me. But even more so, being so wishy washy, one minute he can't give you what you were looking for and the next you are a nice person, and he wants to pick up where you left off. Leave him right where you left off.....him not being able to give you what you want. You need a man who can.

Dear Greg:
I’ve been dating a guy since I was twenty-three. I’m twenty eight now. We started talking about marriage two years ago, and he said he wasn’t ready. So we moved in together to help him get “ready”. We talked about it recently and he said that he still wasn’t ready. He reminded me that we’re young and we still have a lot to time and there’s no need to rush. In a way, he’s right.

I’m only twenty-eight and people get married much later these days. And sometimes it takes longer for guys to grow up than girls. So I want to be understanding, but I’m just not sure how long I’m supposed to wait. Does he need more time or is he just not that into marrying me? Danielle

Dear Waiting at the Altar:
He’s right. Why rush? It’s only been five years. He’s going to know you so much better after ten. And you have all the time in the world, right? You know, in case after ten years he decides he’s still not ready. I hate to tell you this, but here’s why he feels rushed: He’s still not sure you’re the one. Yep, my lovely, I know it’s hard to hear, but better to hear it now than ten years from now. So you can stay with him and continue to audition for the part of the lucky wife, or you can go find someone who doesn’t need a decade or two to realize you’re the best thing that ever happened to him.

Dear Greg:
I have a boyfriend who keeps breaking up with me. He also keeps calling me and begging me to get back together with him, each time telling me that he misses me so much and has made a terrible mistake. He’s done this three times now, every six months. I hate it, but I keep taking him back because I love him. I keep telling myself that he must be really into me, if he keeps coming back-right? Christina

Dear Yo-Yo Champion:
Funny how you notice how many times your dudes comes crawling back to you, while I notice how many times he’s told you that he doesn’t even want to see you ever again. For both of us the number is three, but I’ll put money down that the breakup count isn’t over yet. Because sadly this is what that guy is doing during your relationship recess: He’s sniffing around for something better, and when he doesn’t find it, he gets lonely and comes “home”. It’s not that he’s so into you. Its’ that he so not into being alone. Don’t give him the chance to break up with you for the fourth time. (God, even the idea of it sounds beneath you, doesn’t it?) Reset your breakup maximum to one and move on.
Greg, I Get It! Sandy age 33
I was dating this guy for a year and a half. We’d had a few conversations about marriage. One day I realized that all the conversations we’d had about marriage were started by me. “Sure”, he always replied “you are my soul mate. I’m so passionate about you. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone, blah, blah, blah.” When I’d asked him flat out, “Don’t you want to marry me?” he’d say, “Yeah, I would like to.” Then it dawned on me-I had never heard the words “I want to marry you” come out of his mouth. Literally, the day I had this revelation, I dumped him. Needless to say, I’m so much happier now dating guys who in the first week say, “Wow, I can’t believe you’re not married. You’re great.”

Dear Greg:
I’m thirty-three and have been living with a guy for two years. We are in love, he’s great to me, and we get along perfectly. He has no problems committing to me-he just doesn’t want to get married. He married young and got divorced young. He says he doesn’t want to ruin a good thing. It seems insane of me to break up with him because he doesn’t want to get married. We are sharing a life together and are very happy. He’s even open to having kids. He just doesn’t want to get married. In this case, I don’t think he just not into me. I think he’s just not that into marriage. Lindsey

Dear Common Law Lady:
Okay, this may be controversial, but I’m going to say it. No matter how traumatic a divorce was (and I know they can be traumatic in epic proportions), the person you plan on spending your life and having children with should love you enough to get over it if getting married is important to you. Only you can decide if marriage is a deal breaker for you. I can’t tell you if it’s worth breaking up with him if you’re happy and have a nice life together. That’s for you to decide. I have never been divorced, I’ll give you that, but I’d marry my wife in every time zone if that’s what she wanted. In my very conventional opinion. I believe one foot in is the same as one foot out.
It’s so simple!
What’s the big, nasty, awful shame, ladies? It’s okay to want to get married. And it’s okay to ask someone if they see themselves being married, of if they see themselves being married to you. Let me remind you: There are many men out there who want to be and are getting married; that’s why there’s so many florists, priests, and taffeta-makers out there.

P.S.: Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you.

If you don’t believe Greg
100% of the guys polled told us they would have no problem marrying a woman who they were positive was the love of their life. One man answered, “What kind of knucklehead has a problem marrying the love of his life?”

Dear Deanna!
I have to choose who I want to marry. I have a childhood friend that would love to be with me, but I don’t feel any fireworks for him.

I really want to marry my ex-boyfriend but I know he would only marry me for stability since he has a history of unemployment. I am so anxious to become a married woman but I’m having a tough time with this decision.

Neither man has expressed this interest so I will be the one proposing. Who do I choose?
Marriage Confusion, On-Line Reader

Dear Confusion:
You are missing the major dynamics of marriage such as a mutual agreement and of course, a loving committed relationship. This is a union from God and not to be taken lightly or as a game.

Your childhood friend doesn’t deserve heartbreak and your ex-boyfriend would use you. You deserve better and should invest time in building a loving relationship with someone that has love, trust, respect and a joint decision for commitment and matrimony.

Dear Deanna!
I wasn’t ready for commitment so I broke up with my ex-girlfriend two years ago. I did a lot of soul searching, working on my flaws and self improvement. I miss my old relationship and want a second chance. The only problem is the fact she’s with someone else.

I want to propose and give her a diamond ring. Am I making a mistake of should I take the risk and see what happens? Johnathon

Dear Johnathon:
Regardless of all the work you’ve done and the changes you’ve made, this doesn’t matter if your ex-girlfriend is on a different page.

She’s done some changing of her own during your separation and, like you; she’s not the same person.If she’s with someone else, you should mind your business and don’t go around causing problems.

She hasn’t given you any indicators of interest because she has a relationship. Don’t buy a ring, save your money and keep it moving.

Dear Carolyn:
My girlfriend basically has told me I have a year, then she expects to get engage. We have been together about two years. I am in my mid 20s, and I don’t want to get married until 30 at least. She is great, I love her, but I am not sure she is a person I could spend the rest of my life with. HELP. I have tried explaining that I am not ready to think about that, but she doesn’t seem to care.-A

She sounds like a keeper.
But I’ll give her this---she’s clear about what she wants. Please return the favor: “ I don’t want to get married until 30 at least. You are great, I love you, but I will not be proposing to you in a year. I’m sorry” If you suspect you never will, time to set her free.

Dear Deanna!I have the tendency to ruin every good relationship that I enter. I get to the point where I really like the guy lot and then I start finding things that annoy me and eventually the relationship ends.

I don't know why I do this but as soon as things get serious I start to see all of his flaws, shortcomings and my pet peeves become stronger. I am single and I want to be in a committed relationship but I can't find a man good enough to be with. What do Ido? E.C. Smith

Dear E.C. Smith:
You're single because you sabotage your relationships with nick picky foolishness. You don't know how to handle a serious relationship and this shouldd be communicated to the person you're dating.

Once you communicate your fears, there's a possibility you can work through these things together and you may find yourself with the love of your life. As for a man that's good enough, that's an excuse on your part and you need to get real with yourself and handle your issues first before tossing stones that don't need to be tossed.

Dear Annie:
I have been in a realtionship with “Bryce” for almost eight years. When we met, we were both in unhappy marriages. Bryce helped me financially and emotionally with my divorce and also pulled me through the death of a beloved sister. He even purchased a house for my children and me to live in.

My divorce was finanlized four years ago.Bryce lives wih my now teenage children and me, and we all get along great. The problem is, Bryce refuses to introduce me to his family, all of whom live close by. He has a mother, brother, sister, and a daughter in her early 30's. He still is not divorced but keeps assuring me he will be “as soon as the smoke clears” with his famiy.

I'm beginning to think he is never going to completely share his life with me, as if he isn't certain I'm really what he wants. He assures me he loves me and that his living with me is proof, but it's just not enough. I want to have a normal relationship that involves both families combined. I want to spend holidays and special occasions together instead of apart. By the way, he has met all the members of my large family and they like him, but some are beginning to wonder if he's just jerking me around. Am I wasting my time here? Confused in N.Y.

Dear Confused:
It's obvious to use that Bryce's family strongly disapproves of his relationship with you. Either they have asked him not to bring you around, or he thinks they will give you a hard time and lacks the courage to stand up for you.

They also may believe he will not get a divorce as long as they keep you at a distance, and so far, they are right. This is what happens when you become involved with a married man, so decide what you are willing to settle for because this could be all there is.

Dear Annie:
I am 26, have two small children, and am involved with a terrific man who is 20 years older. I have been with "Chet" for two years and we recently moved in together. Chet treats me wonderfully and says he loves me, but he just ended his second marriage in order to be with me and has made it clear he never wants to get married again. He's quite content just to live together.

Is this fair to me, when I have never been married and want a wedding of my dreams and two more children? Do live-in relationships like this work out over the long haul? Am I being stupid to give up my dream, or should we end it now so I can find a man my own age who is willing to give it everything?

Will I regret the age difference in 10 years? I am so confused. Need Advice in Arizona

Dear Arizona:
We think you could use a little more time on your own, caring for yourself and your children, before committing to anyone. We don't know if living with Chet would be successful in the "long haul", but we do know if you are unhappy about major aspects of the relationship, it will create resentment and anger and things will not work out. If you want marriage and more children, find someone who wants that, too. It doesn't appear to be Chet.

“I knew Tony was serious about me after dating him for only two months. I had been staying at his house a lot, and one day, after getting out of the shower, I noticed a new purple robe on the towel rack. Purple happens to be my favorite color, and Tony's entire bathroom is white and black, so I was a bit confused. I asked Tony about it, and he said that he had bought it for me because he knew I was going to be around for a while. And he was right...we moved in together last month”.Randi 23

Dear Annie:
“Dennis” has been my boyfriend for over 10 years. We have lived together and apart, and the reason for the apart has been a conflict over marriage. I am 55 years old, he is 57, and we are both divorced. Over the years, I have brought up the subject of marriage three times and it has been the cause of a great debate each time, resulting in my moving out. We then get back together because we still care about each other.

I recently told Dennis how important marriage is to me. I understand it's just a piece of paper, but to me, it makes us a team. Just living together gives me a sense of impermanence.

I moved out after the last argument and Dennis has not called much. I am pretty sure he feels I am giving him an ultimatum, which I guess I am. Is there any happy medium for this sort of issue? Resentful

Dear Resentful:
Not really. Either you're married or you're not. Based on prior experience, Dennis believes you will come back even if he doesn't agree to marry you. So decide whether you want Dennis or that piece of paper, because it doesn't look as if you are going to have both.

Dear Annie:
I am a very active 65 year old widower and have found a 60 year old lady with whom I want to spend my life. There is one problem. “Shirley” has a male friend (no sex involved) whom she sees for dinner once in a while, and who has always helped her around the house. They also have gone on trips as “just friends”.

Shirley has told this man that she has chosen me, and now, after five years, he says he can't let her go. He never told her he loved her until I came into the picture. Now he says he can't live without her and cries. Shirley cannot stand to see him this way, so she has asked me to wait until she can make him understand there's nothing more than friendship from her end.

Shirley tells me she loves me, and I love her, but she says if he did something to hurt himself, she couldn't live with it. Should I have to wait around for her to talk her way out of this mess? He will not take no for an answer. Need Helped

Dear Need Help:
If Shirley is serious about choosing you, she must findd a way to disentangle herself from the control freak who won't let go. If he wanted a more intimate relationship, he would have taken steps in that direction long ago. Now he is manipulating her emotions and doing a good job of it. Shirley is not responsible for her friend's behavior. Give her one month to work this out, and if she still won't leave him, walk away. It means she has chosen him over you.

Dear Carolyn:
I'm a 44 year old divorced woman looking for a committed relationship and I want to get remarried. I've had a few fun dates with a 48 year old never married man. We've not yet talked about previous relationships or goals in our relationship. We've all been warned to be leery of never married men; it's likely they never will get married-right?

What are your thoughts on the matter? As I move forward in the relationship what are some questions I might ask of him to learn whether he is truly open to commitments or if I'm just wasting my time? D

The never marrieds are a bad risk because they will never commit, yes, I've heard that.

Remember, too, that divorced people will commit-but then they'll bolt. And of course widows and widowers will always remain devoted, on some level, to the departed, whom you can never hope to replace.

I hardly need mention the ones who are dating you while they're still married, but I will anyway; you can never trust them not to cheat on you the way they did on your predecessor.

I'm not sure if the spouses of alien abductees are considered married or a category all their own, but, either way, they'll just be up all night checking the foil on the roof.

And don't get me started on the marriage or bust crew.

By my count, that just about rules out dating another human being.

If you're at peace with the idea that a certain level of risk is inevitable, though, then there are arguments to be made for and against just about anyone in any of these categories. That's why the most important questions you can ask this man are the ones that help you get to know the one you're dating, as a person (as opposed to a spouse by numbers). Find out who he is, what he stands for and whether you'd ever commit to him.

Single mom frustrated with relationship
Dear Annie:
I am a faithful reader and love your matter of fact approach, which is why I am writing.

I am a 40 year old single mom. I work part time and am nearly finished with my college education. I am in love with “Michael”. We have been living together for a year, and he is a great deal of help with my children.

Michael pays the majority of the bills with no complaints. He is a very successful businessman, extremely generous to my children, and he dotes on me. My problem is, Michael never wants to get married. He is content with the way our relationship is now. We have had the conversation about marriage several times, but I always end up frustrated and upset.

We have both been married before. Michael always knew my intentions were to be in a stable relationship that would end in marriage. Knowing this, he still maintains a relationship with me.

I know Michael loves me tremendously, as I do him. What now? Should I sacrifice my happiness and continue this near-perfect relationship, or should I give him an ultimatum?
Driving the Wrong Way on a One-Way Street

Dear Wrong Way:
The problem with ultimatums is that you must be prepared to follow through. Michael has what he wants from this relationship. An ultimatum could get him to commit, but he’s just as likely to leave. The questions you need to ask yourself are, one, if the situations stays the same, will you be increasingly unhappy and resentful? And two, if he leaves, how much will you regret it? If you are willing to live without him, an ultimatum will certainly clarify your next step.

Dear Annie:
Last night, my partner and I had a deep conversation and discovered we have a problem. We’ve been together nearly a year, and although we haven’t talked about marriage, she wants me to guarantee a long-term commitment to her. I can’t do that, because you never know what will happen down the road.
I love her with all my heart and soul. I know she is upset that I don’t believe in guarantees, but she can’t come to terms with my point of view. It isn’t that I’m having second thoughts or anything like that. I am totally faithful. She just wants something I can’t deliver now.

I don’t know what to do. We have never fought before. I hope you can help me.
Stuck Between a Rock and a Hard Place

Dear Stuck:
You shouldn’t be forced into a commitment you are not ready for, but we have to ask- if you love her, are totally faithful, and have been together nearly a year, why are you so reluctant to commit? What do you think is “down the road”? Someone better? Commitment always requires a leap of faith. We think you should examine your concerns more thoroughly, so you can better understand your motives.

Carolyn:
How much truth is there to the “If he hasn’t married you by now, he never will” scenario? It has been over four years and we are both over 30 D.C.

I don’t know, because I don’t know either of you, and the only quantity of truth that matters is your own. But I do know that you will know exactly how much truth you’re staring at when you remind yourself that you’re not an adolescent, and therefore can admit to yourself everything you already know but would rather not; and gather up whatever questions, and whatever spine, you have left, and ask him yourself. Including
“Will you marry me”? If that’s still what you want to know.

Never say ‘I love you’ if you don’t really mean it
Q:I’ve been going out with a really nice girl for two months now. We get along and I really like her, but I’m still not sure she’s the one for me. Lately, she’s started to say “I love you” when we part or finish a phone conversation, and it kills me to see or imagine her expression when I say nothing in return.

While I am very fond of her, I don’t know if I really love her and don’t want to lie or mislead her. Is there a graceful way to deal with this problem? D.G. Pittsburgh, PA

A:I think your behavior is first class. After two months there is NO need to be declaring undying love and devotion. Those three magic words should come naturally over time and not be forced by a partner. Tell her honestly how you feel- that you’re fond of her and someday may feel comfortable shouting your love for her from the rooftops. But right now the relationship is too new and untested to make an “I love you” commitment. I’m sure she’ll understand. If she’s smart, she’ll give you some breathing room. Hopefully, she’ll understand that your strong moral code is a more vital part of a relationship than you uttering those special-but often abused-words.

Dear Deanna!
My boyfriend hasn't proposed to me yet and I'm tired of waiting. We've been together for five years and have two kids together.

I cook, clean, and sacrifice for him and feel I should have the title of wife. I know he has commitment issues, but is it wrong for me to set an ultimatum? Vita Jones Queens New York

Dear Vita:
God didn't put you here to wear the title of "Miss Fool". You should've given your ultimatum before your first child was born. If he hasn't proposed by now, Valentine's Day won't make a difference.

Make your commitment desires known and stress the importance of setting a manly example for his kids. If he doesn't do the right thing after two kids, you're stuck in fornication and only you can decide to stay or set yourself free.

After nine years, it’s time to do right by her
Dear Deanna:
If a relationship is doing well and things are fine without marriage, why do women complain?

I’ve been with my girlfriend for nine years and sometimes she rants about being legal and having a piece of paper justify our relationship. I feel it won’t make any difference because we have love and neither one of us is going anywhere. Ronnie Beaumont, TX

Dear Ronnie:
So you want to sacrifice salvation for physical comfort? True, your courtship lasted longer than most marriages. If you love the relationship you should do the right thing and not fornicate by living the shacking lifestyle. Marriage will change things because you will have the true blessing of God over your relationship as well as many marriage perks and benefits. After nine years, quit playing and do the right thing.

Dear Deanna!
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a while. He has never told me that he loves me and it’s bothering me.

I express my feelings all the time and he responds with remarks such as “I know” or he’ll say “okay”. This is causing arguments because I want him to say certain things to me but he won’t do it.

He feels I should rely on his actions but I also need to hear his love here and there. How do I keep this from becoming an issue in this relationship? Need Love

Dear Need Love:
If your boyfriend isn’t a verbal guy, then you should indeed, observe his actions. If he is consistent, respectful, considerate and faithful, you shouldn’t complain.

It won’t hurt to ask him why he refuses to share his love verbally. While you’re having this discussion, let him know why you need his verbal expressions and how it would make you feel.

At the end of the day, be wise and appreciate what you have and don’t ruin things with something this simple.

Dear Annie:
I have been dating “Chris” for 13 years. He is a wonderful man and a hard worker and does not take drugs, womanize, gamble, or drink to excess. He is very good to me and always has been great with my children, who are grown and living on their own. Chris and I speak every night on the phone, spend every weekend together, and take many vacations as a couple.

The problem is, I am now 46 years old and want to make more permanent plans. Chris, however, does not want to live together or get married. He is extremely noncommittal. It took him a decade just to tell me he loved me. I am so tired of packing and unpacking clothes for the weekend. When asked about the future, he says he “never thinks that far ahead”. He was married once, briefly, about 25 years ago. It was a pretty ugly break up.
I love him very much, but lately I’m thinking maybe I should move on. The thought of dating again terrifies me. But, being alone when I’m 80 terrifies me more. Please give me some advice. 40 plus tax

Dear 40 Plus:
Face it. After 13 years, Chris is not going to commit more than he already has. Dating may be terrifying, but marriage is no guarantee that you won’t be alone at 80. Spouses die. Spouses leave. You cannot depend on someone else to provide your future security. If this relationship is unsatisfying and you are determined to get married, you will have to look for someone else.

Workaholic's Wife wants a Family
January 6, 2009 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I have been married for three years to a wonderful man. He is gentle,thoughtful, and works very hard. Let me clarify that: He will stay up until 2 or 3 am. come to bed, and be up at 7am for work. Last Friday, he stayed up until 6am working on a computer problem for the church, then was up three hours later.

Some once insinuated that maybe he isn't working all this time, but let me assure you, he is. He leaves his office door open, and I can walk in any time and find him hunched over a problem, oblivious to the world.

My husband has a fabulous income and has given me the opportunity to develop a small business. I'm not ungrateful. But I would like to have a baby. I come from a big loving family and am almost 30. My husband wants to wait. He says he's "too busy" to be a father right now. Annie, he will always be busy. He is a workaholic and likes it that way.

Twice in the past two years he has given me a date when we would start trying for a family. Both times he reneged. There is almost no hope of an "accident", because he is militaristic in his use of birth control.

I have tried every tactic I can think of, from citing medical references about why it is healthier to start sooner rather than later to not talking about it at all. I'm at a loss. My bio-clock is ticking so loudly I can hardly hear anything else.

When we were dating, he assured me he wanted children. I've been in counseling for a year for depression. Please help me. Barren in Boise

Dear Boise:
Your workaholic husband isn't interested in changing his routine, but he owes it to you to keep his promises. Your biological clock should tick for a while longer, so don't panic, but if he refuses to make a sincere commitment to starting a family, insist that he get counseling with you. (And we hope you're prepared to raise those children alone, because he will always be at work.)

Husband's social life is out of line
January 12, 2009 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I have been married to my high-school sweetheart for seven years. I believe he is faithful, but something has been troubling me a lot. Whenever he goes away for a weekend with his friends, he meets girls at the bar and talks to them. I could live with that, but what bothers me is they exchange contact information, become Facebook friends, and stay in touch. I have explained to him that this upsets me, but he continues to do it. Am I out of line for worrying? Disturbed in Canada

Dear Canada:
No, dear, your lines are fine. A married man should not be meeting women in bars and taking them down their phone numbers, e-mail addresses, or anything else. Unless he brings them home and introduces them to you, he has no business getting so friendly. The fact that he knows it upsets you yet continues to do it indicates he has no respect for your feelings. Get some marriage counseling---with or without him.

Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today

Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611

Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com