Adultery

Adultery
Article: Adultery
Article: Am I in a Love Triangle?
Chapter from Research before Romance (Adultery)

Research before Romance-Adultery by: T. L. Moss

A cheater will break your heart, and your bank account if you allow it. Men or women who have to pay child support, tend to associate themselves with someone who will contribute to their survival.

If you ask around before you get involved with an individual, you'll find out if he or she has a history of cheating on their significant other. I find it sad, that in many situations, women/men tend to ignore what they hear, and most think "oh he/she won't cheat on me".

Look, if it can happen to women like Halle Berry, Christy Brinkley, Jennifer Aniston, and Vanessa Williams it can happen to you.

I dated a man years ago who was a notorious cheater, he had numerous children, with numerous women, something I didn't know. I think I knew about one child not 4. And as could be expected, he cheated on me.

When I noticed how he looked at my adult daughter, and the teenage daughter of an acquaintance, I started planning my exit. He was also disrespectful of my feelings. He didn't care that his staring at other women, was disrespectful.

But, I do know, one way of knowing that your significant other is a cheater, watch the company he/she keeps. Wolves surround themselves with other wolves. And if you suspect it, uhhh, it's probably true.

What's so disturbing about this type of individual (the cheater) is that they usually are not remorseful. And
the old clique is true, once a cheater, always a cheater. Don't ever think your special, because there are probably dozens of women before you, who thought the same thing.

Years ago, I dated several men, one morning, I got a phone call from a woman who didn't mince words. " I believe your seeing my husband, and if I catch you with him, I'm going to kill you" and she hung up.

I didn't know who she was talking about, but I promptly dumped everyone that I was seeing.

Weeks later the headlines read: Husband kills wife's lover in their bedroom.

It seems the woman who had called me, was caught in bed with her lover, by one of the men I had been seeing. The husband was sentenced to 8 years I think it was.Years later, I saw him on one of trips home, I waved and kept going. Now that I look back, there were a lot of signs that he was married, but, being 'uneducated' in life, I just didn't know.

I dated a man who had a best friend that we partied with quite often. I know about the beware of the company he keeps, because I saw it with my own eyes. His best friend was dating a wonderful woman, at least that's what I thought, but several times when we went to visit, he was entertaining someone else. So, it occurred to me that when I wasn't with my friend, he was probably over there with someone else too.

It wasn't until I was talking to the 'wonderful woman' and she asked me who her man was with, while I was over there, that I realized I didn't really want to play that game. I didn't say yes, and I didn't say no.
In the back of my mind, I knew she was probably sitting in their company, when my significant other was there with someone else.

I often wonder about the Maury show, I used to think he exploited his guests, but then watching it, I understand why it's so popular.

The most memorable show was the one where the wife is with her husband to support an allegation that he was the father of another woman's child. When it was announced that he was indeed the father, he shrugged and accepted responsibility. He also told the world that this was his 26th child!
This was news to his wife.

A cheater who has children born before, and during your relationship, and is forced to contribute to that child's financial welfare, takes several things from you and your children. Money and Time, plus you may be required to bring this child into your home, and deal with the child's mother who is resentful that she is not in your position. It's just not worth the drama, but if you don't have a problem with picking up the pieces of a cheater, and paying for his mistakes, a prayer goes out there for you, you are a doormat, and you know it.

Research before Romance-Am I in a Love Triangle? by T. L. Moss

It was love at first sight, or that's what your significant other said anyway, and you want to believe that the feelings that are pumping through your veins are the real thing.

You believe that it's so special, that you don't bother to ask the questions you need too, until it's too late.

So what's wrong with the red flags that keep popping up everytime your'e with your new lover? Are you sure this person is telling you the truth?

He/she gives you a phone number, which is actually a beeper or voicemail that doesn't ring, and you later discover that there's something odd about the return calls.

You can never reach him/her when you really need to talk, and there's always a lame excuse, why they couldn't see you on your birthday, a special holiday or any other event you want an escort.

The sex is awesome, but afterwards, there's never any real cuddle time, because he/she isn't really "into that kinda stuff" or he/she has to go. "Got to get up early in the morning" blahblahblah.

During your "sessions" they don't want you leaving any marks i.e. hickies, or scratches on their backs.

You never go out---and if you do, it's an out of the way place, or they tell you they just want to stay in, and order take out. Do you really believe he/she is a homebody?

His/her friends tend to be accommodating at their apartment/home, they are always 'hosting' your significant other's outings with you. Don't you ever wonder why you've never been to his/her's place?

Unless you know your'e on the back burner, and that's okay with you, this information isn't for you. However, if you aren't sure, and you haven't asked the right questions, or he/she avoids answering.

Are you the other woman/man? or don't you care to know the answer? There are several ways to find out whether or not you are simply a 'plaything' if you really want to know. Take care of yourself, before you get too emotionally involved, or worst yet, become involved in a triangle.

Research before Romance-Adultery
Whack!
What do you do if....
I don't want to be your Alibi
Should you say Something?
Friend reconciling with her Ex
Friends should Intervene
Legal Questions & Answers
Cheating Devastates Wife
Husband continues Cheating
Tired of Being Hurt
Why Men Cheat
Male Call
8 Years of Pretending
Wife sits in Front Seat
Woman Reveals HIV Status
Men Explain Why they Cheat
Engaged Man Cheats
Wife Leaves after 20 Years
Newspaper Stories
Greg I Get It!
It's so Simple
My Father the Homewrecker
We Forgive our Son in Law
Mother Isn't Forgiving of SIL's Cheating
Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater
Serial Cheater
I Can't Forgive Him
Should I Leave Him
Executive Cheater
Children Produced During Affair
Wife Slaps Mistress
Online Affairs
Husband Unforgiving of Wife's Affair
Staying until Child Finishes School
Husband Suspicious
Children and Divorce after Cheating
Cell Phone revealed All
Blood Type Raises Questions
Ex Realized 1 Son Isn't His

Whack! Right on the head with a rolled up magazine! "What was that for?" the husband shouts. "That," his wife says, "was for the piece of paper I found ----with the name Laurie Sue on it."

"But, dear," he says, "that was just the name of a horse I bet on when I went to the track." "Okay she says. " I'll let it go...this time."

Two weeks later---whack! "Now what?" he wails. "Your horse called." Submitted by: Jody L. Rohlena

What Do You Do If.....
Accessory to Infidelity?
Q: What do you do when someone asks you to cover for them?

A: It depends on the circumstances. There are a million shades of gray, and it's really up to you to figure out whether you feel compromised. If someone is cheating on her spouse all the time, I'd say, "You've got to cover for yourself." If, on the other hand, she was very unhappy and I felt that her husband was controlling, and I thought it could help her to go off and see what life is like someplace else, well, then I might be tempted to cover for her. Carolyne Roehm Etiquette Advisor

I don’t want to be Two-Timing Pal’s Alibi
Q: My best friend cheats on her husband and often asks me to cover for her. I always feel dirty and cheap doing this but don’t know how to tell her that I would prefer her to get another alibi.

Even though she is a good friend and I’ve known her forever, I’m not happy about how she is handling her life. But I don’t want to start preaching to her because I had a dark patch in my own life and she was there for me! Should I ply along and hope that she will settle down, or put my foot down once and for all?

A: Sorry, but this lady will never settle down. There will be this man, then the next, and the next, until she either gets a divorce or grows too old and decides to call it quits. Personally, I wouldn’t cover for anyone. But your situation is a bit different as you clearly feel hat you owe her. But no matter how supportive she was of you in the past, it still doesn’t give her the right to abuse your friendship now. Try sitting down with your friend and letting her know exactly how you feel. Her answer may convince you it’s simply time for you to find some new friends.

What to Tell the Mate of Someone Who's Playing Around
It's incredible the number of times I am asked in telephone calls on radio or TV talk shows, or in written questions (always anonymous) sent up at the conclusion of a lecture, "If you know your friend's husband or wife is committing adultery, do you let your friend know the bad news?"
I always answer, "In the first place, you have to be sure of that accusation, and that is difficult enough in itself. In the second place, let your friend find out some other way----not through you." That is the kind of accusation that you don't talk about to other people, either.

Friend reconciling with her ex
October 22, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
My friend "Beth" divorced her husband three years ago. The divorce was amicable. They had no children together, although Beth has a child from a previous marriage. Shortly after the divorce, I learned from a very reliable source that her ex had been having an affair with a co worker almost the entire time they had been married. I did not tell Beth this as they were already divorced and I didn't want to hurt her.

Recently, Beth has begun seeing her ex again, and I can tell by the way she talks about him that she has stars in her eyes and thinks this is leading to a reconciliation. But from what I hear, the ex is still involved with the co-worker.

Beth has a good job and makes terrific money. She also comes from a very well to do family. I think the ex sees dollar signs and realizes his standard of living would improve if he got back together with her.

Should I tell Beth what I know about the co worker or just keep my mouth shut? I am sure she will be upset that I didn't tellher about the affair two years ago, but at the time, I did not see the need since she had divorced the creep. Now I feel like I should fess up. With STDs being what they are, plus the fact that her child is involved in all this mess, I think she ought to know. I have seriously thought about an anonymous letter. What would you suggest? Torn by Friendship

Dear Torn:
Don't send an anonymous letter. It is both frightening and easy to discount the information. Talk to Beth. Tell her you know she still has feelings for her ex, but you heard he and a co worker had a thing going on and she might want to make certain he isn't still seeing the woman. Let her take it from there.
Close Friends Have a Duty to Intervene
Carolyn: What is the responsibility of adults who know of a divorced woman (DW) having an affair with a married man (MM) and also fooling around with other men, sometimes the same days?

DW is having a number of one night stands and continuing her affair with MM, who has hesitated in leaving his wife. People in the know are told to stay silent, even in this day of STDs and HIV. Simply put, someone could get killed.

What courtesy does MMs wife get? Should the people in the know continue their silence and hope for the best that MMs wife doesn't come down with a disease/infection from Dws selfish behavior? Moral Question

Not to blunt a good hysteria, but hasn't sex throughout history had the potential to get someone killed?

Sexually transmitted ailments are not a new development; HIV merely raised the stakes. I do agree that because of those raised stakes, silence is at best a problematic choice, and at worst lethal.

However, I don't believe HIV demands a blanket honor code, where everyone is duty-bound to tell everyone everything. There's still a place for knowing one's place.

The closer peopleare to the drama, the greater their obligation to intervene--wielding only the facts, as always. the DWs close friends, for example, need to call her out, the MMs close friends if they're stranding her in the dark. With rare exceptions, truth-telling is at its most effective when the truth comes from the person who knows you best.

That's hardly a perfect system, though. So to prevent herd paralysis, where everyone thinks everyone else has it covered, your "adults" need to ask themselves: "If it's not my place to say something, then whose place is it, and will those people come through as I hope they would come through for me."

Still imperfect, but it does introduce accountability---a powerful referee.

Q:Jean wants to get a no-fault divorce. Will her husband’s infidelity have an effect on the divorce proceedings?

A:It may. If Jean files for the divorce and her husband contests it, Jean may be required to give proof his infidelity in order to get the divorce. But if Jean and her husband agree to the divorce, his infidelity should have no effect on the divorce proceedings.

Q:I know of at least one instance when my husband was unfaithful. Is this enough grounds for a divorce?

A:Yes, if you live in a state that recognizes adultery as a ground fro divorce, as the majority of states does. At one time, some states allowed a husband to divorce his wife for just one adulterous act, while give a wife the right to divorce her husband only if he consistently engaged in a pattern of adultery. This is no longer the case. The states that recognize adultery as a ground for divorce require only one adulterous act, regardless of which spouse committed it.

However, whether a divorce will be granted also depends on your own behavior. If you condoned your husband’s actions by failing to raise the issue or by voluntarily resuming or continuing marital relations with him, your husband may be able to prevent the divorce by showing that you have forgiven him.

Husband's Cheating Devastates Woman
Dear Annie:
I've been married to "Kerry" for two years. I spend all my energy cleaning up after him. When I ask him to help out more, he'll comply by doing the dishes once. His negative attitude drains me of any desire to be intimate, so he has turned to Internet porn.

I recently discovered Kerry joined an adult Web site that lets you meet women. When I confronted him, he claimed it was just to look at the pictures they posted. Then, in his very next sentence, he said he'd like to start a family. We have discussed children before, and he's always been adamant that he wants to wait a few more years.

I think his sudden interest in kids was just to take the heat off. I am exhausted and depressed, and my self esteem is rock bottom. Any advice? Working Wife

Dear Working:
We agree that Kerry's blather about children is simply a way to distract you from his betrayal. If all he's interested in are pictures, there's no reason to access a site where he can meet women. He needs to regain your trust, and the best way is for both of you to go for counseling. Insist on it.

Husband continues to cheat on his wife
Dear Annie:
I've been married more than 15 years. My husband, "Bert" retired three years ago. Unhappy without a job, he finally found employment at a neighborhood chain store. It was then that my world turned into science fiction. Bert began having an affair with a co-worker. This devastated me. While I was trying to work through this heartache, he found yet another woman to play around with.

I finally couldn't take anymore and asked him to leave. He immediately moved in with his girlfriend. That lasted a year.

Bert did a lot of horrible things during this time, but I'll spare you the details. In the end, the girlfriend left him to find someone with more money, and Bert seemed to wake up and smell the roses. Thinking this was just a nightmare midlife crisis, I took him back.

Things were OK for about three months, until he began another affair. This one came with threats. Not only was he messing around, but I was told not to tell his boss or mention anything to the woman's longtime boyfriend (whom she still lives with) or I would "pay dearly".

Needless to say, I threw him out, but I have so much anger, heartbreak, and depression over this, His co-workers have no idea what is going on and treat him like gold, as if the separation were my fault. Should I spill the beans? Bert is 61 years old and carries an STD that he will have for the rest of his life. Actually, no I do feel better. Lost in Space

Dear Lost:
Bert may be going through a lengthy midlife crisis, but he is not trustworthy and you have no reason to let him back into your life. Talk to a lawyer so you can close that door, then please get some counseling to get your equilibrium back. When that happens, you will have no reason to care what his co-workers think.

Dear Yo:
My boyfriend is cheating on me, I just know it. I really don't have any evidence except a random phone number in his pocket and a phone record, but I just have that sense he is. I love him, and I really hurt. I tried to confront him about it 3 times, but he just brushes it off and tells me how much he loves me and takes me to the movies or buys me something.

Is that him just trying to cover something up? One day while I was riding down our street I saw his car parked in the back of someone's house. He claims it wasn't him, but I know his car and his license plate number. It was my golden opportunity to catch him in the act, and let it pass and then let him give me some lame excuse. I don't know what I should do, please help. Tired of Getting Hurt

Yo Tired of Getting Hurt:
One thing you should do is follow your gut instinct. One thing I have learned, is that if you are thinking it, then it is probably so. Women have been blessed with great intuition, but we often refuse to listen to it and instead listen to our hearts. You deserve better than playing sleuth in your relationship and spending all of your time trying to find out if he is cheating on you. If you can't trust him, you will never be happy. All you will do is keep spinning your wheels. I don't know, he could be a cheater, or you could just be insecure. If you have caught him cheating in the past, he probably is now. If taking you to the movies and buying you something is all he has to do to make up for it, then there is not much consequence in him doing it; so why would he stop? When you are truly tired of getting hurt, you will get out of the situation.

Dear Annie:
I read the responses to "DPN" who asked why men have affairs. I'm here to tell you it goes both ways. In the past 39 years, my husband has gained over 100 lbs. He thinks the television is his best friend. He is not interested in sex because of his size and medical problems. I have found myself attracted to men who think I'm interesting, smart and pretty. My affairs have caused problems in our marriage but have not encouraged my husband to drop a pound or read a book.

That column painted a bleak picture of women, but let's give men their due. They can be just as cold and distant. The Other Side

Dear Other Side:
True. And neither gender has a monopoly on being wrong.

Male Call
So long, Mr. Wrong! Michael Baisden shares inside secrets and obvious clues that we’re sometimes too love struck to spot.

On the jazzy track Mr. Wrong, sultry songstress Sade tells the story of a cold-hearted and manipulative man and the beautiful woman who is determined to change him. The song encourages the woman to stand strong and leave the no good cheater, but experience tells us that she’s probably still hanging in there, taking even more emotional abuse.

Now, this may not seem like the ideal topic for the romantic month of February. However, maybe, just maybe, this is the best time of all. Besides, many of you probably did not receive flowers or candy anyway. Men are notorious for breaking up with women before the holidays, especially Valentine’s Day.

Mr. Wrong is often a cheapskate who does not intend to spend his hard-earned money on red roses, poetic cards and boxes of chocolate. Nevertheless, his biggest fear has nothing to do with money. Valentine’s Day marks the unofficial holiday for women to take emotional inventory of their relationships. Many men, especially Mr. Wrong, will avoid being put on the spot during this sensitive period when an evening of passionate lovemaking can quickly turn into the Spanish Inquisition.

Women have been known to stop abruptly in the middle of the act and drop the bomb: “Where is this relationship going?” And the truthful and painful answer to that question is, “Nowhere!” Mr. Wrong is already at his destination.

The few women who eventually wake up, experience every emotion from depression to anger. Their first impulse is to blame the no-good man for deceiving them. Ultimately, the mature woman realizes that she has only herself to blame. Mr. Wrong was no rocket scientist with a genius IQ; neither was he James Bond 007 master of disguise. What he has, however, was a master of choice. Men with bad intentions (The Hunters, as I refer to them in my book Never Satisfied) have always been able to spot easy prey women with low self-esteem, financial problems, no associations with strong male figures, or, who are new to town.

Michael Baisden, who conducts popular seminars on relationships, is the author of Men Cry in the Dark and Never Satisfied: How and Why Men Cheat, both from Legacy Publishing

Men who are up to no good show five common characteristics: (Cheaters)

Keeps questionable company. Players run in packs. If your man has friends who are players, especially his best friend, nine times out of 10, so is he.

Inflexible. A woman should not have to beg her man to go to her family’s house for dinner or out to the movies.

Inaccessible. When your man cannot be reached for hours, something is wrong, especially if it’s 10 on Tuesday night.

Sexually inconsistent. A man who has several sex partners can unconsciously change the way he kisses and makes love. He’ll also come up with lame excuses for not being able to perform. And don’t be surprised if he calls out another woman’s name in bed.

Spiritually bankrupt. Praying with your partner over meals, before going to bed or simply to give thanks for another day is essential to building a strong relationship. Remember, a man who does not know God, believes he is God.

Has It Been Eight Years of Pretending?
Dear Gwendolyn:
One afternoon coming out of a grocery store, a beautiful red car pulled up, stopped and the driver asked, "Can I give you a ride?" I said, "No, I have a car, but it is rather far in the parking lot." I told him, "You can drive me to it, please."

We exchanged telephone numbers. We started dating and then after about six months he told me he was married, but that he didn't love his wife. He told me, I fell in love with you at first sight."

I was bothered, but I too felt something at first sight. Otherwise, I never get into a stranger's car. I thought by now he would have divorced his wife and married me. You see, that was eight years ago.

My question is why would his wife allow him to pretend that he loves her? She has to know he doesn’t. The feelings he has for me must show when he is around her.

Two months ago I needed help on my rent. Because his wife is getting the money, he couldn't help me. I had to move in with an elderly aunt.

Gwendolyn, how long do you think he will continue to pretend to his wife? Mary

Dear Mary:
Wow! Or should I say, "Bow-wow." Before discussing him or his wife, I want to focus on you. I am sorry to know that your financial situation does not afford rent to the point you had to move.

Give some real serious thought to your love life. Don't be so quick to think that you come before the wife. It is true, however, that often a man does not love his wife, but cares deeply for the mistress.

Let me tell you this: I want you to listen to Tina Turner's 1984 hit, "What's Love Got to Do With It"? There is an issue you are overlooking. It is difficult for a man to pretend to his wife.

Think about it. She lives with him. Therefore, she knows him. She sees his good days and bad days. However, when he comes to you, he will only come when he is in the best of moods.

A man will leave his wife, but will never leave his friend. That's marriage--where two people have bonded as best friends for life.

Mary, get out of this relationship no matter how much it hurts. For eight years he has not been pretending to his wife. The pretense has been to you.

Boyfriend's Wife Sits in Front Seat
Dear Gwendolyn:
I have been going with a married man for 26 years. His wife has no children. He says that is the only reason he is staying with her. Because she could not have children, he doesn't want to hurt her--wants to protect her feelings.

She thinks her husband and I are just long-time old schoolmates. Actually, as mentioned, we are lovers. I was once pregnant by him and he pushed me down a flight of stairs and I lost the baby. He said, "If I can't have children with my wife, then I won't have children."

However, I continued to date him.

My problem is: my car needs a new motor. I am without transportation and my boyfriend agreed to give me a ride to work. I accepted, but I think by now he should tell his wife about us and that she should be made to sit on the back seat while I sit next to him on the front seat. Gwendolyn, what do you think? Liz

Dear Liz:
I think you are crazy. Yes, you have a problem, but I think your problem is bigger than you realize. You have a mental problem.

Let me tell you this: You have invested 26 years (wow) into a man who stayed with his wife. I feel you may not be the only outside woman in his life. Think about it. Married men who court often have woman on every block and even one across the street.

My advice to you is to forget about those 26 years and leave this relationship. You are coming out of this with nothing---not even a new set of bed sheets, nothing. As to not wanting to sit in the back, you might as well. You are not wanted in the front.

Liz, move on with your life. As for transportation to work, ride the bus or walk.

Local Woman Reveals Her HIV Status
Midwest Urban Newspaper September 16, 2008
Midwest Urban asked, "Have you ever suspected any guys in your relationships to be promiscuous?" Ms. Hamilton replied, "Definitely I can say yes...You know as a woman, I have forgiven....

In relationships, we forgive our men for cheating, and you know, we look beyond that because maybe it's something within ourselves that we are not secure about. So therefore, we always forgive."

Midwest Urban asked "Give us an example of how you may have caught your mate or mates cheating." Ms. Hamilton replied, "He (father of children) cheated on me several times....One of his cheating relationships resulted in him having a baby. People would come and tell me things, and I would catch him on different occasions and situations. You know, not in the act, but I knew something was going on."

Midwest Urban asked " Even after you found him to be cheating, why did you stay with him?" Ms. Hamilton replied, "At that time, I thought I loved him. I guess that comes with saying what is love? and what does love got to do with it."

Some Men Explain Why They Cheated
August 20, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
"DPN" asked why men have affairs. When a man drifts, it's all emotion and hormones. We fear getting old. When we come home to wives who are exhausted from work, rearing children, and doing chores and don't have enough energy (understandably)to be attractive to their man, we feel unloved and become susceptible to flirtation. The other woman makes us feel young again.

Most men come to their senses and pray our wives will take us back. In my case, my wife and I made a list of what we need from each other. I keep hers at my desk: a hug once a day, doing something fun together once a week, time with the family. It's not a lot to ask and I happily oblige. Our marriage has never been better. To women everywhere: Love your man. Put on a negligee. Forgive. Boise
Dear Boise:
Succinct advice. We heard from hundreds of men and detected a pattern. Read on:

From Denver: I love my wife and children. The problem is sex, plain and simple. My wife is intimate twice a month and lays there like a corpse. I found relief with a woman in my office. The sex is passionate and varied. My greatest regret is that I cannot enjoy these things with my wife.

California: Men are weak by nature. She is not gratifying him sexually, so he looks for sex elsewhere. The question should be, why are some men faithful? It is the desire to not inflict harm on the person you love.

Kuwait: It's not always about the sex. Most of the time, it involves the excitement and adventure of something new. When I stepped out on my wife, it was because we worked separate shifts and never saw each other. I needed someone to talk to and things happened that I regret. Men have feelings. A lack of stimulation mentally and sexually will drive us away.

Illinois: I left my wife after two decades of being shown I was nothing to her. She never made me feel important. When you promise to have a romantic evening, don't bail at the last minute because something else is more important. Your MARRIAGE is most important.

Tulsa, Okla: When I met my wife, she was outgoing and fun. After 10 years, she wants to stay home and watch TV. She has gained an excessive amount of weight. She seldom speaks to me unless it is to order me around. When a young gal paid me some attention, it boosted my self-esteem like you would not believe. I felt someone wanted me. I pursued her and got caught red-handed.

Indiana: I have been married for 20 years. For the past five, my wife says sex once every other month is more than enough, I do the housework so she won't be tired, I put the kids to bed, and I've pleaded with her to see a doctor, to no avail. So I am in the process of finding a woman I can have a physical relationship with.

Missouri: If I express an opinion out loud and my wife isn't there to hear it, am I still wrong? For 40 years, I've been the one who supports the family, cleans the kitchen and does the laundry. Yet all vacation destinations are her choice and all friends we have are hers. We married for better or worse, so every few months I pay $150 for an hour with someone who takes care of me and doesn't tell me I'm wrong about everything. That hour lifts my self-esteem so I can continue in the marriage.

Los Angeles: From the moment my wife said, "I do," she became cold, mean and emotionally abusive. Then I met a woman who appreciated all the qualities my wife found annoying.
Can He Really Love His Fiancée and See Me?
I have been in a sexual relationship for almost three years with a man who is engaged to be married. He insists he is not a "commitment-phobia" and that he truly loves his fiancée. He says she is everything he has ever wanted in a mate, but cannot explain why he continues to see me. The sex is very satisfying, but that can't be the only reason. Is he full of bull, or is it possible for someone to love his mate and continue other relationships?

The better question is not why he continues the relationship with you--but why you continue the relationship with him. Why do you invest even one brain cell of your mental capital on figuring out his motivation? Hint: Your availability may be the only incentive some men need. That's hardly a compliment to any woman. Do you enjoy driving down dead-end streets? A furtive relationship may be sexually satisfying, but it certainly can't meet your basic need for free and open exchange of love and support when you need it most. Begin thinking of yourself as someone worthy of a partner who can provide emotional and sexual satisfaction in the same package---and start looking for a man who is interested in you enough to build a future with you.

Dear Annie:
This is in response to "The First Wife" After 20 years of marriage, which included infidelities on my husband's part, I finally found the courage to leave. I thought I owed it to my children to stay, but separating from my husband actually made things better. Because my husband was so needy and I was so insecure, he sucked up a lot of energy. I now have more time for my children.

Here are a few suggestions: Don't badmouth your ex or discuss the "other women" with your children. Don't overindulge your children out of guilt. Boundaries help them feel secure. Take care of yourself, but always put your children first. Staying in my marriage was far more detrimental than separating.
Very Happy in Upstate N.Y.

Dear N.Y:
Those are practical tips for any person who is divorcing. We're glad your decision worked out for the best.

Mich. Judge says cheating spouses may get life term
It is possible under law, not likely

In a footnote to a ruling involving a drugs for sex case, a Michigan appeals court judge said that if state law were enforced as written, adulterers could be put away for life.

Spitzer's wife joins 'stand by your man' club
March 13, 2008 The Blade
But why would Mrs. Spitzer, an intelligent lawyer, agree to such a humiliating photo op? "As much as she probably would like to whack him over the head with a purse, it is damage control, said Ruth Houston, the New York City based founder of infidelityadvice.com and the author of Is He Cheating on You: 829 Telltale Signs

Greg, I get It! Adele age 26
I was dating a guy I really liked who played in a popular local band. After a few weeks of dating, he told me that he slept with some girl after one of his gigs. Sadly, a few years ago I probably would have been so into dating a guy in a band that I would have just pretended it had never happened and forgotten he had ever told me about it. This time, I told him that it was cool; he is allowed to do whatever he wants. He just will not be seeing me ever again. It felt good!

It’s so simple!
From this moment on, right now, as you read this, make this solemn vow about your future romantic relationships: no more murky, no more gray, no more unidentified, and no more undeclared. If possible, try to know someone as best you can before you get naked with him or her.

Let us call cheating what it is: a complete betrayal of trust. Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out and they are working it out on your time and with your heart. Some cheaters might give you an excuse, some might not have one at all, and some might even blame you. No one can tell you exactly what to do when faced with this very complicated and painful situation. But the bottom line is, is this what you had hoped for in a relationship?

If you don’t Believe Greg
A friend of mine was on a first date with a woman who mentioned she was also dating a married man. He immediately told her there wouldn’t be a second date, because if she didn’t like herself enough to be in a proper relationship, why should he?

Dear Ann Landers:
I want to help “Florida Wreck” by telling her what happened in our family. It should give her strength and hope. My father is now going through his fourth divorce. He left my mother for his secretary. He then left the secretary for the woman who sold him their condo. That marriage lasted less than three weeks when he fell in love with the assistant to the doctor who was giving him a hair transplant. He is divorcing her to marry his aerobics instructor. His former wives have formed a “support group” to help each other. I can truthfully say they are all in better shape emotionally then he is. Sometimes it takes some real knocks to put life in the proper perspective. “Florida” could emerge stronger and wiser from the wreckage.

Dear Annie:
Our daughter has been married for 10 years. Six months ago, she found out her husband had cheated on her.
Prior to this, we were very close to our son in law, but we have not seen or spoken to him since our daughter found out about the affair. This is not our choice. He says he feels too ashamed to face us.

They have since been to counseling, and we have been patient. We would love to have things back the way they were, but my daughter says he needs more time. We believe the longer it goes on, the worse it will get. Our daughter has forgiven him, and we have, too. Now what? Patient in North Carolina

Dear N.C.:
Your son in law is afraid of what you might say or think when you see him again, but you are right that it won't help to wait. Once he forces himself to get past the awkwardness, things can become normalized. If the two of them are still seeing a counselor, ask your daughter to bring up the subject at the next session. Otherwise, send your son in law a note, saying, "We forgive you and we miss you. Please come for dinner next Sunday."

Mom toxic to woman's well-being
November 7, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
Three years ago, my husband of 20 years fell in love with another woman. Nothing physical happened between them, but it was definitely an emotional affair. Eventually, she found another job, and my husband and I went into counseling.

In the middle of deciding whether to divorce, I told my mother what had happened. She has never liked "Nate" and this information added to the fuel. Nate and I decided to stay together and our relationship has been much improved. We moved to a distant community and started over with our kids.

We recently visited my mother, and she was very rude to Nate and said some terrible things to him. When we returned home, I confronted her about it and she blew up and told me that unless I divorce him, she wants nothing to do with my kids or me.

I know my mom is being protective, but Nate is really trying. I believe Mom is looking to cause problems for us. Yes, I sometimes worry he'll do something stupid again, and trust is occasionally rocky, but I told my mother she needed to butt out of my life, and she has.

Completely.

I find I don't miss her. My childhood did not include many warm family moments. My father was abusive and my mother didn't protect me. She is difficult and demanding. In the six months since she cut me out, I have enjoyed life more and my marriage is stronger. So why do I feel like a bad daughter? Is it bad if I never mend ties with her? No State, No Town

Dear No State:
Your mother is what's commonly called "toxic". It means she is detrimental to your marriage and your emotional health. Your first obligation is to your husband and children. If that means Mom is no longer part of your life, it does not make you a bad daughter. It makes you a good wife and mother. Stop feeling guilty. The choice was hers.

Dear Deanna!
My boyfriend of four years cheated on me at least 10 times. At first, we had an open relationship and we saw other people and later began getting serious about each other.

Although he continued to cheat, he showed me love and came home at a decent time. Now he has changed and is always around. I love him but I keep thinking about the phrase: Once a cheater, always a cheater.
In Love and Confused.

Dear Confused:
Once is too many times for cheating. You played a part in this drama because of the tone in which this relationship began. He disrespected you but you allowed it.

Count your four years as a learning experience and find a man that will respect you like the deserving queen you are. You are too good to be seventh fiddle to a man that is supposed to be yours. No, he will not stop cheating, and you are a sucker if you stick around.

If you are in a mutually established monogamous relationship, then when someone cheats on you, they have decided to blatantly disrespect a very important decision you two made together. They have chosen to do this without your knowledge, thereby adding lies and secrecy to your relationship.

Dear Annie:
This is for "Lost Wife", whose husband of 29 years is a serial cheater. If I understand correctly:

He can move in and out at will and have sex with whomever he wants. She gets to do his laundry.

He gets friends with benefits. She deserves no explanation.

He gets to spend her money on his girlfriends. She gets to stay home alone.

He gets to publicly humiliate her in front of family and friends. She gets to take it.

He will never treat her with more respect than she treats herself. I say drain the bank accounts, kick him out, and lawyer up. Get a new dress, a new hairstyle, a new attitude and go out with whatever man he hates the most. Not that Kind of Man

Dear Not that Kind:
Well, you certainly spelled it out in plain English. Thanks for your input.

Dear Deanna!
My fiance cheated before we were married and I recently learned that he's still seeing the woman he cheated with. I want to get out of the relationship but feel we should go to counseling.

I find it hard to forgive him because I'm scared he'll do it again. What should I do about this? Anisha

Dear Anisha:
You had your warning signs before you got married and you knew what you were getting yourself into. Most women that are in tune with their relationship know when their mate is cheating.

You should seek professional counseling not only for your marriage but yourself as well. If it doesn't work you'll be able to breathe instead of sharing your spouse or walking around being scared and worrying about a man.

Sure, he cheats and lies, but should she leave him?
Dear Deanna!
I am over 50 and have dated a guy for six years but we split due to his financial problems and issues. I left his house and moved on.

We were separated for two years and recently got back together. He has proposed and now I’ve learned that he’s cheating, lying and doing the same things that led to the initial split.

My adult kids despise him and are trying to talk me out of this relationship. What do I do? J.C. Inglewood, California

Dear J.C:
You’re a hot mess and you know it. At your age you don’t need to appear desperate, as if you have no options. You broke up for a reason and obviously you didn’t build anything with this man so why be a fool and go back?

You are setting yourself up to pay all the bills, a lot of heartbreak and exposure to sexual diseases. Avoid being pathetic by listening to your kids who also confirm this man is a loser.
Former $700,000 a year exec hit with a bundle of lawsuits by women who say he made pledges.

One woman says Mr. Colbyt got her pregnant and harangued her via text message (ABORT!!) to terminate the pregnancy. He also allegedly gave some of his girlfriends transmitted diseases and had proposed to at least 12 women since 2005.

Exactly what his marital status was at the time of some of the alleged romances is unclear, but as of last month, he was going through a divorce from wife No. 2.

Ms. DiCarlo and others suing him tell similar stories of aggressive courtship, big promises, and broken hearts. They say that Mr. Colby was carrying on with more than 30 women in the last half of 2007 alone and that he would tell them all the time how beautiful they were or how much he loved them.

A single woman with two children, she says in court papers that she dodged his initial advances but relented under a bombardment of calls, texts, and e-mails, many of them containing sexally explicit propositions.

She says she stopped searchng for ways to afford the brain surgery her severely epileptic 6 year old son needed after Mr. Colby promised to pay. Then, she says, she got pregnant, and the text messages abruptly changed tone.

Ms. Cook accuses Mr. Colby of infecting her and other women with STDs, including herpes and chlamydia. She also accuses him of breath of contract over the surgery she says he never paid for. She says that she met Mr. Colby through Match.com and that he proposed the first time they met in person. An engagement announcement for the couple ran in the Indianapolis Star in February, 2006. They never wed. Ms. DiCarlo says she discovered he was living a “secret life” with multiple fiancees.

Dear Deanna!
My husband’s old affair is tearing me apart. First, we had one child and then another one before we got married.

I later learned he had an affair with a woman that stroked his ego during my first pregnancy. He claims it was one time but the way she stalked him, harassed us and bothered us for a few years made me doubt it.

He confessed when the phone calls started but I still cannot get the affair out of my mind when I look at him. Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:
You set yourself up for drama by getting pregnant without the wedding ring in the first place. You cannot lay too much blame on his actions because he was not officially your man.

If this is in the past, you need to leave it there. Unless he is doing something that’s current, then get over it. You are causing yourself pain and agony from an old wound.

Seek professional or spiritual counseling to get to the root of your pain, squash it and keep it moving.

Slapping the mistress lands woman in court
Dear Deanna:
I found out that my husband was having an affair but I did not say anything. However, his mistress is not too bright. She approached me at the grocery store and thought she was doing me a favor by telling me all about it.

I was fine and laughing at her until she called me stupid. I took it upon myself at that point to slap her a few times and she pressed charges.

My husband will be with me in court but I’m not sure what to do with him after the legal battle. Strong Wife

Dear Strong Wife:
After slapping the mistress, your next step should be your husband. Yes, he was wrong for his actions and even more so for selecting someone ignorant enough to have an affair with.

After the legal battle, you need to do an assessment of your marriage, find out why your husband had an affair and determine together what you’ll do next.

However, make it known you will not tolerate cheating and divorce is an option if he decides to do something this dumb again.

Dear Ann Landers:
I was stopped cold by that letter from “Outmaneuvered in Arizona,” whose wife left him for a computer lover. My son’s wife just left him for her cybersex lover. Maybe she wasn’t very happy before, but it’s a tragedy when a woman walks out on her husband and three small children for a stranger. There’s going to be a lot more of this sort of thing, Ann. Just you wait and see. Rochester

Dear Rochester:
I don’t need to wait. I am seeing it right now, and it’s sad. Want to look over my shoulder?

From Sacramento: My husband ( I’ll call him Romeo) met Juliet on a chat line. The next thing I knew, he was on his way to Las Vegas for a little romp with his new on-line friend. Before he left, he went into hock for a new Mustang so he could show off.

Chico, California: The Internet can be addictive. It also can be dangerous and destructive. People suddenly become whoever they wish to be, hiding behind a piece of electronic equipment. I met three men on the Internet, and each one turned out to be a phony.

Tulsa, Oklahoma: My wife became acquainted with a man on the East Coast via her computer. It was just “fun” at first, but when she began to stay up until 3 am sending and receiving messages, I knew our marriage of several years was in trouble.

Chicago: I discovered my husband’s secret life when I decided to check out some of the numbers on his Internet bill. Maybe I’m just an old-fashioned, low-tech girl in a crazy, juiced-up high-tech world, but I told him flat out to knock off the fun with strangers in cyberspace or I was walking. He promised to quit the on-line flirting, but I’m still going to keep my ears and eyes open.

Juneau: Computer chat lines can become every bit as addictive as cocaine. I have been hooked on both, and it was easier to get off coke. I left my wife and family for my cyber-vamp, and within three months I discovered she was a nut who had broken up three marriages before she almost wrecked mine. I’m back home now, in counseling, and thank God my wife was able to forgive me.

Wedded Blitz
"The Wall Street Journal reports that two million people got married because of someone they met online. The bad news: Four million got divorced because of someone they met online."
Jay Leno, The Tonight Show

Husband can’t forgive adultery
Dear Annie:
I am a victim of adultery. It has been almost 30 years since my wife admitted having an affair with a friend at work. There was a pregnancy and a child I reared as my own. I knew then that she wasn’t my daughter, and after all this time whenever I look at her, I still see the other man in her face. I wish I could forget, but I can’t and I am not sure if I have forgiven, even to this day.

I still am torn apart by this betrayal. I have NEVER cheated, nor even let myself come within a mile of having an affair. I maintain dignity in all my relationships. But the animal side of me still fantasizes about my wife having sex with this other man. I become moody and nasty toward her whenever I think of the two of them together.

Help me forget and move on, ladies. This has interfered with our sex life and our love for each other. My wife does not know I feel this way, and I am afraid she will be angry at me for digging up this old manure. But after 25 years, I find myself wavering between loving her and hating her for what she did to me. She always brings up past faults of mine, financial ones and poor career decisions, but I have never done the same. When she told me about the affair, I forgave her verbally and thought I’d gotten past it. Now, however, I find myself letting these thoughts sneak in at the slightest hint.

What can I do? I am really troubled by my attitude and want to get away from thinking about it.
Troubled Husband

Dear Husband:
We feel terribly sorry for your daughter (and she IS your daughter if you raised her). It may be too much to expect you to forget this long ago affair, and it doesn’t help that your wife brings up past grievances, but forgiveness is still possible. Since you obviously cannot do it on your own, please talk to a marriage counselor, with or without your wife, and do whatever work is necessary to truly and completely let this go. It is eating you alive.

Dear Annie:
When my daughter were young, I found that my husband had cheated on me. I stayed in the marriage for their sake, but I've never felt the same for him. He had an affair with his secretary and admitted to going to prostitutes. I am only staying until my youngest daughter finishes high school.

My question is, should I ever tell our daughters? I felt like a fool being in the dark when everyone knew what kind of person my husband was. Do I owe them the truth, or would they be better off not knowing? Silent in Seattle

Dear Seattle:
Infidelity is a problem between a husband and wife. Confiding these details to your children would be hurtful and possibly destroy a valuable relationship with their father. We urge you to take the high road.

Man suspects wife is cheating
Dear Annie:
I have been married for nine years and am starting to think my wife is having an affair. "Eve" works nights, and one night a week she comes home late. I have called her office on those nights and no one answers.

Eve always has an excuse why she isn't there. Or she turns it around and asks why I am checking up on her. I have told her I am concerned because it's pretty late at night. I also found some new feminine products under the bathroom sink. When I asked what they were, she said they were just new soaps (I know better) and the next time I looked, they weren't there.

I told Eve I didn't trust her and want her to take a lie detector test. She accused me of being paranoid, but she finally agreed, saying she has nothing to hide. But she's also become really affectionate all of a sudden and is trying to convince me there's no reason to take a test. I still want it, but I don't know where to get it. Can you help? Worried Guy

Dear Worried:
A lie detector test won't help you because even if Eve passes, you still won't believe her. Such tests are not foolproof. We agree that her behavior seems evasive, which is suspicious. Ask her to come with you for counseling so each of you can articulate your concerns and see if you can find a way to make it better.

Dear Annie:
I am an avid reader of your column and impressed with your common sense approach to people's problems. But I disagree with the advice given to "Silent in Seattle." You recommended she not tell her daughters that their father is a miserable cheater who also patronizes prostitutes. She is planning to divorce him after the girls complete high school. What will they think when Mom finally leaves? She says he is a great father and they will hate her for breaking up their family. Please rethink that advice. Perplexed in Poughkeepsie, N.Y.

Dear Poughkeepsie:
It's OK for children to know their parents are having problems (most already do), but this kind of detailed information can be destructive. Mom shouldn't surprise the children with a sudden divorce, but confiding his infidelities could wreck the relationship they have with Dad, and that mainly hurts the children.

Dear Annie:
I had this vague feeling something was wrong with my marriage so I decided to look at my husband's cell phone call log. Imagine my surprise to discover a text message from a woman. Her number showed up in three months worth of phone bills.

I showed him what I found and we talked most of the night. My husband agreed to let "Lena" know the relationship was over and said he would have no more contact with her. I believed him.

Ten days later, after having been told we had no money for Valentine's gifts, I found a receipt for a $500 diamond bracelet. When I confronted them, and they assured me it was just a friendship.

I am so devastated, it physically hurts. I love my husband with all my heart and he claims he loves only me. I want so much to have faith in him. Do we have a shot at building back the trust in this 13-year marriage? Kentucky Girl

Dear Kentucky Girl:
You can rebuild trust, but only if your husband behaves in a manner that is completely aboveboard. He must stop seeing Lena, and that means no friendly lunches, no gifts of any kind, no phone calls, nothing. She doesn't own any jewelry? Give us a break. Tell him as a condition of staying in the marriage, he must go with you for counseling---no excuses will be accepted.

Son’s blood type raises a big question for dad
Dear Annie:
My blood type is AB, and my wife’s is B. I happened to see our adult son’s Red Cross donor card, and it shows that he is type O. The good news is that we are all regular donors. The bad news is that he cannot be my son.

A little over 40 years ago, around the time “Wayne” was conceived, my wife and I had a bit of a rough patch, but that is long behind us now. Since his birth, I always have considered him my son.

I don’t know how to raise this issue with my wife. I love her more than life itself and do not want to harm our close relationship. And I also don’t want to hurt “my” son. At the same time, this knowledge is very troubling to me and may have inheritance implications etc.

Is there a way to clear the air and let my wife know I will love her no matter what? What do I do, and how do I do it? Negative Dad

Dear Negative:
The information on a donor card is not sacrosanct, and it’s possible there was an error. If you feel the need to discuss this with your wife, you might want to do so without accusations. If you truly mean what you say, we suggest telling her you saw Wayne’s donor card and you decided that it didn’t matter.

We hope that goes for the “inheritance implications” as well. Since you consider him your son that is how he should be treated, regardless of his paternity. If he is, in fact, not yours, your wife might want to consider telling Wayne the truth at some point, in case he needs medical information.

Dad Learns He didn't Father One of His Sons
August 15, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I'm a proud father of two handsome boys, ages 14 and 11. Their mother and I are divorced. I recently found out through DNA testing that my 14 year old is not my biological son. This has devastated my family. When I called my ex-wife about it, she responded, "Whatever" and hung up the phone. I haven't spoken to her since, so I got no apology or anything. Now I hear she wants to introduce my son to his biological father.

Fourteen years is a long time and I can't let go. It hurts. I'm concerned about my son and what's on his mind. What can I do? Disenfranchised Dad

Dear Dad:
You don't have to "let go". You reared this boy, emotionally and possibly legally as well. You should maintain a relationship no matter what your ex-wife does. If you have visitation rights (and you should), you will have an opportunity to discuss his feelings. However, we urge you not to make the situation more stressful. If will not hurt your son to have another person in his life who cares about him.

Be supportive of any meeting with his biological father, while reassuring him that it does not lessen how much you love him. And if his biological father does not want a relationship, your son will need you more than ever.

Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today

Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611

Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com