Communications

Communications
Article: Long Distance
Article: You Talk too Much!
Article: Breaking Up
Article: Do Opposites Attract?
Chapter from Research before Romance (Communications)

Research before Romance-Communications by: T. L. Moss

He/she has anger issues, they don't want to sit down and talk, and you notice withdrawal when he/she doesn't get their way. There's alot of yelling and screaming when there shouldn't be, and you often find yourself walking on pins and needles. Do you really want to live this way, for the rest of your life?

You never hear thank-you, please, or I'm sorry, and WHAT! is how your questions are answered. And this you observe the first 30 days. If you accept this kind of behavior, it's only going to get worse.

Now why would you consider bringing children into a relationship where your significant other talks to you like this? Ungrateful takers, don't communicate, and won't be willing to talk to a marriage counselor either. You'll more than likely be alone, and won't have anyone to talk to.

Okay, let's talk communications in the day 1 stages of meeting someone new. It's oh so natural that everyone just exchange the digits,and keep it moving. But really, it's happened to all of us, you pass out the number, and the person calls, and calls and calls, and you really don't want to be bothered.

And it's so difficult to give out a wrong number these days, because if the person has a cellular phone they can dial you up right then and there. For some time I had a voicemail account, separate from my land line.

Giving out your cell #, land line #, work #, home address, work address, that's your business, however, if you decide that you don't want to to be bothered and then guess what? this individual you want nothing to do with, has all your contact information.

And ladies, if your getting those pillow talk calls at 1am, 2am, those are booty calls,and they aren't from men who have any respect for you. There was an interview with a young man on Oprah. He was breaking down the categories of the women he wanted and the ones he just called for sex. The women he wanted didn't get those 2am calls, they got invitations to his business dinners, and rides on his yacht. Whereas the 2am girls got those calls, and nothing more.

I just find that so rude, I work and get up early, why are you calling me this late? and to make matters worse, we weren't intimate, so I didn't get it. Maybe he thought, I'd invite him over, if he woke me up? ummm, no.

And for you men/women who enjoy the company of pen pals in the pen, before you start writing, you should really get a post office box. If you decide not to continue correspondencing, and then find an unwelcome guest on your porch well... let me tell you something I read in a True Crimes magazine.

This woman is writing to a man in prison. She discovers that the reason he's in prison is because he killed his fiancee. She decides to cut off all communication, or so she thinks. He and another inmate escape prison, and go straight to her home. They hold the woman and her kids hostage for several hours. The police get in, kill one guy, and take the second into custody. Years of therapy for those children, why? because of mommy's bad judgement. Get a post office box, especially if you don't know who you're dealing with.

People in prison are trying to survive. I had a close friend who worked behind the walls for years, so I've heard the stories, and she was a woman, in a man's prison. The prisoners usually have several women visiting and sending money, it's not uncommon for women to be asked to bring in drugs, and it's also not unusual for pictures you send to be passed around or sold to other inmates.

Be careful how you communicate with people you don't know. Once you share your information, it's hard to take it back.

Control the way that people contact you, how people talk to you, believe it or not, you can do this very early. Don't tell everything right away, stay guarded, because once you share too much, you can't take it back, and many times you slip and fall, many times if you share the wrong information with the wrong person, your life will never be the same.

Long Distance Relationship by: T. L. Moss

Being in love, from a distance, what exactly does that mean, to your feeling of...trust for your significant other. If you've met and established a relationship before he/she moves away, you may be in a better position to analze indepth how you want your relationship to develop.

There are many red flags but let's focus on the positive. You know that he/she has relocated for school or a better job. These are good positive reasons now, do you speak often? are you invited to visit, has she/he asked you to relocate to be with them? Can you call whenever you want? And when you do, do you feel as though he/she is just talking on the phone or sounds sincere when he/she say they miss you?

Have you visited? and if so, are you comfortable or do you feel out of place like an unwelcome guest? Are there many unanswered telephone calls while your there? Have you been introduced to his/her social circle, and if so do they know who you are? Have you been taken out, to his/her new hangout? Is he/she affectionate with you while your in public?

A long distance relationship can be a wonderful way to see if the individual you want to spend time with, is trully worthy.

There have been numerous experiences shared about long distance relationships that have thrived because it was important to both participants. They communicate, visit, and if possible webcam. They both know what they want to happen and usually have a timeline. A strong communication between a couple should include what should be said, if a long distance relationship is becoming a hardship.

And then there are long distance relationships that fizzle as soon as the person who leaves, doesn't keep up their end of the 'bargain' i.e. phone calls don't happen, visits are postponed, rescheduled, conversations seem forced and you notice that the person that's left isn't the same person you fell in love with.

If this is a relationship that you both want, you'll do whatever it takes to keep that spark alive, otherwise,cut your loses if you suspect there's something wrong, and you've already got red flags.

Research before Romance-You Talk too Much by: T. L. Moss

He/she has no real boundaries and doesn't understand, that you can't repeat everything you hear and see. Personally, I find this weakness, in a person's character, irritating, and unacceptable. And this is a noticable flaw, that should be acknowledged early and taken seriously.

Discretion is a grownup word and a mature person's practice. There's no excuse to name name's when discussing certain topics, and when your listening, you can hear, what may or may not be appropriate conversation.

For example: Mary's blue dress has green buttons (too be repeated) John's sister Anne caught Herpes from
Scott Linden, you know the guy who works at the corner store at Maple and Elm (not to be repeated)
It's not a good sign whenever someone's talking to you has to keep saying, "don't repeat this."

Intimacy and everything in that category should be off limits, he/she you or someone you know, is just tacky for sharing details, that will be repeated in or outside your social circle.

I've been with men who've told me things about their ex's I didn't want to know. And on more than one occasion, it was a dealbreaker. I knew that if he'd talk about her like, that he'd talk about me too. Luckily, I'd had the good sense not to have had sex with him yet, and was glad I hadn't.

In another 'time slot' I dated a voyeur, who liked to watch and record his 'activities' which I discovered accidently. He left a tape in the vcr, he'd forgotten it was in there, and he gave me permission to put in a movie. Careless and irresponsible idiot. I left the tape on top of the vcr.

My little voice was screaming don't, don't, don't before this happened, and I'm glad I was listening.

In another article, I mentioned a friend who collected the nude pictures of his conquests. And then there was a friend of an ex who used his nude pictures as coasters. If you have no respect for yourself, take nude pictures and be the featured star of XXX videos, just for fun. Just don't be surprised, when you straighten yourself up, or worst yet, meet someone you want to be with, and discover your ex is passing the tapes/videos around, and people in your social circle are talking about them, and looking at you sideways.

Again this 'raw' behavior is disrespectful and is a red flag of how he/she will treat you when it's over. Doesn't matter if you get married and do it, many ex's have kept pictures/videos and tortured their former spouses with all kinds of things when it's all over.

Listen and make the right choices, before it's too late.

Breaking Up by: T. L. Moss

Things between you haven't been going well for a long time between you and your significant other. Too many questions that go unanswered, and secrets that seem to loom, and that little voice that won't stop telling you that something is very wrong. You don't feel respected, appreciated and at times you sense he/she is just going through the motions in the bedroom. What once was exciting, is now forced. The intimacy is gone, and you can't remember the last time you heard a nice comment. Telephone contact is rare and the once upbeat smile on the other end of the phone, sounds rushed and indifferent. When he/she should be answering the phone they aren't. Reasons for not wanting to attend social functions are blunt "I'm busy" or simply "I don't want to go."

There's no more effort in trying to make you happy and it now seems that you've realized you're the one wanting to be with someone who's clearly not interested in being with you. You remember a couple of remarks, low mumbles that he/she refused to repeat when you called them on it. When you really needed some emotional support, due to some personal issues he/she wasn't there. It's been over for a long time, and you know it's time to let go, but for whatever reasons you can't. Why, is really not an answer.

Do Opposites Attract? by: T. L. Moss

There's nothing more disappointing than realizing half way through a date, that the person you are attracted to is an opposite. They hate being in crowds, you love parades. She doesn't like to entertain, you enjoy having friends over for dinner, football games, cookouts etc. You love spicey food, he likes everything bland. She loves to dance, he has 2 left feet. While talking, you discover he/she has never traveled, and wouldn't go anywhere they couldn't drive too. She/he is afraid of flying, and thinks trains move too fast.

She doesn't care for swimming because it messes up her hair/makeup, so scuba diving is out. Anything outside of tofu, fish, and vegetables is a big no-no, and you're a meat eatter, who doesn't care too much for fish or vegetables. You don't care for science fiction, he travels to Star Trek conventions. He's a democratic,
you've never voted. He doesn't believe in God, she is the daughter of a minister.

He loves animals, she wants nothing to do with anything that has fur, scales or feathers. You drive a gas guzzling muscle car, she has an electric car. He dislikes children, she wants a baker's dozen, can I go on about opposites. Yes, they've been known to work, and work well, but you really have to be commited, and most importantly,be accepting of your S.O. differences, and not try to change them.

Knowing you love your S.O. and you can both sit down and agree to disagree. The ability to sit down and discuss each and every opposite is essential, as early as possible. So that it's understood that none of your differences are offensive. For instance, one person is submissive, and the other is a bully. I want someone who's a strong presense in my life, but what I don't want, is someone who's verbally abusive.

Opposites are not only attracted to each other, but can survive in a relationship, but communication is very important.

Research before Romance-Communications
Women Telephoning Men
It's So Simple
Answering Maching Etiquette
I'm Babe, Call me My Name!
Greg I Get It!
Long Distance Relationship
It's So Simple
Taking it Slow....

Communications
So your going to start passing out your number to complete strangers, how do you really want to do this? You should not want to give out your information to anyone who asks, and giving out a wrong number these days can be called on right then and there. It is not on common for someone to call the number you gave him or her the second you hand it to them. There are countless ways you can take a number or give out a number that is not going to create unnecessary problems in the future.

It’s happened to me, and to people I know, they pass off their number, and then can’t get the person to stop calling. The individual is calling all day and all night, if you have the money, grab a pager, or rent a voicemail. In addition, if you have to have an address for anything it should be a post office box until you are completely comfortable with the person.

Yes, many times you realize after giving out your number that you’ve made a mistake and you want to turn back time, but it’s really too late. So, if you have time to think about what your doing before you do it, you’ll have calls coming in that you want to answer, instead of calls that you want to avoid.

And in the early stages, and this is before checking out the background, or confirming the whispers, you don’t have to tell the individual where you live, work, go to school, or anything that jeopardizes your safety.

Email communications are safe, a voicemail, pager, anything but your personal telephone number, cellular number, home/work address, or fax number. Once you review the information that you need about the individual, then celebrate by passing along your 7 digit.

Women Telephoning Men for Dates
Although in theory women today now have the option to ask men out on dates, in practice I find that only the most courageously assertive among us actually attempt to do so. Men seem to shy away from a woman’s direct approach-evidently still trying to retain their exclusive control of selection. After a few discouraging attempts most women go back to the waiting game. I do think a woman who wants to ask a man out should definitely do so. After all, men can’t say no forever.

It’s so simple!
Sadly, I can’t be with you ladies all the time, fending off all the bad excuses, and thereby, bad men that come your way. But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you’ll never see when you’re with a guy who’s really into you: You’ll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You’ll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you’re calling for your messages ever fifteen seconds. You’ll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn’t have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You’ll be too busy being adored.

Telephone answer machine etiquette questions can be more clear-cut. The gadgets have created all sorts of new ways to be rude. Consider this question from Disrespectfully Dumped: “I went out with a guy for four months-we were very close----and he broke it off by leaving a message on my answering machine. I haven’t acknowledged his message or called him back. Should I? Or should I just forget him?

“Erase his message from your tape machine and him from your life. Don’t call him. If he though you were worth only a tape-recorded kiss-off, let him know that he’s not worth even that. If he doesn’t hear from you, he might assume you didn’t care enough to call him back. That’s what he deserves to think”.

Dear Ann Landers:
I don’t think my new husband is very sensitive to my feelings. He insists on calling me “ Babe” instead of using my real name.

He calls me Babe when he phones from his office. He refers to me as Babe in conversations with others and I’m Babe when we’re in bed. “ Jay” has been married before-three times. I often wonder if he called his other wives Babe as well.

Every time he calls me Babe, I have the feeling that he can’t remember my name, or I wonder if it’s because he doesn’t want to get mixed up and call me by the name of one of his ex-wives. I’ve asked him several times to please call me Jane, but it hasn’t done one bit of good. What do you make of this Ann? Am I super sensitive or what? Should I keep harping on this or shut up? Baby No4 in Virginia
Dear Baby No.4:
You might as well shut up, because this guy is going to keep on calling you Babe, whatever the reason. My best hunch is that it is a term of endearment, so accept it as such. I’ve had letters from women whose husbands have called them a lot worse.

Q:”Why do women give out their phone numbers to guys they never intend to date?”

A: “Giving out a seven-digit number is easier than giving a speech. Some women would rather give their numbers than have to say “I’m sorry, I’m not really interested.” Or: “I’m not really attracted to you.” Or: “I’ve got a boyfriend”-which could be a lie they’ll have to embellish. Many women don’t realize they’ll have to give a speech anyway-when the man phones.

Greg, I Get it! -Corinna, age 35
I was dating a guy for a couple of months when it suddenly dawned on me that he didn’t seem particularly excited about me. In the past, that would have made me try harder, make excuses for it, and even confront him with it. Instead I did a little experiment. I assumed he just wasn’t that into me and I stopped calling him. As I suspected he never called me again! I can’t believe how much time I saved just by recognizing that I was the one doing all the work, and that I wanted more!

Dear Greg:
I met a really cute guy at a bar this week. He gave me his number and told me to give him a call sometime. I thought this was kind of cool, that he gave me control of the situation like that. I can call him, right? Lauren

Dear Control Freak:
Did he give you control, or did he just get you to do the heavy lifting? What he just did was a magic trick: It seems like he gave you control, but really he now gets to decide if he wants to go out with you-or even return your call. Why don’t you take Copperfield’s number, roll it in a newspaper, pour milk in it, and make it disappear.

“Give me a call”. “Email me.” “Tell Joey we should all hang out sometime”. Don’t let him trick you into asking him out. When men want you, they do the work. I know it sounds old school, but when men like women, they ask them out.

Dear Greg:
I recently started dating a very nice man. He’s gentle, he’s affectionate, and he’s attentive. It recently became a long distance thing because of his work. The first problem is, he really doesn’t call me when he says he’s going to. Actually, he really doesn’t call me that much at all. A week will go by, and then I’ll call him, and then he’ll call be back four or five days later. But when he does get me on the phone, it’s all “honey” and “baby” and “I miss you so much” and “when do I get to see you again”? Is he just not that into me, or can I just chalk it up to the crazy-long distance thing? Gina

Hey, Crazy Long Distance!
The only distance that’s bothering me is the very long distance between you and reality. (Okay, that was a little mean). Example? In your second sentence you said, “He’s gentle, he’s affectionate, he’s attentive.” But a few sentences later you say, “He really doesn’t call me when he says he’s going to. Actually, he really doesn’t call me that much at all”. That is neither affectionate nor attentive. And its not gentle-it’s a harsh clanging bell that rings, I’m just not that into you”. When then, is he nice when he calls, you ask? Because men are cowards and they would rather wait until the end of time than give you bad news. For the record, a man who likes you wants to spend time with you. And he’ll only settle for talking to you on the phone five times a day when he physically can’t get on a plane to come see you.
Dear Greg:
This is dumb. I know you’re not supposed to call guys, but I call guys all the time because I don’t care! I don’t want to play games. I do whatever I want! I’ve called guys tons of times. You’re such a square, Greg. Why do you think we can’t call guys and ask them out? Nikki

Dear Nikki:
Because we don’t like it. Okay, some guys might like it, but they’re just lazy. And who wants to go out with Lazy Guy? It’s that simple. I didn’t make the rules and I might not even agree with them. Please don’t be mad at me, Nikki. I’m not advocating that women go back to the Stone Age. I just think you might want to be realistic in how capable you are of changing the primordial impulses that drive all of human nature. Or maybe you’re the chosen one.

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one. We know there was a sexual revolution. (We loved it). We know women are capable of running governments, heading multinational corporations, and raising loving children-sometimes all at the same time. That however doesn’t make men different.

It’s so simple!
Imagine right now that I’m leaping up and down and shaking my fist at the sky. I’m on my knees pleading with you. I’m saying this in a loud voice: “ Please if you can trust one thing I say in this book, let it be this: When it comes to men, deal with us as we are, not how you’d like us to be”. I know it’s an infuriating concept-that men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It’s insulting. It’s frustrating. It’s unfortunately the truth. My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of ten, he’s just not that into you. (And we want you to believe you’re one of the nine, ladies!) I can’t say it loud enough: You, the super fox reading this book, are worth asking out.
If you don’t Believe Greg
A guy friend of mine refuses to break up with a woman he’s engaged to because he’s scared. (Yes, we’re a classy species.) When I beg the guy to pull the plug, he always says the same thing: “Greg, I’m waiting for the big fight. I’m just waiting for the big fight.” In the meantime, he picks on, bickers with, needles his fiancée, just so he can have the “big fight” and get it over with. It’s not pretty, but I hope it scares you just a bit.

100% of the guys polled said they have never tried to torture or humiliate a girl they were really into. Well, that’s a start.

The “Maybe he wants to take it slow” Excuse
Dear Greg:
There’s this guy who calls me all the time. He’s recently divorced, and in AA. We got back in touch recently, and lots of phone calls, and hung out twice in one week and it was real cool. No flirting or making out or anything, but fun.

Since then, he calls me all the time but doesn’t ever suggest we see each other in person again. It’s like he got scared or something. I would understand if because of the divorce/alcoholic/ starting-a-whole-new-life stuff he wanted to take things slow. But he still calls me all the time to have long heart-to-heart talks. What the hell should I do with this guy? Jen

If you don’t Believe Greg
100% of men polled said they’ve never been too busy to call a woman they were really into. As one fine man said, “A man has got to have his priorities.”

Dear Pillow Talk:
Sadly, wanting to see you in person is massive as far as dating obstacles go. And as far as the recently divorced/newly sober/ starting a new life parts, blah, blah, I’m getting sleepy, it’s hot, I’m going down for a nap. When I wake up from that nap I’ll probably thrill to the news that your friend is taking control of his life. You, however, will still not be going on a date, because despite all your excuses for him, he’s still not asking you out. Now, if you’re a person who enjoys a slightly satisfying phone relationship, talk on! But at this point it seems like he’s just not that into you. Be his friend if you’re at all interested on that level, but move your romantic inclinations onto a more suitable future husband.

Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today

Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611

Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com