Abusive Relationships

Abusive Relationships
Article: Abusive Relationships
Article: What did you just say to me?
Chapter from Research before Romance (Abusive Relationships)

Research before Romance-Abusive Relationships by: T. L. Moss

Within the first 30 days an abusive individual will show his/her true colors, and if your'e not careful, your inability to see the signs, could cost you alot more than your freedom.

The most recent publicized accounts of domestic violence is the story of the Hudson family tragedy. The accused warned his ex-wife, and she like so many before her, dismissed the threat.

A wife in Texas told her husband she wanted a divorce. He told her that if she filed, he'd kill their children and himself. She filed,and then dropped the children off, I don't have to tell you, that he kept his word.

Victims not survivors of domestic violence, are selfish and careless. They bring innocent individuals into their lives, and fail to warn them of the dangers. If your interested in someone who's just gotten out of an abusive relationship, don't just ask questions, do some checking. An individual that exhibits a controlling, overbearing, behavior, will not tolerate his/her ex, being with someone else.

I am a survivor. I've survived physical, emotional, and economical abuse (2 relationships total). I've befriended several women in domestic violence situations and prefer to distance myself, as I don't particularly enjoy drama, especially if the woman doesn't want to get out of it.

Years ago I dated a man, who was quite the catch, or at least that's how it appeared from a distance.
Tall, college educated, but there were some issues I didn't see.My best friend met him, and didn't mince words, when she said she thought he was an abuser.

He was mean spirited, but I thought that was because he was impotent. He was verbally abusive, but I ignored the things I heard, but, when I suspected he was cheating on me, I left.

What I've learned about abusive relationships, an abuser could look out into a sea of women, and pick out the women they can control right away. They can be discouraged, and you can save yourself and your loved ones, if you take the time to observe and listen, and this can be done by doing some research.
More than likely he/she has been charged with domestic violence in the past. And if you notice that the charges have been dropped by the victims, it usually means they have been pressured to do so. Run don't walk, and don't look back.

What did you just say to me? T. L. Moss

I dated a recovering alcoholic years ago who relapsed while we were together. The first and last clue was that I walked into my apartment and noticed a beer cap under the sofa. When I asked him where it had come from, he told me it must have come from the balcony above. Okay, let me give him the benefit of the doubt.

The neighbor upstairs is on his balcony, he unscrews a beer, the cap pops out of his hand, over the balcony and onto my balcony. I don't know alot about gravity, but know that's not possible, but let me continue, it rolls across my balcony, opens the screen door, flings itself over the balcony track, and then manages to roll itself under the sofa, which was probably 10 feet away from the balcony door.

What did you just say to me?

You've only been dating less than a month and your new suitor asks you to co-sign for a $20,000.00 motorcycle. Less than 2 weeks later, he totals the motorcycle, and tells you he's not going to make any more payments.

What did you just say to me?

"I've told you, I don't know who broke into your house, why would you assume it was someone I know? Just because I associate with people who have a history of burglary, and home invasions, doesn't mean they robbed you. Yeah they've been here while you're at work, I live here too, I can entertain who I want".

What did you just say to me?

"You keep looking at me funny, so what if I don't look you in the eye when I talk to you, and so what if I raise my voice, you're accusing me of something, and I don't like the tone of your voice".

What did you just say to me?

"I don't know, I still care about him/her very much, and if she/he wanted to come back I may consider it, for the children's sake".

What did you just say to me?

"Your breasts aren't big enough, your stomach's getting a little flabby, and your butt's too big, but I love you, you know that".

What did you just say to me?

"Just because I don't have a job right now, doesn't mean I'm not going to get one. I know I'm laying around not looking right now, I'm trying to find myself. I'll help you catch up on the bills, as soon as I get something".

What did you just say to me?

"That stuff in the garage belongs to a friend of mine, he said he'd pick it up in the next couple of days. Don't ask me where it came from, I don't know, but he gave me a couple of dollars to store it for him. And no he's not stealing anymore".

What did you just say to me?

"You keep saying you don't like the way I eat, dress, or talk to you, so what! that's me, if you don't like it..."

What did you just say to me?

"I know my mother as said some pretty nasty things about you and to your face. The reason I don't say anything is because that's between you and her, and I don't want to get involved".

What did you just say to me?

"I had an STD, but it's cleared up, I don't want to use a condom, because it's uncomfortable".

What did you just say to me?

"Baby you know I love you, you take care of the bills, work everyday, clean the house, take care of our kids, accomodate me sexual whenever and wherever I want, you don't question where I've been, and you put up with my family, even though they don't like you. Baby you're the greatest. And if you want to marry me, go charge the ring on your credit card, I'll give you a little something every now and then on it".

What did you just say to me?

"I can't go back to jail, I know the police are going to stop us, say this is yours. Don't worry I'll try and get you out of jail, and your mom can take care of the kids. Maybe you could use your rent check to get the car out of impound".

What did you just say to me?

"I don't have a license because of some outstanding parking tickets, I've been busted for DUI, and haven't paid child support for years. I told you that baby isn't mine. I know you heard that car I totaled was somebody else's, but the wreck wasn't my fault.I promise if you let you borrow your car, I'll have it back in an hour, and oh yeah, let me get a couple of dollars for some gas".

What did you just say to me?

"So you won't let me do what I want to you, so why did you agree to have sex with me? If you won't do it, I'll find someone who will, I'm tired of you telling me what you won't do".

What did you just say to me?

I told you my ex lives in my house, it's because of the kids, and it's temporary. No we don't sleep in the same bed. Yes she's pregnant, but I know I told you she's been cheating, that's why we're getting a divorce.
Don't worry so much."

What did you just say to me?

"I'm not going to work today, I know this is the second time in the last two weeks, but you got my back right?"


What did you just say to me?

"Maryann/Jake is just a friend, and he/she is having some relationship problems right now, we hang out and talk, nothings going on. No you haven't met him/her, and it's not necessary that you do, she/he is no threat to you. And what's the big deal that he/she calls late at night or early in the morning, your friends do the same thing".

What did you just say to me?

"I was stressed out, I'm sorry I snapped at you...again. I really didn't mean to call you the B word either, it slipped".


What did you just say to me?

"Yeah you heard right, my ex pushed me and I hit her, she wouldn't have gone to ICU, if she would have just laid there and not gotten up".

What did you just say to me?

"I need you to deposit this check in your account. It should clear right away. I don't think there'll be any problems with it. But if there is, I'll take care of it."

What did you just say to me?

"Come on, you know I told you I'd pay you back, I need to you charge something else on your card.
Baby trust me, you know I wouldn't let you down."

What did you just say to me?

The above scenarios have happened to other poor unsuspecting souls, and the second you hear anything close to anything above, you can say "what did you just say to me?" in your head, because it could cause a confrontation. Honestly, these should be red flags, that you are being taken for granted. It's now up to you distance yourself. And if you decide to stay well, anyone that cares about you, will tell you, or already probably has, that you're playing with fire, and your about to get burned.

Sadly, the above conversations could only be mentioned if the rude person has been given the go ahead in the past, about what they could and couldn't do. When you set down the rules early in the relationship, a user won't test the waters, why? because they know they'll be called on it. And one thing users don't like, is direct confrontation.

Research before Romance-Abusive Relationships
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month
Police not Liable
Domestic Violence Continues to Grow
Fiance Beat Me
Restraing Order Didn't Protect Victim
Mom fears for Daughter's Safety
Threats of an Alcoholic
From the Mouth of a Child
Family Domestic Violence Drama
How to Help an Assault Victim
Comments are Disrespectful
9 Signs to Run for your Life
Wife Hits Too
Legal Question & Answer
I'm Afraid to Leave Him
Should I Say Something?
Unassuming Guy?
Planning your Escape
Are your Pets being Abused?
Legal Questions & Answers
Celebrity Arrested
Husband wants Wife to Get Implants
Should I Drop the Charges?
Bad Temper out of Control
Cooling off Period
Newspaper Headlines
Sister is Being Abused
Husband Sabotaging Wife's Goals
Protective Order
College Student Being Stalked
Detective Trained to Deal with Stalkers

Dear Annie:
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. According to the Maine Family Violence Project Web site, nearly one-third of American women report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives. Love should never hurt. The National Domestic Violence Hotline says you may be in an abusive relationship if you answer yes to any of these questions:

Does your partner:

Embarrass you with put downs?

Look at you or act in ways that scare you?

Control what you do, whom you see or talk to, or where you go?

Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?

Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money, or refuse to give you money?

Make all of the decisions?

Tell you you you're a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?

Prevent you from working or attending school?

Act like the abuse is no big deal, it's your fault, or even deny doing it?

Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?

Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?

Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?

Threaten to commit suicide?

Threaten to kill you?

Perhaps this letter will empower one person to leave a harmful relationship. I did (with three children), and the rewards are ------Priceless in Maine

Dear Maine:
Thank you for the excellent information. Anyone who believes she or he may be in an abusive relationship should contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233

Flint, police not liable in domestic slaying case
January 20, 2009 The Blade
Ewing, now 45, was removed by police in response to drunken threats against Mr. Smithers in October 2002.

Before being taken away, she declared it "would be the last time" that he called for help, according to court documents.

The Genesee County jail released Ewing that same day and she quickly returned to Mr. Smithers' home, fatally shooting him and injuring two other men.

"They did all they could do under the circumstances," he said. "You can't put a protective shield around everybody."

Domestic Violence continues to Grow
By: Jurry Taalib-Deen

Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to U.s. women between the ages of 15 and 44, more than car accidents, muggings and rapes combined, noted Charlene Gilbert, director of the Catherine Eberly Center for Women at the University of Toledo.

Ms. Gilbert was among the participants at a forum held Wednesday November 19, and sponsored by the Black Student Union and Alpha Phi Alpha. Treyken Addison, president of the BSU, said, "Here at the University of Toledo, we've heard of issues where women are abused physically, as well as mentally, so I felt like it was something we needed to introduce at our meeting and make it aware to the student body, especially African Americans, that this is a problem and we need to take care of it."

He further said that not only do some female students speak of various types of abuse, but some men actually boast about it.

Mr. Addison said that the BSU plans on starting a domestic violence program with the Eberly Center and the Lucas County government, tentatively to commence in January.

Although domestic violence is occurring on college campuses, the crime occurs everywhere. According to Ms. Gilbert.

One third of female murder victims in the U.S. are killed by their husbands or boyfriends.

One in five female high school students report being physically and or sexually abused by a dating partner.

Forty-eight percent of girls ages 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.

Intimate partner homicide is the leading cause of death for African American women ages 15 to 45.

"It's a tricky situation. Sometimes people are asking why she doesn't leave or why she is still staying? Well, she may be staying because it is safer then leaving," Ms. Gilbert said.

She continues by saying "The woman has to think about how to leave in a way that's safe to her and find people who will be able to support her as she works out the safest plan for her specific situation."

In addition, Ms. Gilbert said a woman may not leave an abusive situation because she has been abused so much that she feels she is not worthy of anything better or simply lacking the resources to make a move.

She mentioned different types of abuse or signs of abuse that may not be as obvious as others. Those include control of the person's freedom to come and go when she chooses, apologizing and making false promises, accusations of affairs, monitoring conversations and undermining authority with children.

Other men will attempt to control by threatening to leave, threatening to commit suicide, reporting the woman to welfare or having her do illegal things.

The abusers will isolate the woman from family and friends, restrict her movements, prevent her from getting or keeping a job, giving her an allowance, taking her money, treating her like a servant and using the children to relay messages.

Ms. Gilbert asked the audience who they should tell if they suspect someone is being abused. Some in the audience said tell the parents. Others said tell the police. Those are correct responses, she said, but added that another person needs to be told---the man committing the abuse.

Ms. Gilbert stated that if more men told abusive males to stop the abusing and that there's nothing cool about abusing women, then it could perhaps begin to decrease.

When she asked how many people in the room know of anyone in an abusive relationship, nearly a third of the audience raised their hands.

Sharde Morgan, a UT student, said she knows of someone in such a relationship. She also said that the lecture was very beneficial in giving her insight about both the person being abused and the abuser.

During the session in which Ms. Gilbert actively engaged the audience, most of those asking questions and participating in the discussion were men.

Malek Stewart, also a UT student said, "We men are the ones committing the violence, so we want to know what we did wrong. For those of us that don't commit violence on women, we want to know how to spot and stop it."

He said he would tell abusers that just because times are hard, they have no right to put their hands on anyone, especially someone that they claim to love.

Ms. Gilbert ended by saying "The question we have to ask as a community is how we get the men to realize that hitting a woman is not okay and is not acceptable. And we, as a community, need to ask ourselves, what we can do to stop domestic violence?"

If you are in an abusive relationship or know of anyone that is, call 1-888-341-7386. All information is confidential.

Dear Gwendolyn:
I am engaged to be married this fall. My parents are planning a big wedding with all the trimmings. My dress is costing close to $6,000 and the entire package is currently at a total of $30,000.

No, my parents don't have that type of money, but they are going to refinance their home.

Gwendolyn, I feel they should be informed to stop the planning before any more money is spent. My reason for this decision is that my fiancé can be violent at times. While on vacation with him, we got into an argument and he almost stomped me to death.

I ended up in a hospital for two weeks. My parents were told (by him) that we had extended our vacation because we were enjoying ourselves and did not wish to return as planned.

After that incident, my feelings for him are not as strong. Because we had already announced our engagement, I let it be. What should I do? I really don't want to marry this man. Gladys

Dear Gladys:
Then don't. Your fear of him has caused you to lose whatever love you once had.
Let me tell you a story: In my dating years, there were two men who claimed to be in love with me. One later killed himself and the other killed his wife.

Girl, we down here on earth are truly being watched over and protected. I was saved because I never wanted to marry a man I did not love.

Just because a man loves a woman, the woman should go by her feelings and not by what the man is saying---or what other people tell her.

First of all, your parents are spending too much money on a wedding not to have money. I advise you to inform them today about your change of heart --and why.

Think about it. He is not going to change and what was almost a fatality could turn real after you are married. I hope your fiancé does not go off the deep end when he is told. In talking with him about the breakup, be in the presence of others.

Gladys, I wish for you the best and hope that your life will be long and fruitful, but mainly that you get away from violent man ---unharmed.

NY Knicks Player's Ex-Girlfriend Killed in Chicago
A woman found shot to death in a Chicago apartment was a former girlfriend of New York Knicks player Eddy Curry and the mother of his 3 year old son, Curry's attorney said Sunday.

A relative found the bodies of Nova Henry, 24, and her 9 month old daughter, Ava, in their apartment near the South Side on Saturday evening. Chicago police spokeswoman Monique Bond said. Both died from multiple gunshot wounds, the Cook County medical examiner's office said Sunday.

Curry's 3 year old son was found unharmed at the scene. Curry is a former player for the Chicago Bulls.

The Knicks issued a statement Sunday on Curry's behalf asking the media to respect the privacy of the two families.

"The Curry family is deeply saddened by this tragic loss and will keep the Henry family in their prayers," the statement said.

Police believe the killings were the result of a domestic dispute, Bond said. She would not elaborate. They are searching for a "known acquaintance" of Henry's in connection with the murder.

Rob Bryant, who said he was Nova Henry's uncle, told the Chicago Sun-Times that Henry had a restraining order against her boyfriend.

Mom Fears for Daughter's Safety
November 10, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
My daughter, "Alicia" is married and pregnant. The problem is, her husband is very abusive and I fear for her life. She is young and he is her first love, and she will not leave him even though she could be in danger. Alicia will not leave him even though she could be in danger. Alicia will not have anything to do with the family because we will not accept her husband.

I will be away for several months. My hope is that after the baby is born, her motherly instincts will kick in and she will leave to protect her child. Alicia has sent me an invitation to her baby shower. Should I give in and try to tolerate him for the sake of my daughter and my unborn grandchild? I believe her husband has complete control of her and that she is a prisoner. What should I do? Distraught Mother

Dear Distraught:
Because you refuse to accept Alicia's husband she feels she must defend him. That makes her avoid you, which in turn makes her more vulnerable to his abuse since there is no one watching out for her. You aren't expected to like this man, but shunning him means you won't see your daughter. She needs you. Please go to the baby shower. Be polite to him and loving to her. Let her know she can come to you, with the baby, whenever she needs to. In the meantime, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE/7233
and ask what you can do.

Dear Annie:
I had to write in response to "DPN" about why men cheat. Like your readers, my husband always tells me I don't make him feel important or give him enough affection.

My husband is an alcoholic. He drinks from the time he gets up until he goes to bed or passes out, whichever comes first. He also is a heavy smoker. His breath and body reek of cigarettes and stale beer. When he drinks he has an outrageous temper. I have been cursed and called every name you can think of.

Whenever I mention the word "divorce", he tells me he can't live without me and if I leave he will kill himself. So I stay for him and for our two children. If there's a woman who wants to take him off my hands, she can have him. After years of emotional and verbal abuse, my "give a darn" is busted. Given Up

Dear Ann Landers:
I wonder if a man who strikes his wife can imagine what this does to their children. I was a child who lived in fear that my parents would kill each other so I know what I’m talking about. Every night I used to lie in bed shivering with fright. I listened to their angry voices and waited for that awful moment when the first blow would be struck. I used to pray for their lives, my young mind visualizing death as the only force that would put an end to the fighting and screaming.
Often I would creep out of bed, hoping the sight of me would stop the fighting but it never did. I call it a “fight” but it was, in reality, a man beating his wife. My father was a heavy drinker and had a violent temper. I would hear him curse my mother and throw things. Then the sound of crashing objects and her moaning was almost too much to bear.

I pity any man who thinks he’s powerful because he can slap his wife around. These men are little boys who never grew up. I know I am stating this badly but as I write my hand is shaking and my stomach is churning. Remembering makes me literally sick. But please, Ann, fix this letter up in your own nice words like an educated person, so it will be fit to print. For the love of God, let these people know what they do to their children if they have no respect for themselves. A Friend

Q: My hot-tempered fiancé hunted down his sister’s ex-boyfriend. The man had punched my fiancé’s sister, and so my fiancé avenged her honor. As a result, my future husband got his arms slashed, and his eye was almost cut out with a knife.

“I’m terribly upset. The incident has left a handsome man, the love of my life, with nasty scars and hefty doctor bills. “Every day, I must look at these scars. He never realized that what would hurt him would hurt me too.

“His sister doesn’t seem too concerned. But I’ve lost weight and sleep over this. I fear he’ll again get into trouble.

A: “Before you marry this man, make it clear that you’re not asking him to give up his loyalty to his sister. You just want him to avoid the dangers, and to think how his actions might affect his safety, your peace of mind, and any children you eventually have.”

Woman Asks How to Help Assault Victim
June 2, 2008 The Blade
While going for snacks at a professional baseball game, I walked past a college age couple arguing loudly on the stairs. The man punched the girl in the face. Not sure what to do, I yelled, "Stop! Stop!" The man pulled the woman outside by her arm. The only other people around were three young guys who looked in our direction and kept walking. I wasn't sure if I should notify a police officer because I didn't want the boyfriend to blame the victim for drawing attention to the situation and beat her up again later.

When I got back to my seat, I told my boyfriend what had happened and he said there was nothing ore I could have done. My sister later insisted I should have written down their license plate number an reported it, to send the message that society does not tolerate violence against women. If this ever happens again, what should I do? Megan in Milwaukee

Dear Megan:
It can be risky to interfere in a fight. Your exhortation to stop was worthwhile, even if it seemed useless. It is always good for an abuser to know that others are aware of his behavior. We also discussed your question with coordinators at the National Domestic Violence Hotline who emphasized that contacting the police or the security staff would have been a good option. Any young person who may be in an abusive relationship can call 866-331-9474 or go online to loveisrespect.org for help.

Dear Annie:
I've been seeing "Ted" for six months. At first I thought his teasing was just a passing thing, but his comments have become demeaning and disrespectful.

For example, when I say I will put the groceries away, he says, "Do you know how?" He demeans the work I do, the friends I have, doesn't like when my cell phone rings, etc. When he hears a song we grew up with, he says it must be from "your era," even though he's only months older than I. We are both in our mid 50s.

It is emotionally taxing to be with Ted, but he claims I'm overly sensitive and then packs on the guilt by saying he will stop talking altogether so I won't be offended. He's extremely controlling. It's his way or no way. I have never before been spoken to like this. What can I do besides leave? Scrambled

Dear Scrambled:
Nothing. There is no evidence in your letter that either of you cares deeply for the other. He sounds emotionally abusive. Walk away.

9 Signs to Run for your Life
One guy is needier than quicksand. Another is jealous of your cocker spaniel. A third quietly hates all womankind. Pam Houston has a list of men you should put in your rearview mirror, ASAP.

Joe No show
You meet in a city where neither of you lives, at a convention or a wedding. The calls and e-mails are making the phone lines sweat; two months later he’s begging you to visit. You tell the woman next to you on the plane that after years of searching you think you’ve met The One, and the two of you giggle with anticipation all the way to baggage claim. Thirty minutes later, when the carousel stops going around, she looks at you with deep pity and asks if she can give you a ride somewhere. That is the moment to go straight back to the ticket counter. Do not wait two hours until his father, whom you’ve never met, walks up to you with a browbeaten expression and explains that the man of your dreams got caught in an argument with his ex-wife-and will try to meet you later. Understand that this situation can only get worse before it gets better. Save yourself two or three of the best years of your life.

Mr. Jealousy
At first he’ll get a little short with a waiter who flirts with you. Then he’ll be exasperated by how long you and the postmaster discuss the rising price of stamps. When he points out that you and your brother hug too long to be appropriate, or that your gynecologist is a lesbian and obviously has the hots for you, it’s time to give him his walking papers. However flattering his jealousies may seem the first five minutes of your relationship, they’ll get old and confining more quickly than you can imagine, and when you do finally break up with him, he will hang the scarves you left behind on your trees like nooses and follow you and the next man you date all over town.

The Bully
This is the man who sits you down, grabs your arm, pulls your hair, or pokes your chest. While most of us know better than to let ourselves get socked in the mouth the way Ralph Kramden was always threatening to do to Alice (but even then never following through), there’s a whole universe of more “minor” infractions in the violence department that should disqualify your new beau instantaneously but all too often does not.

The Two-Timer
For the first time since you’ve been dating, he’s too sick to make a date. You try to ignore the fact that it happens to be your birthday, and you assemble the ingredients for your famous chicken soup. You drop it off inside his door. Two days later he’s still sick, but you’ve been invited over. You ask if you can heat up some soup for him, and he says, in a small congested voice, that would be wonderful. You pour the soup from the Tupperware into the pot, and you see that there are mushrooms in it. Your famous chicken soup doesn’t contain mushrooms. Conclude that this man has another source of soup and will continue to cheat on you for as long as you give him the chance.

The Liberated Man
I used to have a friend who said “I seem to have a very liberating effect on whatever man I’m dating. We go on three dates, and the next thing I know he’s moved in with me, he’s quit his job, and his car is up on blocks in my yard.” Certain men are more prone to this type of liberation than others. I have found: Carpenters, river guides, and flamenco guitarists all fall into the category of men who are perfectly willing to hand themselves over to the care of a good woman, as well as visual artists, stage performers, and racers (ski, bike, boat) of all kinds.

The Betrayed
I seem to have dated an inordinate number of men who have just been left by a woman for a woman. In general, these men are angry beyond all reason, no matter to what lengths they may go to disguise it, and if you date one, be ready to give up all your girlfriends or you will be accused of being a lesbian, too.

The Narcissist
He doesn’t like your dog? Do we even need to talk about this one? Put it at the top of the category that includes he won’t make eye contact with your kid; he doesn’t want to meet your sister, and he whines the first time you make plans with your girlfriend. A man threatened by the love you have for the dog you sleep with is going to be threatened by more things than you can name. Dating him is inviting the type of conflict into your life that will make you tired before you even get up in the morning.

Mr. Resentment
Pay close attention to how he handles your accomplishments. If you get a promotion with a raise and he breaks it down to show you how it really only amounts to six dollars a day after taxes, that’s the first strike. When he uses any expression like “your little project”, count that as two. Just because men are having a hard time adjusting to the idea that women are capable breadwinners doesn’t mean you have to martyr yourself into helping make the transition. There are men out there more than happy to bask in the glow their women cast and to consider your talents a positive reflection on them.

The Virtual Lover
What a relief it is when a man doesn’t try to force you into bed on the first date. How charmed you are when, on the third date, he says he wants to wait until “you both can’t stand it anymore”. How sympathetic you become when, on the sixth date, he tells you how badly he was hurt by your predecessor. How confused you are six months later when you’ve realized his pager goes off every time you get naked, but he’s still sending you roses and talking teddy bears. A surprising number of great romancers out there never get around to having sex. To the date weary woman, this can seem like not the worst combination, but beware. Eventually he will blame his problems on the smell of your breath or the size of your thighs.

The Guy Who Had the Happiest Childhood This Side of the Beav
His mother was perfect; his father never smoked or drank or cheated. He hates the way his friends blame their parents for everything, when he and his seven brothers and sisters had love pouring down on them from the moment they woke in the morning until they went to bed. However refreshing this might sound the first time you hear it, listen carefully for a voice that is trying to convince itself, listen for the creak and crack of a personal mythology in the throes of shattering. When it comes crashing to the ground, it’s going to make a very big noise, and most likely your relationship will come crashing down with it.

Dear Ann Landers:
You’ve said that a man who hits his wife is the lowest type of animal. Now what about a woman who hits her husband? What kind of animal is she?

I’m married to an active volcano. When she loses her temper (which is often) she hauls off and slaps my face, punches me, kicks me in the leg or throws dishes. We’ve been married almost three years and I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I’ve never hit a woman in my life but I’m beginning to think may be it’s about time I did. May I have your advice? Black and Blue

Dear Blue:
A husband who belts his wife in retaliation reduces himself to her primitive level. My advice to a husband who gets hit is to leave the house for several hours. If this doesn’t cure your wife, stay away for several days or indefinitely. No man should have to duck crockery or wear a crash helmet in his own home.

Q:Sandra left her husband and is afraid that he will hurt her if he finds her. Does she have any way of getting legal protection?

A:Yes. If Sandra’s husband has hurt her in the past, she should ask her local prosecuting attorney’s office to petition the court for an order of protection. Once the court issues an order of protection, she should carry it with her at all times. If her husband threatens her, she can call the police, show them the order, and have her husband arrested. In some states Sandra may first have to file for a legal separation or a divorce to be eligible for an order of protection.

Q:My husband physically abuses me. What legal steps can I take to protect myself?

A:You should call the police and report the abuse. In most states you will have to file a formal complaint before the police will conduct an investigation. If necessary, they will arrest your husband as the first step in criminal proceedings against him. In several states such as Connecticut, Delaware, Minnesota, Oregon, and Utah the police can arrest an abusive husband without a signed complaint by the wife.

To protect yourself in the future, you can, in most states, request a court to issue an order restraining your husband from further violence. If he ignores this order, you can bring criminal charges against him.

If it is impossible for you to remain in the home with your husband, you should find a family shelter where you and your children can reside temporarily. An attempt should be made to have your husband receive counseling to help him come to grips with his problems. If you do not believe your husband will stop abusing you, you should consider a legal separation or a divorce.

Q:My husband attacked me, and I injured him while trying to defend myself. Would this be considered self-defense under the law?

A:Yes, it is self-defense as long as your actions do not continue to the point of retaliation or vengeance. You can take whatever steps are necessary to resist force and avoid harm to yourself. Using a weapon is considered self-defense if you are smaller and weaker than your husband. However, if you pursue and injure him with a weapon after he has retreated, this would not be considered self-defense, and you could be prosecuted.

Q:Anne and Phil have been married for 10 years. Recently Phil has been drinking heavily and physically abusing Anne. Phil says that there is nothing she can do about it, because a wife cannot testify against her husband. Is this true?

A:No. Husbands and wives may testify against each other in marital disputes. A wife may always testify against her husband when she has accused him of physical abuse.
Dear Annie:
My boyfriend, "Sam," and I have been together for more than two years, and my family wants me to break up with him.

I don't think Sam is abusive, but my family feels he is. He is very controlling. He doesn't like me going anywhere without him. He used to go through my phone records to see whom I had been talking to. (I got him to stop doing that). I cannot have any male friends without him thinking I am cheating. He comes over to my house every day when he wakes up.

Sam is depressed and has a horrible temper. I am afraid if I break up with him, he might hurt me or my family, and that is the last thing I want. Please help. Scared and Frustrated in the Carolinas

Dear Carolinas:
Sam shows all the signs of being a potential abuser, and the fact that you are afraid of him is reason enough to break up. You are smart to acknowledge that it can be dangerous getting out from under someone who is both controlling and has a bad temper, but the longer you wait, the harder it will be.

Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 or visit ndvh.org and explain your dilemma. Someone there can help you.

Q: A woman wrote that her ex-boyfriend used to get drunk and beat her: “Now he plans to marry a good friend of mine. Should I tell her about my experiences? If he starts to beat her, I’d feel very guilty”

A: Let your friend know how much you care about her and want the best for her. First, try to speak positively about your ex-boyfriend. Give her reasons why he’d make a good husband----if there are any. You don’t want her suspecting sour grapes or some ulterior motive.

Then tell her of the beatings. She might be familiar with his violent side. Or, in the time since your “ex” dated you, he might have gotten help for what could be alcoholism. Regardless, as someone who cares, speak up.

He could be the quiet, unassuming guy next door or the respected and charming executive. However, experts say there are certain signs that could, in clusters, serve as red flags.

Believes in male supremacy and adhering to traditional gender roles.

Is pathologically jealous and monitors your actions-although early on it may appear as an act of genuine fondness.

Appears to have a Jekyll-Hyde personality.

Has a quick and explosive temper.

Blames others for his actions and emotions.

Is prone to quick, serious involvement and seems to good to be true.

Is highly critical, verbally abusive or belittling and assaults your self-esteem.

Is cruel to animals.

Expresses antagonism toward women (i.e. calls them derogatory names like bitches).

Attempts to limit your contact with friends and relatives.

Is insecure; has unrealistic expectations. (Says “I’m all you’ll ever need”).

Has self-destructive tendencies such as drinking heavily or abusing drugs.

Planning a Safe Escape
Heart & Soul Magazine August 2000
Do I have an escape route? Avoid being trapped during an argument-especially in a room that has guns, potential weapons or a lock on the door. If you live in an apartment, make sure you know where the stairways and fire escapes are located.

Are there people in my life I can talk to? Reach out to family and friends; contact your local shelter and get to know folks there. Memorize the numbers of your local battered women’s hotline, police precinct and hospital. Having support is very important.

Do I have my own savings and checking accounts? If you don’t want your abuser to know about them, have statements mailed to a close friend or relative.

When I should I leave? The best time is when he’s asleep or away from home. If he’s home, have a few good reasons to leave the house, such as to take out the garbage or to visit nearby friends or neighbors.

Where will I go? Aim for a place where you can get round the clock aid, like a hospital or police station, or someplace he doesn’t know about (Ask a neighbor if you can go to her in an emergency).

What should I take with me? Stash a spare set of house and car keys, prescription medications, eyeglasses and money, including change for phone calls. Gather personal items such as photographs if you like, and ask a relative or neighbor to keep them.

Which documents should I keep handy? Locate items you wouldn’t want to do without: your address book, bank card, driver’s license and registration, checks and checkbook, credit cards, Social Security card (know your partner’s number), birth certificate, medical records and insurance ID card, legal papers police reports and passport. Think about giving a relative or friend photocopies of important papers. (If you have an Order of Protection, keep it with you.) Teresa L. Ridley

If your partner is abusing your pets
Phil Arkow, head of the American Humane Association's Human Animal Bond Center, offers advice for those who wish to leave a violent home but are staying out of concern for pets

Include animal welfare removing or protecting pets--in your escape planning.

Arrange animal foster care in advance through a kennel, sympathetic veterinarian or one of the more than 100 women's shelters nationwide that help find pets housing. For a shelter, see the Humane Society of the United States Web site, www.hsus.org/ace/20663.

In preparation for potential court battles, establish ownership by gathering such papers as vaccination certificates, vet bills, licenses and proof of adoption or purchase.

Have photos taken of you and your animals.

Understand that new state laws shield animals belonging to you, your children, even the abuser. As a result, you may be able to remove his pets from the home as well.

Rodman Arrested for Domestic Battery
Midwest Urban Newspaper May 6, 2008
Former basketball star Dennis Rodman has been arrested on suspicion of felony domestic battery. The former husband of Carmen Electra was arrested on suspicion of attacking his girlfriend during an incident at Los Angeles' Century City hotel on Wednesday April 30. The 46 year old was released on Thursday morning on $50,000 bail.

A spokesman for the star tell website TMX.com the incident was alcohol induced. The representative ssays, "Last night Dennis and his girlfriend had too much to drink. When they returned to their hotel they started arguing and a minor altercation broke out where Dennis grabbed her by the arm and left a bruise.

Dear Annie:
I'm a young looking middle aged woman and recently married a man several years younger than I am. My figure is petite, and I'm small chested. Though my husband told me early in our relationship that breast size doesn't matter to him, he has made several remarks about breast implants and most recently said, " Everyone likes to look at a pair of breasts".

This is a man who usually seems caring and sensitive, which is part of what I fell in love with. He made me feel so good about myself in the beginning but now seems to be picking me apart, little by little. When I express my concern about his attitude, he gets defensive and suggests that maybe he shouldn't say anything at all, and then he won't speak to me--sometimes for hours.

I've done without ample breasts my whole life and am not a fan of cosmetic surgery. What's your opinion? Cupcakes not Cantaloupes

Dear Cupcakes:
We think your husband is quite manipulative. There is no reason on earth for you to have implants if you don't want them. And we're worried about a husband who refuses to speak to you because you don't want to have surgery to please him. This is a control freak. Watch out.

Drop the domestic violence charges?
Dear Deanna!:
I got into an argument with my boyfriend's mother and she callec me out of my name and I did it back to her. Next thing I know, my boyfriend beat me up.

To make a long story short, I pressed charges against him and now his mother is begging me to drop the charges. He is on parole and this will cause him to go to jail

Everybody is mad at me but nobody cares that he beat me up and his mother started it all. What should I do? Sheron
Dear Sheron:
It's not your fault his mother didn't teach him not to hit women. But you should have respected her more and held your tongue instead of running your mouth.

Regardless, his mother isn't going to roll out the red carpet for you and you're going to always have problems because this situation won't be easily forgotten. This is not your husband and if it was any other man, you would let the charges remain.

On that note, get ready for court, stay your distance from the entire family and try to get your life started on a better note.

Dear Annie:
My husband is a sweet man who says he loves me. But ever since he took a management position, his already bad temper is totally out of control. He must be civil to his co-workers, so he takes out his frustrations on our daughter and me with a lot of yelling and verbal abuse. He apologizes afterward but continues to do it.

This is the way my brother in law treated my sister for 29 years, until she had finally had enough and divorced him. I swore I would never allow myself to tolerate such treatment. I am 52 and have told my husband I can't take much more. How do I maintain my sanity? Crying Inside

Dear Crying Inside:
Your husband should not be wound so tightly that he has to let off steam by yelling at you. Worse, he is teaching his daughter that tolerating such abuse is part of marriage. Insist your husband go with you for counseling so the two of you can work on his anger problem. If he won't go, go without him.
Domestic abuse law sets cool off jail time
March 14, 2008 The Blade
People arrested for domestic violence would have to spend at least eight hours in jail to "cool off" under a new law. Governor Mitch Daniels signed the bill into law Wednesday. Bill supporters say it will give those arrested time to settle down in jail, rather than seek retribution.

It also will give victims time to go to shelters or find help with relatives and friends.

Gunman, 3 others die in domestic feud in bank
March 13, 2008 The Blade
A man fatally shot two people yesterday in the bank where his ex-wife worked, then fled with the woman and killed her before committing suicide, authorities said.

Ex-FBI agent gets 6 years for abduction
March 14, 2008 The Blade
The victim told the court that Spicocchi had hidden in a closet, armed with tape, a knife, and a gun, and that he then dragged her around her apartment by her hair, stripped her naked, beat her, and then threatened to kill her.

Man burns wife, takes own life
Son, 14 rushes back to car; pulls mom out
Teresia Thompson was afraid of her estranged husband, but she reluctantly said yes yesterday when Robert Thompson asked her and their 14 year old son to join him for breakfast.

Update: The woman died from her injuries.

Man charges into class, stabs estranged wife in front of kids
Ohioan apparently kills himself after standoff with police

Dear Yo:
I am a 14 year old girl. Lately, I have been dealing with overwhelming feelings of sadness and depression. Just recently I found out that my sister's ex had physically abused her and her daughter. When my sister told me, she made me swear I wouldn't tell our parents. Not only do our parents not know, but she refuses to take it to court or to report it. When I confronted her, she told me she would rather put it behind her and forget about it. I don't understand how she can let this man get away with what he did. I don't know who to turn to. If I tell my parents, my sister will never trust me again. But if I don't tell, he might come back and hurt them. Please tell me what to do. Terrified for my sister Toledo, Ohio

Yo Terrified:
I agree you should be very scared for your sister, and this is a lot for someone so young to have to deal with. Although you promised your sister that you would keep her secret, by doing so, you will be helping to protect the man hurting your sister and your niece. You have to tell your parents what's going on, and hopefully they will do the right thing and contact the authorities. In situations of abuse, you can never be sure how far someone is willing to go. You said yourself, that you feel that he may come back and hurt them. Will your sister be angry with you for betraying her trust? Maybe, she may have also shared it with you as a cry for help, and hoped that you would tell. In either case, you will be doing what is best by telling someone. If you feel that your parents are not the right authority figure to tell, find a teacher or administrator at school, or someone at church to tell. Your sister is trying to put it behind her, and forgeting about it will only repress her emotions, only to resurface later on in her life. You didn't mention your niece's age, but, you did say she was being abused as well. She needs help to get past this as well. It's also affecting you; you stated that you are feeling depressed and sad about the situation. Help yourself, your sister and her daughter by getting this situation out into the open and make her ex face the consequences of his actions in a court of law.

Dear Deanna!
My husband of three years has tried to keep me from achieving my dreams and goals. We dated for many years prior to marriage so my desires are no surprise.

He has sabotaged my work by deleting files from my computer, erasing voice mail messages and losing important mail. I am going to be successful and want my husband to be a part of my success.

We are both working dead-end jobs but my success would free both of us. How do I fix this situation? Shattered Dreams

Dear Shattered:
Your husband is jealous and does not want to see you succeed. He can see the big picture of your success and it is making him feel insecure because he will no longer be the big guy.

You should involve your husband as much as you can and invite him to help you. This will allow him to be a part of the success and also have a feeling of achievement.

Working as a team will help you reach your goals faster, leave your dead-end job sooner and move forward in success together.

Protective Order: A court order that is used in some states to limit or regulate disclosures. It is sometimes called a protective order. A protective order may be granted to limit the time when and place where a DEPOSITION can be taken, for example, or to limit the inspection of documents belonging to a party to a lawsuit in order to protect business or trade secrets.

A protective order may also be used to regulate or modify the enforcement of judgments.
Donna found flowers and notes from Randy on her car. He seemed to know where she was all the time. It was ironic. In the beginning, less than a year ago, she had been flattered when he stared at her while she worked, and thrilled by his notes and bouquets. Now she found the same behavior threatening. He seemed to be everywhere she looked, where she worked, where she ate lunch, in one of his many cars following her as she drove.

Dear Ann Landers:
I am an 18 year old college student. Several weeks ago, I attended a fraternity party with “Jeff”. We had a lot of fun. When he asked me out a second time and then a third, I accepted.

After the fourth date, I decided I didn’t want to go out with Jeff anymore. Frankly, he was becoming very moody and unpleasantly aggressive. He got upset when I told him not to call me anymore and begged for a chance to talk about “what went wrong”. I felt I owed him that much, so I agreed.

That get-together turned into a three hour session of Jeff trying to get me to go out with him again. Fifteen minutes after I got home, the phone was ringing. It was Jeff. More talk. Finally, I hung up on him. He called back immediately. The next day, he called 20 times in a row. I decided to take the phone off the hook. The following week, I had my phone number changed.

I thought I could handle this guy, but when he started to follow me around campus, I became concerned. Twice, he followed me up to my dorm room and refused to leave. My neighbors called security. He has threatened to continue this “as long as it takes” for me to go out with him again.

I have told Jeff in every way possible that I want nothing to do with him and to leave me alone, but I’m beginning to feel uneasy. Please tell me what to do. Stressed out in the Midwest

Dear Stressed:
Jeff’s persistence suggests that he is obsessed with you. This could prove dangerous. Obsessions are a form of mental illness.

Notify the dean of the college. If he or she suggests that you charge Jeff with harassment, do it. If Jeff threatens to harm you in any way, go straight to the police. In the meantime, do not walk on campus (or anywhere else) alone. I’m worried about you.
Detective trained to deal with stalkers
Source: Ann Arbor News December 2, 2002

Q: You’ve probably heard about a recent case in Washtenaw County where a man was sent to jail for stalking a partner, and continued to stalk her from the jail in violation of a no contact order. How can situations like this be prevented?

A: The bottom line is that there are two ways stalkers usually sop-if they are locked up or the victim enters a self imposed witness protection program and changes her life, although that’s very difficult to do. When it comes to phone problems with a stalker, most experts in law enforcement suggest getting a second line and only giving it to immediate family and those who need it. They say to keep the first number and let the stalker call that number, then tape the conversation and document it, or have someone else talk and document it to report to the police.

Q: What are some of the warning signs a person can look for?

A: There are different types of stalking, but all stalkers share some characteristics. They’re narcissistic, they don’t make social contacts well, they’re jealous, they fall instantly in love, they’re manipulative, and they’re devious in how they find out information on someone. And the biggest thing is they absolutely won’t take no for an answer.

USA Today January 10, 2003
A former girlfriend testified that Paul Seidler stalked her for months after their breakup with the aid of a global positioning system. Police said they found a tracking device underneath the hood of Connie Adams car.

Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today

Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611

Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com