Being Selective

Being Selective
Article: Being Selective
Chapter from Research before Romance (Being Selective)

Research before Romance- Being Selective by: T. L. Moss

One of my favorite chapters. Being selective can help you avoid being drawn into 'relationship drama'. Don't be forced into being with someone, who doesn't meet up to your standards. And if you don't have standards, get some.

Someone who isn't motivated to make money now, isn't going to change, Dumpem.

He/she wants to borrow money, or just always wants to spend your money, and never spend anything on you. Dumpem.

She/he can't cook, their living space is always a mess, and they collect everything! it'll only get worse. Dumpem.

Someone who talks to you in a way that makes your toes curl, not because it's a turn on, but because it angers you, Dumpem

If they haha joke around, and say something that upsets, insults, demeans, embarrasses you once, or twice, that's one time to many, Dumpem

You've found out the family is a drama troupe, the police know everybody by their first names, the grandmother has a police record, and the family dog has been in and out of the pound for disorderly conduct, Dumpem

You notice that the family's offspring crawl the walls, and this is a good day. Dumpem.

His/her former girl/boy friend left town as soon as they broke up, and can't be found. She/He has children that he/she isn't allowed to see, or can only see their children when there's supervision, there's a problem, Dumpem.

He/She lives at home with his family, or is sleeping on a friends couch, and have been there for a while,
and have hinted that they want to move in with you.Dumpem.

He/she works at a fast food restaurant and that's their only income, they aren't in college, or going to trade school, and although they've held the job for a while, they aren't in management, Dump em. They aren't motivated.

He/She doesn't have a drivers license and after some research you discover that he/she has a history of driving while drunk, and has totaled out several automobiles that didn't belong to him/her. Dumpem.

He/she keeps constant company with individuals who are known to do drugs, drink all day/all night, or go out every weekend to find women.Dumpem.

He/she refuses to educate themselves, and isn't supportive of your wanting more out of life. Dumpem

He/she is careless sexually, she may get pregnant to trap you, he insists you get pregnant. Dumpem.

You found that they have terrible credit, and it's due to their inability to get/keep a job, or because they have an addiction. Dumpem.

He/she would rather buy a big screen television, than pay the rent, or buy a car, then pay child support
Dumpem

He/she keeps secrets, and when you ask questions they become defensive, Dumpem.

She/he has numerous children by numerous individuals who are hostile towards them, he/she refuses to pay child support, the children are out of control with no manners, and you are already having problems with the ex. Dumpem

He/she doesn't communicate well, they tend to withdraw when they don't hear what they want to hear, they come from a world of yelling and screaming and don't want to talk about counseling. Dumpem.

She/he has shared that they have been sexually assaulted, physically abused as a child, neglected as a child, or grew up in a home where there was 24/7 drama, and don't think they need to get counseling Dumpem.

She/he is a risk taker, dodging around railroad crossing arms, driving recklessly, leaving loaded firearms around the house, leaving children in the car while he/she run errands. Dumpem.

He/she has made some crude remarks about your family, and suggests after you become a couple, you should move away. Dumpem.

He/she does inappropriate things to your children (pushes, spanking) hits or kicks your pet or suggests you get rid of the pet, or let your ex care for your children full-time. Dumpem.

He/she is constantly asking where your going, when your coming back, always texting, blowing up your cell phone, your answering machine/voicemail is packed with where are you messages. Your email contains several messages. Dumpem.

You are secretly embarrassed to take him/her out because of their manners, clothing choices, hygiene, inability to carry on a conversation without cursing, insensitive remarks (racist, sexist) Dumpem

You discover by accident that the person your with, can't read or write. This is a serious one. They will be dependent on you, for all the wrong reasons. Dumpem gently.

She/he has a criminal record that's recent. And they don't mind going to jail. Dumpem

He/she has poor nutrition habits, eating whatever is put in front of them. They are overweight, and don't like exercise. An overweight love interest could get to be expensive, and will have health problems in the future. Dumpem

I could apologize for some of these dumpem suggestions, but uhhh no. Some are a little extreme, but you might thank me later. Really, I wouldn't tell you anything, I wouldn't do myself.

Things happen, alot of what's been mentioned, can't be done after the first date. But dumping em before things get really serious is a must, otherwise you'll find yourself caught up in a relationship with an individual who will make your life miserable.

But I really want you to learn how to dumpem gracefully, remember, practice the it's me not you speech.
Repeat after me, you are wonderful, and I don't think I would be the right person for you. Whatever the conversation. Work your magic, but know this, if you decide to do this after you've spent too much time with an individual who doesn't let go easy, then you'll have a problem. That's why it's important to do what?
Research first.

Giving someone an ultimatum is a great thing but if the individual doesn't take it seriously, and becomes resentful because they think you're trying to change them, you may encounter some resistence. I vote to, yeah, Dumpem.

Research before Romance-Hoping for Change by: T. L. Moss

"Brandon" was the love of my life, until I came to the realization that he was a slob. I'd travel a total of 6 hours to visit him, only to find his apartment trashed. I'd clean it, because I like order, and not knowing where things were, or even where to put my overnight bag, bugged me.

He never washed dishes, nor did he bother to wipe his shaved whiskers out of the bathroom sink. He was always anxious to make love, but never took the time to change the sheets, or make his bed before I arrived.

Unopened paper plates on the coffeetable, can openers in the bathroom, and toilet paper on the kitchen counters. I couldn't understand how he could live that way, and still function. He worked fulltime, and attended law school at night. File folders scattered the apartment, and stuff was just everywhere. He always joked that if we got married, I could hire a housekeeper. No, if you'd just pick up after yourself, or at least put things where they were supposed to be, you wouldn't have to hire a housekeeper.

I just got to the point where I was tired of discussing it anymore. I knew this would be an ongoing argument, throughout our relationship, it was easy giving him the 'it's not you, it's me speech'. Why? because he knew it bothered me that his apartment was a mess, and he made no attempt to correct the problem.

As a collector of advice columns, I'm constantly reviewing articles from wives who have been married to men who don't dress to impress, nor do they have high marks in the hygiene department. These women have been bothered by this for over 30 years, and many are ready to walk out. They thought once they got married, they could 'change' the personal habits of their spouses, but it didn't happen, it only got worse.

Now, for table manners, or the lack of. Once you do the eating out date, either the person does or does not have them, it's pretty cut and dry. A person can't hide this 'flaw', yet once again, spouses complain that after 30 years of living with someone who talks with their mouth full of food, slurps, burps, farts, blows their nose at the table, and eats with their fingers, lacks table manners.

If this is something that bothers you, and you see no changes after mentioning it, then it's your significant other's decision to either, or. If they're not willing to try and change those mannerisms, it's a dealbreaker.
One man complained that his wife's family ate like animals, during family gatherings, and he was tired of it.
He knew before he married her, that they were part of the package, yet he accepted it.

If your an up and coming executive, or enjoy social gatherings, you have to decide early on, if you want to leave your spouse at home, or simply, pass on the relationship.

Personally, I have a few little dealbreakers, that are a given, and I usually am able to observe them on the first or second date.

Neck cracking, I just don't understand that, knucklecracking is just not something I can deal with, to me that's just like taking your nails and running them down the chalkboard. The same goes for snorting, I find the sound of it, nasty. I'm not kissing someone who snorts, it's just not going to happen.

Educational levels, there are millions of couples who are happy together, with one being of an educational level above their spouse. Being articulate, and well spoken is a plus, but if this is not to be, there may be some uncomfortable compromises in your future. Socializing with others, business gatherings, trying to mingle with in-laws who are not forgiving of your background.

Someone who doesn't want to better themselves, should be a red flag. They can't contribute to the relationship, or the household, by bringing home minimum wages, and no insurance benefits. And usually these types, are threatened when their spouses/significant others, climb financially, and socially.

And then there are those individuals who say what ever comes out of their mouth, they don't care that they are hurting someone else's feelings, they just speak their mind. Yes, one more of those personality flaws that can't be changed. If they are doing this after the first, or second date, be assured they are going to do it on the third date. It's part of who they are, and if you don't like it, you need to back away now.

A wife wrote that her husband of over 30 years told overnight guests that if they didn't like seeing him walking around in his underwear, scratching his genitals, they could get out. And then he told his elderly mother, if she was cold, she could get out too. Apparently he liked opening all the windows in his home, in the winter.His wife had been dealing with his behavior for years, and it had embarrassed her to the point where she wanted to leave him.

He was like that when she met him, he was like that during their courtship, during their engagement, and probably on their wedding day. She knew what kind of man she was getting, and she married him anyway.

Ignoring any kind of flaw, hoping your significant other will change it, out of respect for your feelings, is a long shot. I'd love to say, it'll be okay, but that's really not being realistic. If someone your dating is doing something over and over again, even after you've asked them to stop, that screams, IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN, MOVE ON.

There's someone out there, who won't care that they eat with their fingers. There's someone out there who won't mind the fact that they fart a song at a 4 star restaurant, there's someone out there who doesn't care that they don't shower, or dress like Howdie the clown at the family reunion. There's someone out there that doesn't mind that anything they say, is okay. There's someone out there, who doesn't mind picking up after an adult. There's someone out there who doesn't cringe everything you scratch your genitals, or pick your nose, and then, examine what's on the tip of your finger. There's someone out there, and if it bothers you now, it's probably not you.

Why be unhappy if you don't have to be? A dealbreaker, is just that. You should never go into a relationship thinking you can change something about someone else. Because, when it doesn't happen, you have to know that you've wasted your time. And in the back of your mind, you need to know that the person just doesn't think enough about you, to change a flaw, that makes you want to scream to the clouds! I'm not going to do this even if I know it will make you happy, says I don't respect you, nor do I love you enough to work on changing this habit.

By the third date, you should know, after 30 years if what happened on the second date, is still happening
well.....know that your overlooking it, ignoring it,and your telling that person, it's okay.


Research before Romance Body Image by: T. L. Moss

You've heard it time and time again, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. It's true. I can love you all day long, but I want you to be visually attractive. Some relationships, thrive either way.

I have a friend girl who was a model when she met her husband over 40 years ago. She's still beautiful, but from the neck up, her size 4 is now a 20 plus, but her husband still worships the ground she walks on. But, we all can't be that blessed. Don't assume just because he/she says it's okay if you gain a couple of pounds, it's okay to gain more.

Too many advice columns tell stories about deception, betrayal and disappointment because one of the spouse's has gotten so comfortable, that they have eatten themselves out of a relationship.

Jumping out of a size 2 into a size 28 within a matter of 5 years. It might be a tyroid problem, if this runs in the family, maybe it should be researched. I do apologize, but weight problems ruin love stories.

If this is a concern to you now, maybe you should speak with your doctor.

Women and men that believe they have been given the go ahead to let themselves go, once the last I do has been breathed, are in for a hard fall from space.

If your dating someone who eats a lot of junk food, and doesn't exercise now, they will continue this after you're married. And this is not only bad for your/their health, but expensive, and I'm not just talking about the cost of the food, but down the road, health insurance, clothing (large sizes cost more money), reenforced furniture, etc.

If you don't have a budget for a health club, purchase a couple of tapes, so that you can exercise, in the privacy of your home. Swim, walk, bike ride, all of the mentioned activities, can be done as a family.

The final note on this conversation, keeping yourself looking good doesn't guarantee your relationship will last forever, but it will keep your spirits alive, your self worth will be in tact, and you will be healthy enough and look good enough, to bring something special to another phase of your life. Keep it real, take care of yourself.

Research before Romance- Be Selective
Newspaper Articles
Man Never Left Childhood
Blabbermouth
Did she Trap Him?
Inmate Eats his Eye
Daughter's Choices
Chasing a High School Dropout
Woman is Lonesome for her Loser
Hard Choices to Make
Marrying her for the 4th Time
Overlooking Signs
Picky
Newspaper Headlines
Child Endangerment
I Want to Know Why
Too Timer
Wrong Men in Her Life
Mother's Abusive Boyfriend
Mother-Boyfriend Killed while Children Slept

Mother in bathtub killings not guilty
Woman found insane when she drowned 2 kids
January 24, 2009 The Blade
Ms. Hill made no attempt to conceal evidence or flee after the killings. Instead, she called her boyfriend, Jaime Cintron, (father to one of the children), who came home and found her sitting on the couch staring blankly ahead in an unresponsive daze.

1 of 2 Freed after girl dies during snowy trek
January 24, 2009 The Blade
An Idaho judge has dismissed charges against one of two men accused in the death of an 11 year old girl who was allowed to walk 10 miles in the snow.

A judge agreed with a defense attorney yesterday that Kenneth Quintana shouldn't be charged because he didn't have custody of Sage Aragon and her brother Bear, 12.

Robert Aragon, the children's father, is charged with involuntary manslaughter and felony injury to a child.

Prosecutors say the two were driving the children to their mother's house on Christmas when their car got stuck in a snowdrift.

Grown man never left childhood
February 4, 2009 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I have been seeing "Rob" for over a year. We have loads of fun together and genuinely love each other. The problem is, Rob doesn't seem overly interested in moving in together, getting married, or having kids, and he knows that's a deal breaker for me. I can understand this hesitation about marriage. He was married before and his wife had children from her first marriage, but it didn't work out and they divorced years later.

We each have our own homes, but Rob will not consider selling his so we could get a place together. I think it's important for a couple to find a place they can both call home. His place is bigger, but it needs a lot of work. It's the home he grew up in, and it would always be his, not ours. Plus, his mom moved in with him a few years back and is still living there.

He's been saying for months that it's time for her to find her own place, but he won't discuss it with her. And she still makes his meals and does his laundry.

How can I make him see that at this stage in his life he should know what it's like to live on his own or he will never be able to figure out if he wants to have a life with someone else? I am not trying to force our relationship into marriage, but neither of us is getting any younger. When is it time to move on?
Nutcase in N.Y.

Dear N.Y.:
Yestereday. This is a grown man, still living in his childhood home with his mother who cooks and cleans for him. He's made it clear that he's not ready for marriage and may never want children. You can issue an ultimatum, since you'll have nothing to lose by walking away. Otherwise, decide whether you love him enough to stay in this situation indefinitely. We can't promise there will be anything more.

Dear Deanna!
When does an ex-boyfriend have the right to disrespect an old flame? My boyfriend and I split because we weren't compatiable. I thought we were on the same page until he started putting my business in the street.

He's talking about my credit problems, family drama, and he hurt me the most by telling his friends about my medical hygiene problems. I feel I'm doing the right thing by ignoring him. Elaine

Dear Elaine:
Any man, whether married, single, dating or divorced, who puts his woman on blast and tells her business after a breakup is a punk.

It's worse if they have children because he's disrespecting the woman and his kids. You're doing the right thing by giving him a deaf ear. Now you're able to see more about his character that led you to break up in the first place.

Keep holding your head high because in the end, he'll still look like a fool.

Did she get pregnant to trap him?
January 17, 2009 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I manage a very small office. Last year, I became involved with my employer and got pregnant. Fortunately, we grew to love each other and our child, and we are now married. Despite our rocky start, we are quite happy.

The problem is his family. They constantly make comments about our relationship and suggest to him that I became pregnant on purpose to trap him. I am at the end of my rope because of these hurtful remarks. How do I convince my husband that it is his responsibility to defend me? He says to do so would give his family the impression that he has blind faith in me as if that is a bad thing. Please help. I'm considering divorce over this. Office Sweetheart

Dear Sweetheart:
Apparently your husband thinks his family could be right, which is why he doesn't defend you. His lack of emotional support does not speak well for him and is damaging to your marriage. Ask him to go with you for counseling to clear the air and make sure your priorities are on the same page.

Deathrow Inmate Eats his own Eye
A Texas death row inmate with a history of mental problems pulled out his only good eye and told authorities he ate it.

Andre Thomas, 25, was arrested for the fatal stabbings of his estranged wife, their young son and her 13 month old daughter in March 2004. Their hearts also had been ripped out. He was convicted and condemned for the infant's death.

While in the Grayson Jail in Sherman, Thomas plucked out his right eye before his trial later in 2004. A judge subsequently ruled he was competent to stand trial.

On Dec. 9, a death-row officer at the Polunsky Unit of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice found Thomas in his cell with blood on his face and took him to the infirmary.

"Thomas said he pulled out his eye and subsequently ingested it," agency spokesman Jason Clark said Friday.

Thomas was treated at East Texas Medical Center in Tyler. Then he was transferred and remains at the Jester Unit, a prison psychiatric facility near Richmond southwest of Houston.

The Texas Court of Criminal Appeals in October upheld his conviction and death sentence for the death of 13 month old Leyha Marie Hughes. Also killed March 27, 2004, were his wife, Laura Christine Boren, 20, and their son, 4 year old Andre Lee.

Thomas, from Texoma, walked into the Sherman Police Department and told a dispatcher he had just murdered the three and had stabbed himself in the chest.

Dear Annie:
My daughter, "Felicia" is extremely bright, beautiful, and has a wonderful heart. However, I am concerned about her choice in boyfriends.

Felicia tends to take on the characteristics of whomever she is dating. She was engaged to "Bob" for five years. Bob never finished high school, had no intention of getting a GED, and moved from one job to another. He had no drivers license or car, so my daughter ferried him everywhere. Evenually she discovered Bob had been lying about a job and had stolen $1,000 from her bank account. When she confronted him, be became angry, took her car, and managed to wreck it to the tune of $3,000. He then called on his way out of state and said he would not be back.

Felicia worked very hard getting herself together. But now she has a new boyfriend whom she met about a month ago and the nightmare is beginnings all over again. "Sam" has no education, has lost his job, and will not communicate with my husband or me. Felicia is beginning to behave just like him. Her best girlfriend has noticed, it too.

I am at a loss to understand why she prefers these kinds of friends and have no idea how to get through to her. Any suggestions? Worried to Death

Dear Worried:
Either Felicia doesn't believe your reassurances, or she is rebelling by deliberately choosing men who will displease her parents. It's time to step back and let her make her own decisions, no matter how misguided. Some people only learn the hard way. Plaster a smile on your face and be friendly to the boyfriend. If she's rebelling, your acceptance will squash the need, and if she's lacking in self-esteem, your support will bolster her. Don't reject the man who could become her husband. She's going to need you.

Change schools to chase a dropout?
Dear Gwendolyn:
Last semester I made horrible grades. My GPA was 1.5 and I have a reasonable explanation for that. The problem is I want to change schools.

I met a man while working at a summer camp. He worked at the fast food restaurant. It was love at first sight. You would think I would not have been attracted to him as he was a permanent worker---school dropout.

When my parents discovered I wanted to change schools, they were furious. Where I now attend is affordable. However, I would like to be near my friend. The only college in the camp's small town is private and expensive.

I feel my parents are doing me wrong. They could sacrifice a little harder. Am I being selfish? Do I need to consider changing would be a hardship for them?

If I lived near him, I could convince him to go back to school and even to college. He was a dropout at age 16 and is now 36. We could get married after he graduates. My parents need to make me happy. Grace

Dear Grace:
Parents can make you happy as a child, but once you become an adult, happiness comes from the choices you make.

Let me tell you this: Sixteen year old dropouts usually hang on street corners wearing gold chains around their neck, diamonds on their fingers, and a Rolex watch on both wrists. This money, of course, is accomplished illegally.

After going from boy to man, they realize women of intelligence don't cross at that particular street corner. Therefore, they get a job at a fast food chain in a lucrative neighborhood. They have the knowledge to know women of quality will enter---just as you did.

Grace, put forward your best efforts and bring up your GPA. Concentrate on receiving your undergraduate degree and possibly going on to graduate school. The man you speak of has had 20 years to make something of his life. To quit college just to chase a high school dropout won't hurt your parents. Their hurt will only be temporary, but your hurt will be permanent.

Think about it. Uneducated men look for educated women who possess---a lack or common sense.

Dear Yo:
I am so lonely. I got out of a 7 year relationship and it's been a while since we have been together. The problem is I still love him. I know we are not right for each other and other then us having a child together we have nothing in common. We always argue and he is so immature. I don't think I really want to be with him. I am just lonely, so I am trying to find a good quality man to make me happy and cure the loneliness. I have started working out a lot to suck up some of my time but every woman wants a man to hold at night. Do you think I should take time for myself and my child and quit acting like a baby? Or should I give it a try for the millionth time? Lonely

Yo Lonely:
First off I want to say that I don't think that you are acting like a baby. You are acting like what you said you are...lonely. But don't let being lonely keep you in or make you go back to a situation that you seem to know is not good for you... Being in an unhealthy relationship is bad for you and your child. Arguing all the time and staying in a relationship just because you have a child together is a huge mistake that lots of people make all the time. I know it is easier said than done, but give it some time. Find activities for you and your child to participate in, or an organization to join, so you heal and get over this man. And yes, take time for yourself too.

Seven years is a long time to be with someone and your child binds you two forever, but at some point you have to move on. Working out is good, but there is plenty of things that you can do. Don't let wanting a man to hold you at night hold you back from your happiness. Love yourself and your child and when the time is right you will find that someone special to love you back.

Student Has Hard Choices to Make
February 27, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I am a college student, and I live with my boyfriend, who just lost his job. He's actively looking for a new one but hasn't had any luck yet.

As much as I enjoy my new found "grown up" life, I find it very hard to survive financially. I work full time and go to school in the evenings until midnight. My typical day lasts 16-18 hours, depending on homework. I don't have time for a second job. With student loans and car payments, insurance, and rent, my budget is so tight that if I go a penny over the amount allotted for gas, I am in the red.

I go to a private college, which means I'm applying for new school loans every seven weeks. When you have that many loans and not a long credit history, it's hard for anyone to apply for a personal line of credit. I'm at my wits' end. I don't know how to stay afloat. Any suggestions? Broke in Phoenix

Dear Broke:
Yes, but you may not like them. You can live with a roommate who is able to pay half the rent and all other joint expenses. You can find a cheaper place to live. You can get a better job or ask for a raise. You can move back into your parents' home temporarily. You can attend a public university. You can postpone college until you have saved up enough to go back to the school of your choice. It's nice to live independently, and all young adults should do so, but when you are drowning, you need to take whatever steps are necessary to get out of the ocean.

Should He Marry Her a Fourth Time?
Dear Gwendolyn:
During my senior year of high school I fell in love with a girl I just had to have. After graduation, she attended a local college and I accepted an academic scholarship out of the city.

We corresponded via telephne every night until my junior year. My parents were furious about the phone bills, but what can I say...I was in love. I would go home during Christmas break and spring break.

This is the problem: One weekend I decided to give her a surprise visit. When I went to her dormitory, I found her seated in the lounge in the arms of another man. I was so hurt. I told her to make a decision or forever exit my life. Gwendolyn, she made her choice. We married two weeks later and feeling I had responsibility, I didn't return to school. I got a job that paid minimal wage. Our marriage didn't last a year. We courted again and married for the second time. That marriage ended in divorce. We courted again and remarried for the third time. She got her degree, but explained she didn't care to be married to a drop-out.

By that time, I had lost my scholarship due to non-attendance. After our third divorce, she met a man, married him, then had twins. He left her and she now finds herself seeking child support.

I have a big problem: We have been seeing each other again and presently I am supporting the twins. She wants to marry me for the fourth time. I want to return to school to complete my degree. What should I do? Arnold

Dear Arnold:
Go back to school. Help your friend (your ex-wife of three times) to seek child support from the man who fathered the twins. You don't need to be in this picture. There's no place for you.

She already told you that your education is not of a status she wants in a husband. You never should have stopped your schooling in the first place. But as you say, you were in love.

Never think of marrying this woman again. Let me tell you this: Marriage is like a base ball game. Think about it. You had three strikes ----so you're out.

Dear Carolyn:
Is Divorcee Overlooking Signs?
I am a 25 year old divorcee. I've realized there were many warning signs that I ignored before and during my marriage. I've grown and learned a lot. I've now been dating a great guy for the last six months and am very much in love. I am happy and to be honest, it freaks me out! I am not used to someone being so sweet and kind, someone who does favors for me and such. We've discussed moving in together, but when people ask me how I feel about it, I really don't know. We spend most nights together and we're practically living together, but I wonder. I'm not sure if I think it's too soon or if I'm afraid of what other people will think. Is it too soon? Can someone really find love after a divorce that fast? Not Sure in Texas

Better question: Can someone really break an unhealthy pattern that fast? Bad relationships aren't just about choosing bad people: they're about making bad decisions for bad reasons.

You are, as you type, trying to talk yourself into something despite the little voice that's whispering, "too soon". Which, incidentally, is often the first draft of the more decisive: "This isn't the guy".

With your divorce, you came to recognize the warning signs that you ignored. Great. Except now you're ignoring a whole new set of warning signs. Maybe that's because they don't look like the clear warnings of hindsight. Instead, they're vague hesitations, much tougher to read.

For the sake of all involved, heed them. Wait till you're sure, sure. As in, sure. Maybe this is the guy, but you won't kill a healthy relationship by waiting. More important, you won't needlessly prolong a sick one by moving in. Most important, waiting lets you discern whether these surprising kindnesses and favors are really about love and respect, or just about sucking you in.

Dear Carolyn: I’ve noticed many of my friends date wonderful men who will make faithful husbands and good fathers, yet it’s not enough for us. I love my boyfriend’s kindness. But I get very sad when I think about all the ideas I’ve stopped trying to share with him-because of his niceness, in terms of intellectual discourse, often translates into blandness. In the end, is it better to be with a good financially stable, faithful husband and father, or wait for someone who might light more of that “spark”- even if they lack in other stability areas?

Or should we just wait for someone who suits us in both departments? I’ve heard the arguments that we’re “too picky”, and I am starting to believe them. Scared

If the “too picky” promoters will be waking up to-and making love to, talking money with, snapping irritably at, vacationing with, cleaning up after, laughing at the retelling of stories by-your boyfriend then you should hang on their every word.

“Too picky” is just one of the things you mention that are too broad and clichéd to have meaning. Another is that “stable” and “interesting” occupy opposite poles. Another is “many of my friends”. Only you know what you can’t live with (or without) because only you will be eternally living with (or without).

And if you’re not even sure how to figure the difference, look at your life on its face. Are you missing something? Are you sad without it? Then why do you doubt yourself?

This is the blank where someone always fills in, “Because nobody’s perfect.” Yes. True. So test the true weight of the imperfection by figuring out its remedy-outside the marriage.

If you read that and thought, sure, I can just join a book group and share ideas and be satisfied scratching that intellectual itch when I can, then, mazel tov.

But if you read that and thought, great, I get one non-boring conversation-or one laugh of one atta girl or one (ahem) or one whatever else is missing-a WEEK? From someone not my spouse? For the rest of my life? Then be true to your needs, and as picky as you want to be.

Mo. Man Jailed for Life for Child's Murder
November 21, 2008 The Blade
A man convicted of killing and beheading his then girlfriend's 3 year old daughter and dumping her body in the woods was sentenced yesterday to life in prison without the possibility of parole.

Before being sentenced, Harrell Johnson again stated that he was innocent of the 2001 murder of Erica Green. The girl's remains went unidentified for four years after they were found, during which time she was referred to by the community and in the news media as "Precious Doe".

Johnson, 29, was convicted last month of first-degree murder, endangering the welfare of a child, and abuse of a child.

Stepdad Guilty of Child Endangerment
3 year cap on prison time urged
January 6, 2009 The Blade
Alexander Schneider didn't have a criminal past, but his handling of his wife's newborn led him into handcuffs and may put him in prison.

After being interviewed by Lucas County Children Services and Toledo police, Schneider admitted squeezing the baby's legs together while changing her diaper, resulting in the break of the leg bone.

He also said that he had hit the child on the back to make her burp an action investigators said led to the broken rib.

Mr. Braun said that Schneider's frustration while trying to wrap the child in a blanket led him to handle her roughly, breaking the wrist bone.

Authorities said the child remains in the custody of her mother, who has since moved out of Toledo.

Dear Gwendolyn:
I have a problem. My boyfriend and I broke up due to the fact that he was cheating on me. I didn't tell him that I knew he was cheating and now I have it all stuck on my heart and mind.

I would like to tell him how I feel and let him know so I can heal. Do you think it is the right thing for me to let him know? He also disrespected my parents when we broke up by calling them profane names, etc. He is now banned from ever coming over.

Do you think that I should meet him maybe in the library or somewhere just to tell him everything that is on my heart? He has not called or anything, but he sent an email saying he was sorry. However, he only apologized to my mother and not my father. They didn't get along because my father felt he wasn't good enough for me.

Gwendolyn, I just want to heal and get everything that I feel off of my heart. I am 21 and my boyfriend is 22. Our relationship was not intimate. I believe in waiting until marriage.Although he has two children already. We dated for 10 months. Alice

Dear Alice:
Ten months? Girl, I thought you were 40 ending a relationship of 10 years. Let me tell yu this: Do not make an attempt to contact your boyfriend to let him know your feelings and broken heart. Apparently, he cheated on you because you have a firm belief to wait until marriage. That's good.

But what you don't understand is that a man can have an active sexual life---and still go out and cheat. Another thing you don't understand and that is many men like to meet a virgin and then set a goal to be her first.

You sent me a separate correspondence explaining that you had to quit school (doctor's advice) due to having a seizure which was brought on by a stroke that was brought on because you were stressed out over your relationship. My advice to you, Alice, is to focus on your health and when you have recovered from your illness, return to school----with your doctor's approval of course.

Alice, whether a 10 month relationship or a three year relationship, it hurts just the same and I understand that. However, you are young and the world can be yours if you make the right choices. And believe me, trying to meet your ex would not be fitting and proper. Forget him.

He's Stringing Someone Else Along
Hi Carolyn:
Say for instance a few years back, girl meets boy---it's love at first sight. They eventually get together, though break up a short time after, after and remain very good friends for years to follow.

Guy and girl still discuss their feelings for one another and have seriously considered marriage. However, guy has been seeing another woman for the last few years about whom he has admittedly lukewarm feelings, and says he doesn't know where things are going there. Girl can really envision a future with this guy.....

Is there anything she can do aside from being patient and seeing if there are new developments? Milwaukee

Yes. She can get her head out of her, uh, romance novel.

I can really envision your future with him,too:

You get along well, but he seems distant at times. You tell yourself this is normal, yet feel increasingly isolated. You speak up. Boy says you're imagining things. You see yourself clinging and hate it.

Then he says to the other girl they're "just friends" mind you----that things with you have been kinda lukewarm....It seems like a basic precaution not to make yourself available to anyone who openly declares that he's stringing along someone else. No one has everything, but every good mate will have these: compassion, conscience, spine.

Before you decide this warning: doesn't apply, make sure your justification passes the laugh test; "love at first sight" doesn't That is, unless you just prefer to have him string you along inside a relationship, inside of outside one.

Dear Gwendolyn:
I am writing to you at a low point in my life. I had a horrible childhood. My mother didn't want me. I, therefore, was sent to live from foster home to foster home. At 16 I became pregnant.

Two years after giving birth to my first child, the system found me an apartment. I was placed on zero rent. However, my live in boyfriend was stealing from the apartment maintenance storage, so I go evicted.

I went to live with my grandparents. When they went on vacation, I let my boyfriend stay there. He stole their electronic equipment so they asked me to leave. I then went to live in a homeless shelter. The system found another apartment. Again, I was placed on zero rent.

Gwendolyn, I thought my worker was for me, but later discovered she was against me. Late one night the Children Service worker came to my apartment with other people of authority. The caught me smoking weed and my boyfriend was on the floor drunk. They took my children.

When I went to court, the judge placed my two children into foster care. They said the children did not have their proper shots. Gwendolyn, why is it that people like myself have such a hard life? Shirley

Dear Shirley:
They make it hard themselves. If I took in stray men off the street, sat around smoking weed, my life would not be a joy. As a child, you had no choice but as an adult, you do.

Miss Lady, you haven't seen hard. Let's go back in time a bit: Women especially black women had children and many had to work in the fields, give birth and then go right back to picking cotton or whatever they were doing. They fed 8, 10, 12 or more children and, think about it, didn't have one dollar in food stamps.

Let me tell you this: To lose your children may be best for the children. I say this because you admitted to smoking weed. Your children don't need to see that.

Stop blaming society or the system for your unhappiness. People work hard and often for little pay. You had free rent, free food, I'm sure---and still you chose a downhill style of life.

The world is tired of all these young mothers like yourself singing a sad song. You know, it is past the time for the song's tempo to take an upbeat.

Mother not allowed contact with children
October 23, 2008 The Blade
A woman accused of leaving her 3 year old daughter with her fiance who was abusing the child was ordered during an arraignment yesterday to have no contact with any children, Toledo Municipal Court orders show.

Ms. Lusk's fiance, Troy Semenovich, 25, also of the Homer address, was arrested Monday after he slapped the toddler in the head, driving her into the kitchen stove, causing severe injury, court documents state.

Ms. Lusk, who has six children ranging in age from 1 to 8, was not home, police said.

Semenovich is not the girl's biological father, police said.

Update October 26, 2008: Child died from injuries

2 Killed in Columbus while 6 Children Slept
December 25, 2008 The Blade

One of the dead was April Lester, a 29 year old mother of three who relatives said was expecting her fourth child.

Neighbor John Wilson, 43, said he befriended the couple after they moved in. Both Ms. Lester and Mr. Taylor, whom he knew as Jeremy or 'Tex', called him 'Unc' because he was older.

He said he last saw Ms. Lester about midnight Tuesday, when she called him to ask for a cigarette. When he delivered it, Tex wasn't there.

In the past two weeks, Tex had told him "he had some problems with some guys," Mr. Wilson said. Mr. Wilson said he didn't pry but Tex was afraid to even walk to the neighborhood store for fear of running into them.

Relatives of Ms. Lester said they knew little about Mr. Taylor, whom Ms. Lester began dating about three months ago. They said he came from Texas.

Neighbor Brenda Johnson said Ms. Lester and Mr. Taylor had moved in several months ago. She said they often fought ---broken windows in the home were from two previous fights.

Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today

Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611

Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com