Rebound

Rebound Romance
Article: Rebound Romance
Article: Their Past
Chapter from Research before Romance (Rebound Romance)

Research before Romance-Rebound Romance by: T. L. Moss

There are stories of men/women disappearing after what you thought was a great relationship starts, and there's a reason for that----well not all the time, but sometimes, they've returned to their ex's.

How can you avoid this? Well ask questions during the early stages of your meeting him/her. If it's a current breakup, take your time jumping in, and that includes being intimate, your only going to get hurt.

And if the person just got divorced, and there's children, and an ex wife/husband calls all the time, now, remember, they have a history with the person your with, you don't. They know what to say, they know how to push his/her buttons, you don't.

Alot of times, you meet up with a selfish, insensitive individual that is simply using you to make their ex jealous, they will move into your home, spend up your money, and go back to their ex.

I recently saw a Lifetime movie, a young couple get engaged. She had only been broken up from her ex for maybe a month. They spent the evening in a bar, where her ex works, and she's prancing around, kissing her new fiance, and going up to the bar where her ex is, showing off her engagement ring. It was so obvious, that she wasn't through with him.

One of my friend girls, was madly in love with 'the love of her life', he was a sweetheart, watching them together, I knew something was special. At the time, he lived out of town, and would visit her for a weekend.
I recall on a couple of occasions she'd call him, and he wouldn't call her back, for days. Finally, she called to tell me that he was going to be moving in with her.

He did move in, but only brought one bag of clothes. Which should have been a red flag for her,
but she was very happy, and as her friend, I was happy for her.

She bragged how during their first live in arrangement, she'd come home from work, and he'd have dinner ready, a bath drawn, he'd massage her from head to toe, and the sex was unforgettable.

However, this time around she wanted him to find a job, and contribute to the household. The last time they were together, she was the sole breadwinner.

Well he moved in, and less than a week later, while she was at school, he helped himself to a few pieces of her jewerly some money she kept hidden, and moved out. She found out that he went back to the woman he left behind. The woman he left behind, his ex, was content with their arrangement, she worked, he stayed at home. He wasn't interested in commiting himself to my friend girl, at all. She was devastated.

Know what kind of person you are associating yourself with, before you become involved, emotionally or intimately.

As in the story of the jilted housewife who killed her husband and his new wife in California some years back, she was upset, she had been traded in for a younger, woman. The new wife had been the mistress, and as the story played out, she flaunted her relationship with this woman's ex husband.
The ex wife snapped, but as the story explained, she had already exhibited behavior, that would have screamed red flag. Anytime an ex, drives a truck through the front of your house, or breaks into your home, this is clearly someone who's unstable. It's safer to keep your distance.

If you do some research about your new love, and find anything about a stay away order, run as fast and as far away as you can. Use the excuse, it's not you it's me. What you will be dealing with, is a stalker, and remember, a piece of paper, can't shield you from a raging maniac with a knife or a gun.

If the person you meet has just broken up within the last year, and they are still referring to their ex, or worst yet, the person your interested in, doesn't want to introduce you to his 'friends' and family, that says something you don't want to hear, without being said.

I just recently tuned into a judge show where the other woman was suing the boyfriend. Apparently she paid his divorce lawyer, and some of his child support. He decided however to return to his wife, and told the judge that the $5,000 she paid for the lawyer/child support was a gift. Her claim: she did it because she thought they were going to be together.

The wife's comment: "she had no business with someone else's husband." The judge ordered he repay the woman her $5,000.

Rebound romances are to say the least, dangerous territory.

So, if she or he disappears more than likely they've returned to the person that holds control. His ex wife, if they get back together, he doesn't have to maintain two households. And if she returns to her ex husband there's a possibility that he's got more money than you, and she wants her 'status' back.

Those are just possibilities, but to avoid rebound drama all together, is to ask some questions, think body language, and be able to read whether or not the other person is lying to you.

Research before Romance-Their Past by: T. L. Moss

I didn't want to know about my significant other's past relationships, when I was young. He was going to treat me differently, I knew that. Now I want to know everything, or at least the history that's going to effect my relationship with him.

There's something about knowing why he broke up with his ex. Was it mutual? Did she dump him?
What happened?

I've dated cheaters, bad boys, abusive bores, pleasers, and everything in between. And, I must admit on several occasions I was forewarned that the guy was a loser, and yes I ignored what I'd heard, why? I don't know, maybe because I wanted to prove the person wrong.

Let's start with the fact that I was dating a man who wanted to date me exclusively, he didn't know it, but I already knew that he was cheating on his significant other with me.Why would I want to be with someone who's already cheating on someone else to be with me?

I recently saw a local article about a woman who had been viciously beaten by her 3 week old son's father.
Apparently this man had a history of beating his childrens' mother's. All 4 had filed charges against him for assaulting them, but apparently no one followed through because of threats, so he had been left free to father more children, and abuse more women. I'm sure someone most have pulled her aside and warned her, but maybe she thought she was 'special'.

A friend girl who I no longer associate with, told me that she worked with the ex sister in law of her significant other. The woman told her that he had beaten her sister regularly, my friend girl thought she had just said that to 'be mean'. Well it turns out the woman was telling the truth, he beat her regularly too, and she kept returning, although she had several opportunities to leave.I stopped talking to her after she called me and told me that she had been pregnant, but lost the baby after a beating.

Knowing about what happened in past relationships, gives you the advantage in dealing with a new someone. Should you just manage to bow out early, or is it fixable? Whatever the case, it's important to know why, when, where, and who. Don't be left in the dark, it could be something you regret.

Research before Romance-Rebound Romance
Legal Question & Answer
Widower's Dedication
Missing her Ex
Ex Constantly Calling
Picture in the Foyer
Ex Girlfriends Picture
I Know about Her
Old Boyfriend is Getting out of Prison
It's So Simple
Talking about Her to Me
Disturbed by Mental Images
She's Very Close to her Ex Husband
Uncomfortable with his Behavior
It's So Simple
Too Friendly
Greg I Get It!
3's a Crowd
Suddenly Disappeared!

Q:How soon can I remarry after I am divorced?

A:You may not remarry until the court issues the final divorce decree ending your current marriage. In addition, some status also have a waiting period following the decree-ranging from one to six months-before you can remarry.

Dear Annie’s Mailbox:
Several months after my wife passed away, my neighbor introduced me to a wonderful girl named “ Iris”. We dated for six months and became quite close. She called me one day to say that her doctor had given her terrible news. She had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease.

Rather than lose this wonderful woman, I offered to help care for her. As her disease progressed, I let her move in with me. After six years her condition became so bad that I was forced to put her in a nursing home where she could receive round the clock care. However, I continue to see her every day and take her out at least twice a month.

My family and friends insist I have done all I can for Iris and should forget about her. They say I am wrecking my chances of finding a suitable mate by tying myself to an invalid. Iris is only 51 years old, and I do not want to remain alone forever. Any advice? In Limbo

Dear Limbo:
There is no need to abandon Iris in order to date other wormen. You are not married to her and are breaking no vows. Continue to visit her, and take her out when you can. She is no threat to another woman.

Dear Yo:
This past weekend while out on a date of my own, I ran into my ex boyfriend at the club we went to. We didn't really have a chance to talk because his girlfriend was there, but we did get a chance to say hi and bye. The problem is that, seeing him stirred up old feelings and it didn't help that he was staring at me all evening. I know he has a woman, but it was like she wasn't there. He was totally ignoring her and just hanging out with his boys and looking at me. I'm still single, and frankly after seeing him that night, what little interest I did have in my date had fizzled.

I went home feeling stupid for not saying anything to him and then I saw his number in my phone as a missed call. I didn't call him back that night, and I don't know if I should call him or not. When we broke up it was mutual so it's not like anyone is mad or has hard feelings. I also feel like I would be stepping on his current girlfriend's territory, even though I don't like her. What should I do should I call him or leave the past in the past? Still in Love with my Ex

Yo Still in Love with my Ex:
I don't know that what you are feeling for your ex right now is love or if you were just feeling envy because you saw him out with another woman. However, maybe he too had emotions getting stirred up since he had the nerve to call you that night. If he is in an exclusive relationship, then you would be stepping in on the new woman's territory, but you never mentioned how long you two dated or how long you have been separated, so the new chick may just be a passing fancy.

At any rate, if you want to know if anything is still there, then you have to call him. A phone call is not going to hurt anybody, after speaking with him you may find out that you don't want to be bothered with him or vice-versa. After all the two of you broke up for a reason.

Dear Annie:
I have been dating a great guy for six months. He is a wonderful, attentive, caring, and treats me like a princess. "Tom" has two children from his first marriage, which broke up because his ex had an affair with a neighbor. He forgave her, but she cheated again, so he divorcedd her. They keep in contact because of the kids, and she constantly calls him.

My problem is that I am secrectly jealous of his ex. It's not that he talks about her in an affectionate way--he doesn't. But I've asked him questions about the way they met and such, and he describes a relationship that sounds ideal, as if they were soul mates.

We don't have that kind of relationship, and while Tom assures me often that he loves me, he adds that each love is different. He says he wants to marry me, but I can't get past the fact that he loved his ex and made a life with her for 12 years, and that they would still be together if she hadn't cheated. What should I do? Green Eyes

Dear Green Eyes:
Are you looking for trouble? Of course Tom loved his wife, but if you obsess over it, you're going to mess up whatever chance you have for a life with this man. Here's the only question that matters: If his ex could convince him that she wants him back, would he go? If the answer is "no", then get over it. If the answer is something else, cut him loose.

Dear Annie:
I feel compelled to respond to "Unhappy Housemate" who objects to her boyfriend keeping a picture of his first wife in the foyer of their home.

I married a widower. We also keep pictures of his first wife in prominent places, including as the screensaver on his computer. She was a lovely person and a dear friend to both of us.

Love doesn't stop when a person dies, but one of the beauties of the human condition is that there is enough love for everyone. I know he still loves her and always will, but I also know that he loves me without reservation. There is no competition for his affection. Knowing your spouse had a prior happy relationship should only reinforce the idea that he is capable of having another one. Happy Second Wife

Dear Second:
You have a healthy outlook, and fortunately those pictures don't bother you. However, not all women share your inclusive attitude, and for them a compromise is in order.

Dear Annie:
I recently began seeing "Zack" again after we broke up nearly two years ago. During our hiatus, we both dated other people.

Zack has many pictures of his ex-girlfriend on his wall. These pictures make me feel uncomfortable, especially since he's never put up a photo of me. I asked Zack if he would take the pictures down, but he refused. I don't think he still has feelings for this girl, and I also realize that, as an artist, he may place a different value on photographs than I do. However, it bothers me that he cares more for a bunch of old pictures than for me.

I think it's time to take those pictures down. Am I overreacting? Picture Not so Perfect in Massachusetts

Dear Picture:
Talk to Zack calmly and ask why he insists on displaying photographs that he knows make you uncomfortable. If he is no longer interested in this woman and considers the pictures works of art, you have no reason to be threatened. Still, he should show enough respect for your feelings to put them in a location where they are less prominent.

Dear Deanna:
I’m in a situation where my boyfriend thinks I’m stupid. He has started spending a lot of time with one of his ex-girlfriends.

He claims they were best friends before and after they began their relationship. I can go along with that but he always goes to her house alone. I feel if everything was so innocent as he claims, then I should be invited to a few dinner dates, movies and overnight DVD and popcorn sessions. Am I paranoid or should I be more trusting? Tanya

Dear Tanya:
It’s true that men can have females as best friends but the dynamic changes when sex enters the picture. Your boyfriend is disrespecting you if he’s going on dates with her too.
There is something going on if he’s at her house overnight. This isn’t normal for a man with a woman at home. He’s seeing his girlfriend directly in your face.

You need to address this and seek a solution so that your relationship is the priority and the friendship gets put in its place.

A man writes: “I’ve been happily dating Bette for six months. But now we’ve learned that her old boyfriend will soon be getting out of jail on parole. He went to prison for stabbing a guy he thought was seeing Bette. I don’t want the same thing to happen to me, what can I do?

“Look at the bright side. Maybe Bette’s ex is no longer jealous, or even interested in her. Maybe he’s reformed. Maybe he bought a one-way ticket to Guam. Or maybe he’ll get out of the pen and meet a train head on. You might feel better sharing your concerns with the police and his parole officer. And just to be safe, don’t neck in public

It’s so simple!
Yes. You are going to meet many men in many different stages of recovering from relationships. If he is really into you, he will get over his issues fast and make sure he doesn’t lose you. Or he will make it clear to you how he feels, so there’s no mystery, and tell you up front that he’s not up to it right now. And then you can best be sure, the minute he is ready, he will run out and find you. You are not easily forgettable.

Dear Greg:
I started going out with a guy who is really fun and sweet and a breath of fresh air. He calls when he says he’s going to, drives sort of far from where he lives to take me out, and we have been having a really nice time together. The only problem is he’s going through a really ugly custody battle and he can’t stop talking about it. Really. Even when I beg him not to, he can’t stop talking about his wife and how much he hates her, what a liar she is, and how he’s going to “take her down”, I understand this is a difficult time for him, and I don’t want to blow this just because it happens to be bad timing. Should I just try to be supportive and listen to him vent about it all? Pam

Dear Midnight at the Oasis:
Wow. So, he’s fun and sweet and a breath of fresh air, but can’t stop spewing bile and talking about his ex-wife. Sounds like a catch. Ladies, I mean it. I’m very sorry that it’s so hard to find a decent guy these days, that you’ll let any punctual male with the ability to dial the phone and drive a car get away with anything. It’s a sad state of affairs and I’m not sure what can be done about it. As for you, it sounds like there’s no chance of him being that into you anytime soon, if only because there’s simply no room for it in his angry little head right now. Here’s my vote; It doesn’t sound like he’s given you good enough reason to keep sitting through his one-man show called “ I want to kill my wife”. If he misses you, he can get his act together and call you when his head is clearer. In the meantime, you have much better things to do with your time, including going out and buying a ticket to a much higher quality piece of theatre.

Boyfriend Disturbed by Mental Images
June 16, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I am 20 years old and engaged to the girl of my dreams." Liza " is beautiful, smart and very loving. we have no problems in our relationship.

Before she dated me, Liza dated one of my best friends. In fact, I once witnessed them making out at a party. The problem is, every time we become intimate, that image plays in my head. I know what happened before we dated is not really my business, but I feel Ishould let her know what is bothering me.

I know Liza would never cheat on me, but seeing her talking to another guy has hurt and troubled me at times. How do I tell her something she did in her past is affecting me every time we make love?
Troubled in Texas

Dear Texas:
This isn't really Liza's problem, it's yours. She cannot do anything about the images in your head. She can only be the beautiful, smart, loving person you think she is. It's up to you to replace those troublesome pictures with something else. Whenever you start to remember Liza kissing your friend, make a conscious decision to envision something more pleasing---perhaps substitute your face for his. If you do this each time, it will get easier and, unless you deliberately being up the old images, they will fade away. If you cannot do this, you may be on your way to a total obsession with thoughts that will eventually destroy your relationship.

Dear Annie:
I have been dating "Siena"for five months and I care deeply about her, but she has an ex-husband, "Kevin," and they are close. He has a key to her house and comes and goes when he wants. Siena cannot have a conversation without mentioning him. Both of them talk quite openly about special moments in their marriage. It's difficult to listen to.

Siena is in the process of fixing up a house she recently bought. Kevin has been involved since the beginning, assisting in the remodeling efforts. When he talks about the house, he uses "we," as in "we did this" or "we need to fix that". It comes across as "their" house. I have been trying to help her as much as possible, hoping she will depend more on me and less on him. I am extremely uncomfortable with him around. It's like they're still married without the romance.

I know Siena loves me, but she doesn't understand my frustration. For the last few weeks, I have had problems with insomnia, mostly because of this issue. I don't want to lose her, but I'm not sure how much longer I can tolerate the time around Kevin. I don't want to share her with him. Three's a Crowd

Dear Three's a Crowd:
Siena has not quite divorced herself from Kevin, but as long as there are no romantic sparks between them, you probably don't need to worry. She seems to be treating him like a brother of whom she is fond. Put your antenna up and discern whether Kevin has ulterior motives for being around Siena. Does he want her back? Does he flirt with her? Does he gaze longingly in her direction? If so, you need to convince Siena that she is hurting Kevin by making him believe she is still interested. If not, consider "adopting" Kevin. It not only could allay your fears, but also generate a friendship. And try to fix him up with some eligible females.

Dear Annie:
I am seeing a man who went through a traumatic divorce a couple of years ago. "Barry's wife" left him to marry someone else, and soon after, she left her new husband. She's now living with relatives close by.

My problem is, she constantly calls Barry to fix her car, give her rides, borrow his van, etc. She knows he is seeing me, but she is slowly working her way back into into the picture. Barry is more than happy to accommodate her. If she calls when I am at his house, he will leave the room to talk with her at length. I sometimes get up and go home.

I am very uncomfortable with this behavior, especially knowing it will continue as long as Barry allows it. Out of respect for me, I feel he should not continue to have contact with her. Do you agree?
Patient Girlfriend

Dear Patient:
You're missing the big picture. We suspect Barry still harbors a great deal of affection for his ex-wife and if she were to ask to get back together, he'd probably consider it. Barry needs to be honest about his feelings for her and what he thinks he's accomplishing by remaining so enmeshed in her life. You can inform him that being at her beck and call prevents him from moving on. And if he isn't interested in moving on, you should.

It’s so simple!
Yes. You are going to meet many men in many different stages of recovering from relationships. If he is really into you, he will get over his issues fast and make sure he doesn’t lose you. Or he will make it clear to you how he feels, so there’s no mystery, and tell you up front that he’s not up to it right now. And then you can best be sure, the minute he is ready, he will run out and find you. You are not easily forgettable.

Husband's Too Friendly with His Ex
April 10, 2008 The Blade
Dear Annie:
I am seven years into my marriage to "Jim". It ws great until his ex-wife moved back to town six months after the wedding, with the express purpose of breaking us up.

Jim visits her home every other weekend to see his grandson and frequently calls her to talk about their three children, even though they are all adults. She does not acknowledge my existence, which makes the relationship between my husband's children and me very difficult. I don't mind when Jim and his ex discuss the birth of a grandchild or an emergency situation, but why does he have to see her and call her so often at this stage of their lives? I think it only encourages her.

Jim's youngest son lives with us because he quit his job without having another one lined up. He moves in and out of our house as though it were a revolving door. When my daughter moved back home because she was unemployed, Jim threw her out. The only reason his son has his current job is because his father got it for him. He is otherwise totally unmotivated. Jim refuses to give him a deadline to move out.

I can't believe any other woman would put up with this. What should I do? Odd Woman Out

Dear Odd:
Jim's ex cannot break up your marriage unless your husband is cooperative. It is OK if he and his ex-wife are on friendly terms----it makes things easier when it comes to children, grandchildren and family events.

Visiting every other weekend to see his grandchild is also not excessive. Phone calls, however should be limited to necessary conversation, especially since this bothers you so much. As for the freeloading son, is he paying rent? He should be. It sounds as if Jim has marginalized you from decisions regarding his ex-wife and children, and this is unfair and potentially destructive to your marriage. Tell him the two of you must work on it together. If he won't cooperate, please talk to a marriage counselor.

Greg, I get it! Janine age 43
I recently met a guy online whose wife had passed away three months earlier. We went out a few times and it was clear he wasn’t really ready to be dating. He was deeply grieving and spent a lot of time talking about his wife and how wonderful she was. I was tempted to take care of him, console him, and nurse him through this difficult period.

I liked him and had fantasies about what he would be like when he was “better”. But then I realized that I didn’t want to be with someone who I had to “heal” into the relationship. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable dating him so soon after his wife’s death, but that I hadn’t closed any doors, and would love to see him again when more time had passed. Then I went back online and continued my search.


If You Don’t Believe Greg
100% of men polled who had “disappeared” on a woman said that at the time they were completely aware of what a horrible thing they were doing, and no woman calling them up and talking to them would have changed that.

Dear Annie:
I read the letter from "Three's a Crowd," who said his girlfriends ex is always hanging around and she treats him like a brother. I also have an ex husband who is a best friend. We had a very bad marriage and there are no romantic feelings between us, but it's one of the best friendships I've ever had. "Three" should be careful about asking his girlfriend to end the friendship because it would be like giving up a family member. I would love to meet a man who was strong enough emotionally to embrace my ex husband as you suggested. And I would love it if my ex found someone who would be friends with me. Still Friends

Dear Still:
We hope both your wishes come true.

Dear Greg:
I was dating a guy seriously for three months when he suddenly disappeared. I didn’t hear from him for days. I was worried, so I called his best friend and he told me that my boyfriend got back together with his old girlfriend and moved in with her. I get that he’s just not that into me, but don’t I have the right to find out how he could do this to me? Don’t I have the right to not let him get away with it? Renee

Dear Just Walk Away Renee:
Sure, But guess what. He knows you’re going to be pissed. He’s a colossal &*$#,
Not an idiot. He played the whole thing out in his head. That’s why he just disappeared. What he doesn’t know is how quickly you can get over him and his bad behavior. You’ll show him that by never talking to him, or his friends, ever again.

P.S.And he’s not getting away with anything. Everywhere he goes, he’s still that same &*#@*.

If You Don’t Believe Greg
100% of men polled who had “disappeared” on a woman said that at the time they were completely aware of what a horrible thing they were doing, and no woman calling them up and talking to them would have changed that.

Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today

Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611

Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com