Living Together

Living Together
Article:Living Together
Article: How are you Living?
Chapter from Research before Romance ( Living Together)

Research before Romance-Living Together by: T. L. Moss

You've decided to live together, testing the waters before marriage? or why are you really doing it?
Have you discussed marriage? Or do you want to see, how your significant other lives?

Is she/he a slob, dropping everything everywhere? dishes piled to the ceiling? socks and shoes line the floor? doesn't make up the bed in the morning? the bathtubs never cleaned? the waste baskets are filled to the top and he/she walks by and doesn't empty them? newspapers, magazines, tv guides are scattered throughout the house, bills stay piled on the counter, spills on the floor, and he leaves the toilet seat up.

Secretly you're ready to explode into orbit. You wake up and the house is a mess, and it seems he/she has added to it, overnight.

Does he/she leave the garage door open at night, the balcony door unlocked, windows open at night, and the front/back door unlocked? The car is left unlocked, and left outside the garage. For me this would be a dealbreaker. This is just downright careless, and it doesn't matter that you live in a safe neighborhood, that is an ignorant excuse, that goes nowhere fast. Remember there's always a first time, and you could be the unlucky one.

Remember, it's easier, to keep someone out then to get them out.

Again back to the security conversation, if you find yourself constantly locking doors, and closing windows, you really need to take a long hard look at your significant others irresponsible habits. And if they do nothing to make you feel more secure in the home, you really should have a serious discussion about this.

How your significant other does things while your living together, is how they'll carry-on after you marry. So if it's happening now, and they aren't making an effort to change, things are only going to get worse. Separate rooms, arguments, frustrating searches for keys, purses, shoes, pieces of paper, the telephone, and the list goes on.

Now back to living together, if something were to happen to your significant other, is there a will? or have you discussed what would happen if either of you became unemployed? Have you sat down before moving in together and talked about what's expected from each of you? Who rakes the leaves in the fall? shovels the snow in the winter? waters the lawn in the summer, and vacuums the floors during the week? Sounds silly now, but once you've got a routine, and one person is doing everything, there could be problems.

It can be a great thing to do, if you sit down and talk about things first. Try drafting agreements, keep purchases recorded, do an inventory of his/her things, get some insurance just in case there's a fire or other natural disaster, and discuss what if's, and write those down too.

How are you Living? by: T. L. Moss

While dating you need to observe the person you want in your life and take serious consideration in how they live their life.

If it takes them 45 minutes to separate the lights/darks, 30 minutes to make a salad, stacks the pots and pans with the wine glasses, and you notice groceries brought in from the night before are still on the counter....

Not everyone is a housekeeper, but some type of order in your home says alot about a person. True, there are very together people walking amongst us, that are highly functional, but I wouldn't want them living in my house. And I'm sure they'd be uncomfortable with me in their home.

I've watched the home makeover shows, and can't believe that people's home's are so packed with clutter, children are unable to sleep in their own beds, because they can't get to them at night. Stacks of newspapers, boxes, just stuff everywhere.

If this type of lifestyle doesn't bother you, it should. There just are so many negatives to living this way. In the event there was a fire in your home, it would be difficult for you to claim anything because you really don't know what's in your home. Plus, in the event of a disaster, clutter feeds a fire, and if you can't see to get out, and can't feel your way around the piles of boxes etc, this could be disastrous.

If there were an emergency evauation due to a wild fire, or a natural disaster and you had 15 minutes to grab important document,and pictures, could you honestly say you could go directly to either or? probably not.

Couples who are opposites have been known to live in perfect harmony, and that's fine. One room is crispy clean, while the other spouse lives in a world of stacks, and clutter. I couldn't do. Nor would I want to be with someone who wants to live that way.

Articles I've collected tell the story of a spouse who's been married for 30 years and is ready to leave their spouse, because they just can't live in trash every day. It's so bad the family is embarrassed to have company. The children don't have their friends over, it's just that bad.

You can see how someone works their world if you take note. True people can clean up before you come over, but there are signs. Again, if you don't have a problem living this way, then this conversation is not for you. However, if you like order, structure, and like to know what's going on in your home, you need to make observations in the early stages of meeting someone.

If they won't take care of their home, they won't take care of yours, and why live in total kaos, if you don't have too. She/he may promise to work on it, and this is a positive step, but don't take this seriously, watch what they do, over a period of time,and if it doesn't change, you've got to know that this is not going to be a healthy relationship.


Research before Romance-Living Together
Shackmates
There was No Will
Forced to Choose
Legal Question & Answer
He's Got a Key
The Arrangement

Dear Annie:
In response to all the suggestions for what to call a man and a woman living together without the benefit of marriage, I'm surprised your readers didn't offer the following: "shackmates". The word is derived, of course, from the once popular expression "shacking up." California

Dear California:
The derivation makes perfect sense, but the word reminds us of two beach bums sharing a hut. In London.
Dear Annie:
A friend of mine, age 40, has experienced a horrible double tragedy. Her boyfriend age 45, with whom she lived for almost five years, was killed by a drunk driver in a head-on accident.

Since they were not married, the oceanfront home they shared in California, which was in his name only, will be inherited by his mother and brothers.

My friend will receive nothing. She not only lost her love, but will soon lose her beautiful home. They never planned for such a terrible situation.

Please alert your readers that if they are living with their significant other and choose not to marry, they need to make plans in case of an unforeseen death. This situation has devastated my friend.
Be prepared for the Unexpected.

Dear Be Prepared:
The legal institution of marriage, like it or not, can protect partners from just such financial tragedies. This is one of the reasons why gay couples lobby so hard for civil unions.

In some states, couples living together for a specified number of years are recognized as common law partners and given legal protections (and responsibilities).

At the very least, property should be put in both names so that the surviving partner inherits. Thank you for taking the time to remind our readers that life does not come with guarantees.

My pets or my guy? I'm forced to choose
Q:This may seem like a silly problem, but it's driving my boyfriend and me apart. I love animals and have always lived with a couple of dogs and cats in the house. My boyfriend on the other hand "likes" animals but not necessarily to live with. He refuses to move in with me if the animals are around, and he won't let me move in with him if I bring the animals. I'm really falling hard for this guy, but I've had my pets for years and would be heartbroken to lose them. Do I have to choose? W.A. Forest Park, G.A.

A:As a pet owner, I know how you feel. But this difference goes deeper than the animals. If neither of you is willing to sacrifice for the other, then this relationship is heading for disaster. He knows how much your animals mean to you, but why do you need to bring along four or more pets?

If you can't find some kind of compromise, like trying to live together with just one pet, than you'll be better off finding another animal lover to settle down with.

Q: My girlfriend and I are planning to move in together next month. Some friends of ours have a “living together agreement”. Should we also have one?

A:It would be wise for the two of you to sit down and discuss how property should be divided if one of you moves out. Topics to discuss include property owned before moving in, property acquired while living together, real estate or leases, pets, income, and joint bank accounts. Once you have come to an agreement, you should put it in writing and have it signed just as you would any other contract. Although such a contract is not mandatory, it would make it easier to prove that an agreement was reached and to have its terms enforced by a court if the time ever came when you had a serious property dispute.

Q:Jim and Bonnie have lived together for several years. During this time they have bought a house, furniture, and appliances. What rights does each one have if they split up and cannot agree on how to divide the property?

A:If Jim and Bonnie made no agreement before they began living together, it will be more difficult for a court to divide the property. Generally, each of them is entitled to keep any property he or she owned before they began their joint living arrangement. The biggest problem lies in distributing property that they acquired while living together. If Jim and Bonnie live in one of the eight states that have community property laws for married couples (Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, and Washington), there is a good chance a court would divide the property between them, 50-50.

Q:Beatrice and Andrew had lived together for 14 years when Andrew died. Does Beatrice have any claim on Andrew’s estate?If Andrew did not include Beatrice in his will, she may not be able to claim a penny of his estate. Although the laws of each state automatically give the surviving spouse of a marriage a part of the estate when there is no will, they do not protect unmarried couples.

A:Nevertheless, Beatrice may be able to claim a share of the estate on principles of fairness, or equity. As society becomes more willing to accept living-together arrangements, the courts have become more willing to divide property on an equitable basis. If Andrew and Beatrice were equally responsible for entering and sustaining their relationship, the court might consider it unfair for her contribution to the relationship to go to someone else. A judge might well rule that if Beatrice is denied a share of Andrew’s property, his heirs would unjustly benefit.

Q:Elizabeth and James had lived together as husband and wife for several years when James left and moved in with Janice. He now claims Janice is his wife. Which one is his real wife?

A:Elizabeth continues to be James’s wife. Although a common-law marriage is established without any government action, its termination requires divorce proceedings. There is no common-law divorce. Until James obtains a divorce decree, Janice has no legal claim as James’s wife.

Dear Deanna!
My boyfriend and I have dated for three years and I gave him a key to my apartment. Now that he can come in, eat, sleep and go as he pleases, things have changed.

He doesn’t come over as often and when he does, it’s late at night. I’ve asked him for a key to his place but he said no without an explanations.

I told him I wanted my key back and he said if I take it from him or change the locks, the relationship is over. Was it a mistake to give him a key in the first place? Tanya

Dear Tanya:
If his name isn’t on the lease, then he shouldn’t have a key. You made yourself vulnerable because he knows you won’t entertain anyone else since he can show up at any time.

He’s not going to give you a key because he’s not as committed as you are. You should take your key and if that’s the only thing that can end the relationship, then you don’t need him.

If he refuses, then change your locks, make him knock on the door for a visit and keep it moving

Is house or the relationship at issue?
Carolyn Hax-Tell me About It

Dear Carolyn:
After a few years of dating, my partner and I are talking about living together. I would be glad to sell my place and move into hers. I really only need space enough for a computer, a dozen items on hangers, and a couple of drawers. If she felt like moving into my place, I could happily part with most of the stuff in my house.

She feels it would be best to start fresh, where neither of us (or our exes) has ever lived. I find this quite sensible and agreeable.

My irrationality balloon totally burst when we started talking about price ranges. Typically, couples buy or rent places that cost more than either individual could afford. I understand how and why this happens. I just do not like it. Becoming part of a couple does not change what I can afford.

I really feel this is about being principled, not about being cheap or distrustful. She just cannot see herself living with me in any of the places that either of us could afford. I have a hard time contemplating that such a wonderful relationship could be jeopardized by such a mundane issue. What can I do? Muddled in Madison

You can recognize that it's not a mundane issue. It's the convergence of several issues, none of which is mundane.

It's about values. It's about respect for each other's needs. It's about knowing each other. And ultimately, it's about trusting each other.

It starts with the values. You value financial security, and are willing to compromise some comfort to have it. She values comfort, and is willing to compromise some financial security to have it. And while it's easy to pick sides and say that of course financial security is more important than comfort, I won't go that far without having seen what you can afford. A crime affilicted neighborhood, a two hour commute, a cramped efficiency any one of these price trade offs can be a persuasive argument for assuming at least some extra financial risk.

Which brings us to respecting each other's needs. Are you proposing to live like (or with) rodents, or is she being a prima donna? Is she demanding extravagance, or are you being cheap? If the truth is somewhere between these extremes, then your meeting half way point is in there, too.

If, on the other hand, the truth is what you imply in your letter that she believes your price limit is really just preparation for a possible breakup then it's no longer about you two as individuals, but about you two as a couple.

That's because such a suspicion on her paart can mean one of only two things: that you're hedging against a breakup and merely professing to be risk averse by nature, or you really are risk averse by nature and your girlfriend doesn't have the remotest idea who you really are.

And this is how your little price range tiff becomes a potentially deal breaking issue of trust: Your strength as a couple depends on representing yourselves honestly to each other, and then sharing a love based on those truths.

If you two are suspicious of what each of you wants here and why, that's a trust breakdown----one best dealt with while each of you has your own place.

Reference Materials-Research Before Romance
Ann Arbor News
A Rose for her Grave Ann Rule
Book of Modern Manners Charlotte Ford
Bride to Bride Pamela A. Piljac
Cosmopolitan
Detroit Free Press
Detroit News
Emily Post's Etiquette Peggy Post
Globe Magazine
He's just not that into you Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo
Having It All Helen Gurly Brown
How to do Everything Courtney Rosen & the eHow Editors
Heart and Soul Magazine
I'm Getting Married Now What?! Andrea Rotondo
Legal Questions and Answers-Reader's Digest
Love Adds a Little Chocolate Medard Laz
Miss Manners on Painfully Proper Weddings Judith Martin
National Examiner
San Francisco Chronicle
The Blade
Toledo Blade
The New Etiquette Marjabella Stewart Young
Tell me All about It Jeffrey Zaslow
USA Today

Advice Columnist:
anniesmailbox@comcast.net or Annie's Mailbox P.O. Box 118190 Chicago, IL 60611

Carolyn Hax tellme@washpost.com